All right, though the outlook to this Tour may look foreordained, even this reliable circus can throw out (or throw up) a few surprises, and I can predict with 100% accuracy that if you're looking for inspiration for and guarantees success in a Tour de France online betting game, every single thing I say in here will be wrong. So having helped you win your millions (or an off-brand bidon, whatever), who've we got on tap? These guys!
The General Classification Contenders: yes, they're the stars, and from the field, and their own bangin' form this season, it looks damn near inevitable that one of these two will win: defending jailbait champion Tadej Pogacar, who rampaged on the penultimate day's time trial to take 2020, and so-close-but-no-Champagne Slovenian compatriot Primoz Roglic, who handled the whole catastrophe with grace and class. But life, and the Tour, is more than the endless random "Didja know Rogla was a ski jumper/Didja know Pogacar was a wombat?" exclamations every time the camera catches one of 'em on a nature break. Indeed, high among this year's list is self-proclaimed bottle-carrier/4-time TdF champion/all-time champion donkey-to-racehorse Chris Froo--all right, he's out of it, but it seems somebody oughta herald the cheating sonofa!@#$% before--whew, glad that's outta my system! There *are* other contenders though who may at least have a shot at the podium, if only because they gotta fill that third step with *somebody*: Richie Porte, who everyone is complimenting now but will inexplicably slag as the three-week stage race failure for a format he's never even pretended is his best the second he lags behind the lead group on Ventoux; Rigoberto Uran, whose shocking recent time trial win is gonna red-flag UCI like--well, honestly, nothing really red-flags those schmucks anymore unless some renegade scumlord overstretches his socks by 2 millimeters, does it?; and best of all, the spectacularly self-destructive four-pronged !@#%-it-up-on-the-road Ineos attack formation, which is theoretically united behind veteran Tour winner Geraint Thomas but is primed for treachery of truly Caesar-and-Brutus--or even more horrifying, Carapaz-and-Landa--proportions the second Thomas foolishly pauses to fiddle with his shoe at the neutral start. Geez, it's hard to know *who* to root for in that scenario! Oh, right, and Gaudu to crush the perennial (if fruitless) French hopes, new dad Alaphillippe to utterly exhaust himself and delight the entire race with his truly endless panache as he decides to focus on stage wins, and maybe Mas or Lopez to give Movistar a reason to say they're going for GC when what they're really looking for is the older'n-Moses Alejandro Valverde not to flip off the narcs too ostentatiously. Anyway, as underdog as this group gets, I'm rooting for Rogla, who came sooooooooooo, sooooooooo close last year!
The Stage Hunters: Between yer traditional puncheurs like van Avermonster to storm the breakaway stages, van der Poel to take whatever the !@#$ he wants and he's got the stylin' tribute jersey to prove it you hopeless weakling, former Great Tour de France Hopes like Nairo Quintana looking to justify their paychecks and recapture their prior glory, and canny young climbers looking to make their mark while the GC pragmatically eye each other like falcon on squirrel on the prestigious high passes, there should actually be a fairly good shot for a reasonably diversity of stage wins. With vets like PhilGil looking for a late-career pickup, how-can-you-not-adore-Chavito looking sprightly again, and Vincenzo Nibali likely to attack the more helpless descenders from behind on the multiple downhill finishes, I'm also looking forward to a veritable parade of geriatric-guys-way-younger-than-I flying the flag. And of course, if Pogacar and/or Rogla cracks, they've got some truly incredible lieutenants to take up the slack and bring their team back some accolades. Just don't help that process along by, say, shoving a bottle in someone's wheel, you hear?
The Sprinters: unlike the Giro, guys come here to actually try to sprint throughout the entire three weeks, instead of running home screaming to mama the second the word "Dolomite" gets whispered into their sleeping ears, because the Tour's just that kind of a showplace. And while there are many fine fast men in the race, none is taking up so inordinate a share of hype-to-likelihood-of-winning ratio than legendary Mark Cavendish, who, having charmed and thrilled the cycling world by recently winning two of the sort of "&*!@ races" he used to degrade the far nicer and still hugely prolific we love Andre Greipel for taking, and armed with a stellar lead-out, he really will manage to grab at least one I think. Of course, the Champs belongs to Andre. Oh right, and there's the fabulous Caleb Ewan--though I firmly maintain that the "Pocket Rocket" nickname belongs to the great Robbie McEwen alone--Demare, recent surprise speedster Merlier, spankin' new Italian road race champ Sonny Colbrelli, and that fast-but-not-a-pure-sprinter famous green jersey guy. With that burgeoning 'stache and the relentless joyful press-n-fan fawning, how can Sagan possibly lose?
The Teams: oh Movistar. It's so sweet, your relentless pursuit of this one! So what if those arrogant wankers at Jumbo-Visma are gonna take the whole thing? Other anticipated pleasures on my list--what the !@#$ is Vino gonna to do screw over Astana after his ill-timed termination, and how long before nice Tao Geoghan Hart has to break up a slap-fight between the other team leaders at Ineos? Porte, stay outta there--that Carapaz looks innocent, but he'll !@#$ you up!
Well, there's a few key players, all of whom will almost certainly be upended, if recent age trends are any indication, by some kid more recently accustomed to wearing diapers than an actual grownup chamois. Fans, good luck with your fantasy Tour team, and Ion Izagirre, go on and grab a coupla stages for Gorka's sake!
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