Wednesday, January 12, 2011

You Do It! No, *You* Do It! No, YOU Do It!

How Do You Say "Weasel" In Spanish, Again?: yes, in an exceedingly early win for the Master Evasion Move of 2011 Award, as the Spaniards invite WADA and UCI to essentially rule on Contador first to head off being kicked, stomped, thwapped, beaten and set on fire by outraged Spanish tifosi should they actually be forced to dope-ban a national icon, and UCI huffs hysterically that they can't do anything on "procedural grounds" to avoid being forced to dope-ban a photogenic international cash-cow, all parties have now managed to punt this hot little potato by Pat "Dick" McQuaid's claiming the thing's suddenly so damn complex they don't know *when* there's gonna be a ruling and, as a result--oops!--poor little Alberto may not be at the Tour by--not by any of our actions, you understand--mere default. Nice try, you spineless wussmeisters--if the Second Coming goes down, everyone's still gonna blame you anyway! Ah, I *love* the smell of napal--um, hypocrisy in the morning!

It's the 2011 Vuelta a Espana, Baby!: in far more important news, of course, the route for the 2011 Vuelta has been announced, and if you can't climb like a monkey, honey, you might as well stay home and cry like Mark Cavendish after a, well, win. Even better, the race is taking us into the Basque country, which means that screaming orange-and-black clad fans will be there to whack Nibali off his--that is, vociferously encourage we love Igor Anton and Samu Sanchez onto their inevitable and cleanly-earned podium perches. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllll!

Dirty Deeds and They're Done Dirt Cheap: over in the Italian peloton, meantime, odious bottom-dweller Riccardo Ricco' is claiming that it's possible to win the perfect Giro without cheating--which it possibly is, except for him--and Danilo "Il Killer" DiLuca, who recently redeemed himself by smashingly calling in an actual priest and confessing his sins to a room full of actual schoolchildren, has scored a possibly-free gig with Team Katusha, who are still apparently a bit iffy on risking a Giro invite over 'im but will allow him to desecrate the holy Vuelta instead. Oh yeah, forget that weak, old-school "kissing babies" Ivan Basso crap--call in the exorcists and first guy whose head spins around projectile vomiting while tied to a bedstead gets forgiveness for Satan's unwanted actions and a spectacular Grant Tour return! Look, here's poor sweet Danilo just last week:

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