Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm Sorry, Was That My Bike Pump I Accidentally Shoved Into Your Spokes?

Yes, as every clueless noncycling news outlet immediately started shrieking like they were reporting a catastrophic spontaneous explosion of the entire Earth, Lance has indeed fractured his collarbone, and while it was allegedly the crappy Spanish roads that took Armstrong out, not any nefarious underhanded bushwhacking by his baby savant teammate Contador, for my money--aside from the Italians getting to breathe a ginormous sigh of relief that they needn't collectively juice themselves beyond all human recognition just to guarantee one of their own takes the 100th edition of their national race this May--the big story is that with his like-he-ever-gave-it-a-rat's-!@#-about-it-anyway Giro jacked, it seems a virtual statistical certainty that Armstrong is now gonna take, and Contador is completely and officially screwed out of, the team leadership at the Tour. Scope out the Plateau de Beille? Practice your (freakishly improved) time-trialling? The hell with that, Alberto--just practice stuffing multiple water bottles down your jersey and zippin' 'em on up to your master from the team car instead--and give me your bike, you peasant, I've just gotten an ill-timed flat!

Of course, there's always the possibility that Lance will bail on his Tour--and thus his entire comeback--in the next day or so, which, however utterly lame an ending to his perpetually whored return, he'll certainly do if he feels remotely like he won't be the blinding star shining on top of the final podium in Paris for win number 8. In this event, (1) Vs., if you even *think* of displacing Phil Liggett, Paul Sherwen, Bob Roll or even, by god, the vomitoriously atrocious Al Trautwig as commentator in favor of this arrogant unbearable wank at the Tour for one single second, I swear I'm gonna start a massive global publicity-blitz campaign demanding an immediate return to full-time bass-fishing programming, and (2) despite his likely new-found optimism, Contador might as well quit the Tour now and hit the beach anyhow, as every no-neck ESPN talking-head troglodyte is gonna yap 5,000,000 times in July even when Contador freakin' wins the Tour that he'd obviously never have done it if Armstrong were there.

And I won't even point out, because I'm not a wholly callous smirking troll, how perfectly ironic it is that Armstrong was the only rider really taken out in this multi-cyclist accident just days after he blasted Contador for being an inexperienced error-prone twit. Now, sincere wishes to Lance for a speedy recovery, let's leave the poor guy to get some much-needed rest, and--Alberto! Put down that champagne! Turn off that damn techo music and quit dancing around! You've got a race to ride tomorrow!

Oh, and here's the replay:

6 comments:

Ben said...

right on rj, right on as ever. another possibility you haven't considered. he packs it in for this year, only to take another crack next season...
i think i need a lie down.

Tom said...

Phil Liggett is safe. Lance is too egomaniacal to stoop to anything as inglamorous as race announcing.

strbuk said...

>>And I won't even point out, because I'm not a wholly callous smirking troll<<

No, actually that's JUST what you are!! ;-)

Anonymous said...

All of last year you constantly shat all over Contador. Now, that Lance has come back, he's suddenly a freakin SAINT?

The comment Lance made about Contador's stupid fkup at PN was ACCURATE. AC had the thing in the bag & he SCREWED UP. And sure, once again, the perhaps too-vaunted Astana domestiques left their leader all alone, like Levi at the ToC. But, unlike Levi, AC was not up to the job of getting it done. I think Lance & Johan could of said a LOT more, as PAYBACK for all of AC's hissyfits last Fall when Lance's comeback hit the news. The kid would NOT SHUT UP. Every damn day, there he was in the cycling press, wah-wah-wah-"I'm the best cyclist in the world & deserve to be #1 on this team-wah-wah-wah...." And THEN, he throws crap on Levi for apparently not throwing HIMself on his, um, bike in the final Vuelta TT & just letting AC just ride away with the win. HAH! And what really pisses me off is that Levi can NOT have said MORE complimentary things about AC for the entire past 2 years, even in the 2007 Tour, when Levi was supposed to be the designated leader & due to his inconsistent start, AC became the Chosen One. The damn ingrate should watch & read Levi's interviews.

Pooor Alberto, he was SO distraught over losing PN.... NOT. Reminded me of friggin Bode Miller.

I hope Lance kicks AC's ass up & down every mountain & road in France.

AC does have a lot to learn & NOT just on the bike.

Tom said...

A (I can call you A, right?),

You're too rabidly, blindly pro-Lance to see things in a more open and accurate manner.

The issue is not "was Lance right" or "did Alberto screw up" or "did Levi make more of a less than ideal situation".

The issue is, what was Armstrong's motivation? Anyone at all familiar with his history knows what a self-centered, egomaniacal martyr he is. Lance is to be promoted at all costs and anyone in the way of that needs to be, at very least, knocked down a peg.

That takes nothing away from any of Lance's accomplishments and it does not deny the good he's done as faceman for the cancer community. It's simply the way things are, it's who and what he is and what we all know and expect of him.

What he did, the way he did it, was done with bad intent. It was typical immature, classless, self-promotion and was maliciously done at the expense of someone standing between Lance and his goal of leading Astana at the TdF.

If Lance was genuinely concerned with Alberto's maturation as a professional cyclist he would have spoken to him in private. Instead he jumped on Twitter within moments of Alberto's defeat, and then ran to an L'Equipe interview pretending concern in front of God and all the world.

Armstrong's concern for anyone and anything other than himself or his cause is blantantly phoney.

He's a truly admirable guy in some ways. In others he's low class white trash who sadly found his way to a fist full of power that he is all too willing to abuse.

Carbon4Carbon said...

I think that for LA to come back, he needs to jump in the hyperbaric sleeping chamber for four straight weeks... but if he does that, then he can't do altitude training, as these two "procedures" are the complete polar opposites.
Either way, come time for the Giro... at best, Lance is gonna be pack filler.