Patrick Lefevere: Good morning. I've called you all here today to address totally unfounded rumors of bad morale, erratic management, and my riders' TOTAL INEXCUSABLE !@#$WITTERY here at Destillcantspellit-Quick Step. And I understand that most of the team is joining us today. Great! Let's get started!
First, I'd like to say how very pleased I am that one of our top sprinters, Sam Bennett, is looking in such fine form ahead of the Worlds. (Bennett walks in) What are you doing walking, you bastard? I'm stuck paying you your whole !@#$ing salary now that you meandered for 7 kilometers in some stupid race, so get on your !@#damn bike right now and earn it! Ride, you lazy git! Ride!
Julian Alaphilippe (pleasantly): hi, boss!
PL: And *you*, pretty boy, don't think those fancy rainbow stripes mean jack !@#$ ! Two more weeks and they'll belong to someone else and then you're just one more scrawny chump raising his arms before the line like an idiot! Hey, can we get a photo of us together over here for tomorrow's L'Equipe? C'mere, pal o' mine!
Next, I want to address my recent comments about the legendary Mark Cavendish, who completely out of nowhere grabbed 4 stages, the green jersey, made everyone fall in love with him all over again, and also earned us a boatload of money and fantastic publicity at the Tour de France this year. You'll ride the Tour next year or not at my irrational whim, you overhyped has-been! Hinault was the only one with the balls to call you out before he backtracked like a !@#damn coward! And oh Cav--you mind giving me a signed green jersey to waive at the press ahead of every sign-in next year?
Moving back to our team's phenomenal achievements which are entirely due to me, I'd also like to congratulate our peerless lead-out man, Florian Senechal, on his accidental stage-win victory at the Vuelta. Of course if you'd !@#$ing *listened* to me and plucked your inflated head out of your !@# for ten seconds, you'd've known Jakobsen'd lost your wheel, you hopelessly incompetent amateur! By the way, you're a key part of the team, so I'm re-signing you for two more years and also cutting your pay by 50 percent. And you'll shut up and *like* it!
Also, in case you hadn't noticed, *two* of our riders formed entirely under my personal guidance, Jannik Steimle and Mattia Cattaneo won *two* races for our team in the last 24 hours alone. You feeling confident you're gonna take that World Champion jersey that I'm gonna tattoo on your !@#damn face so everyone knows I'm the reason you won it this year, Bennett? HEY YOU, STYBAR--QUIT PLAYING WITH MY BALLS! (Zdenek drops croissant he's eating, raises hands in the air)
In conclusion, I'd like to ask you all to give a round of applause to our incredible "Wolfpack," which has done such an excellent job and whom I value so very highly with all of my heart. Hah, "Wolfpack" my !@#--it oughta be "WUSSPACK," you pathetic hacks! And you too, all you scandal-mongering gossip-whore so-called 'journalists'! I'll smack you all down on Twitter! I'll congratulate you all on a job well done! I'll slag you to your mothers! I'll...(Davide Cassani drags Lefevere from room, still screaming)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment