All right, whoever you are, nut up: you're guilty. And you *know* it, deep in your depraved, scrimy little heart. But this is the season of redemption, of fresh starts, of FFS-please-let-this-craphole-year-be-over, and it's not at all too late to wipe that filthy slate of yours clean and sparkle into 2021 clean as a whistle! Ergo, here's Yer New Year's Resolutions for the Peloton:
1. Julian Alaphilippe: I will raise my arms in victory *only* after I have actually crossed the line. Even if I'm on a solo breakaway with 10 kilometers of open road behind me. Why? Because no one needs to see the reigning World Champion get punked!
2. Mikel Landa: I will ride the *Giro*. The beautiful, perfect, mountainous *Giro.* And because I have put that idiot time-trialfest Tour de France outta my head, I will *win.*
3. Bahrain-Victorious: We have *one* objective this season, and that is helping Mikel win the *Giro*. Forget that stupid "well-rounded squad" crapola!
4. Peter Sagan: Bora's new green ombre kit is boss. But I will win the green jersey at the Tour and bring it all the way to Paris. Eat my dust, Sam Bennett!
5. Patrick Lefevere: I'll quit Twitter-bullying people who can't defend themselves against my petty, baseless attacks. Instead, I'll pick on people my own size, like toddlers, or grandparents!
6. Lucinda Brand: I will develop a new line of 'cross shoes with built-in portable stilts. Because next year, it would be nice to have my head above the mud when I win at Dendermonde!
7. Euskaltel: Every. Grand. Tour. Dammit. Or we're coming for you jack!@#es in the mountains anyway!
8. EF: I will turn down the volume on the team kit design. To something subtle and classy, like one of Cipollini's naked-guy skinsuits.
9. Chloe Dygert: I will continue to rehab from my awful crash at the World Championships. And I will never, *ever*, say or do another thing on social media. Nope, I mean it--stop right there!
10. Primoz Roglic: next clown who says "Didja know he used to be a ski jumper?" gets it right in the kisser.
11. Chris Froome: next clown who says "Didja know he used to be a pro cyclist?" gets it right in the kisser.
12. Jumbo-Visma: we're gonna *try* not to have all 8 riders pulling on the front for 6 consecutive hours a day for 21 days straight in every Grand Tour this year. I mean, the narcs have gotta get concerned about optics *sometime*, right?
13. UCI: In the spirit of our continued efforts to ease away from the "podium babe" tradition, and to practice safe COVID protocol, riders will no longer receive kisses on the cheek when they get on the podium. Instead, everyone will have to perform the "Humpty Dance."
14. 'Cross races: We will assume that the delicate women's uteruses won't fall out if we ask them to ride a full 50-minute course. And if they *do* fall out, we'll just collect 'em in the pits next to the extra bikes and everyone can claim hers when it's over.
15. Tour de France: we're gonna run a full, three-week women's TdF. Because when Anna van der Breggen glues on a pornstache and sneaks in and rides it anyway, we'll all look like *complete* !@#holes.
16. Quick Step and Astana: heck knows, none of you ever should be subjected to us rapping again. From now on, all promotional videos and team press conferences shall be done in iambic pentameter.
17. Richard Carapaz: from now on, *I'm* gonna be the undisputed team leader at the Grand Tours, right from the start. Back off, G!
18. E-Racing. No more need for us now. Hope to never see y'all again out on the fake road!
Well folks, them's mine, and I hope all our resolvers stick to their pledges and have a successful 2021. In the meantime, pop that Champagne, spiffy up that new team kit, and let's all kick 2020 to the curb!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment