Off With 'Is 'Ead!: okay, the verdict is in on whether Sky should've stopped to wait for the red jersey to catch back up at the Vuelta after the race leader hit the pavement: Alejandro Valverde is a big !#$in' baby, and eatin' time for his crash was fair play. Sure, that same Darwinian philosophy didn't stop the Schlecks from bitchin' endlessly for two years about Chaingate when they'd just bushwhacked Contador the exact same way earlier in the race, but we can't ask for consistency from these guys, we can at least set, I submit, some ground rules: (1) you cause it, you wait for it, jack!@#!; (2) if we're talking seconds on a Grand Tour podium, suck it up and wait; (3) if there's a truly freak occurrence like some dimwit's dog, numb-nuts' race-course meander, eejit's support car, or weird psycho's small sharp object obsession, wait; and (4) if you've already !@#$ed people over at Paris-Nice, champ, ya might wanna hold the righteousness in check. Other'n that, may luck be a lady tonight, and have at, you cheap-shot mercenaries!
Slow and Steady Screws the Break: meantime, over at the USA Pro Cycling Challenge, the breakaway was more than irked yesterday at Liquigas princeling Vincenzo Nibali, who, according to his companions, sat on his butt like a lump 'til the break got munched like a bag o' Doritos just about in sight o' the line. Sure, Nibali opined he was just riding his own race (off the legs of like 20 other guys, but whatever), and the American sounded just a liiiiiiiitle bit bitter about their big-bucks press-darling Euro counterparts, but let's just look at this in practical terms--do you *really* want to kick out every wheel-suckin' weenie in the peloton, 'cause I can think of a few big names here, and you'd damn near have no-one left!
Now, *That's* the Hurly-Burly of Cycling: and, Garmin action hero Dave Zabriskie certainly gets my vote for hard-man of the race, not only busting himself for three straight days to help his teammates win the leader's jersey and the stage today, but literally throwing up with the effort by the side of the road *and* then remounting to keep putting the hammer down yesterday. Heck, I like a well-fought race as much as anyone--but aren't you guys taking this studly-masochism thing just a bit too far?
Back to the Vuelta, Baby!: finally, the Vuelta's back in the mountains tomorrow, Purito's already gunning for the win, and there's still time to enter this week's Win Free Stuff!
Argh!: y'know, I'd pretty well resigned myself to supporting the use of race radios because, basically, Jens said so, but now there's an argument that actually has independent merit: if you watched Ten Dam, Schleck, and (sorry Ivan!) Basso's epic choke in the last 2k of the USA Pro Cycling Challenge, it's obvious some of these guys *cannot* be trusted to think for themselves. Geez louise, you have a *guaranteed* win by one of the best bike racers on earth--and frankly, some of you could use it this season--and you blow it by pissy wankerian knowingly self-destructive tactical dithering? Look, I was gonna get annoyed if Andy bagged it too, but better him than none of you for all that work y'all put in. But really, DSes, you've *got* the radios in the team cars, did it *occur* to you you're supposed to use 'em to scream instructions their !@#damn dimwit ears during the race if they need it instead of, oh, ordering a Big Whopper at the drive-thru as a post-loss consolation prize? Andy, of course, managed to whine like one of those horrid over-coiffed yippy dogs *again* about how everyone else owed him victory, though from my seat Ten Dam was at least trying the whole time and Basso jumped on every move no matter who wouldn't even try to help him. Yes, I know you're trying to divert our attention, Andy--but you've still got to learn to time-trial this winter! Anyhoo, big points to Tom Peterson for shoving Richard Nixon's mug out o' the way (serious, look for it): And that was some fine riding, Levi--Johan, with the win as extra leverage, I hope he *does* bail to Quick Step for more dough!
Your Vuelta Roundup: and, as Euskaltel's we love Igor Anton sneakily holds way, way back in preparation for stomping Nibali and Rodriguez next week (shut up! and you can all just bite me when Mikel Nieve wins the Vuelta in a couple years!), Monday's gonna be a big race to the bottom for the GC contenders as each tries not to suck *quite* as bad at the time trial as the next guy down, and I'm banking on Nibali, providing he's not too tanked from his mean ride today, to be the fair-to-middling best o' the bunch. But it's still your race to lose overall, Rodriguez--I hope you don't mind if it's to Anton!
Blast From the Past: meantime, nothing sets the ol' waterworks off and the heartstrings tuggin' like this genuine diamond I find I still have filed from, it looks like, the Financial Times right after the bust in 2006: "I'd no reason to know about testosterone," quoth Landis, "and, all of a sudden, 200 journalists are experts and they've all convicted me." Such cruel, unjustified doubts from those vultures--I'm gonna sue every !@#$% who slanders me! Oh, wait...
Yer Racejunkie Tweet o' the Week: finally, a warm congrats to Mark Cavendish for his comment on Tyler Farrar (sorry!)'s mash-up on this week's Vuelta sprint: "Just watched yesterday's crash in the sprint of #vuelta. I wonder who's going to be first person to blame me for it." Not me, Cav--maybe the field was just hallucinating one of your hired goons chasing 'em down instead?
Retire Or I'll Break Your !@#$ing Kneecaps!: yes, the Astana saga just gets curiouser and curiouser, with Astana managing to keep within the UCI rules and, totally coincidentally, retain their ProTour status with the wholly unsurprising completely voluntary retirement--not a team switch, a retirement--of jailbait quitter Roman Kiriyev, because for my money, a 24-year-old who's just recently achieved his dream career, has been riding actual races within the preceding fortnight, already grabbed a spot on a Grand Tour squad, and despite reports of serious injury has, accordingly to reliable medical reports, a "boo-boo", is just the kind of grizzled veteran whose jaded, arthritic burnout and approximately 63 road miles ridden finally caught up with and whacked 'im when he decided on his retirement "months ago." Well, nice to know ya, Roman--hope Vino didn't cry too hard when you gave him the news!
Crashes and the Dumb!@# Parents Who Cause Them: and, in the sort of crack parenting advice only someone who has personally inadvertently frozen three innocent young cactii to death during a blizzard is qualified to give, I generously offer this suggestion to tifosi everywhere: DON'T LET YOUR FREAKIN' KID RUN OUT ONTO THE COURSE AT A GRAND TOUR. Now, I understand the entirely faultless tot's impulse in dashing out on a 70kph Vuelta downhill to grab a discarded water bottle--if Jens Voigt so much as phtoofed the spit-covered nub of an empty energy gel into the gutter in front of me I'd dive for that thing mount it in platinum and parade it around my office like the Hope Diamond. But I'm old enough to *choose* to be that stupid, and certainly to wait til the peloton goes by. Thankfully, both child and the very worried Kurt Asle Arvesen escaped with mere bumps and bruises, and will be just fine. But *think*, dear parents--we wouldn't allow Junior to skip out onto the fifty-yard line during the last damn play of the Superbowl, would we? Riiigghhhtt!
Punk-!@# Move of the Week: fine, David Moreno wasn't thrilled Chris Anker Sorensen attacked, but to my eyes, it was an *extremely* punk-!@# move on Tuesday for him to wheel-suck Sorenson for 3k then, nicely rested, blitz around him for the stage win. Meantime, I remain in deep denial about we love Igor Anton's disastrous two-day bonk and meekly confessed lack of form, because (1) of course Igor'll ride right back into it in a day or two (shut up! will too! go to hell!) and (2) while GC contenders like Rodriguez and Nibali are foolishly crossing him off their list, Euskaltel revelation Mikel Nieve will smack the smirk off their faces with a coupla smashingly time-gaining stage wins (shut up! will too! go to hell!). Keeeeep dreamin' there Vincenzo--the boys in orange are comin' up!
Oldies But Goodies: finally, it's just darn great the last two days to watch the usually slow-n-steady Levi Leipheimer accelerate like a beast to take a stage and big George Hincapie crush the break today while certain European riders, hampered, as Cadel Evans noted, by a distinct lack of that pesky "oxygen", cracked after a few brave, if futile, efforts of their own. Yes, yes, I know who George and Levi used to ride for, you paranoid, mean-minded haters--lalalalalalalalala, I can't hear you, lalalalalalala!
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