Sunday, December 28, 2014

It's Yer 2015 New Year's Resolutions for the Peloton!

Yes, the debauchery is over, the hangovers have passed, and now it's time for all the good--and not so good--folks o' the peloton to vow to improve their filthy, sinning selves for next year. And to give them just the help they need, we here at racejunkie have done it for them--it's yer 2015 New Year Resolutions for the Peloton!

1. Alberto Contador: I will do the Giro/Tour/Vuelta triple. And win it.

2. Oleg Tinkov: Alberto will do the Giro/Tour/Vuelta triple. And win it. Or I will squish him like an ant.

3. Alexander Vinokourov: I vow to get 5 more doping pozes on my squad this year. They'll probably give me a *two* year WorldTour license for that!

4. Mark Cavendish: I will knock that preening Eurotrash Kittel down off his pedestal. That, or I'll shave his head in his sleep, the showy bastard!

5. Peter Sagan: I will win a major Belgian Classic. And if not, I will distract the crowd with some obscure gesturing movie reference or pop a wheelie over Quintana's head.

6. Purito Rodriguez: I will podium at the Giro, Tour, or Vuelta. Because racejunkie will be heartbroken if I don't.

7. Nairo Quintana. I promise to share team leadership with Alejandro Valverde at the Tour de France this year. Ha ha, fake-out!

8. Marianne Vos: I vow to kick back with a nice bowl of popcorn and a cold one and watch a "Downton Abbey" marathon. How the hell else is anyone besides me gonna win a race next season?

9. Tom Boonen: Paris-Roubaix. Sixth time's the charm, baby!

10. Jens Voigt: I'll get my DS license. And start a new clothing line. And set the hour record again. And set the day record. And set the year record. And I'll ride alongside the guys at the Tour of California the whole way just for fun. And start my own coffee bar. And build a high-end bicycle line out of toothpicks. And wear the Alps down to nubs just riding up and down 'em for no reason. And...

11. Brad Wiggins: I will--no, I guess I really won't do anything this year either!

12. UCI: we will put up 8 jillion dollars of our own cash to re-fund and re-start we still miss Euskaltel-Euskadi. Oh Euskaltel!

13. Giro d'Italia Organizers: we will move the Stelvio stage to mid-January this year, and replace the riders' and teams' race radios with strings strung between empty soup cans. *That* oughta !@#$ those guys over!

14. Alejandro Valverde: I'll carry lots of sterile gauze around. 'Cause god knows I'll need something to plug the holes I'll have from the narcs pricking me to find out why I'm riding like such a freak again this year!

15. Michal Kwiatkowski: I'll break the curse of the rainbow jersey and win a race this year. No, I mean it, I will! Whaddaya mean, "who?"

16. Samuel Sanchez: I will make BMC pay for what they have done to me. Aw, no I won't, I'm too nice. Darn it!

17. Tour de France: We will not have a single doping positive this year, again. UCI has seen to that!

18. Brian Cookson: I will support a minimum wage for the female riders. Like, 5 euros an hour oughta cover the cost of their manicures and hair-salon appointments, right?

Well, as you can see, the sport's all officially cleaned up nice for next year. On to 2015, and remember kids, we'll be watching, so keep yer promises you layabouts!

1 comment:

Rosemary said...

Oh Purito, I will be heartbroken too!