Oh, There's No Place Like Hosed for the Holidays!

Pat "Dick" We Have Heard on High/Swearing, "Iban, You Will Fry": y'know, in this season of giving, it's so important to remember those in need, which is why it's so very touching to watch Pat "Dick" McQuaid and the desperate-for-credibility protocol-mangling incompetent lab chimps over at Chatenay-Malabry giving Iban Mayo's lonely underprivileged urine samples a heart-warming 800 opportunities to replicate their initial freak poz for EPO, which, after an irksome little negative by some crap Gent lab with no actual vested interest in the results, finally arrived in a true Christmas miracle, since apparently no known legitimate laboratory could come up with one using, well, science. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! Sadly, Iban's attorney at least is distinctly unappreciative, opining, in one of those feats of intuition that only the most intimate of lawyer-client relationships can foster, that though he doesn't know where Iban is, he's pretty sure his boy ain't happy, and will likely appeal. As for our ferocious bulldogs at the Spanish cycling fed, so eager to rush to defend the honor of Alejandro Valverde at the slightest hint of slander? Naturally, they immediately took to the airwaves in outrage and demanded...um...guys...you there? Hello? Anybody? Hellooooo-oooo....?

I Saw Mommy Kissing Leukemans: meantime, as Bjorn Leukemans' actual B sample comes back poz for exogenous testosterone, the virile young man continues to claim both his inherently-studlier-than-thou and vaunted act-of-love-interruptus defenses, fiercely asserting 'these values are natural!' Oh, Bjorn. I sympathize indeed if you didn't do this at all, but surely there's no shame (if still yet a suspension), in this open-minded, 'fess-up era of Bjarne and Zabel and Aldag, of admitting to needing a little help with such things now and then?

Landis Got Run Over By a French Guy: finally, as if Floyd Landis hasn't been dope-slapped enough lately by UCI, USADA, WADA, the press, disgruntled fans, and frankly everyone on earth except the thoughtful detectives at trustbutverify and (correct me if I'm hallucinating here) Lance-freakin-Armstrong of all people, the French cycling fed has undertaken the pointless exercise of smacking him around yet again, this time by making sure to ban him from non-UCI races in the rather unlikely event that Christian Prudhomme drops to his knee like a proposing swain and begs Landis to ride a non-UCI Tour de France next year. Now, if I recall correctly, the Landis-lovin' organizers over at ASO not only have spent the last year and a half calling Floyd a cheating testosterone whore, but also kindly introduced the route of the 2007 Tour de France with a video of Landis' head shattering, so I'm fairly sure--and this may be too speculative, I know--they're not exactly planning to rip the maillot jaune off Oscar Pereiro's back and joyously bear Floyd on their shoulders down the Champs-Elysees next year. But you go right ahead defending the unimpeachable Tour's virtue from the filthy likes of Floyd Landis, folks!