Sunday, April 08, 2012

Unbegoddamnlievable Boonen!

Don't lie to me, you lying liar who lies: when Boonen took off with fifty k to go, and then was hovering around 20 seconds, then around 30, then it seriously looked like he was stuck out there, you were screaming "No! Don't! Don't! What the !@#$?!" Who did he think he was, Cancellara? No, he was Tom !@#$in' Boonen, and he just spit out the rest of his competitors and crunched out more time on each cobblestone like a stone-chomping monster. And when he began giving thumbs up to the cameras and flashing a big fat "four" starting at like 4 k out, don't tell me you weren't thinking, "No no no no no! You've cursed yourself! You've just karmically conjured some dumb-!@# spectator to trip into your path! The velodrome is gonna warp beneath your wheels!" Well, it's not the first time I've been proven an eejit, but I must say it's about the most thrilling--and to you know who you are who even suggested for six seconds that it's a really miraculous turnaround this year, you're in serious danger of goin' straight to serious heck with the daisy-stompers and baby-noogiers, and anyway, I told him to go back on the blow first! Here, like you didn't just see it anyway: Quoth Boonen, "When I was all by myself in front, I just went for it as I know there are often disagreements behind over who is going to do the work. It's my greatest win. Claiming the fourth in such manner is just great." Tooooooooooooooooooommmmmmm!

In other post-race news, I see the Italian tifosi have already surrounded Pippo Pozzato's house with pitchforks and flaming torches for completely calling it a day the very second he crashed, so I hope they at least wait to hear if he actually had a good medical reason besides simple total psych-out before they light up his house, what crap luck for a phenomenal peloton-splintering Chavanel, congrats and happy retirement Guesdon, and Thor Hushovd--you are *extremely* in the dog house for that stupid crap dipwad bunny-hop debacle--and on Easter Sunday, shame on you!

Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!: Finally, for those of you who think you're excused from making a pilgrimage to the giant bronze statue of Samuel Sanchez in his hometown and spray-painting your entire house black-and-orange to honor the Euskaltel gods, I'd just like to point out that our boy not only made his rivals blubber for mercy taking the queen stage but that he also blazed in the nasty uphill time trial *and* bagged the overall in the Tour of the Basque Country, all on a salary (and total Euskaltel budget of what Boonen) apparently tips the napkin-boy at breakfast. Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!


Rosemary said...

Yay Boonen!

Jez Andrews said...

Boonen, what a machine!! The king is back.