January: 2013 Vuelta a Espana winner Chris Horner fails to land World Tour or Pro Conti gig, consumes world-record 367 Big Macs in single setting for consolation; former Tour de France/World Champ Cadel Evans retires, kicks crap out of fan for petting his dog; Cav responds to journo's unwelcome question about doping in cycling by suggesting his wife is banging someone else. Classy!
February: UCI threatens to strip Astana of WorldTour license due to constant doping violations, Vino pops out of team bus with syringes, blood bags, unidentified vials in grocery bags, screams "THAT'S BULL!@#$, I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!"; Tinkov hypes Contador Giro-Tour double as money-pit Sagan woofs early Classics season; Nibali already ignored as potential Tour GC contender, Krazy Glues trophy to top of head, *still* ignored.
March: Implosion at Casa Tinkoff as Contador, Sagan blow early season, Bjarne Riis' !@# is *fired*, baby!; total clowns at UCI respond to report excoriating current doping controls as useless by testing...uh, everyone's *bikes* for *motors* at San Remo; vicious Stage 5 storm at Tirreno-Adriatico freezes riders into solid block of ice, Cancellara scheduled to be thawed out in 3015; Sagan finally takes first win of 2015, Oleg Tinkov breaks kneecaps with bike pump anyway; Cav drops chain, chews new one out of crashed rival Elia Viviani's to take win anyway.
April: UCI won't strip nice clean team Astana's World Tour after all, as Vino almost chokes Brian Cookson with his puppet strings; Valverde wins second consecutive Fleche-Wallone, barely escapes being busted when visible scrape on legs reveals entire circulatory system contents replaced with highly-classified black-market rocket fuel; Alexander Kristoff grabs Flanders as Oleg demotes4th place loser Saganator to bottle-beeyotch.
May: It's time for the fabulous Giro d'Italia, honey! Astana assuages UCI doping worries by having minor domestiques take combined 16 stages by time-shattering margins; anointed Sky sensation Richie Porte docked race-wrecking 5 minutes for missing sign-in when mani-pedi, pore-cleansing facial, custom nose-hair trim in spa on private motorhome runs late; Contador secures Giro title despite mercurial Tinkov removing entire rest of team from race to rake leaves, redo landscaping at expansive Russian dacha. Good to know you support 'im, Team Tinkoff!
June: Oh Yeah, It's the Road to the Tour! UCI bars Chris Froome from using personal motorhome for Tour, Froome's flailing spiky elbows scare everybody else on squad from rooming with him anyway; Oleg can't decide whether to support Alberto or Sagan for Tour de France, locks 'em in medieval armory shrugging, "they'll figure it out"; Nairo Quintana solves likely Alejandro Valverde bushwhacking problem by...nope, nothin' he can do, he's !@$ed!
July: It's the Not-Since-Pantani Giro-Tour Double, baby! Contador loses disatrous 1 minute 3 seconds in first week of race, Chris Froome graciously shows continued respect by using Alberto's team kit as post-stage snot-rag; ; Froomey enraged by systemic doping allegations, whines that "marginal gains" helped team complete entire 3-week route by end of Stage 14; women ride inaugural La Course in rain, snow, tornado, volcano, tsunami and once-in-a-millenium superstorm before army of 50,000 soigneurs dispatched to dry off entire final *men's* stage course with individual linen hankies. Oh, and you're !@#$in' winning me the !@#$in' Tour de France next year if I have to run behind you personally sticking you with a cattle prod every !@#$in' meter of the entire !@#$in' race, get it Alberto?!
August: Woo-hoo, It's the Beautiful Vuelta a Espana! Clean-team denizen/reformed ex-doper Tommy Danielson gets popped for drugs, again, shocked clean-team boss/reformed ex-doper Jonathan Vaughters professes "I thought he'd get it right this time"; Mikel Landa offers to support Fabio Aru in Vuelta a Espana "just like I did in the Giro d'Italia," sensible Aru demands that Vinokourov immediately terminate Landa's contract; Vuelta organizers promise to weigh down Chris Froome's back wheel with 46 kilograms of lead pellets "so someone has a chance to win this year against those Sky freaks." *Now* we've got ourselves a race, folks!
September: End of of Vuelta/World Championship time! Nibali ejected from Vuelta after Vino launches him into stratosphere with trebuchet; triumphant Peter Sagan bags men's road race after total !@#$ season, Oleg rewards by immediately slashing salary by 3 million euros a week; British legend Lizzie Armistead nails women's road race, rewarded with huge increase in pay in form of $25 Dunkin' Donuts gift card. On to the terrifying late-season holy-crap-I've-got-no-2016-contract season!
October: BMC buys delusional would-be Tour de France team leader Richie Porte in apparent bid to pointlessly piss off Tejay Van Garderen; sportsman-o'-the-year Paul Voss sucker-punches Federico Zurlo in Abu Dhabi sprint altercation; Oleg Tinkov guarantees desperately-desired 2016 Alberto Contador Tour win by...well, hiring Peter Sagan entire squad of high-end domestiques. I *told* you to get the hell away from that nutjob, Alberto!
November: Mark Cavendish awarded honorary Ph.D. in groundbreaking Theory of Argy-Bargy Cheap-Shots; Froome vows to release physiological data scientifically vetted by crack team of Vogue Magazine accessories editors; WHERE THE !@#$ IS WE LOVE EX-EUSKALTEL IGOR ANTON'S NEW CONTRACT, !@#DAMMIT?!
December: Team camps begin! Team Tinkoff debuts new controversial "maillot jaune" team kit so Froome can't look like the only actual Tour winner in 2016 anyway; exultant Sagan practices popping wheelies on Alberto Contador's head; Sky reassuringly has entire team's physiological data expertly analyzed by world-renowned troupe of 10-year-olds with Christmas-present chemistry sets. Good to go for 2016, baby!
Well folks, that was the year that was--let's hope that 2016 is a whoooooooooole lot less embarrassing!
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