Okay, let's face it: with just three mountaintop finishes, this year's TdF course--particularly compared to that of the superior Giro or Vuelta--just bites. Still, it *is* the Grand Boucle, we're starting off with some spectacular intra-team implosions, and there *are* a few places for lively entertainment and even where the GC battle might get hot. So besides drunken naked freaks running beside them to mug for the cameras, excited dogs wandering unimpeded into would-be podium-contenders' wheels, and the inevitable smoke flares, what've the riders--and even the fans--got to look forward to? Let's check it out!
Week One: Mon dieu! Instead of some boring prologue or 160k slog for a foregone sprint, we're actually starting off with one for the puncheurs this year, with a windy parcours and a 3 kilometers hill at 5.7% at the end, which'll hopefully lead to someone totally unexpected donning the race's first maillot jaune. Allez--well, whoever's jonesing for a bigger contract next year! Stage 2: in another surprise, a hilly 183k with a double hike up the Mur de Bretagne and a 6.9% kick. Weakness may start to show here, gentlemen! Stage 3: ah, back to the *real* Tour--it's one for the sprinters, and Sam Bennett is--aw, crap! Anyway, good luck Andre, don't listen to all this stupid Cavendish hype, you hear? Stage 4: a 150k joyride for the sprinters again, with a chance of winds giving a mild hope for the breakaway that's sure to be frustrated. Dag nabit! Stage 5: a 27.2 kilometer individual time trial, not enough to cause serious damage at this point but definitely enough to scare the crap outta Roglic if Pogacar slaughters him again this early. Bon chance, suckeur! Next up, another one for the fast men to Val de Loire, a bit higher at the end than at the start, but hopefully nothing these guys can't haul their carcasses over. Painfully, we wind up the week with the longest stage in 210 years, a flat start to the 249k of pain then headed for the hills, with a 3,000m, Cat 2 finish up Signal d'Uchon. And no, you don't get a rest day yet!
Week 2: finally, some *mountains*! Stage 8 brings us a Cat 3, a Cat 4, the Cat 1 Mont-Saxonnex, the Cat 1 Cote de Romme, and a usually iconic ride up the Colombiere, whose otherwise GC-shattering potential will be utterly !@#$ed by the fact that the riders end by riding off it downhill. Well, you can always hope your rival can't descend for !@#$, I suppose! Stage 9: *now* we've got a mountain finish, baby, as the peloton gets back to Tignes after being shut out in 2019, covering the Cat 1 Col de Saises, the Holy Crap 12.6 kilometer Col du Pre', and, after a brief interlude to screw with your head, the 21k, Cat 1 Montee' de Tignes. Carapaz, if you're gonna bushwhack Geraint Thomas--and you know you are--now would be a good time to put him in his place. Next day's a rest day--or a good time to hide from your pissed-off teammate, depending! Stage 10 hands it back over to the sprinters, so Andre Greipel, now's a nice chill day to make your move, if you aren't already going to surprise and delight us on the Champs-Elysees (which he can so too either, so stuff it you haters!). Stage 11: a bit sadistically, it's a 198k stroll interrupted by a twofer hike up the iconic Mont Ventoux, yet another game-changing finish hosed by the final descent. What the !@#$ *is* this stupidity, already? Anyhoo, we're all set up for a Stage 12 bunch sprint in Nimes, with the possible problem of GC-cracking echelons, which probably means that spiky windmill Froome is gonna attack from the end of the neutral start and take 57 minutes on Rogla to grab the podium. C'est la vie, kid! Stage 13: though technically a flat stage, apparently it's unlikely to end in a big-bunch sprint in Carcassone, and with 219 k to play with, maybe a break'll make it stick. Well, stick it to Cav at least! We end the week with a hilly stage 14 for the power puncheurs, warming up for the Pyrenees with 3 Cat 2 and 2 Cat 3 climbs with a final descent off the Col du Saint-Louis. Alright, *now* would be a nice time for another rest...
Week 3: but you ain't getting one yet, as Stage 15 takes us back to the mountains, successful stomping grounds of Thomas "the Tongue" Voeckler, ending with the leg-nippy 6.4k, 8.5% Col de Beixalis--downhill, of course. Jaysus, enough already! After a rest day, the GC can recover yet again as the breakaway artistes take another turn--I started to say 'crack', but then I didn't want to curse anybody--with the Cat 1 Col de la Core just a bit more'n halfway, but a flat finish. Ouch! Stage 17: yep, another chance for the GC, as we amble up the Peyresourde--well, *we're* ambling, *their* legs are screeching--before a (yay!) mountaintop finish up the HC Col du Portet. Don't worry G, you've got another shot tomorrow--or if you've already blown it, now's yer opportunity for stage glory! Stage 18: last chance to finish uphill, as GC takes its almost-last gasp over the forbidding Tourmalet before the Climb o' Truth up to Luz Ardiden. !@#$in' hell, Kuss, you're supposed to *wait* for Rogla, not ditch 'im! Next, we got the second-to-last chance for the fast men, though not *quite* flat, on Stage 19. Stage 20: Almost home and *so* close to the top step in Paris--yep, it's yer potentially race-deciding final 30k ITT. Don't !@#$ this up Roglic! Finally, for whoever's not too ashamed to show his face after yesterday's soul-crushing debacle, it's the triumphant, champagne-swilling parade into Paris, where we love Andre Greipel will grab his last win on the legendary Champs-Elysees before retirement. Screw off, he can so either!
Welp, for better or worse, there's your 2021 Tour de France course. Best wishes to everybody, and Thomas, don't say I didn't warn you about yer teammates!
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