Angels in Chains

Smooth Criminals: so, the legal problems continue to roll on for the peloton, with ex-Liberty Seguros prodigy Alberto Contador and dog-slandering innocent Valverde being called to testify over at the CONI Op Puerto inquiry, embittered rat fink Patrik Sinkewitz continuing to appeal his relatively meager one year ban for testosterone (already up in July, just in time to set him into a rage as he watches the Tour de France on TV from home like the rest of the couch-bound civilian saps), Matthias Kessler taking issue with his two-year sentence despite his attorney copping to his having "the highest value ever measured" (hell, he can't be any dirtier than Vinokorouv, right?), Leukemans continuing to blame his team doctor's stupidity in the absence of a plausible love defense, noble crusader for justice Andrei Kashechkin begging for work as he campaigns against testing not for problems with veracity but for atrocities against human rights, Rock Racing-presumptive Mario "the Chest" Cipollini getting nailed for Italian back taxes despite scamming residency in Monaco and facing a surprisingly hostile populist uprising from the oppressed tifosi over at Gazzetta dello Sport who think that even a very pretty whining coddled cyclist ought to have to pay up just like the rest of the peons to the tax authorities despite the latter thieves clearly deserving death, Marco Pantani's poor mom, convinced of foul play, still begging the Italian authorities to reopen the inquest into his passing, and Landis counting down to his March 19 frying, I mean appeal, at CAS on the heels of his strange and clearly pissed-off email chat with a resolutely ignorant and defensive USA Cycling's Steve Johnson (do you actively *want* to set CAS into a rage before they even have the chance to dope-smack your legal team in person, Floyd?). On the plus side, I see the tragically careening Vandenbroucke has emerged from his earlier breakdown to ride again and fellow dope hog Danilo Hondo's now joining Gilberto Simoni over at Diquigiovanni, so I really think that our beloved sport's finally on the upswing here, don't you agree?

Unibet They're !@#$%! Anyway: and, in actual racing news, I see Unibet, which fared so well at the kind hands of UCI last year, has now been reborn as Pro Continental squad Collstrop, thereby guaranteeing that their blameless riders will continue to be senselessly victimized by the irrelevant grasping power plays of UCI and a truly endless parade of crybaby race organizers, only now for a lot less money. Now we're getting somewhere! Euskaltel, meanwhile, somehow managed to come up with the cash or some alternate seduction to re-sign the brilliant Samuel Sanchez all the way up through 2010, with Sanchez modestly only aspiring to a stage or two in this year's Tour to the relief of Tour GC aspirant/humble Vuelta superdomestique Haimar Zubeldia, making me hope against hope that, despite Sastre Contador and Valverde gunning primarily for the Tour, the boy will still have some legs left in September and there'll actually be more'n a halfway-coordinated neo-pro Spaniard left to ride, and more importantly do justice to, our perpetual beautiful mountain-monster also-ran the Vuelta. Venga Sanchez--and get your priorities straight already!

Yellow Journalism: no, not mine, but it's beyond my comprehension how our golden squad Saunier Duval could have its much-emasculated team presentation (confident baby Giro aspirant Ricco', Leonardo "How I Got Off for Last Year's Test Results is Beyond Me" Piepoli, and a couple 'nother stalwarts excepted) without anyone in the audience standing up and screaming "Where the !@#$ is we love Iban Mayo, you spineless coward punk-@$$ weaklings?!" Man alive people, even the Spanish cycling fed risked coming up for air from their endless make-out session with Alejandro Valverde to back him, what more validation do you want? Free Iban--and resume his freakin' paychecks you wussbag cringing sell-outs!