I Rode for Lance For 7 Years, And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt (And Millions of Dollars. And a TdF Stage Win. And...)

Jive Talkin': He denied doping. He said some awfully ungentlemanly things about former teammate/betraying rat Floyd Landis. And as one of the bulletproof riders of USPostalDiscovery and Armstrong's most loyal lieutenant, he profited hugely off an unquestioningly adoring press corps and fan base of his own, only to skate off with a ridiculous 6-month post-retirement ban for a career's worth of cheating and pretty much the same level of adoration and success he enjoyed in the first place. Yep, George Hincapie's ready to 'fess up now, and he wants your dough! Jaysus, am I the *only* one who's willing to pay people who already profited so handsomely from omerta' to shut the hell *up* already at this point?

Walk Like a Cav, Talk Like a Cav, Dress Like a Cav My So-o-o-on: Can't sprint as fast as the Manx Missile, but want to look like you could, without all the blindingly expensive dental work it'd take to get his killer choppers? Well, now you can: Mark Cavendish's got his own dashing new clothing line here! Next up: Marcel Kittel's Hair Club for Men. Oh, the glorious mane you'll have--it's the next thing to being on the podium, without that annoying 200km of riding to get you there!

Holy Crap It's Two Weeks to the Giro and It's Already Shaping Up!: finally, Cadel Evans has already dope-smacked the Dolomites and atomic-wedgied his competitors for the Giro d'Italia at the leg-grinding Giro del Trentino this week, and with unwilling Giro competitor Nairo Quintana already presumptively screwed by the last-minute suck cancellation of his training race the Tour of Asturias, oldie-but-goodie Cadel's chances are looking increasingly good. More bad news for Italian cycling: Pippo Pozzato's Classics season was such a downer Lampre's apparently going to keep him out of the Giro d'Italia. Irrelevant Trentino bonus: former Euskie mountain goat Mikel Landa grabbing a monster stage win. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeel--uh, Astana, whatever!

Yer Point/Counterpoint on the Lance Armstrong Doping Report; Including, the Hincapie Conundrum

Jane, You Ignorant Slut: yep, the USADA report is out, the links are here, and let's get straight to the arguments (and counterarguments) flooding the twitsphere with outrage:

1. It's Hearsay From a Bunch of Lying D!@#chebags!: No, it isn't. It's *direct observations* from a bunch of lying d!@#chebags. And USADA made it perfectly clear which d!@#chebags they believed. Move on.

2. USADA's Lawyers are Tangentially Associated With Big Tobacco!: Frankly, who gives a !@#$? It's not like they're personally dressed in a cute cartoon-character costume named "Smoky" passing out cigs to 10-year-olds. And no, Lance, it *doesn't* mean they're bad because they "defend cancer" and you're good 'cause you fight it. Really, taking legitimately life-saving (or life-extending) drugs for a banned purpose just to win a !@#$in' bike race is any *less* morally reprehensible?

3. He's a Hero to Millions!: Noted and duly appreciated. Everyone knows someone who's been touched by cancer, and inspiration for people who need it is good. It's still not cool to use your advocacy for a noble cause as both a shield and a weapon against your wrongdoing. It also doesn't mean that as athlete, you're not a cheat and an ass.

4. Everyone Else Was Doing It!: Not as well, they weren't, so yes, it still matters. Honestly, does anyone think a magnificent train wreck like Jan Ullrich could've held it together to do this !@#$ so well? And don't *make* me make some priggish analogy about jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge just because your friends all did it, you lemming!

5. The French Are Just A Whiny Pack o' Whiny Elitist Socialists Pissed Off That an American Kicked Their !@# for 7 Years!: Yes, they are. They drink wine instead of p!@#-water beer, they eat cheese instead of "cheez," and they haven't won their own Tour in a generation despite having their own disgusting cheat-weasels in the ranks. Lance is still a cheating thieving jerk, so what's your point?

6. Hincapie and Those Guys Did It Too!: Yes, it seems they did. And everyone loves them, and it sucks. Who doesn't want to root for a time-trial genius who still plays with action figures at age 35 or a guy who was *so close* to the GC at the Tour de France or a really, really humble and dog-loyal mentor to a whole younger generation of cyclists? The question is, though, what becomes of them now. And I don't actually think it's crap they got *some* sort of a deal for talking. Strip their wins from them? Sure, why not, especially since most are on the verge of retirement anyway, some of 'em managed to pile up some pretty stellar palmares in their own rights (or wrongs), and a simple ban now won't mean that much. But punish 'em as hard as Lance? No. Lance was offered a deal. He rejected it, as is his right, he actively fought the charges, as is his right--hey, no hard feelings. But he also openly--and really quite viciously--tried to destroy anyone who tried to tell the truth, which is completely !@#holian. Omerta exists for more than one reason, greed and the desire for personal glory among them. Fear, though, is an even greater reason, and *that* is what has damn near destroyed this sport. If Lance was its worst enforcer and its greatest beneficiary, why *shouldn't* he go down the hardest?

7. He Never Tested Positive!: Yes, he did. Just not the way that holds up a ban. And while I generally think that total stupidity *should* be a jailable offense, I don't think you give a guy bonus points for being a cheating dirty pig really, really well.

8. It's a Witch-Hunt!: no, it's not. It's a buncha people doing the job that those disgusting glory-whore enablers at UCI completely failed, or were unable, to do. Justice is often messy, dirty, lengthy, and complicated. And yes, you're going after Lance over anyone else. You glorify yourself as a hero and a saint and just the bestest bestest athlete ever to walk the planet, you go for blood on everyone who correctly called you out, you lose your right to bitch about it when people reasonably ask questions. Really--the witch hunt was *against* Lance, not *by* him? Tell that to Frankie Andreu!

9. It's Too Far in the Past! There's No Point!: yes, there is. Somewhere, right now, in the !@#-end of the autobus, is a really talented rider who dreams of winning races but knows he can't because the sport is *still*--however improved, if it even is--tainted, and he doesn't want to, or is just afraid to, dope playing a buncha life-threatening games with his body. And it would be awful, awful nice too, if you could count on the governing bodies that are supposed to police the sport weren't sticking their noses so far up the butts of their favored riders that their noses are pokin' out the other end. So if *this* blows over, why would that rider think all the little stupid things that add up poison the sport *now* won't blow over?

Okay, fanboys 'n' girls, cynics and romantics, deniers and paranoid conspiracy theorists--have at. Me, I'm gonna go back to wondering where that dreamy Cav is gonna end up!

It's the 2013 Giro d'It--Uh, Tour de Fr--Hey, What the !@#$?

Why Not Just Bash the Mountains Into Smithereens and Give Brad the Vuelta, Too, While We're At It?: all right, I get that Wiggo has the coolest sideburns since that high-tech "VHS" machine came out right around the same era as cheesy macho-man mustachoied video-porno-by-mail and all, and that it's great publicity having him at your race and all--but really, including 8 thousand k of (mostly flat) time trial in the Giro d'Italia for chrissakes? Am I hallucinating here that the Italians don't want one of their own to win their beautiful, historic race *again*? You ain't gonna keep Vincenzo Nibali from losing 20 freakin' hours of time next year unless you shove a rocket up his !@# at the start! And really, was anything more of a snoozefest this year than than watching Froome have to take a detour off the side of the mountains to have a relaxing meal and a mani-pedi til Wiggins finally caught up to him the next freakin' stage all July? Look, Giro--I get you don't want to be the masochist vertical-hell thin-air martyr-fest that is the Vuelta. And no-one's saying you should be--as the Giro d' Italia, you are perforce perfect as you are. And the mountain stages *are* pretty cool--if you weren't so hell-bent wiping out the advantage they'll give. But really, you want Wiggo so bad you're gonna screw everyone else but maaaaybe Contador? Aiiiggggggghhhhhhhhh! Well, if it makes you feel any better, at least Nibali'll have Vinokourov threatening to rip his legs off and toss 'em over the side of the Stelvio if he doesn't deliver--maybe that, if not the hopeless desire for the maglia rose on this course anyway, will give him wings!

George Hincapie, Drug Mule: aw, heck, if Hincapie's legacy weren't already presumed tainted enough, now comes reports that loyal Lanceian lieutenant/fall-guy Hincapie lied his way with a bucket o' EPO through Customs, which makes me not question the amorality nor sheer remorseless of Lance's (alleged!) cheatin' scheme, but, more importantly, your teammates took all these potentially career-destroying risks to cover *your* !@#, and all you would do for the guys was give George one lousy stage win? Forget (allegedly!) stealing 7 Tour de France victories from less well-connected, moneyed and organized squads--you're one cheap sonofabitch, Armstrong! Oh, George, you shoulda at least held out for one stage every Tour, you self-effacingly generous guy...

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest-Day Roundup; Geezers in Review; and, Enter to Win Free Stuff, Part Dos!

Higher Ground: okay, let's lay it out flat: Contador sure can still accelerate, but happy tweets aside he can't quite sustain it right now, either, and if he really don't pick it up next week, it's still lookin' like a distinct step backwards for our wee doe-eyed darling since the end of his ban. The legs a little competition-rusty? Sure. Froome already looking--aw, !@#$, he's the beneficiary of the Three-Week Rider Insult Moratorium from our week one contest! But anyhoo, Alberto's never before had to rely on someone like a Purito's comparative inferiority in the time-trial before, much less the hope that main competitors Rodriguez and a t--(!@#dammit, foiled *again*!) Froome'll bonk out in week 3 just as he hits his stride. Valverde? Having a hell of a Vuelta so far, but really, am I the only one just countin' down the days 'til his Annual Grand-Tour Great-Hope Mid-Race Meltdown? As for Euskaltel's Igor Anton, he, like the rest of our beloved Basque squad, is merely waiting patiently--so patiently--to surprise the clueless big-shots with a ginormous stealth attack (shut up! go to hell!). So pull it together Alberto, it's been more than a week already--you're only proving your skeptics' told-ya-so crowing right now! Tomorrow, a lumpy little diversion before Wednesday's 39 kilometers o' (rather twisty-turny actually) fear:

Fountain of Youth My !@#: meantime, it's been a bangin' week for guys like Jens Voigt, Christian Vande Velde, and Levi Leipheimer, cuttin' down the whippersnappers of the peloton like scythes at the USA Pro Cycling Challenge as Jens takes the King of the Mountains classification for goodness' sake but, sadly, also setting the sun on the career of big George Hincapie, who, despite his baffling loyalty to Lance Armstrong, has always been a class act, an eager and generous mentor, and a completely underrated and self-sacrificing talent. Me, as for retirements, I'll absolutely miss my dear erratic unapologetic Olympic-champion raving wingnut Vinokourov most of all--oh, Vino, promise me when you rule Kazakhstan you'll at least challenge rival national leaders to slug out on the road like the cowardly weakling punks they are...and here, George's price o' passion:

Contest Update: last but not least, it's game on baby for Part Dos of our Racejunkie Vuelta a Espana Win Free Stuff Contest, so enter for a chance to win! a Rafflecopter giveaway

Johan Bruyneel Is A Complete And Total Tool

Punk-!@# Move of the Year: look, Johan, I know you've got to justify the truly sick wad of dough you've had to spend on those enormous cash-sucking 2012 disappointments, the Schlecks. And sure, Chris Horner's older'n Moses. But what he's not, and what you are, is a total backstabbing bitch. What kind of bull!@#$ move is that to let someone who's busted his !@# for you, someone who's been nice to Lance Armstrong for you, someone who rode through a potentially catastrophic concussion on a stage he doesn't even remember for you, know that you're keeping him off the Tour team by his wife freakin' reading it on the internet? What a !@#damn wuss you are! Worse, you didn't even man up enough to say you didn't think he was strategically not the best choice for the team, the sponsor threatened to rip your nuts off--whatever was true, it might've been disagreed with, but anybody can respect honesty--so why, especially when you've been publicly dope-slapping the Schlecks every five minutes for being boo-boo-whinging crybaby simp-toddlers, are you gonna blame Horner from having a back problem he says he's been riding a century every damn day through? Oh, sure, Johan heard the hate and "clarified" that Horner was told to be at the Tour de Suisse or stay home--but you've been telling the Schlecks all season to quit sucking, and you're still still letting *them* go! You *blow* Johan--now own your mind-boggling low-class crappiness to a stand-up guy before he supersizes himself at McDonald's the rest of the season in gloomy self-pity, and apologize you tool!

George Hincapie and the One That Got Away: in other bummers, ever-underrated strongman George Hincapie is retiring, and while certainly his rock-solid ever-grateful Lanceian loyalty has always been a puzzlement to me anyway since it took LA like 14 seasons to even allow the man a Tour stage, I gotta say, it may be time, but it's the peloton's, and tifosi's, loss. He's totally sacrificed his own ambitions for others despite a huge natural (and hard-trained) personal talent, he's aggressively mentored younger riders, and he's remained optimistic, polite, and discreet in the face of a lot of crap he didn't cause. George, I'm sorry your bike exploded, 8 billion yokels crashed ahead of you and held you up, and you got devoured by a pack of snarling wolverines so that you never actually got to win Paris-Roubaix--but thanks for some pretty stellar memories!

Cav Hits the Slimfast: finally, Mark Cavendish apparently isn't satisfied merely being one of the great sprinters of all time, because now he's decided that his butt's too big to drag up the climbs, as well, and is perusing a lifetime supply of insecurity-inducing women's mags for weight-loss tips. Is it me, or is he already (1) not that big for a sprinter already; and (2) whatever-many kilos of solid muscle as it is? Don't sacrifice your power for lightness, Cav--like Petacchi and Hushovd before you, you may just age-and-experience into being a better mountain man anyway, so why not enjoy what even I've gotta salute as pretty darn perfect as long as you can?

Yer Holy !@#$ of the Week: Peter Sagan at the Tour de Suisse. Am I the only person thinkin' there's a whoooooole lotta guys on competing teams just wetting their chamois at the thought of this guy up against 'em all season?

Uh-Oh, *That* Don't Sound Right

Y'Know That Prickly Feeling You Get on the Back of Your Neck When Something Creepy's About to Happen?: yeah, well, no matter how well-intentioned, an inspiring article about the Schlecks' efforts to improve their notoriously sucktastic time-trialing and descending skills just starts to read a weeeeeeeeee bit creepier when it's subheaded something like "Weaknesses Being Targeted by Spanish Experts." Sorta like "Tom Boonen's Birthday Party Being Planned by Top Belgian Disco Owner!" Anyway, I'm sure Johan Bruyneel's got his top do--folks on the problem, and if only so Cadel and Contador don't totally make 'em look like asses against the clock next July, I'm genuinely rooting for the brothers to triumph in their new disciplines-o'-choice. Hell, with "experts" on hand, how can they fail?

Go Big George!: meantime, I see big George Hincapie's teaming up with BMC to support a squad's-worth of upcoming young cycling talent, and while BMC handles the tedious logistics of equipment, lodging, and morals clauses, Professor George is scheduled to teach such classes as "How to Win a Race Even After Your Bike's Spontaneously Exploded," "Econ 101: How Much Do You Have to Pay a Guy to Make Him Wash Your Bike Shorts?" and "What To Do When the Narcs Come a-Knockin' For Your Friend." Me, I'd be delighted to see any of these whippersnappers open up a can of whup-!@# on the peloton--I mean, am I the *only* getting bored with the sheer inevitability every time Gilbert lines up for a race?

!@#Dammit, Bjarne, What Part of "Pimp Yourself If You Have To, But Get This Guy" Don't You Understand?: okay, no more excuses: Geox is *over*, and Juan Jose Cobo needs your help--or more accurately, you need *his* help, because if you *don't* dredge up Contador some more talent in the next two or so weeks, *and* he chokes the Tour as a result, I guarantee you Captain Cool'n'Rational is gonna whang you over the head with his two-ounce bike helmet 'til you start to cower with annoyance and screech for mercy from the onslaught. Heck, don't you *want* a backup plan in case your boy goes down for cattle-doping? Come on, offer him *something*--your Tour trophy, your eternal soul, *anything* worth a few euros'll do!

Lance Armstrong's Oh, !@#$! Moment

Okay, *This* One's Gotta Hurt: all right, forget bitter-Betty Landis and his "Fairness Fund" and even Tyler exorcising--and I hope it helps--his demons saying he had a bird's eye view of Armstrong injecting EPO: now, it appears, permanent Lance loyalist big George Hincapie has told the feds he saw Lance using PEDs. Look, even if you can't accept the premise that Floyd and Tyler just finally wanted out from under, you can argue all day that, besides being pissed over being busted to boot, Floyd and Hamilton had their own agendas--they dared to want and have their own careers, and Lance never stopped punishing 'em for it. And as it happens, disgusted as I was by Hamilton in particular at the time because I'd been so enamored of his brave uphill Grand Tour slog through a snapped collarbone, I don't think Tyler actually has anything to gain at this point, unless you count being ruthlessly ripped by the entire American Lance-worshipping cycling-ignoring public as an obvious liar, self-promoter, and general scumbag--which would seem to go against Tyler's self-imposed quiet couple of years off the radar and on to a respectable day-job. But Hincapie, who willingly stuck with Lance through most of his Tours at his own legacy's expense and for one lousy stage win at that, has none of that baggage. So let's hear it--how's Lance gonna smack down this one?

A Note From the Completely Immaterial Arguments Department: And while we're at it, and before Lance's Tour de France army comes at all us doubters with surface-to-air missiles, can we please stop with the dimwit self-serving "never tested positive" bull!@#$ already? Neither did Bjarne, Basso, Valverde, or half a dozen other heroes for the most part, until they either 'fessed up in annoyance or finally screwed up just enough. Neither did pretty well the entire cheating lowlife dope-sucking passel of Lance's PostalDiscovery minions, either--at least 'til after they left him. But apparently, they're all lyin' when they say they did dope when they didn't test positive, and all got nailed the very very very first time they ever did dope. So can we lay to rest the idiot argument that there's obviously no doping in the peloton because no-one got caught today with a giant needle in their !@#? Thanks, everybody!

Grossglockner Is Right: meantime, that was almost agonizing to watch the Giro today, particularly as I wouldn't mind seeing Nibali--hell, anyone--take a bite outta Contador just for variety's sake, but I gotta admit, baffled as I was when Alberto first took off gratuitously on the final climb considering the challenges still ahead for tomorrow and Sunday, that boy is growing some tactical *brains*. All he's gotta do now is hold on tight, and he's even, not to curse him or nothin', got room for a little mechanical problem or careless hunger bonk. On the other hand, is anyone else disconcertingly reminded of Ivan Basso's blistering win in 2006? Nope, nope, he couldn't be that stupid, it's just his natural superiority...or at least it !@#damn well better be!

Change in Plans: meantime, I see the Giro has just announced it's ditching the nasty ascent, and, more to the point, hairy descent of Monte Crostis tomorrow, which, depending on how they reroute the stage, could give the remaining GC boys some hope that they'll still have some life in their legs before Contador bashes it out of 'em, or, if Alberto's feeling particularly generous (speaking of which, it *was* worth the 8-second loss in time bonus to be a respectable human being and let Rujano take the stage win), even a little bit of actual leeway. Well, the day will tell--just be careful out there on the rest of it, guys, and well and wisely done by the Giro to sacrifice drama for safety!

Daaaaaaaavvve! Jeeeeeeeeennnnnns!: finally, besides the bummin' realization that we love Jens Voigt had to bail out of the TOC after riding with a broken wrist all day, that was really one kick-butt win for Dave Zabriskie today and an exceedingly fine performance from Chris Horner to hold onto the jersey. See, you *can* win without the porn-stache--now on to the Tour de France!

Lessons In Love...

...From Doping Investigators: so yap, there's another giant doping scandal involving 54 skankmasters in Italy, yap, Lampre's a giant easter-egg-colored pack of drug-snarfers, yap, but more interesting, in my view, is that the rat in this case is a woman and hospital employee close to alleged head pusher Guido Nigrelli, who, according to gazzetta dello sport, acted out of twin motives of "passion" and "economics." Which leads us, class, to *two* important life lessons: (1) never piss off your woman, and (2) never, ever stiff an employee. After all, just think of the poor sweet cheating scumlords whose palmares will be destroyed by such careless folly!

The Man With the Golden Arm: man, can Alejandro "Bloodbag" Valverde's life *get* any more charmed? Not only is he allowed to ride everywhere unrestricted except (and for the hilarity factor on this one, see above) Italy, and not only did he genuinely win the stage today at the Vuelta a Pais Vasco, but he even "won" the opener there yesterday when we love Oscar Freire was !@#$ed and relegated in the sprint. First, judge for yerself. Second, Oscar could bodily whack Valverde off his bike with a giant medieval battering ram and I'd still pick Freire, so the actual merits are moot. Gee, if *I* install a permanent IV port in *my* !@# and hire top-flight legal and publicity goon squads, will someone pay *me* a gazillion euros a year to be a doping cheating dirtwad?

Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing: meantime, over at Columbia-HTC, the boys are getting along just great, as Andre Greipel discreetly suggests that he'd've been a better pick than an off-his-form Mark Cavendish for Milano-Sanremo, and an excruciatingly polite Cav rather begs to differ, opining he's happy to ride on the same squad with such a talentless assclown as Greipel and that there's no way in hell Cav's gonna let that loser ride on his Tour de France squad. C'mon, Andre, take the high road, apologize, kiss, and make up--that is if Cav doesn't chew your face off with those giant teeth of his first!

Tweet o' the Week: yes, this one's a two-fer, as amiable George Hincapie takes on Podium Cafe wisenheimers who tell him he blew Flanders by using completely the wrong wheels for the cobbles, and righter-of-wrongs Robbie "Head-Butt" McEwen comes to his chivalrous defense. Damn, George is like 8 feet tall and Robbie could beat the crap out of even all of Cadel's enormous entourage with both arms tied behind his back--good thing no-one reads *this* drivel!

Too Much Is Never Enough: finally, I see Lance has decided to bow out of the Ardennes classics, but lest any of you Armstrong fans are freaked you won't be getting a play-by-play update on how many times he picks his toes today, never fear: as our bike experts at the AP were quick to post, oh my god he's riding the Circuit de la Sarthe this week! Too bad we'll never find out the name of the rider who actually *wins* the thing, at least from the American press anyway....