Kohl-d As Ice

The Curse of Cadel Evans: yes, unlikely '08 Tour King of the Mountains Bernhard Kohl is the latest chump who's positive for CERA, but for my money it's really crap news for stolid ever-the-bridesmaid Cadel Evans, as his new ticket to the top of the podium after Popovych pulled a three-week bonk on him this past July is already on his way to having his spankin' new contract with Silence-Lotto "annulled" and leaving our hardworking if dull hero without the support he needs in the high passes yet again. Damn, like the KOM race wasn't lame enough this year without Mauricio Soler, now the clown who managed to beat the weak-!@# competition couldn't even pull it off without stuffing himself full of drugs? Pathetic. At least with Rasmussen on the juice up there we'd still have had a race worth watching! Anyone else thinking Bernhard's only honest accomplishment is in making Hans-Michael Holczer quit cycling in shame and disgust today, rather a shame perhaps given all he's done for the smashing Rebellin? Anyhoo, all is not lost for the canny boys who dosed themselves sensibly enough to avoid detection but are now too afraid to try it again, as luckily, one of the high honchos of the Tour de France has himself announced recently that when it comes to autologous blood doping, there ain't a test on the horizon to tease proof of it out. Now that oughta lead to a surfeit of happy peloton skankballs for next season!

Team Weaver: speaking of minor peccadilloes, I see cyclingnews is reporting that quasi-repentant Simoni-dissing crybaby wanker Riccardo Ricco' was turned on to Danilo DiLuca's adulthood pediatrician Carlo Santuccione (who apparently didn't learn in his neonatal rounds that CERA is in fact detectable when injected a week ahead of time) by none other than a former Saunier Duval team director. But as T-Mobile and (please please please please don't let this be true) CSC have taught us, and as we've all been so heartily reassured by the fine folks at WADA and UCI, we all know this must just be a freak anomaly rather than any indication of the existence of systemic team doping practices....

Presenting the 100th Giro d'Italia, I Mean, the !@#$ing Lance Armstrong Show: finally, as even the non-cycling sports press has reported by now, a rapturous Giro d'Italia and Lance himself have announced his attention to take on the corsa rosa, and I gotta ask, what the hell are they thinking? Whether he's in it merely for a training ride for the Tour or to give himself an out if Contador kicks his !@# two months later (because the idea that Lance's insatiable ego'll let him actually *work* for the child is, frankly, ludicrous), he's utterly defiling one of the most beautiful races on earth by suddenly claiming his eternal love for and career-long desire to win a race that during his actual career he tossed off to his Italian and lesser domestiques like someone else's snot-filled Kleenex. And the tifosi? A pretty decent handful looking forward to his return, if only to watch their beloved innocent fairy prince Ivan Basso kick dirty doping Armstrong off a precipice in the Dolomites (and come to think of it, perhaps that's worth the price of a ticket to Italy after all), the hardhearted beancounters delirious at the amount of dough the Armstrong publicity machine is gonna bring into their hometowns, and the rest gone absolutely Postal at the idea that the 100th Giro d'Italia is gonna basically ignore the Italians on their own turf on their own anniversary in favor of some overhyped American Tour de France slut. Guess which view I favor?

Look at this. Look at Hampsten on the Gavia in 1988, and listen to his account of the day and tell me this ungrateful bull!@#$ing Tour-whore Armstrong deserves to ride this race. Aiiiggggggghhhhh!