Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Contador

Contador, Are You !@#$in' *Nuts*?!: someone tell me this isn't a sick joke: yes, just as Alberto Contador's brains were starting to actually work for him, his brother/manager Fran has announced that Contador's about to sign with Astana of all squads for another two or three years. Why does your own big brother hate you so much, exactly? Y'know, I get that Astana tossed you a dog bone when they had you on a choke chain and let you buy a bunch of trusty Spanish domestiques that you could be reasonably certain weren't gonna bushwhack you. But haven't you noticed that extremo-ambitious Napoleonic wingnut Alexander Vinokourov is in total control of this team thanks to the moneybags sponsors, and has, to be kind, some unfinished issues with the Tour de France? Damn, he already set the pace to drop you before the line when you had a broken wheel coming off the cobbles the other day--when you need him and he's got the legs to help, do you really think he's gonna be able to resist the lure of the mountains he's been pining for ever since he tried to hose Jan Ullrich back in the day? 'Cause I'm not confident--after all, Lance promised to support your scrawny !@# too, and we all know how *that* worked out for you. My word, you trusting child, good luck--you're gonna need it!

Showin' the Love, Baby!: in more weird Contador news, it's hats off to our little high-road rider, who showed up at Lance and Johan's RadioSkank team bus today carrying two small bags containing commemorative 2009 Tour de France watches. Now, I know--*know*--that this was a wholly selfless, thoughtful, peacemaking gesture from our doe-eyed rugrat-o'-steel, for which he is, as with all random acts of kindness, to be commended. Therefore, I likewise know that Alberto in no way meant to remind Armstrong that Contador, not he, won last year's Tour. That's *so* sweet of you, Alberto! To Lance's gentlemanly credit, he called wee Contador's gesture "very generous," and, in the hilarity-factor Quote-o-the-Tour, added that Alberto obviously "recognizes he had the support of a great team" in 2009. Like the "support" you get when you're !@#$%-slapped in the press every day by your own former cycling idol, rejected like a sore-covered leper during the presentation of the Team Classification win, and completely ignored as you stand six inches away from Captain Athletic Supporter on the top of your own podium in Paris? Goodness, with support like that, who needs rat poison? Anyhoo, as you continue your sobbing road to redemption, Cavendish, here's your (much needed) example--do this with Heinrich Haussler, and he may not intentionally run over your skull next time you take him down recklessly in a sprint!

I Call Bull!@#$, Astana!

You're Freakin' Me Out, Vinokourov: okay, let's get my shameful hypocrisy out of the way first: I often rather love Vinokourov because although he's an unrepentant doping pig, he's at least honest (well, open) enough (despite today's uncharacteristic denials)to wholly embrace it on the grounds that so still are most of his serious competitors, so anyone who's whining about it can look themselves in the mirror while they're jamming a syringe in their !@# and screw. Plus--and unfortunately, no doubt because he's still (allegedly!) a doping pig--there's a certain Ullrichian imminent-catastrophe quality to his racing that is, to say the least, lively to watch. That said, is it too much to ask that (1) he not be so counterproductively ostentatious about (allegedly!) it that he doesn't leave Contador with a third-rate pile of Kazakh packfiller to domestique him at the Tour and (2) at least *one* cyclist gets to win *something* who's clean? In fact, if that punk Valverde weren't also up there at Liege today to obliterate any chance whatsoever of fair play and leave those of us who prefer clean sport to look so much farther down the ranks for a genuine podium, and if Jens Voigt didn't entirely distract me by being smashing to watch for most of the race yet again, I'd be a whole lot more !@#$ed off. Anyone else thinking that if Vino doesn't get busted in the next 13 days we might as well just tattoo the final maglia rosa on his chest before the Giro d'Italia even starts?

Don't Do It, Gibo!: meanwhile, after Simoni had an entirely understandable so go to hell shaky start to his season at the Giro di Trentino, I am flipping out at the possibility that, rather than lose on his beloved Zoncolan, he's going to hang up his jersey instead of dope-sma--I mean, sticking around to help bestest pal Damiano Cunego at least pull off a stage win. Come back, Gilberto--even when you're acting nice, you're still a much more fun interview than anyone else in the Italian peloton! Which brings us to another question: what the !@#$ happened to Pellizotti in Trentino--I mean, I know he's aiming at the Tour and all, but is he really going to let that Teen Beat darling Basso stomp all over him in front of fans and press who already discount him for the entire month of May? Pull it together Franco!

Sister Sister: speaking of Basso, I surprisingly see no mention on his twitter feed about his dear sister's impending trial for trafficking in sports-doping products, presumably because he had the discretion to seek out the good stuff from other sourc--that is, because they are now estranged over their entirely different philosophies with regard to good sportsmanship. Does it strike anyone else as curious that, a few unfortunate and minor-player exceptions aside, it's the wives and girlfriends that are always going down for this rather the jerks who actually take their stuff to win? Kill the messenger, whydontcha--I suppose it's a lot less embarrassing than having to clear the ranks of half the cyclists!

Fuyu Is Right: Team RadioSkank, of course, is still reeling from the colossal misstep of Clenbuterol-snarfing Fuyu Li, who ought to know at a minimum that he's not supposed to test positive until, like everyone else who ever (super)domestiqued for Lance, he's already left the One's precious fold. Like utterly-whipped repeat podium finisher Andreas Kloden *needs* to lose the one guy he could actually pull rank on to send back for water bottles? Arrrgghhh!

Like a Fine Wine, But She Can Beat You *Down*, Honey: finally, just an encouraging nod to the French, who have at least one rider they can count on not to suck year after year after year: yep, it's permanent French champ/new autobio author Jeannie Longo, reportedly considering what to do after her cycling days are over but who luckily has at least another generation to finalize her plans. Allez allez Jeannie--and for heck's sake, can't somebody take her to the Tour de France start line with the boys?