Monday, March 21, 2016

My Fantasy Volta a Catalunya--uh, Milano-San Remo Press Conference

Volta a Catalunya Race Organizer: Good morning. I am proud to welcome you to today's press conference for the Volta a Catalunya, where for the first time this season, our honored guests and premiere Tour de France contenders Alberto Contador, Nairo Quintana, and Chris Froo--hey!

Matteo Tossato (seizing microphone): well, *we're* here today to call out that punk b!@#$ Arnaud Demare for cheating his way to a win at Milano-San Remo, which an Italian should've won anyway, by getting a giant tow from his team car. I saw him do it with my own eyes--just ask my team doctor, he was hanging out of *our* car taking 15 minutes to adjust a Band-Aid on a boo-boo on my finger!

Eros Capecchi: !@#damn straight Matteo, I saw it too--I was holding ont--uh, getting a bottle from *my* team car the whole way up the Cipressa!

Nacer Bouhanni (butting in): As you can tell from my Catalunya win today, *I* would've *totally* wo--(mic goes dead) MERDE! (slams mic on table, smashing it into a million pieces, stomps off) Where the hell is that audio-visual guy, I'll rip your !@#$ing head off you mother!@#$er!

Michael "Bling" Matthews: Oh, screw you you big cry-baby, I almost took it and I bled 5 liters of blood right on my freakin' handlebars!

Fabian Cancellara and Peter Sagan: Wait a minute, if that amateur clown Gaviria hadn't gone down right in front of us for no reason, (Peter) the race would've been (Fabian) Peter would *so* have come in second!

Matteo: Hold on, you guys are completely missing the point here...

Capecchi: Yeah, if you didn't do it Demare, post your damn data, cheater! (Tossato whispers in ear) Well then, post some damn data we can complain about!

Chris Froome: C'mon, mates, can we just (Cancellara huffs, puffs, and blows Froome through wall of press conference)

Arnaud Demare (prancing about with trophy): I got the trophy, I got the trophy! Nyeah, nyeah! Suck that Eros and Matteo you sore losers!

Alberto Contador: That's it, I'm outta here! (walks off)

Race Organizer: Well, thank you all for joining us. Come back tomorrow, and we'll try it again!

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