Sunday, September 23, 2007

Doping Solved!

It's the Commies' fault! No, it's the Bogeyman's! No, it's...: yep, the Spaniards', the Spaniards', the Spaniards' (and Floyd Landis'.) Wow, thanks, Pat "Dick" McQuaid--I see it all so clearly now! You see, kids, cycling was clean and beautiful until the filthy cheating Spaniards came along, polluting this pure sport with the vile cesspool of their poisoned morals, scarfing EPO with joyous abandon straight from their musettes at snack time and toasting each other with testosterone-spiked champagne at the end of every stage win, aided and abetted by the nastiest dirtiest most codependent enabling cycling federation and bought-and-sold legal system this side of...oh, why set myself up for a lawsuit? Anyhoo, UCI's got just buckets of evidence of continued blood doping among the Spanish riders, which it'll unleash as soon as it bothers to read the rest of the Op Puerto file, which it's had sitting unopened under a pile of GQs in the UCI limo for the last 4 months but is somehow the Spaniards' fault that UCI's still "waiting for something to happen on it." More, the ridiculous protestations of the protectionist lying pigs that a rider like Alejandro Valverde in the prime of his career oughtn't to be excluded on the Worlds just because UCI is pissed they never managed to nail Lance Armstrong and can't get anything solid on this guy either are just a kick in the works to a noble organization solely concerned with the riders' health and safety and not in the least desperate to justify its own grossly flawed existence. Now, not to be a wisenheimer, but let us review the 2007 dope fiends, shall we? Matthias Kessler. Alexander Vinokorouv. Andrei Kashechkin. (Need anyone point out that "Astana" is the capitol of that notorious Spanish stronghold, Kazakhstan?) Cristian Moreni of Cofidis. Patrik Sinkewitz of T-Mobile. CSC's disgraced German doctors. Hell, let's even throw even Michael "My Tour Was Stolen" Rasmussen of Rabobank into the mix. Well, I sure see a disgusting pattern of Spanish misbehavior emerging, don't you? Now, I ain't saying they ain't doping (though I am saying they likely ain't doping more'n anybody else)...but put up or shut up, you bitter scapegoating crybaby, and no, Iban Mayo's presumptively positive B sample doesn't cancel everyone else's positives out!

War of the Worlds: meantime, things aren't looking much more harmonious over at Team Italy, with gazzetta dello sport reporting that Paolo Bettini is worried that there's too many queen bees and not enough happy worker drones on the team, to which the team manager gamely replied that (1) every single Worlds-thirsty star on the team will act as one without regard to individual ambitions and (2) Cunego's gonna take it anyway not Bettini (a surprising pick over say Di Luca, given Cunego's middling late-season form and ugly Vuelta crash, but who am I to be puzzled?). Now, I'd still be perfectly happy with either you or Bettini taking it this year...but here's your chance now that they've all psyched each other out, Friere!

Finally, Denis Menchov Genuinely Deserved His 2007 Vuelta: if Roberto Heras can be complimentary about it, so can I, though I'm still even happier with Sastre's smokin' recovery on the third to last day out from Madrid and Samuel Sanchez' smashing 3 stages (please don't test positive, please don't test positive!) Anyhow, my sincerest congratulations to Menchov, and I wish him even better luck in the Tour next year. Next!

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