The 2009 Tour de Lance

Nobody Does It Better: just when you thought the defenseless Alberto Contador couldn't get any more dope-slapped by Astana for the egregious sins of winning two Grand Tours Lance never bothered to even race and snagging a couple of stage wins at Paris-Nice to boot, 2009 Tour de France team leader Lance Armstrong, unsurprisingly, smacks him again, this time by disdaining Contador as too "nervous," and with such a strong team and a great manager, "why get nervous?" I don't know, Lance, because the strongest rider in the world right now (however you think he got that way) is being treated like a 20-euro-a-week chamois-washer by his own freakin' squad? What's more, his wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am love affair with the Giro is distinctly over it seems, as Armstrong plans to be only at "90%" for it and save his real legs for another race--guess which one!--instead. Y'know, particularly given that Contador's stupid double-chest-thump-and-gunshot routine is starting to make me want to thump someone myself, and I mean hard, stop making me feel sorry for this kid!

Keep Up the Good Work, Ricco'!: and, congrats to obnoxious Simoni inferior/Tour de France CERA-sucking scum-cheat Riccardo Ricco', whose two-year ban was just reduced to a sweet 20 months, and will therefore be relieved of his spin-class duties and back in the peloton just in time to defile the 2010 Giro d'Italia. Woo-hoo! Of course, his Saunier Duval teammates, who barely managed to morph themselves out of total unemployment by saving sponsors Fuji-Servetto, have happily received the news that thanks to their beloved ex-squadmate they're completely jacked out of this year's Tour de France. Anyone else thinking Ricco' oughta be careful not to get *too* close to the edge of a mountainside next time he has the pleasure of riding with his old teammates again?

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This: in other Tour de France news, I see Floyd Landis is dreaming of a return at the 2010 Tour, and while I can't imagine the race organizers would let him even get off the plane before they accidentally broke both his knees with a well-aimed crowbar to prevent it, no matter what you think about the validity of the conviction resulting from his ludicrous monkey trial, you gotta admit, it wouldn't be any worse than half the other riders and teams ASO lets into the race year after year. Come back, trustbutverify, come back--who else has tracked him so tenderly!

E.R.: finally, as the dismally unfortunate peloton gets off to about the highest early-season body count I've seen yet, best wishes for a speedy recovery to Quick Step newbie Kurt Hovelijnck, in the hospital with a fractured skull and hopefully, soon, on the mend. Holy moly, is *anyone* going to be left at the end of this summer?