Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Boulevard of Broken Dreams (and Bodies)

Noooooooooooooo!: okay, it was inevitable. But I still think it phenomenally blows that we love Levi Leipheimer has inked a two-year deal to be Lance Armstrong's trod-upon serf over at team Radioskank. Even worse, Levi seems to be under the complete delusion that Lance's gonna let him all-out for his very own Tour de France win. Um, not to jam a pin into the happy shiny helium balloon here, but am I the only one who heard Lance say he's going to the Tour next year to really, really, really win it? Sure, he blew it this time by underestimating the defiance of kid Contador, but he ain't gonna do that again. Oh well, if by "go for the Tour" you mean "go fetch Lance another Power Bar from the team car," I suppose you're right on target! Oh, poor Levi...and don't even get me *thinkin'* about Andreas "First Ullrich, Then Contador, Now This !@#!@#$?!" Kloden....

Little Shop of Horrors: what a total freakin' slaughterhouse disaster my beloved Vuelta's decision to go into Belgium has been, as the Glassy Roads o' Bone-Crushing Agony take out half the peloton, including, heinously, hardest-working-man-in-show-business Chris Horner, who deserved, after an already injury-wrecked season followed by his flat-out offensive omission from the Tour de France, a hell of a lot better than this lame crashout. I mean, not to suggest that I believe in divine punishment for something he didn't (much less even did) do, but *no-one* else had worse karma coming to 'em yesterday?

Burnin' Down the House: speaking of crashes, Jakob Fuglsang's freak careen into the back of an oil tanker is already one for the record books, tho', fortunately, neither tanker nor rider exploded into a Bruce Willis action-movie ball o' flames. No offense to the Vuelta, which is perfect, but what the hell was that thing doing at the side of the road there anyway? 'Cause if we're gonna up the ante on the danger of the race course so far beyond the usual "I whacked a Golden Retriever" or "I took out a spectator" hijinks, I say we oughta go Vegas entirely and have 'em ride through hoops of burning fire or dodging charging famished circus tigers or something. Now *that* would boost this race's ratings. Watch out, Valverde--that lion's right on your---ooooh!

Cycling/It's a Gas: meantime, I see team Liquigas is finalizing its 2010 roster, and it looks like both Ivan Basso and his "co-captain" Franco of the Euromullet Pellizotti are going to face off against, I mean harmoniously work with, each other next year, which, depending on whether ASO lets attempted-but-repentant-never-cheated Basso back in the Grand Boucle, oughta make for some mighty entertaining internal competition at the Grand Tours next year. Heck, what possible problems could a little friendly rivalry cause, right? Just ask Lance and Alberto!

Yet Another Reason to Love the Danes: finally, to the delight of Greg Lemond fans everywhere, a Danish (I think) doctor is alleging that Lance Armstrong's strange blood chemistry during the Tour shows that he either (1) had an unmentionably gross three-week stomach ailment or (2) hit the good stuff. Anyone else wanna bet that Lance's lawyers are already marshalling an army of explicit data to argue (1) while they they descend on that doctor like a screeching flock of subpoena-wielding Harpies to put the kibosh on (2)? Me, I don't actually mind either way, as long as someone else whomps him in the Tour next year. Since even Contador seems to think he's hosed over at Astana, go baby Schleck!


Anonymous said...

I am curiously waiting to see who will ride for Astana besides Contador and Vino. And who will the DS be? I am still a huge Contador fan and hope he tromps all over you know who.

Tusher said...


It's the only explanation I can think of.

Levi was hypnotised during the Tour by Lance and the Hog. "My only aim is the fetch bottles for Lance, I have no career aspirations whatsoever" became his mantra and.......oh dear, it's all too depressing, isn't it?