Resolve This: well, looking back at my last year's New Year's Resolutions, I see unfortunately that they lasted about as long as St. David Millar in front of a camera before the waterworks start, so despite their dubious utility, and my even more dubious willpower, for the sake of peace and love and redemption and all that other commie socialist hippie crap, I hereby sincerely try again:
1. I will not excoriate the know-nothing non-cycling press for whatever idiot comments they make after Landis inevitably loses his CAS appeal. However, on actual cycling freaks, it remains open season. I will, though, send the brilliant and faithful pro-Floyd analysts over at trustbutverify some nice flowers in consolation for their loss.
2. I will not slag St. David Millar quite so relentlessly, on the entirely fair and reasonable point raised by his Shameless Defender that at least he didn't gack up some completely ludicrous eye-roller of a denial like Ivan Basso. But if he cries one more time like some couch-welded Cheeto-snorting rugrat suddenly deprived of his XBox for the first time in a decade, all bets are off, honey.
3. I will sell, or at least rent, my immortal soul to the first person who gets me a legitimate working press pass to the Giro d'Italia, though in the interest of good sportsmanship, I caution any and all comers that should you try to resell it on E-bay, it likely ain't gonna be worth the postage.
4. I will continue to loathe Bjarne Riis for jacking over Bobby Julich for the Tour this year, no matter how kind, humane, rational, understanding, and forgiving this fine and diplomatic cyclist personally is about it.
5. I will pay more attention to cyclo-cross, track, and the grossly undercovered women's peloton. Sure, these things are never actually broadcast so one can see them, but it can't be that expensive to catch a plane to Europe every weekend, right?
6. I resolve to forgive Denis Menchov for winning in fine form the 2007 Vuelta, despite my lingering and deeply unjust resentment against him for the disastrous results-stripping outcome of the Heras affair in 2005 for which he bore no responsibility whatsoever. However, I *am* still rooting for Samuel Sanchez to kick his @#$ in 2008.
7. I resolve not to project onto faultless innocent prodigy Alberto Contador my annoyance when Johan Bruyneel viciously screws over we love Levi Leipheimer and, next year, we also love Andreas Kloden, at the Tour de France *again*. As an added bonus, I'll stop mentioning the wholly irrelevant fact that he's a product of both Manolo Saiz and Liberty Seguros every time he takes a stage win.
8. I promise not to be snarky about Petacchi, DiLuca, and Basso's pouty studmuffin status, because there's certainly nothing wrong with being both a genius cyclist and also very, very pretty. However, if any one of them drapes himself in satin for a calendar, struts his stuff on a Milan runway, or rips his shirt off for gazzetta dello sport again, it's all over, baby!
9. I will give one free pass on massive verbal abuse for the wily and entertaining provider of the 2008 Best Doping Excuse of the Year. Cuz you know, no matter how many guys got drawn and quartered over failing to mask it properly this year, *some* little eejit's gonna try it again (and blow it again) next season.
10. I will...no, I just can't promise anything with regard to that scorched-earth witch-hunting Iban-hating weasel hypocrite Pat "Dick" McQuaid. I just plain can't. Oh well, perhaps I'll be a better person next year!
All right, that's about all the personal improvement I can stomach for one year. Happy New Year to all, and to all a good night!