Yes, it's that heartwarming, giving time of year, when we all throw parties, send cards, give each other carefully chosen gifts, and give ourselves severe acid reflux when we view our January credit card bills. So in this season of love and generosity towards our fellows, what do we wish for our beloved members o' the peloton (and beyond) in the glorious world o' cycling this year? This!
1. EF Education First: a top-flight pair of Oakley sunglasses for everyone. 'Cause either they *were* trippin' when they designed that psychedelic 2020 kit, or they're gonna *be* trippin' when they're wearin' it!
2. Andre Greipel: one last (or heck, several last!) Grand Tour sprint victories. You give those whippersnappers what-for, Andre--we know you you've still got it in you, ya big lug!
3. Rohan Dennis: a spankin' new, perfectly fitted Team Skineos bike and time trial skinsuit. OR ELSE HE'S GONNA BLOW A GASKET MID-RACE AND DISGRACE THE WHOLE TEAM (LIKE THAT CAN GET ANY WORSE), YOU HEAR ME BRAILSFORD?
4. Team Sky: if the latest (and ickiest) British Cycling testimony is gonna be believed, a case of empty Coke cans to fill with clean urine to outwit the narcs, and a bucketload o' Viagra tablets. Not that those big studs need 'em or nothin'!
5. Mikel Landa: a break. The kid needs a freakin' break. What *is* this !@#$ with Poels or whoever yammering on about pursuing his own chances at the Tour. Get that twerp in *line*, Bahrain, and give Mikel some unqualified leadership for once! Wait...isn't this basically what I wish for Mikel *every* year?
6. Alejandro Valverde: an Olympic gold medal, and the 2020 men's world road championship. Because I basically have no soul. You go, Bala--heck knows time won't stop you!
7. Lucy Kennedy: Stage 3, Giro Rosa. An exhausted Kennedy raises her arms in victory--but just a moment too soon, as the indefatigable Marianne Vos speeds up and *just* pips her at the line. Lesson learned--now you're ready Lucy, so take that GT victory in 2020 you've so hard-earned!
8. Matthew van der Poel: To see the press-hype--and his actual palmares--this kid's the second coming of Peter Sagan. Honestly, besides maybe a camera-friendly wheelie trick, what the hell *else* could he possibly need?
9. Bella Italia: A World Tour team. I mean, this is *Italy*, home of Coppi, Bartali, Pantani, Simoni, Bronzini, Petacchi--for over 100 years, the perfect and beautiful Giro. Seriously, WTF?
10. Amgen: Bring back the EPO Tour of California! Where *else* do you get a fun, exciting stage race primarily sponsored by a popular PED? The "Hal's Illicit Blood Bags" Tour of California just doesn't have the same ring to it...
11. Tejay Van Garderen: look, everybody loves Tejay. How 'bout a nice big fat solo GT stage win to shut the doubters on this guy?
12. Sam Bennett: some !@#damn credit. A guy with his huge pile of wins this season, and he can hardly get a contract for 2020? I call bull!@#$!
13. The Climbers: great legs. 'Cause with Euskadi back at full World Tour status, their poor rivals are gonna need 'em!
14. Primoz Roglic: He can have second at the Tour, after Mikel. And next person who mentions his prior sporting career, Rogla gets to kick in the nuts!
15. Toms Skujins: Baked potatoes. Mashed potatoes. Scalloped potatoes. Fried potatoes. Hash-browned potatoes. Au gratin potatoes. Sweet potatoes. Latkes. All hail the King of the Perfect Carb!
16. The Wolfpack: a new nickname, 'cause let's face it, right now no-one can take another second of this self-promoting !@#$. "Basket o' kittens", maybe? "Six-pack o' Brewskis?" Naw, doesn't sound tough enough...
And finally, My Beloved Reader(s): may your cycling days be filled with warmth and sunshine--or, if you're Belgian, miserable, freezing rain and mud. May the cobbles not flatten your tires, may your chain never break, and may your stem never spontaneously shatter. May your bidons be full, your power gels delicious, and your apres-ride beer be crisp and cold. So kick back, enjoy your presents, and on to (holy crap!) 2020!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
4 comments:
Hey Racejunkie,
Would you be all bent out of shape if I bought you a peloton stationary bike? Some women I know would not only appreciate a peloton, they would smash you up the climbs and in the sprints too. What is your honest opinion as a woman cyclist? If I gave you a peloton would that make me a body shaming misogynistic anal process?
Hey Velo, depends on why you gave it to me. If it was because I had personally said to you, "y'know, there's nothing I'd like more than to have some steroid-stuffed fitness-model boot-camp sergeant scream at me that I'm not pushing hard enough if I'm not actually projectile vomiting at that moment," something I can never in this or any other parallel universe's lifetime imagine, I'd be delighted at your thoughtfulness. If you gave to me to passive-aggressively avoid saying "I am leaving this !@#damn house forever if you do not stop binge-watching The Great British Baking Show so get your lazy !@# off the couch," I'd use it as a $5,000 whiskey sour coaster and tell you exactly where you could stick your work stand. Each to her own!
Hmmm...you lost me at "steroid stuffed." You don't buy a stationary bike to win the female version of the Tour de France. Vomit projectiles or not. If I wanted to be Conconi I would whip your ass up the col with leg breaking intervals, jam a syringe in your ass, then encourage you to join team Sky. "The cleanest team in cycling." Then you could stomp Froome into the ground with 60% hematocrit, and we will all call you Ms. 60% until you die of myocardial infarction. Or until USADA bans you for life. Until then I would be counting my money with a smile like some old perverted pimp. Forget the peloton stationary. I changed my mind. Damn this PC bull culture. Makes you do crazy things.
Anyway I get the point. You don't buy exercise equipment for your wife/girlfriend/significant other without prior consultation. Or you are asking for trouble. Thanks for your feedback!
Post a Comment