Well, cycling fans, it's been another glorious, weird, and frankly intermittently shameful year in our beloved peloton, and with the end of 2021 drawing nigh, it's time to reflect seriously upon the year just past with the sort of somber reflection, skilled analysis, obsequious groveling, and low-rent treachery you've both come to expect from we here at racejunkie. And heck knows, riders and management alike have been up to enough hijinks in even another truncated cycling season to deserve a party. So what better to celebrate than the good, the bad, and whoa moly, the ugly of our dear cycling with our Incredibly Prestigious 2021 racejunkie Awards? Prizes--I swear on Euskaltel--for anyone so desperate or craven to claim 'em: (1) a smashing custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap (NOT a !@#damn baseball cap, you freaks); (2) a 100% genuine sports-related trophy with your name and award etched right on it, or, depending on budget, written right on the plaque in exceedingly neat Sharpie; (3) a passel o' racejunkie stickers to stick on stuff, hand out, or throw away (NOT responsible here for any humungous UCI fines incurred for reckless or reckful littering); and (4) eternal adulation or infamy, because unlike us elders whose youthful dumb*ssery mercifully faded into the sunset, the internet forgets nothing. Anywho, we're grateful for the lot of you, so let's get this embarrassing party started!
Domestique o' the Year: before we get to the big stars--and let's be honest, most of these folks *ought* to be and *should* be big stars in their own right, if they aren't already--let's pause a moment to bow before the true workhorses of any team and every race, the humble domestique. Shielding their team captain from those bone-snapping moments of inattention within the peloton, setting a blistering pace up a vicious climb to spit out any remotely tired competitors from their spot in GC, blazing a safe path and a perfectly-placed wheel for their sprinter amidst the chaotic argy-bargy of the charge to the line, or even just sacrificing a badly-needed gel or water-bottle, these riders gut themselves into literal post-race vomiting to get their job done. But of all the amazing work done this year, the most notably heartwarming was Dani Martinez dropping back to scream encouragement to a weaving, exhausted, dangerously-close-to-blowing it Egan Bernal on Sega di Ala at the Giro. There, I've been nice to Ineos--do I get a pass for what I'm gonna say about 'em in 2022?
Fan !@#$wit Award: oh my goodness. Even in a hotly-contested field jam-packed full of flares on oxygen-deprived mountain-top finishes, airborne umbrellas on sketchy descents, and the usual plethora of runaway animal intrusions, this year's award takes the cake. Allez Opi-Omi for the cameras all you will--but please, please, please stay far enough the hell away from the course that you don't take out half the peloton and 3/4 of their season's goals for it!
Scrawny Little Slap-Fight o' 2021 (Metaphorical Rider Edition): normally, of course, this would go to Gianni Moscon for actually physically sucker-punching some innocent bystander, but this year, we've got the smashing Miguel Angel Lopez-Enric Mas Vuelta a Espana debacle, in which a feeling-pretty-darn-good Lopez was unjustly ordered by his team boss Unzue to play leaden-legs and crush his own chances for glory while coddled teammate Mas pounded blissfully away towards a podium spot. I mean, I sympathize and all--but Landa put up with ten times this much !@#$ at Movistar, and you don't see him bailing on the side of the road in a huff!
Scrawny Little Slap-Fight o' 2021 (Metaphorical Team Boss Edition): which is worse--what the famously uncouth Quick Step head Patrick Lefevere said about Mark Cavendish when Cav was winning 8,000 stages and the green jersey for him at the Tour, or his disgusting, misogynist, and generally toolish comments about Sam Bennett, whose great betrayal was winning a buncha races then reasonably deciding to head to less verbally-abusive pastures? Hard to say, because the man is a veritable treasure trove of !@#hattery. Congratulations Pat--you've just bagged *two* statues today!
Comeback of the Year: if you weren't bawling the first, then every, time that Fabio Jakobsen blasted back from catastrophic injury and painstaking recovery to the front of the field for a triumphant and mercifully safe sprint finish, you are a lying lying liar. Oh crap, I'm bawling right now--somebody pass the Kleenex !@#dammit!
Unsung Bad!@# Award: Odd Christian Eiking. Did you *see* that incredible entire week in the red leader's jersey coming by the very fine but quite unheralded Odd Christian Eiking? No, Nostradumb!@#, you did not--heck, I don't even think *he* did, either. Love, love, loved every minute!
Class Move o' the Year: sure, cycling, to its great credit, is rife with gracious concessions to well-earned or even sorta punk-!@# victories. But for an even-dicey legend like multiple everything-winner Alejandro Valverde to
Mud 'n' Guts Prize: It's the men's (how cool is it that now we have to specify which one?!) Paris-Roubaix, an edition worthy of the tired designation of "epic"--wet, cold, slippery, muddy, miserable. And who won the (genuinely) Hell of the North this year? Not the various Wout vans ostentatiously crowned before the race even began--it was Sonny freakin' Colbrelli in a three-up sprint right in the velodrome that no one could've predicted, collapsing to the ground screaming in joyous disbelief. So were we at home--chapeau, Sonny!
Heartbreak o' 2021: Yes, I *know* Lizzie Deignan earned it, I *know* her competitors blew it, but still, none of it makes up for GOAT Marianne Vos not taking the women's inaugural Paris-Roubaix. That's okay, she's probably got another Valverdean 30 or so seasons left--but let's take it next year, just in case!
Suckface Retirement o' 2021: look, leaving aside the many stellar riders from squads like Qhubeka that have yet to land a contract through no fault of their own--#HireSimonClarkeDammit!--there've been a lot of bummin' retirements this year that are entirely chosen by the parties involved. And while sure, the *riders* are happy, for the rest of us, it just plain sucks. We love big lug Andre Greipel, there's still time to reconsider!
House (Well, Country) of Pain Award: The women's world championship road race. The Dutch are the strongest team ever seen on paper *or* on the road and have approximately a squat chance of *someone* in their ranks not taking the gold medal. So who does it? Yeah, baby, 23 year old Italy's Elisa Balsamo, after a flaming trebuchet of a leadout by the squadra azzurra and a perfect finishing kick by Balsamo. Let the post-race celebrations--and waaaaaaaay more recriminations--begin!
The Entire Universe is Conspiring Against Him and the Entire Universe Can Just Go Suck It Award: ugh, who else? Mikel Landa, on the form of his life in a fantastic Giro course, sent skidding by fate, a crappily-marked metal pole, and an entirely faultless Joe Dombrowski across the tarmac and utterly wrecking not only his perfect Grand Tour, but most of the rest of the season. Yes, it's nice he won the overall at the Vuelta a Burgos. No, it's not *nearly* enough. Giro 2022 Mikel--and the rest of you, stay the !@#$ away from him, you hear?
And Last But Not Least, Punk-!@# Move o' the Year: Matej Mohoric. Yer Tour de France squad's *just* gotten a once-over by the narcs, and honestly, it's probably a !@#damn miracle you all escaped unscathed. So what do you discreetly decide to do when you grab Stage 19 of the race with plenty of time to preen before the line? That's right, you make a total !@#$-you "zip your lips" omerta' gesture directly to UCI, the cameras, and a whoooooole lot of annoyed officials. Idiot. Cripes, I miss the innocent if deeply annoying ol' "pistolero" days!
All right road cycling, this concludes the best and the worst you had to offer in 2021--though with two days left to go, who knows what monstrosities you'll come up with? So crack that Champagne, raise that glass, and slink on up to get yer prizes--and let's all try to do a bit better (or worse works too) in 2022!
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