Blondes Have More Fun (At Least With Clenbuterol)

Blinded By the Light: yep, good news for the fairer members of the peloton: according to the head of a WADA-accredited lab in Germany, cycling's go-to snarf-o'-the-moment Clenbuterol is 20 times more detectable in brunette hair samples than in blond ones. Contador, if you got snipped, there's your basis for appeal--you've been framed, framed by your own hypersensitive hairdo, I say! Me, I'm thinkin' that there's gonna be a surfeit of Goldilocked riders just flocking to their nearest asthma-drug dealership for a truckload of the near-undetectable good stuff. Don't even think about it, Ricco' you little weasel--we're already *watchin'* you!

Law and Order: speaking of poor Alberto, rumors are a-swirlin' that, as the Spanish cycling fed tries desperately to strike that delicate balance between "totally gutless" and "just baaaaaaaaaaarely passin' the smell test", our boy is gonna get a 1-year ban as soon as Thursday, which effectively means that, as both sides inevitably appeal--and whether Contador actually doped or not--he's gonna be slumped over in his Laz-y-Boy serial-drinkin' Bud Light and suckin' down nachos in front of the TV come July. Bjarne Riis, of course, is taking it well,while, in an excess of caution, and out of due respect to the cycling prowess of his pal, Andy Schleck has reportedly been training extra-hard in case Contador does show up to try to steal his Tour de France: Good luck, Alberto--and I still do hope it ain't so!

Yer Nut-Kneeing Heartbreak o' the Week: no, not Cav denting that handsome face--though it's close--but am I the only one howling like a milkbone-deprived Basset hound whenever I read a perfectly nice Tweet from Robbie McEwen thanking his--aiiiiggghhhhhh!--RadioSkank teammates for a job well done? Aiiiiggghhhhhh! Oh, Robbie, how I miss those happy, lighthearted days of yore when you threatened to "fill [Armstrong's] face with [your] fist..."