Thursday, May 14, 2015

Can I Do *This*?: A !#$%in' Idiot's Q&A Guide to Cycling Spectating #giro

I get it. The passion, the adrenalin, the reckless jockeying for position among a huge sea of frantic fans, the beauty and excitement of a sport that literally lets you so close to the players that you can touch them. But people are getting *seriously* hurt now, by us, and it's time, for those of us too stupid to do it for ourselves, to lay down some ground rules so everyone stays safe. Ergo, Yer Racejunkie Can I Do *This*? !@#$in' Idiots' Q&A Guide to Cycling Spectating (and y'know, I mean it!):

Q: Can I take photos of the riders at the start or end of a race?
A: Yes.

Q: Can I take photos of the riders as they go by during the race?
A: Yes.

Q: Can I take photos of the riders as they go by during the race by sticking my camera out into the course?
A: No, !@#$head. What're you trying to do, kill 'em?

Q: How about with a selfie stick?
A: *NO*, dumb!@#!

Q: Can I bring my dog with me?
A: Sure. An animal genetically predisposed to chase down any prey that passes it at high speed, what could go wrong?

Q: Can I let the dog off-leash when the race is coming?
A: No.

Q: But he's a really good dog.
A: What did I just *say*, for Chrissakes?

Q: Can a bring my baby?
A: Yes.

Q: Wouldn't it be cool if she took her first steps during a Grand Tour? I don't think anyone's coming yet.
A: No.

Q: Can I bring my toddler?
A: Sure. Does he *like* sitting around doing nothing for 6 hours in icy wind for a payoff of 30 seconds of intense, fleeting activity?

Q: Well, he gets fussy. Can I let him run around a little to burn some energy off?
A: No.

Q: Like when the peloton is coming?
A: For !@#$'s sake, NO!

Q: This text is really important. Do I have to look up from my phone when crossing the road?
A: Yes. Are you texting your lawyer about how much you're gonna owe a rider like Sagan in lost earnings if you take him out?

Q: Can I run along next to the leader in a funny outfit screaming at the top of my lungs?
A: If you must. But if you're not Didi "the Devil" Senft, everyone'll just think you're a !@#$.

Q: Can I touch the rider while he's riding?
A: No. He might get relegated, or slug you.

Q: What if he seems to *want* a little push?
A: Not in front of the cameras, eejit!

Q: Can I throw beer on the rider?
A: Do you remember what happened the last time you tried that with some random stranger in a bar?

Q: How about waving a flag?
A: Only if it does not interfere with the rider's (1) vision (2) wheel or (3) line. Keep it *back*, the poor sap you're waving it at probably isn't even *from* there!

Q: Can I whang one of those hard flappy promotional plastic thingies against the barriers?
A: Yes.

Q: Can I whang one of those hard flappy promotional plastic thingies *over* the barriers?
A: Can Oleg Tinkov whang an actual barrier over your head without you bitching about it?

See? It's *so* easy to enjoy a bike race without harming yourself, or, more importantly, the riders. Now pound back that beer, yell yer heads off, and stay the hell outta the *way* before they bar us *all* from the course, you ninnies!

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