Okay, cycling. You know what you did. And you oughta be ashamed of yourselves! But even if you're not, what better way to start off the New Year by making a buncha impossible-to-live-up-to resolutions whose failure to complete will cause you relentless guilt and self-loathing the entire next season? So if you don't know what's good for you, *we* sure do, so riders and assorted other cycling folks, listen up!
1. Julian Alaphilippe: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I outsmarted the lot of you at the World Championships for the second year in a row while you all !@#$ed around fighting for the podium behind rather'n work together to actually reel me in so you could go for the top spot. So I'm good!
2. Mikel Landa. I know what I have to do, and I am gonna do it. That's right, I'm gonna wrap myself up in 50 miles of bubble wrap every time I leave the house, and I am gonna *stay* upright in one piece!
3. Bahrain Merida: in a related resolution, we are going to freakin' cattle prod anyone who gets within 100 meters of Mikel, and any piece of road furniture that dares to exist in his presence we are gonna blast outta the way with a !@#damn cannon. We'll try to warn the rest of you first though!
4. Toms Skujins: I am going to start an all-potato food truck to follow me around for sustenance--and also serve my fans--all season. Frites, baked, smashed, mashed, roasted, au gratin, skins, hashed, gnocchi, and latkes. Someone else can take care of the beer truck!
5. Giro Donne. I am gonna air *every* stage, *live*, for its *full length*, this year and every year thereafter, including to the US. We'll take up the issue of adding another 11 stages next year!
6. Elisa Longo Borghini. Given the above, isn't it obvious?
7. Euskaltel. We've conquered the breakaways, we've earned our spots back in the Grand Tours which we never should've had to do anyway, and in 2022, as befits the best climbers on earth, we're bringing home and sealing the deal with the impossibly high mountain finishes we're known for. Giro, Tour and Vuelta--watch out!
8. Mark Cavendish: I'm going to win the green jersey at the Tour de France, just to stick it to Pat Lefevere. And no, you don't get a podium pic with me after the way you b*tched about me all year!
9. Any and All World Tour Teams. What the !@#$ is this travesty? We're gonna #HireSimonClarkeDammit! Hell, even Ineos--that's how desperate the fans are to have him back another season!
10. Remco Evenepoel: I'll shut my yap complaining about my teammates. I can just take the Worlds without slagging 'em anyway!
11. Anna Kiesenhofer: all right, so you're all gonna be on the lookout for me now. I'm going to hide discreetly amongst the Belgians, then take half the races I enter next season anyway!
12. Alexander Vinokourov: I don't need to resolve *anything* after my intra-squad coup last year. Bow, peons!
13. Movistar: we'll ride *for* our GC guy this year, and *not* do everything we can to shepherd some other schmuck's team to victory. And while we're at it--we get that that trident !@#$ *never works!
14. Last but Not Least, the Fans: We will restrain our signs, leash our dogs, retract our selfie sticks, extinguish our flares, refrain from throwing disgusting bodily emissions on the riders, and for FFS, cover up that hideous TMI neon banana-hammock when we're charging alongside the leader on Mont Ventoux so we don't burn the GC's, or the home viewers', retinas out. We're serious--that last part of the resolution is non-negotiable!
Well, I guess the rest of you get off the hook easy this year. But don't think you're out of the running for 2023!
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