Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Fire Your Lawyer

Rudy Project: yes indeed, the German prosecutor's formally announced that DNA conclusively links poor Jan Ullrich to some of the blood bags seized from Dr. Eufemiano "Protector of Health" Fuentes--that, and the wily code names "Hijo de Rudicio" (Son of Rudy, one reasonably surmises Pevenage), and "Jan." !@#$, Fuentes, you couldn't have picked the name of his gerbil or his Ecstasy dealer instead? Anyhoo, it's not clear if the offending blood is actually doped, but on the whole, things have looked better for the boy. Jan, of course, immediately retaliated with the Wussiest Non-Denial in History, desperately suggesting that, with all the irregularities in the Op Puerto investigation "manipulation is possible." WRONG! The correct answer, Jan, is the lab absolutely choked, the prosecutor's absolutely corrupt in his quest for results, and the Spanish investigators are absolute clowns, and if any of you so much as exhale within 1000 feet of me I'll sue your sorry incompetent !#$$# for slander til you cry for mercy. Got it? Y'know, I'm all for truth and beauty and pure sport, but let's get to the real issue here: Jan, what the hell were your lawyers thinking when they let you trot right up to the authorities like an eager puppy and gack up a DNA sample?

Oh Jan. Just like with Heras, we love you anyway!

The Fallout: why, none, if you're Ivan "Prince Charming" Basso, not only an exceedingly comely talent-packed monster revenue-generator at the very peak of his career (unlike, say, aging debutante Ullrich), but also, not coincidentally, protected like the Pope in a raging mob by handy publicity-hound mentor Lance Armstrong and the smashingly amoral attentions of Machiavellian genius Johan Bruyneel, and further, the possessor of the Very Best Lawyer on Earth. DNA my @#$, UCI! As to the rest? I'm sure that even without Jan, and even with Dudley Doo-wrights like St. David Millar, at least one other star in the peloton is both hopped and the forever-anonymous possessor of one of Fuentes' blood bags. Can anyone at all tell me what the hell's been accomplished after all this hoo-ha?

The Final Tally: Op Puerto: 1. Well, not even Op Puerto. It's the German prosecutors. In a freakin' breach of contract case. Careers Destroyed: can one even count that high? Nice job, witchhunters!

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