It's Yer New Year's Resolutions for the Peloton!

Look, we all know what you did in 2019.  And frankly, you oughta be ashamed of yourselves. So how better to start 2020 off with a clean slate than with a firm step forward and a strict dedication to our New Year's Resolutions? Well, for those of you too weak to make--or stick to--yer own, never fear--racejunkie's got you covered!

UCI: We are gonna wave our iPads *so hard* over some guys' bike frames you'll *know* we're gonna find any hidden motor out there.  Even if we're really looking at funny cat memes.  Hey--that one's playing the piano!

Mikel Landa: I will stop at nothing--no rival, no teammate (got that Poels?), no !@#$wit backstabbing team manager--to win the Tour de France. Tho of course I shoulda listened to racejunkie and taken a Giro or Vuelta first!

Philippe Gilbert: If I hear one more !@#$in' word about that !@#$in' Wolfpack I am going straight up Warren Zevon on their !@#es. Seriously, you fired *me*?  Paris-Roubaix 2020, beeyotches!

Eusebio Unzue: Alejandro, I want you to absolutely kick Mikel Landa in the nu--oh wait, I got rid of that kid already! Um...Edu Prades maybe?

Egan Bernal: I'm 100% all-in for the Tour de Fra--ow, !@#$, Froomey, get that flailing arachnid elbow of yours outta my eye!

Chris Froome: I'm going 100% all-in for Tour de France number fi--ow, !@#$, Egan, quit biting at my damn ankles already!

Tour de France Organizers: a full-on, three week women's Tour de France.  Ha ha--in your dreams--'cause it certainly ain't in ours!

Elisa Longo Borghini: Mine.  The Giro Donne is *mine*. You hear me Vos Van Vleuten and van der Breggen?

Peter Sagan: I am going to reclaim my rightful place as King of the Peloton.  Wait--did that !@#$er Van der Poel just pass me again?

The Giro: I will never, ever again put in some stupid surfeit of flat stages and egregious number of time trial kilometers to seduce lesser riders with bigger names to this beautiful race.  What is this, the !@#$in' Tour?

Lucy Kennedy: I will not, *not* raise my arms in victory until I'm *sure* I've stuck a bike pump in the spokes of the woman behind me first.  Winning!

Matthew Van der Poel: let's see, I've already conquered cross...road? no, got that...unicycle? too easy...tricycle races? bagged those...

Julian Alaphilippe: I will prove that I *am* in fact French cycling's Next Great Hope to win the Tour de France.  And this time, I *mean* it--Fleche Wallone, my !@#!

Every Freakin' Idiot Fan on the Planet: I will not flood the racecourse, let my giant lumbering mastiff out for a stroll right in front of the peloton, try to take a selfie with Sagan in the last 50 meters of a sprint, or throw water, beer, or any disgusting bodily fluids onto an innocent rider.  But asking me to keep my bouncing beer gut and precariously slipping Speedo outta yer face while I'm running beside you screaming with the cameras on me in all my doughy glory--now *that*'s just a bridge too far!

Well kids, time to kick 2019 off to the roadside.  Let's raise a glass to a great 2020 season--and keep those resolutions dammit!