Good Boy, Alberto!

Do You Want Your Treat Now?: yes, our pistol-wielding 2009 Tour de France champ--of late not perhaps the brightest bulb in the lamp--has finally made a huge leap towards common sense by declining, even with the promise of team leadership over returning Alexander "Like Norman Bates in "Psycho," But More Psycho" Vinokorouv, a 4 year, 16-million-euro contract with Astana. Someone's been watching his "Baby Einstein" videos this week! Meantime, no particular word on who else is courting him, but it's at least clear that for Alberto Contador to definitively stomp Lance in next year's Tour he's gotta find a team who can afford (1) him and (2) the all-star superdomestiques he'll need to crush Lance's thoroughbred stable of gazillion-dollar !@#$#es. Caisse d'Epargne? *Could* it be Garmin, bestill my beating heart (but then you better not jack over Van de Velde)? Hey, Rabobank's probably looking for a new GC guy at this point...

Oh, No, Not Again!: so long's we're recapping the shootout at the O.K. Corral, Ivan "Zoolander" Basso might want to look out for the new kid in town: yep, with a Giro podium and a Tour King of the Mountains under his belt, Franco "Hansel" Pellizotti is demanding that he be Liquigas' sole captain in his own right in 2010--of the Giro, that is, and of *course* he'll be delighted to play chorus boy to Ivan in the Tour. Um, not to cast aspersions on anyone who is not only a smashing rider but also has such pretty, pretty hair, but is he that confident that Ivan'll be asked back to the Tour next year after his little dalliance with Operacion Puerto--or is he really that confident he won't be? Forza Franco--you are one smooth operator, honey!

The Call of the Wild: y'know those nature documentaries on public television, the ones where some studly new young lion comes in to challenge the geezer with a huge harem, they engage in an epic battle for Darwinian supremacy, then the old guy gets clawed to shreds and skulks off into the bush to a lonely, friendless, ignominious death in the pounding sun of the veldt? Yeah, so Jurgen Van Den Broeck has now nattered on to the press how *great* it is that Silence-Lotto now has *two* major GC threats for next year! Roar, Cadel, roar for your life I tell you--don't you see those reeking carrion-suckin' blackhearted vultures circling slowly overhead? Update: aw, heck, I *just* realized I inadvertently violated the Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest Week 2 Rider Insult Moratorium. Kindly replace "geezer" with "Lion King," "old guy" with "elder statesman," "skulks" with "voluntarily steps down," "lonely, friendless, ignominious" with "dignified, solitary," and the entire last sentence with "Roar, Cadel, and the young lion will cower with the fear and deference which you are wholly due." That about covers it, right? Sincerest apologies to our Week Two winner--my bad!

Dag Nabit, *Again*! okay, try as I might to convince myself that it was, y'know, maybe "George" Astarloza, or "Bob" Astarloza, or some other Astarloza, nope, it was in fact Euskaltel-Euskadi-are-still-the-best-climbers-on-earth-so-you-all-can-completely-bite-me Tour de France stage winner Mikel Astarloza who tested poz in a pre-Tour out-of-competition doping test for EPO. Aw, Mikel, I'm still recovering from we-still-love-so-go-to-hell Iban Mayo, now *you* have to besmirch this beautiful team? And how dare you hose Samuel Sanchez right before the Vuelta, you (allegedly) selfish (allegedly) dope-snarfing (alleged) disgrace of a mud-dwelling pig? Euskaltel, however--unlike other teams I can think of whose riders shoot up every ten minutes practically in the middle of hotel lobbies then are immediately tossed under the team bus by their shocked and outraged directeur sportifs--is standing by their man, certain he'll be imminently be cleared. You better be, pal, or you can damn well schlep Samu' up each and every mountain stage, and anywhere else he takes it into his head he wants to go, harnessed into a freakin' dog cart all next month!

Media Tick-Me-Off o' the Week: speaking of Samuel Sanchez--look, I *love* Velonews. But in their last two articles on the fabulous Vuelta a Espana, they have stuck Samu's name, much less his freakin' GC chances, somewhere disgustingly south of the butt-end of nowhere. What the hell is that about? Give that man the credit he deserves, I say, or eat orange-and-black-scorched tarmac in September, you faithless Schleck-suckups!

And This One *Wins* When She Comes Out of Retirement: finally, congrats to returning 2002 road champ Jessica Phillips, who just bagged the US national time trial championship after years off the pro circuit. Watch and learn--this is how you do it, L--um, no-one!