G-1, Baby: It's Yer Giro d'Italia In Preview Part Tre, The Climbers and Hot-Gossip Roundup! #Giro

Woot woot!: yes, after 11 months of lonesome agony, the smashing Giro d'Italia is back, and with just one day til the GC contenders find out whose lumpen teammates screwed 'em in the team time trial already, it's time for our last preview! Who's left to cover: the climbers, the assorted stage fighters, and of course yer random slimy hot-gossip smack-talk roundup! The score:

The Climbers: sure, Movistar's saving Valverde to back-stab Quintana at the first sign of any weakness at the Tour de France, but even better, they Sky and even Astana've brought half of Euskaltel with 'em, and while Porte Alberto Uran and Aru are keeping their eyes and wheels locked on each other, this leaves a blazin' field of ex-Carrots free to do what they do best, unleash the pain on every damn climb from the Mortirolo to Sestriere. Vai vai Mikels Landa and Nieve, Benat Intxausti, Igor Anton, and Ion Izagirre! Oughta win *some* kinda stage *somewhere* after all that hype then his disastrous 2014: Carlos "!@#$ Off Comparing Me to Quintana Already!" Betancur.

The Sprinters: look, it's the Giro dammit, so who gives? But still, it's all about Andre "the Gorilla" Greipel, whose main competition is either at the Amgen EPO Tour of California (Cav) or felled by some strength-sapping virus and desperately trying to come back for the Tour (Kittel). Me, I'm calling we love Tom Boonen, whose recent dislike for the argy-bargy of his youth is outweighed by the motivator that his Classics campaign was completely !@#$ed, sentimental fave Ale-Jet "Wheezy" Petacchi, back for one more round with the podium babes, and, because he's also an ex-Euskie, surprise flatlander hit Juan Jose Lobato. Gorilla, you got *no* excuses if you blow this!

The Puncheurs: they're called "puncheurs" because if you !@#$ around and blow the breakaway in the last two kilometers, they'll punch you in the face. Also, they have a lotta power outta seemingly nowhere, and a distinct penchant for spoiling everyone's else's fun. We love Philippe Gilbert, who so fiercely and famously faced off with a giant crash-causing dog and his child charge some time back; "Bling" Matthews, who looked so dashing in pink lo those many days last year; Sylvain Chavanel (shut up! can so either!), Luca "the Beard" Paolini, and Simon Gerrans. Come on Chava--we know damn well you still got it!

The Latest: finally, I'd be wholly remiss if I didn't remind my loyal reader(s) that: (1) Reigning Tinkoff-Saxo megalomaniac Oleg Tinkov says if Alberto Contador doesn't win this thing in his sleep, he's a hopeless weakling weenie; (2) he'd win it himself if his damn knee hadn't been bothering him, but it's still strong enough to kick Berto's butt off Aprica if he don't save Oleg's ego; (3) no less a cycling god than Bernard Hinault says Alberto can do the Giro-Tour double, so no pressure if you prove *him* wrong; and (3) Tinkoff-Saxo have, in addition to a video of comely two-time champ Ivan Basso's plan for victory, released this *hugely* intimidating photograph of an intently-focused Giro squad absolultey *smoking* a woman riding home with her groceries. Beat *that*, Aru you poser pretender wannabe!

It's Yer 2015 Giro d'Italia in Preview: The Course!

Oh yeah, it's Grand Tour season at last, baby--and what better way to kick it off than with the insanely beautiful--and grossly underappreciated--Giro d'Italia! So before we get to the contenders--and yap, Alpe d'Huez, yap, it will so too be better than the Tour de France no matter who's riding it--what've these poor saps got in store for the next 21 days once they set off from San Lorenzo al Mare? This!

Stage 1: Yep, let's get our first boy into pink--it's the team time trial, honey! 17.7 k of pretty darn flat twitchy-as-hell first-day legs.

Stage 2: Sprintfest! I know, Tommeke's just coming back and this isn't his race, and Petacchi's, well, still about a hundred years younger than Davide Rebellin, but half the other fast-men have been felled by viruses this year, and these guys have got something to prove. Plus, in Ale-Jet's sunset Giro, the scene of so many of his triumphs, he'll be keen to at least be in the mix. So even if the Gorilla does get it, forza both of 'em--if not this day, then soon!

Stage 3: time to stretch the legs on the uphills before a flat flat finish. First GC contender to look weak gets mercilessly abused in the press the next three weeks!

Stage 4: Up and down again, and again, a flat end to the day. Puncheurs, unite!

Stage 5: Officially again, a "medium mountain" stage, but the first of the uphill finishes. Aru, if you haven't already been po--uh, aren't quite feeling your best yet, this is a nice place to show off!

Stages 6 and 7: Whew! More playgrounds for the sprinters. Enjoy 'em while they last, Greipel--or before the mountains kick your !@# out the race!

Stage 8 and 9: up we go! A steep schlep then slight whip down on stage 8, then a roller-coaster of a stage 9. Next up: rest day, thank God!

Stage 10: the GC contenders just have to stay the hell outta the way as the fast-men enjoy another chance to shine. But the pain is coming gentlemen, it's coming!

Stage 11: rather lumpy, but fundamentally harmless. Stage 12: flat most of the way, then a coupla big bumps and an uphill slog to the finish. Keep your cool, Aru!

Stage 13: !@#$, where are the mountains already?

Stage 14: Damn, a 59.4k individual time trial! Any bets on who gets hosed the worst?

Stage 15: The GC battle really begins! After the Passo Daone takes a serious 14% nip at the legs, the top of the Madonna di Campiglio will either bring Alberto Contador hope and glory, or a post-race team-bus !@#-whuppin' for the ages. Next up, it's the second and final rest day--as we all start to seriously contemplate, so is this "Giro-Tour Double" bull!@#$, or not?

Stage 16: ow ow ow ow ow! It's the fearsome Mortirolo with maximum agony of 18 !@#$in' percent--but that's not even the end of it! If Porte can hold it to Aprica, and get over that little matter of the 15% hump up the way, he's looking good for overall. But maybe not so good as Contador!

Stage 17: Any o' you sprinters left? Here's your reward--you won't be feeling half so great tomorrow!

Stage 18: On the plus side, it's pretty nice and flat at the end. Like anyone will have enough energy to notice!

Stage 19: Screwed on GC, but hoping for a game-changing--and stupidly unmarked--flash of brilliance, or at least a face-saving stage win from yer humiliating time trial? Cervinia's your chance--good luck with that!

Stage 20: D'oh! It's the Col delle Finestre, on the way to Sestriere. Has Contador still got it, or has the turmoil in Tinkov's house taken its toll on his resident GC superstar too? Is finally Porte going to grow into the hype? Or is an ex-Euskaltel rider going to make me not give a crap anyway? Yep, woot woot ex-Carrots!

Stage 21: finally, as the overall winner takes his chill victory lap--and it better be Contador, or it sure won't be chill with Tinkov following him in the team car screaming for 6 straight hours--everyone but the sprint lead-outs can just concentrate on staying upright and mercifully crossing the finish line in more or less one piece. Oh, come on, even if it's a bull!@#$ giveaway, like you don't think this'd be a nice goodbye for Petacchi!

And here, the entire course, with techno music--next up, our GC Contenders, and yes there are and no I haven't forgotten the other guys!

It's Yer Giro d'Italia in Preview, Part Tre: The Sprinters!

Look, generally, I have zero use for sprints at the Giro. But there's a truly obscene 6 or 8 of 'em this year (depending on yer view), and as a result, there's actually some competition. So what to expect? Here's yer guys:

1. Roberto Ferrari. Strengths: Remember that !@#hole who crashed Cav at the 2012 Giro by careening across the entire road and takin' half the rest of the peloton with him? Yep, that's Roberto! He's selfish, unapologetic, and even--if he can knock the other guys off their bikes first--fast enough to win. Minuses: who the !@#$'s gonna do anything to help--hell, not actively hurt--this guy? In bocca al lupo Roberto--if the other squads don't preemptively bushwhack you first! Here, Captain Sportsmanship takes his line:

2. Elia Viviani. Strengths: Italy's hot young sprint hope, he beat Mark Cavendish two times last week at the Tour of Turkey. Weakness: Cav ain't riding the Giro. And just hope Ivan Basso doesn't show Cannondale the legs to pull rank!

3. Alessandro Petacchi: Strengths: with Cav saving his energy for the Tour de France by riding the Amgen EPO Tour of Screw You UCI For Scheduling This Opposite the Giro! California, Petacchi can ride this race for himself. He's got experience, he's got tactics, he loves the race, and he's got incentive at likely his last-ever Giro. Weaknesses: at 40, he's lost some power. But he's still banking wins, so don't count this Fassa Bortolo veteran out!

4. Marcel Kittel: Strengths: let's be honest--it's basically between Kittel, and everyone else. And his hair alone will demoralize half his competitors. Weaknesses: no way is he going to screw the rest of his season sticking it out through the mountains. At least someone else can take the points jersey in Milano!

5. Nacer Bouhanni: Strengths: He's had a great season, but still ain't number one on the watchlist. Really, has anyone been paying attention to FDJ? Weaknesses: there's great, and there's winning-a-sprint-at-a-Grand-Tour great. We'll see!

6. Michael "Bling" Matthews and Ben "Swifty" Swift: Strengths: oh come on, you know it's their nicknames. That, and they do have a kick. Love to see one of 'em take a stage!

7. Tyler Farrar: Strengths: I am convinced, despite all evidence, that the old Tyler's still in there somewhere. Weaknesses: a crap few seasons, and resulting squat for team support. He needs luck, timing, and luck. Forza Tyler!

Well, them's yer thoroughbreds. If I missed anyone, let me know--and boys, watch out for you-know-who!

Cav, You Big Baby!

Wah, Wah, Wah: Okay, the stage *just* ended so the official commentary from the sprinters isn't in yet, but how it *does* clearly go is something like, Cav: "wah, wah, wah, that bastard, wah, my line, wah, crappy sport, wah, I should take it like a man but I won't, wah" and Petacchi: "heat of the sprint, no wah, great lead out, Cav who, no wah, I only had 18 puffs of my asthma meds in the last 500 meters, no wah, why am I suddenly a better sprinter at 37 than I was at 33, no wah." Geez, Cav, half the time you're sending Renshaw up there like some picked-on twerp's schoolyard muscle to sucker-punch somebody 3 meters from the line, so suck it *up* for once, whydontcha? Oh, there's Ale-Jet kissing the podium babes--oof! And there you are sulking like a little !@#$% as you pull on the massive honor of the leader's jersey! Oh, wait, here's the word right from the giant teeth: "I had to stop and start my sprint two times" and, apparently the real beef on the issue, "I get relegated for that." Okay, he swerved a bit, cry it out over a beer on your new maglia rosa tonight and cut down the pissy wanker gesturing, all right? Here's the footage:

Igor Anton Is !@#$%ed!: meantime, on GC, Carlos Sastre claims unconcern at his squad's unhealthy hosing in the team time trial, Scarponi is cautiously pleased, Contador's unconcerned, Nibali's in great shape and poor we love Euskaltel's Igor Anton who still has plenty of time to come back in the mountains (shut up!) is off to a miserable though certainly for him not irredeemable start at 87 minutes back (shut up!). Tomorrow: the contenders save themselves for the mountains at the end of the week, and Cav gets his revenge unless he gets distracted while Robbie McEwen head-butts him off his ride while Tyler comes around as the only guy *not* cheating and takes the stage. You go, Tyler!

My New Ferrari: speaking of Nibali, I see he's hotly contesting any rumored ties to renowned Lance BFF Dr. Michele Ferrari, which is really too bad when you think about it, because he's apparently just a really fun guy to hang out with at a barbecue and a ton of sterile medical equipment before and during a big Grand Tour. A gentle nudge to the Giro organizers: if you're gonna nail him, which you won't, at least don't pull a Rasmussen on him and let him get within 20k of the final finish line before you jerk him outta the race!