Yes, the catastrophic cluster!@#$ that is 2020 continues, but now, with even more cycling, so there's that! So what happened in that venerable October staple, the Giro d'Italia, and elsewhere in cycling since the riders last collapsed into their beds, and what's possibly maybe sorta to come? This!
1. Nope, it sure wasn't just Yates--yep, the remaining peloton was decimated on a dime when both the Murder Hornets and Michelton-Scott bailed outta the race in their entireties the very next day, taking Jumbo's reigning 8th place GC contender Steven Kruijswijk with them, along with other corona positives like Michael Matthews and a pile o' staff for Skineos and AG2r. Meantime, Jonathan Vaughters at EF, apparently still under the hallucinogenic effect of whatever crap they were taking when they came up with that team kit, wrote a letter to race honcho Mauro Vegni begging him to cut off the race, threatening to preemptively pull the team, then 'clarifying' they were staying in and he still hoped the race would make it to Milan. Not if you keeping pissing of Vegni it won't, for you anyway!
2. Peter Sagan redeemed himself after a loooooong year's losing streak with a splashy, smashing solo breakaway stage win, and, in lieu of his traditional crowd-pleasing celebratory "wheelie," celebrated by rolling over Arnaud Demare's head instead. Ouch--but hey, you're adorable, everyone but Arnaud forgives you Peto!
3. Jakob Fuglsang, in hot competition for Most Hated Man in All Italy, and having apparently stuffed Astana's publicist into the luggage compartment of the team bus before opening his yap, proceeded to graciously thank his hosts in a daily write-up, commenting how pretty the South was despite the inbred barbarian residents, throwing in a gratuitous mafia reference for good (well, bad) measure, only to follow up with a sincere apology, after receiving considerable backlash, to "the inferior people who were somehow offended and the backwards crapholes they live in." *Much* better, Jakob!
4. Elia Viviani. *Just* when you thought the race could hold it together this year, and Elia was looking in improving body and spirits after a bummer year, a race moto seemingly missed the part of the training where they tell you "FOR !@#$'S SAKE DON'T HIT THE RIDERS" and, yes, ran him down. Luckily, he wasn't as hurt as you might expect, though his hopes for the stage win were dashed. You know, Elia's not a big guy, but I still wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of 'im--maybe reassign that moto driver to a safer job, say, buzzing through an angry hungry lion pack?
5. Speaking of packs, it's beyond me why the hell Deceuninck-Quick Step inexplicably changed its name to "Elegant" ahead of the down-and-dirty hunting grounds of Flanders, which they promptly lost, of course, after missing sign-in entirely because they were running late after being measured for waistcoats and spats. Damn, maybe the whole annoying "Wolfpack" mentality really *does* serve us better, after all!
6. Alaphilippe. Yes, the Van Aert/Van der Poel showdown was fun, but cripes, this guy is either blazing in his new World Championships jersey or *completely* !@#$ed up in it. So relieved he wasn't hurt worse in that moto crash than his still-horridly-sucks two broken fingers--wishing you a speedy recovery, Julian, and perhaps a little equilibrium in the off-season!
7. And as for the groundbreaking *women's* Flanders, they--what, we can't even see it live? *That'll* increase awareness of these amazing athletes and their incredible sport, you weasels! Marianne Vos, now that you've a whole squad of Murder Hornets at your command for next season, I imagine that's going to be fixed but quick!
8. JAYSUS H. FECKIN' CHRIST, MASKS GO *OVER* YOUR FECKIN' NOSES WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING SCREAMING ALONGSIDE THE RIDERS, WHAT DO YOU THINK THOSE HOLES IN YOUR FACE ARE FOR, SPOUTING PYROTECHNICS AT A METAL SHOW YOU !@#$WITS?
9. I can't believe this bears repeating, but next nimrod lighting a green smoke flare for the gasping riders to suck in on an excruciating climb gets it rammed down their nimrod throat. Do you *get* it now?
10.You did *not* see baby Giro debutant Joao Almeida in pink for the second rest day. Liar! And my, if he stuck his tongue out any farther yesterday he'd've been a frog catching flies with it. Grinta!
11. So far, the weather is holding, which bodes well for the Vuelta a Espana. That, and Yukon Cornelius and the Abominable Snowman have reportedly been called in to clear the climbs in the Basque Country. Now don't forget the winter gear--those twee little climbers will turn into tiny icepicks!
12. Whaddya *mean* Mikel Landa's off happily riding his mountain bike while he's too injured to ride the Vuelta?!
13. Lest you think the Giro's letting the riders off easy this year, so far they've popped a *ton* of riders for--uh, grievous offenses like littering, drafting, and public urination. Glad the sport's taken on its problems head-on!
14. Tao Geoghegan Hart. Can people just cut him a little slack now?
15. Hmm...maybe I *didn't* give Kelderman enough credit. With a domestique like Jai Hindley performing like he did yesterday, it's honestly hard to see how this guy can lose!
16. Please don't hurt me for saying that, Nibali--we're still rooting for a major shark attack in the coming week!
All right folks, on to the truly decisive mountain stages and, of course, tomorrow's start of the Vuelta a Espana. Wait, what the !@#$ ?!
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