January: Riccardo Ricco' an early win for coveted !@#hole of the Year Award for running screaming from loyal baby mama Vania Rossi the second she tests poz for dope; Floyd Landis back in action at Tour o' Bahamas; wheel-suck this, buddy!--new world champ Cadel Evans actually attacks at Tour Down Under!; Cav calls Ricco' a 'parasite'; Lance accuses Contador of having an ego. Ah, the sweet taste of hypocrisy!
February: deluded reader begs for more Lance coverage in Velonews; Rock Racing denied Continental license, some silly problem with "every goddamn person on your team's a cheat"; French issue arrest warrant for Landis; Tommeke rocks back at Qatar; Freire dazzles; Petacchi knocked off bike in final seconds o' sprint by camera-wielding tifosi nimrod. Y'know, Ale-Jet's a pretty big guy--run, you fool!
March: Armstrong afraid Contador'll kick his !@# in Jul--I mean, sez cycling no longer top priority; Jens of course back on winning form after devastating Tour 2009 crash-out; Alejandro "Bloodbag" Valverde's ban upheld; RadioSkank dissed by Giro; rumors swirl that Frank'n'Andy Schleck will be starting own team in 2011--yeah, right!
April: BFFs Cav and Greipel trade insults; Samu' whales at Pais Vasco; Lampre takes Gibo back to Giro; RadioSkank's Fuyu Li tests poz *before* he leaves Lance's squad; Boonen's compatriots too lame to chase, Cancellara storms Roubaix. But WTF with that Cavesque-ian double-chest-point?
May: some total !@#$wad schedules Amgen EPO Tour of California during the Giro; Cadel takes epic stage on the strade bianche; Pellizotti busted for bio passport, Ivan Basso again pretty in pink; Floyd Landis confesses to massive fraud; Cancellara accused of bike doping. As if an engine could beat *his* legs!
June: it's the road to the Tour, baby! Contador keeps an eye on Vinokourov; RadioSkank chooses "pure slaves" for Armstrong; UCI doesn't want the French to find any dopers; Jeannie Longo only French rider who doesn't suck for 25th year in a row; we love dear little Sastre in pain, Cervelo' don't give rat's !@#; Ivan Basso's hot sister get deferred sentence for dealing dope to cyclists, women's prison inmates eagerly await probation violation. Keep dreamin', you predators!
July: what else?! Lance blows; Tyler shows his class; moto-crash oil slick takes out 3/4 of peloton, Leipheimer just glad he's alive; Andy Schleck drops chain, Contador takes off, pair later arrested for public indecency after too-lurid make-up on Champs-Elysees; photog whacks Robbie McEwen off bike, seeks asylum from raving one-man pocket hit squad; Jens Voigt is a god. On to the Vuelta!
August: it's the Vuelta a Espana, baby! yeah, it's a !@#damn bike race, it's been on for like 100 years, you clowns!; Alberto Contador flirts with SaxoBank; Cancellara looks elsewhere; totally-innocent-dammit Levi Leipheimer accused of blood doping during 2005 Tour by scum-sucking slime-weasel from Gerolsteiner; UCI ignores uncomfortable bio-passport results. Shocker!
September: Euskaltel's Igor Anton crashes out of Vuelta and near-certain win, racejunkie bawls like toddler; Bjarne kicks Andy and Stuey out of race in bitter snit, screwing Frank; Vincenzo Nibali snags the overall, teammate Ivan Basso plots downfa--um, proclaims total happiness; oh no you didn't--Contatwerp positive for Clenbuterol in 2010 Tour!
October: Holy crap we love Thor Hushovd is the new world road champion!; Jens follows Schlecks to new squad, remains a god; paranoid conspiracy theorists at Liquigas sue Italian prosecutor for generally suggesting dopers, y'know, dope; Cav snivels, *again*; 2006 Tour de France winner Oscar "I Did So Win It, Dagnabit!" Pereiro bids farewell; Contador blames asthmatic cow for poz, sez he'll quit sport if one more freakin' person laughs at him for sayin' that. Did I mention cows heart medical-grade plastic tubing residue?
November: WADA rips UCI for weak controls at Tour; Popovych haunted by narcs; Novitzsky aims at Armstrong; Pope cracks down on doping; Contador finds tainted meat receipt, beaten and left for dead in dark alley by outraged Spanish agriculture federation. Hey, it's *still* not as stupid as Bjorn Leukemanns' "I Was Busy Doing the Nasty" defense!
December: FDJ miss out on ProTour license, like anyone's gonna notice next year; Cancellara finally confirms with Team Schleck; UCI threatens to appeal unsatisfactory ruling on Contador. What, "unsatisfactory" like he's prosecuted, you enabler wussbags?
Sure, December ain't over yet, and we can all imagine there'll be at least one more unbearable tidbit about (1) Contador or (2) Armstrong--but really, who even *wants* to talk about that crap? A fond adieu to 2010, and on to 2011!
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