Tuesday, September 09, 2014

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest-Day Dos Roundup! #LaVuelta

Yes, a lot's certainly happened in our dear Vuelta since the first rest day, hasn't it? And we've still got a week of this glorious freakshow left to go! So before we get week 3 of this party started, let's review:

1. Somewhere--and it pains me deeply to say this--Purito Rodriguez is hunched over an espresso muttering to himself, "!@#$! Those guys were supposed to be at the Tour!"

2. I don't think it's fair to suggest Alberto Contador, Purito, and Alejandro Valverde shoulda collaborated to drop Froome because they're all countrymen. They shoulda done it 'cause he's gonna knock one of the three of 'em off the podium!

3. Okay, Valverde's performances creep everybody out. So Alberto "Broken Leg" Contador and Chris "Flails Like He's Been Tasered" Froome's don't?

4. Froome--lift your damn head up, you're glued to that damn power meter like some robot! Oh the other hand, it *does* appear to be working...

5. Sorry, but scrawny cyclists in shiny little spandex outfits are just *never* gonna look tough, no matter how hard they slap at each other. Two Girl Scouts drunk at a bar, now *that's* a fistfight!

6. While we're at it, the first rule of Fight Club is: don't do it in front of the cameras, dumb!@#!

7. Purito didn't "punch [Philipe Deignan] full in the face"--he "accidentally touched him." With a balled-up fist. To the face. At high velocity. So *that* explains half the peloton riding around with split lips all the time, all that accidental touching! Socks to the mouth, slap-fights, wheel-whangs...oh, how I miss the gentility of the Robbie "Head-Butt" McEwen days!

8. Damn, Pozzato. Either go back to posting daily lurid selfies or liven up a stage already--you can't not do *either*, for heck's sake!

9. Shut up. Samu's just reserving his energy for the final mountain stage. Bite me!

10. That was a nice little ride there the other day by Fabian Cancellara. But I still want Tommeke to stomp him at Worlds!

11. If I were Brambilla or Rovny, and Purito *doesn't* get kicked outta the race if he actually pulled this !@#$--well, let's just say, Purito, you might want to keep your guard up next time you ride with these guys!

12. I think the boys are all trying just a liiiiiiiittle too hard for the daily "Most Combative" prize. What's next, siccing a freakin' pit bull on each other?

13. Don't !@#$ with this guy. I mean, would *you* !@#$ with this guy? Hell, he might even scare his boss Oleg!

Well, them's my words o' wisdom (oh cut me some slack you wisenheimers!). If I missed anything I shoulda gotten, speak up or forever hold your breath 'til Contador makes it through the time trial!

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