It's Yer What the !$%& Do You Mean It's the Tour de France in August?! Tour in Preview: The Course!

 Look, this year is a freakin' train wreck, and we haven't even made it past the team presentations before Lotto-Whatever came up with a coupla COVID "non-negatives" already.  And the chances this whole show will even it make to Paris before some entirely foreseeable and probably inevitable catastrophe strikes it down halfway through the Alps?  Bupkis.  But just in case it *does*, they've still planned the (revised, but we'll still take it) whole thing out, so let's act like it can happen because we love Mikel Landa and we want we love Andre Greipel to take one more win on the Champs-Elysees and everyone wants to see more pictures of Thibaut Pinot with his goats all over Twitter if he takes a stage so here's yer Course In Preview!

Week 1:  We start off with basically a frantic three-loop crit around Nice before hitting one last biggish climb and descent to a chaotic bunch sprint finale.  Can't be any more !@#$ed up than the rest of 2020, so why not? Stage 2: Mountains already, beeyotches! Though why the Cat 1 climbs are tucked in the first half is beyoooond me.  Cav's not riding, you don't have to blast him out the time cut on the second day, so what gives people?  Next: It's a mostly Cat-3 lumper, which guarantees that everyone on CCC who's looking for a job will be out on the hunt all day, but ends pretty flat so too bad, boys, at least you got 180k in front of the cameras til the sprint squads try to reel you in!  Dang, they're working hard to fluster these guys with these dizzying changes! Anyway, Stage 4's another bumpy ride, but with a 7.1k 1800 meter uphill finish to nip the legs and see how much wheel Quintana's gonna have to suck the next 3 weeks, *again*.  Stage 5? It'll feel like a Year in Provence til the false-flat finish, tailor-made for the Saganator.  Now's the time to pony up, Peter!  Stage 6: Just keep Mikel upright, willya Bahrain, til he can show his form a bit on the Cat-1 Col de la Lusette then chill out the rest of the way!  To cap off the week: kinda lumpy but then mostly flat, if, according to Prudhomme, the crosswinds don't screw over the sprinters.  Always kinda hoping they misjudge the breakaway by about 50 meters on these things for some shocked newcomer to still take it at the line, don't you?

Week 2: Rest da--nope, assuming the whole peloton's not been sent home yet, it's straight on to Stage 8 then! Our first real, true mountain day, with the HC Port de Bales then the fearsome Peyresourde, which *still* isn't gonna win you !@#$ unless you can descend off it to the finish line.  Too bad Nibs isn't riding this! And FFS you better have cleared the crap off the road, race organizers!  Stage 9: 2 Cat 1s and 2 Cat 3s, then mostly downhill with frequent little spikes-o'-pain to Laruns.  Ready for a rest day?  I sure am!  And assuming we make it back from *that*, Stage 10: flat as a pancake, trip through two islands, and *damn*, that's gonna be a lotta wind.  Don't screw this up, Bahrain!  Stage 11: another day, another bunch sprint, and for heck's *sake* everyone, willya hold yer lines for once?  Stage 12: looks like a nice breakaway to me.  Have fun out there, CCC!  As we wind down the second week, Stage 13 brings a fine day for the climbers, so if we haven't got a sense of where the podium contenders are yet, we darn well oughta today! On Stage 14, there's terrain to suit and soul-crush just about everyone til the last 5k in Lyons, if the sprinters haven't keeled over by then.  Bonne chance, big guys!  

Week 3: No rest for the weary just yet: you've got a yuge mountain day to get through, so you better not woof! The Cat 1 Montee' de la Selle de la !@#$ This Hurts, *then* the Cat 1 *dang* this Col's a de la Biche, and, to finish up (or to finish *you*, depending on yer form, the Hors Categories Grand Colombier.  "Grand" if you don't get your !@# dropped, I guess!  Next up: Rest Day 2! Any odds on what, if any, teams'll be left for Stage 16? Well, if there are, all the fun's early on on the Col de la Porte, so namesake, if you're riding, you'll charm us all by taking it!  Stage 17: you pretty much just get to sit there shaking in fear the first 88k, mountain goats, before you grit your teeth for the legendary Col de Madeleine, then some 20% pleasure cruisin' up the Col de la Loze.  !@#dammit, why isn't Euskaltel here again? Anyhoo, Stage 18 is another block o' steep-!@# suffering, with the added bonus that if you suck at going downhill, your entire day of agony's been a waste.  Aw!  Still, we're not done yet, as Stage 19 sorta throws a bone to the sprinters, if any of 'em (1) are left and (2) didn't already go home--totally justifiably, I might add--crying to momma.  And yes, though mercifully calm til the end, Stage 20's the Last Chance Cafe for the GC, either for a redeeming stage win, if you've already cracked like a walnut, or an actual shot at shuffling up the podium if you haven't.  Who doesn't love the Plateau des Belles Filles? We'll find out, I guess!  Finally, it's the reassuring normality of the victory lap around Paris, and my dearest hope for a win for Andre Greipel (shut up! still can too!) on the Champs Elysees.  Wait, *what* month is this?  So if you made it this far, there's been some sorta miracle--now give yourselves a well-earned, extremely socially-distanced rest, the lot of you!

Who's gonna take what?  Frankly, this crazy-!@# year, I got *no* idea, which given my usual prediction success rate, is probably not a bad thing for anyone anyhow.  Anyway, (1) fans, stay the !@#$ outta the way, (2) riders, stay safe out there, (3) you-know-what, stay the !@#$ away, and (4) aupa Mikeeeeeeeeeeeel!    

It's Yer What the !#$% Do You Mean It's the Tour de France In August?! Pre-Tour Roundup

Tour de Where the !@#$ Is My Vuelta Dammit!: Look, this cycling year's been such a colossal !@#show that I couldn't even muster the wherewithal to bitch about Alejandro Valverde the last 5 months.  And between COVID positives, truncated seasons, horrific life-threatening crashes, and hailstorm pummeling that made those poor fragile creatures look like the living embodiment of the red polka-dot jersey, I hardly know where to begin now.  But I *do* know one thing: the Tour de France starts next week, and it's time for us here at racejunkie to get our !@#$ together and get both our loyal readers up to speed.  So what's the deal, before we even get to the course?  This!

1. Froome's out.  To be fair, the guy *did* allegedly have a terrible career-altering crash last year, except of course it was a highly orchestrated Photoshopped Commie plot carried out in perfect harmony by highly trained secret-agent soigneurs, teammates, physicians, nurses, family members, and hospital-room cleaning staff to justify why he was gonna suck in the middle of a totally unforeseen global pandemic-screwed training season an entire year later.  Anyway, Sky's let him go to ICA and told him to !@#$ right off.  At least you know you'll get to go next year, Froomey!

2. Geraint Thomas is out.  How do we know? Why, he announced right on video he's going to the Giro instead, with all the excitement of an 8 year old being forced under threat of serious grounding by his mama to thank Great-Aunt Edna for the thrill-inducing gift of an 8-pack of discount tighty-whities at Christmastime.  Congrats to our early 2020 racejunkie Award winner of the Least Appreciated Tour de France Champ in History, and quit dissing the fabulous Giro, G!

3. Half of Bora's been quarantined for COVID watch after a teammate tested positive, though by this afternoon he's apparently tested negative, so they're hurting, and let's face it, even the mighty Saganator has seemingly had rather a rough time adjusting to his Former Adored Ingenue/Everyone's Still Adored But Perpetually Marked Man status this season.  So maybe his inevitable green jersey in Paris is actually in play for you, Cav!  Oh, wait...

4. Which brings us to Mikel Landa.  Shut up, he can too!  And with a freakin' strong team, including Pello Bilbao, Dylan Teuns, Sonny Colbrelli and Wout Poels who all better accept their support roles !@#dammit, he's in very good company.  At least Carapaz Valverde and Quintana can't all bushwhack you from within your own squad this year! Now riders, keep him upright, and management, don't psych him out by whining about your own GC contender to the press corps!

5. Arkea, which had Nairo cannily pulling out of the Dauphine early with a tweaked knee that totally coincidentally leaves his rivals with no clue whatsoever as to his current form, has a *bangin'* squad for the mountains.  Baby brother, and very fine climber in his own right, Dayer. Warren Barguil. Winner Anacona. If Nairo falters, he's not only got plenty of help to carry him, but the team has serious stage contenders to boot.  Shut up, Mikel can too!

6. Yes, on paper it's the team to beat.  But with Bernal, Carapaz, and Kwiato all viable top-of-the-podium contenders, Skineos, with any luck, is !@#$ed. If it doesn't decide which arm of the trident's in charge on the road in the first coupla stages, it's gonna eat its own young. Ask Landa how it went with his lieutenant the first second he showed any sign of weakness, Egan!

7. Lotto-Jumbo. *Damn*! Rogla--though he looks sadly unlikely with last-minute injuries. Time-trialist-inexplicably-turned-mountain-goat/former Giro champ Tom Dumoulin, who seems frankly much happier this season. Van Aert, Martin, Gesink, Kuss.  *Damn*--and watch out the rest of you!

8. Yap, that annoying Wolfpack crap, yap.  But come on--aside from Landa who I hope of course without any malice in my heart whatsoever crushes him, wouldn't you *love* to Alaphilippe win?  Hmmm...him, Tibo, Bardet...gosh, there's a lot of French guys to root for this year!

9. CCC is in tatters, with the team having given riders its blessing to search for other gigs and riders either having already bailed to safer ground for next season, or desperately trying to. At least the breakaways oughta be interesting!  And soigneurs, the unsung heroes of cycling--if ever you needed to showcase your stellar off-camera rider-caretaking and on-camera musette-passing skills to the two teams who are gonna be left after this miserable season, now's the time.  Honestly, good luck to the hardest-works folks in show biz!

10. Yeah, it's a pandemic and the season is truncated. Where the !@#$ is Euskaltel?! On the plus side, between Landa, Pello, the Izagirres, and powerhouse ever-underestimated stealth GT stage winner Mikel Nieve, our wee Carrots are otherwise well-represented.  Aupaaaaaaaaaaaa!

11. We love Andre Greipel's going.  Yay!  You still got one more Champs-Elysees in you, big guy!

12. What the hell do you mean Michael Woods isn't going to the Tour de France?

13. The fans.  There was *just* another incident in which an oblivious selfie-taking fanboy nearly damn killed a rider as the peloton passed.  Back the !@#$ up! And as long as you're all supposed to be covering up with masks anyway, could the more...free-form among you cameras hoes more completely tuck your flopping works into your neon banana-hammocks as you run alongside the riders this year?

14. La Course.  Yeah, it's a pandemic and the season is truncated, so women's cycling is even more !@#$ed than usual.  But FFS, can we give the most brilliant peloton in ages the accolades, and full Tour de France, they so obviously deserve?

15. Last but not least: COVID.  Everyone's completely justifiably afraid everyone's gonna give it, and/or get it. The carefully-constructed rider bubbles have proven, despite all parties' sincerest best efforts, penetrable.  The traveling circus that is the Tour passes through a million different towns with a million different staff, riders, journalists, and both local and traveling fans all cramming into the same limited hotels with the same limited restaurants, whose own staff are also at risk from the onslaught.  The fans, inconceivably, are *still* being observed reaching out to the touch the riders as they pass.  The rule: two team positives and you're out.  Please, please, please, be safe out there everyone, and here's hoping that whoever gets hit, doesn't get hit hard.  Does anyone really think the whole show can make it to Paris?

Welp, there's yer random roundup.  And yes, as usual, I've paid short shrift to the sprinters.  Next, we'll tackle the course.  Let's just hope the riders get to do it, too!