Look, there's no sugar-coating it: 2020's been an absolute hellshow. From the first case of COVID in the peloton, to the last-second cancellation of our beloved Classics, to the postponement of all three Grand Tours, to the total destruction of everyone's training plans, it's a !@#damn miracle anyone's making it outta here in one piece. So if anyone deserves presents, it's these folks. So whadda they get in their stockings? This!
The Entire Women's Peloton: La Course is bull!@#$. And yes, the Giro Rosa is lovely. But give these athletes a real, 3-week Grand Tour already!
Mikel Landa: the Giro. The !@#$in' *Giro*. Not the relentlessly unsuitable, wholly pointless time trial-heavy Tour de France, you hear me? And then, and *only* then if you've stayed upright, can you do the Vuelta, in which you will also do dandy. And Bahrain-Victorious: if you wanna live up to yer new name, pony up for some more !@#$in' mountain support for the boy, and act like these are yer only races this season, all right?
EF Education First: screw the bug-eyed duck psychedelia--they were kind of stealth-magnificent this year, amirite? But as a result, they're marked next season. Invisible cloaking kit for 2021!
Julian Alaphilippe: restraint, or however you do a reset on someone's internal clock. *No* more celebrating before the finish line, you got that?
Movistar: *Now* you realize this "trident" strategy is bull!@#$, *after* you completely screw Mikel Landa? !@#% you, Movistar, I'm not giving you anything!
Alejandro Valverde: an Olympic gold medal. Just because it would make everyone *bonkers*. Hey, me included!
Thibaut Pinot: goat therapy. Some serious, serious goat therapy. Come back Tibo, we know you're still in there!
Marianne Vos: I was gonna wish her her first cyclocross victory in (by her standards) quite a while, but she already did that this week, on her first 'cross race in ages no less. Dang, I *hate* when the kids open their Festivus presents early!
Peter Sagan: oh, come on, I'm not his hugest fan either, but that stage 10 Giro win was pure panache. But in his subtle Bora-Hansgrohe colors, we could barely even *see* him at the Tour. Give 'im one last green jersey all the way to Paris, for the road!
Mikel Nieve: Yap, he's a great mentor for whippersnapper riders, yap (and he is). But the sheer beauty of that 2018 mountain stage win on his birthday at the Giro *still* has me shaking in my boots. One last Grand Tour stage for this ever-unsung, total class act of a rider!
Euskaltel: I DON'T CARE IF IT WAS A !@#$IN' PANDEMIC, YOU DON'T !@#$IN' EXCLUDE THE PLANET'S BEST CLIMBERS FROM THE GRAND TOURS! I mean, you went to the BASQUE MOUNTAINS without them. Who the hell *are* you people, SATAN?
Police bikes and Race Motos: if it takes "no brakes" to keep 'em from stopping dead in a blind corner in front of an unsuspecting rider, particularly on a screaming descent, so be it. You can have 'em back when you learn to stay outta the way!
Ineos Grenadiers: quit bitching and put away that fat stuffed wallet, you don't *deserve* Wout van Aert. You'll only ruin 'im anyway!
Cherie Pridham: she's a continental-team DS with decades of experience, and some trailblazing women have long (ish) been guiding women's pro teams, and their incredible athletes, to smashing results. But with her new gig as DS at Israel Start-Up Nation, she's the first woman to helm a men's World Tour team. I don't know what the hell town she was born in, but give that woman a 20-foot bronze statue in that town's square, pronto!
Master's Racers: it's beyond ridiculous that the only folks provably doping in the current peloton, which was smashing the records of known rightly-disgraced cyclists like hopped-up cheetahs this year, are a group of the very fine cyclists who, for reasons of age or having to have, y'know, paying day jobs, fill the Masters' ranks. And *yes*, I *do* know doping is wrong. But this unequal enforcement is horse hockey--so heck, just give these guys the good stuff!
Andre Greipel: one more smashing win. Bite me, he can so too either! What, like *you're* just asking Santa Claus for underpants?
Rally Cycling: new team kit. Hell, pop a mushroom like EF's graphic designer clearly did and see what crazy !@#$ you come up with. You're a dearly lovable squad, but how *dare* you wear Euskaltel orange?
Patrick Lefevere: I don't *what'd* piss off this guy most, but considering the innocent people he lammed into in the press and over Twitter like they were the second coming of Baby Lucifer, and the massive snit he's been in all year, let's give him that!
Annemiek van Vleuten: at 38, she's--well, lots younger than Valverde, and practically a millenium younger than Davide Rebellin. And, after multiple kick-!@# seasons with Michelton-Scott (and every other team she's ever been on), she's still at the top of her game. Movistar, this is the only decent move you've made in years--*don't* squander this incredible opportunity, and let her fly!
Euskaltel, II: a team time trial win. !@#$, if those hulking pro-wrestler murder hornets over at Jumbo Visma can be featherweight Sastrean mountain goats, why not?
Jason Osborne: yeah, an Olympic *rower*, never previously known to have won squat on a bicycle, much less a World Tour race, kicked the peloton's absolute !@# and won the first-ever UCI cycling e-racing men's World Championships. Jason, when you're snapped up by some enterprising DS with a last-minute infusion of sponsorship dough, may you never, *ever*, have to read "Didja know he used to be an Olympic rower?" for the rest of your cycling career. Except here, of course!
E-Racing. Last, but not least, let's give a completely heartfelt shout-out to the savior and bane of Spring and Summer 2020--e-racing, Everesting, and all that !@#$, for 2021, I wish you obsolescence. Blessed, COVID-free, off-the-trainer-and-back-onto-the-cobbles obsolescence. No wonder Landa snapped and took a hatchet to his setup!
All right, folks--despite the many, many deserving riders--and honestly, beleaguered fans too--left ungifted, this elf's got only so much bandwith, and frankly, anyone who's made it remotely this far's got only so much more tolerance. Merry Festivus to all, and *please*, let's get on to next year!
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