Feeling a burning desire to sit out on a scorching barren mountainside all day waiting for 2 minutes of GC action to come by? Wondering what to do with your days now that you don't have 6 hours of nothin' going but the scenery during a sprint stage? Staring glumly at the carrots in your salad because they remind you of the Euskaltel kit you should be watching on TV right now? Well then you're in Vuelta withdrawal, honey, and we've got the cure--it's Yer Incredibly Prestigious 2021 Vuelta a Espana racejunkie Awards! Prizes, for those so desperately needy or just plain shameless enough to claim them--and I swear this on my Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, so you know I mean business--(1) a dashing custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap; (2) a shining handful of handsome racejunkie stickers to deface yer bike, yer team bus, or the DS you just pissed off; (3) eternal internet embarrassment (or glory); and (4) a genuine golden-hued high-school-sports trophy with yer name *and* yer prestigious award either engraved or extremely neatly written upon it in black Sharpie, whichever you prefer (but honestly, my handwriting *cannot* be beat). So change outta that stinking time trial kit, put on yer best sponsor-logo polo, and let's get this party started!
Crash o' the Race (Totally Random Edition): look, a lotta skin got shed and a lotta bones got busted this Vuelta, and we wish them all speedy, safe, and full recoveries. But sometimes, a crash happens that is just plain weird, and fortunately doesn't cause anybody any actual harm. This year's champ: Astana's we love Ion Izagirre, who for no apparent reason whatsoever veered right across the road and bam! straight into his soigneur. Hey, at least he didn't knock 'im into a pile of barbed wire--well done, amiright?
Dumb-@#$ Tactics o' the Vuelta: normally, this goes to Movistar for its perpetual-idiot endless-fail "trident" GC strategy--which, of course, *was* in fact its usual prize-winning disaster. But *this* time, Movistar shares the glory with none other than Team Ineos, who successfully shepherded Jumbo-Visma's Primoz Roglic to the top of every mountain, blasted apart the weaker GC contenders with unsustainable attacks, and were crucial factors in 3 of his 4 nut-kicking stage wins. Accordingly, these master tacticians also bag the Domestique o' the Vuelta (Individual Division) Award. Good job, gentlemen--and just maybe, you'll actually ride for *your* guys next year!
The Odd Couple (Well, Actually Just One Guy) Award: Y'know, from inaugural Grand Tour stage wins to unexpected breakaway successes to just plain guys *not* crashing on treacherous wet descents, there were actually a lot of sweet, heartwarming moments in this Vuelta. But for my money, the most truly adorable was watching hardworking but not overwhelmingly coddled Odd Christian Eiking realize he'd snagged the red jersey, and then defend it, successfully, for a giant portion of the whole race. Class work, young man!
Domestique o' the Vuelta (Individual Edition): y'know, after a sorta rocky first week, Sepp Kuss stepped up and did massive yeoman's work for Primoz Roglic, again. But for sheer beauty, for absolute perfection, nothing, nothing can beat the textbook job that Lawson Craddock did for Magnus Cort in the last 5k of Stage 19. Beautiful pacing, perfect tactics, flawless lead-out--a true masterclass in domestiqueicity. Hell, race organizers, get Craddock up on that podium too, whydontcha?
Energizer Bunny Award: Alejandro Valverde. He attacked from the second he was let out of the team bus, and didn't stop until his cringe-inducing but mercifully not too damaging race-ending crash into a ravine. And then, he almost immediately posted video of him back on the bike trainer. Not to humblebrag, but we called him coming back for 2022. And most likely, he'll be back in 2023. And 2024. And...
Weeper Moment of the Race: All right, admit it--you were bawling like a baby when Fabio Jakobsen took his first (and his second, and his third) stage win at his first Grand Tour since his horrific and damn nearly deadly accident last year. And admit it--you were bawling like a baby when Alejandro Valverde finally conceded bodily defeat after his scary pothole-fueled wipeout and collapsed in tears into the sympathetic arms of his team. Oh, for cripes' sake, I'm outta tissues--from now on I'm just keeping an extra box right next to my Euskaltel cap!
If At First You Don't Succeed Award: Egan Bernal. You can complain he wasn't up to winning form all you want--and to be fair, he's not only had ages of back problems, but blames his post-COVID weight gain and lack of training time to boot-- but what you *can't* do is complain he didn't honor the race, which he rode, at every opportunity in which his legs had an ounce of power, with the same grinta that won that man a Giro. Not the hugest fan of his team to say the least, but he did them proud!
Balance Is Restored to the Universe Award: oh, Euskaltel. After years of threatened and actual collapse, perpetual money problems, and just plain disrespect for your stellar legacy, our dear Carrots were finally awarded the Grand Tour spot they deserved. And while they didn't actually take a stage, they *did* light almost every one up by leaping into the day's break and attacking therefrom. Welcome back, beloved Carrots--and you better be watching and handing out your wildcards accordingly, Giro and Tour de France!
It's Not Easy Being Green Award: Fabio Jakobsen, dos! Yep, our resurgent champ finally showed his true sprinter colors by going ape!@#$ on his teammates when he lost their wheel and one of his lead-outs inadvertently took the win. Considering all he's been through, it was sorta endearing, actually--though I might not have thought that if I were Florian Senechal at that moment!
Big Blue Marble...In Spaaaace! Prize: Gino Mader, who promised to donate 1 euro to an environmental organization for every rider he finished ahead of at this year's Vuelta. And as befits the winner of the Young Rider's Jersey, Gino ended up donating a smashing 4,529 euros to save the planet. Chapeau Gino--we and Mother Earth all thank you!
Hard Man o' the Race: Mikel Nieve, who busted significant chunks off his face and body right out the start gate, and was still stitched and bandaged til he crossed the line at the final time trial. All that, while being (1) a once and eternal Carrot, of course; (2) a formidably indefatigable worker on the course; and (3) a fearsome road captain to boot. BikeExchange, *please* don't let this guy ever retire--hell, he's still like 50 years younger than Valverde!
!@#$ All Y'All Prize: well, it's not exactly a prize, but all you faithless Landa haters polluting the internet with your heretic filth can just go straight to hell. The man just won the Vuelta a Burgos, he's still hurt and exhausted from his stupid Giro crash which he did not even remotely cause, he stuck it out as long as he could until a brief attack proved he couldn't, and he was gracious upon exit to his squad. Landismo, beeyotches--just wait 'til next year!
Auxiliary When Life Gives You Lemons Award: no, you !@#$ers, Mikel's not the lemon--his crappy Giro crash and subsequent exhaustion from his bangin' overall win at Burgo is the !@#damn lemon. But nonetheless, with Mikel fading and ultimately retiring, Bahrain Merida above and beyond stepped up to the plate, with Damiano Caruso taking a huge stage win, Jack Haig--who was strong every damn day, and earned it--securing third overall after Lopez' ill-considered exit, and Gino Mader taking the young rider's jersey from Grand Tour champ and no small potatoes Egan Bernal. This, after they'd tired themselves for multiple stages helping Mikel along fair and square. Not a bad set of results even *without* losing your intended GC contender!
I'm Over *Here*, !@#holes! Prize: winning a Grand Tour stage is the pride and highlight of any young rider's career, and typically comes with all the hype, glory, and accolades that the feat merits. But spare a thought for young Clement Champoussin, who had the extraordinarily bad luck to fight off a surging GC and take a spectacular victory on the very same stage that near-lock-on-the-podium Miguel Angel Lopez missed a crucial split, went bull!@#$ after apparent orders not to chase back, and just plain climbed off his bike and quit the race in disgust after a screaming match with his DS. In return, poor Champoussin was left out high and dry in both social media *and* in the news reports. Can we just give the kid a podium-ceremony do-over?
I Guess I Gotta Give Him Something Award: oh Primoz. Three Vueltas in a row, 4 stage wins, two crashes and even balancing on that stupid railing on the rest day without injury--what more does one man really need? Still, he oughta get *something* here for his relentless stomping of his rivals, and his hilariously minimalist post-race interviews. Oh right, the red jersey--but even better, this!
And Last But Not Least, Punk-!@# Move o' the Race: yes, what happened with Superman Lopez--but not necessarily the way that you think. Fine, Lopez missed the split after knocking himself senseless winning the queen stage, and while that's just how it rolls sometimes, and barring physical or mental ailment was a total jack!@# to dismount in a hissy fit and bail outta the race virtually within sight of the finish line for the whole show upon realizing he'd lost his podium, Unzue apparently ordering him *not* to try to chase back to protect Mas I guess *and* screaming at him for being understandably pissed about it was jerkfacery on a whole 'nother level. Adding insult to injury, internal rival Mas was left to peacefully concentrate on the task at hand and was blissfully uninformed about what occurred until after he'd stuck with Rogla til almost the end and handily preserved his second place. C'mon, you would've paid to be at Movistar's team dinner that night--though I suppose it was probably lucky we all stayed out of the way of any flying cutlery!
Well dear Vuelta fans, that's this year's race done and dusted, so let's hand out the prizes, raise a glass to our noble winners, and...wait, get ready for Paris-Roubaix FFS?!
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