All right, we got the course down--on to the general classification contenders! Let's see...there's Chris Froo--naw...Tom Dumou--aw, dammit! So now no matter who wins, it'll be a big pile of "what ifs" from the fans and journalists in Snarkville, and someone'll be bitching about their lack of respect in every interview for the rest of their life. So who's that gonna be? Let's take a look at these guys!
Egan Bernal and Geraint Thomas: Alberto Contador sez Egan's the frontrunner this year, and hell, who would know better? Even Geraint "Jaysus Ineos I'm the defending Tour champion for chrissake!" Thomas has effectively conceded defeat, and admirably chosen to take the high road, instead of smacking that little twerp back to windbreaker duties where he would normally belong. Still, the Tour is gonna be nothing this year if not full of surprises. Will Bernal keep up the team's clearly bull!@#$ pretense of equal status, or stamp any doubt out on the road at the first speedbump? Will G help him or hurt him--or worse, just drift backwards like dandelion fluff, and make no difference at all? Only the tarmac--and Dave Brailsford--will decide. Til then, clutch that crown while you still can, Geraint!
Warren Barguil or Thibaut Pinot: oh, please. They'll give a great run for yer money on the mountains classification. And newly-crowned French road champ Barguil is now the subject of a truly orgasmic French-press (ooo, coffee!) feeding frenzy. Problem: neither of 'em have got the team. Still, I expect some serious stage fireworks outta these boys, and a high enough GC placement to keep the press hounds howling. Prove me wrong, boys--no pressure, but the decades-wounded pride of a nation rests on your tiny shoulders!
Marianne Vo--!@#$ YOU ASO, WHERE IS THE WOMEN'S TOUR DE FRANCE ALREADY? And don't tell me some !@#$ty sprint while the !@#damn street cleaners are still out on the course sweeping up cigarette butts ahead of the men's race counts! !@#DAMMIT!
Jakob Fuglsang: just...what? What? Yeah, I like him too. But eyes on the ball, people!
Nairo Quintana: How many wheels would a wheelsucker suck if a wheelsucker could suck wheels? Well, he's bound to run out of 'em anyway, particularly if Valverde and/or Landa get annoyed enough hauling his uninspiring !#$ up the Tourmalet. If that happens, even *if* Unzue's darling's on form to attack, he's downright screwed. Good luck out there though--and I hope you didn't read what Greg Lemond had to say this morning!
Mikel Landa: Shut up! Can so either! I *know* Movistar won't let him off the leash, what with their bizarre deference to Quintana, and master tactician/recently-terrifying stick-figure Alejandro Valverde just having bagged the Spanish national road championship, the Hour Record, the Hell of the North, Eurovision, a $240 million euro contract with Barcelona, the Westminster Dog Show Best in Breed/Whippets, and the Girl Scout Troop 675 Badge for Most Cookie Sales Lifetime Achievement Award. So since you're outta there next year anyway, Mikel, why not tell Unzue to !@#$ off and make your *own* chances? I mean, remember how well you worked with Alberto that time? Now *stay* outta trouble, *don't* let Valverde get close enough to shove a bidon in your chain, and *use* those painful Pyrenees to set yerself up nice for the Alps!
Alejandro Valverde: I. Can't. Even. Except he probably can. !@#$, why not just bring Lance back to win the whole thing?
Vincenzo Nibali: boy, is he *pissed* about not winning the Giro. That said, he wrecked himself enough to make it unlikely he'll be the top man on the podium come Paris. Famous last words--this prediction'll probably end up like the opening skinnydipper scene in Jaws. Please don't hurt me for doubting you Nibs!
The Yateses: I can't remember which one was popped for doping, and which one won the Vuelta last year. I *do* remember that one of 'em said back in May that the other GC contenders for the Giro oughta be "!@#$ting their pants" in fear of him, to an excruciatingly embarrassing anticlimax. But put one seriously bruised ego and two bros together, and at least one of 'em's likely to place respectably on GC, if perhaps more likely to just bag a couple of stage wins. Wait, which of you guys is your team backing?
Enric Mas and Richie Porte: aw, lay *off* these fine riders already!
Anyhoo, you all know who *I'm* rooting for, so place yer bets accordingly against me and you'll all be damn millionaires. For heck's sake, he just needs Unzue not to !@#$ him over for *one* day! Next up: the Sprinters, the Roleurs, and the Climbeurs!
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