I Get High With A Little Help From My Friends, With A Little Help From My Frieeeeeeeeee-eeeends!

Oops, I Mean, I Get *By* With a Little Help From My Friends: yes, on the eve of his CAS appeal, none other than patron saint of drug-snorting livestock Alberto Contador has called for "more rider involvement" in doping regulations, and before you nasty-minded cynics naysay the whole idea, I, for one, think it would be a great service to the sport if Lance, Floyd, Vino, and--well, you get the idea--all formed one big Roman-orgy love-in of a cyclist executive committee to put together some standards everyone with (allegedly!) ungodly amounts of dough and unscrupulous connections can live with (and win with) and set the whole thing straight from here on out. !@#$, if UCI can't keep its microdosing minions from unfortunate errors and unpleasant publicity, who better than expert riders to set some realistic goals? You go, Alberto--and the rest of you, he can wave to from the window of the team car as he gets chauffeured back to his hotel past you suckers still slogging up the road in the "autobus" towards the finish line!

Hang 'Em High: of course, in the same article, UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid's got a different take on the whole situation, saying that the national cycling feds oughta be banned outright so riders he's pissed off at that week can avoid that pesky due process and head straight to an international kangaroo court instead, which, while certainly likely to cut down on the nationalist fervor of antidoping ministers with a more, well, cutting-edge view of sports medicine as regards their own athletes, seems really unfair to extremely vigilant countries like, say, Spain. Damn, is there any option here for noble riders and faithful fans that *doesn't* suck?

A Gentle Plea for Reason: and, before we leave this topic for today, may I also point out a reason that, as November approaches, the fine folks at CAS might want to give our pretty little Contador a walk? Yes, yes, our charming boy is pure as snow, and surely, that counts for something--but more important, am I the *only* person who'd rather listen to a thousand rabid in-heat wolverines screeching for all eternity than hear Andy Schleck bitching about Contador (because let's face it, there's pretty much nothing bad one can say about Cadel) for the *next* two !@#damn years? Yeah, didn't think so--I rest my case, free Contador!

Give 'Em Hell, Cadel!: finally, speaking of whom, defending Tour de France champion Cadel Evans has spit out his plans for 2012, and while it's certainly a darn shame he won't be gracing the Tour Down Under, I *would* like to suggest that, while I've never been a big fan of human-machine hybrids (Fabian Cancellara naturally excepted), given the ringing endorsement recently given Cadel by none other than Big Mig himself, if there's ever been a case for, say, surgically implanting an outlet in your !@# and plugging in a giant neon sign blaring "MIGUEL INDURAIN JUST CALLED ME 'RIDER OF THE YEAR'", *that* compliment is it. Oh, come on Cadel--it'd still be sorta aero stuck onto yer time trial skinsuit, don't you think?