Sunday, August 03, 2008

Hints From Heloise

(Well, Ricco'): so as Riccardo Ricco' issues a yipping (if informative) mea culpa in his desperate effort to become the next St. Ivan Basso of Varese, and loyal roommate Leonardo Piepoli, having reportedly tossed his captain under the bus by first proclaiming "I am like Ricco'" to the gendarmes and then denying he took anything at all unlike his cheating skank captain, it seems to me that Ricco's little confession offers some valuable tips for the rest of the riders should they themselves get busted (and God knows they're gonna keep needing 'em):

1. Taking EPO for an entire Tour is a "youthful mistake": Sort of like being an hour late for curfew one night and briefly making your parents worry you've been in a car accident, except with precisely-calibrated IV drips, clandestine trips to prestigious university medical clinics, huge payoffs through dummy bank accounts, and months of strategic planning.

2. You might want to tweak the testing protocols, because I should really have tested positive *every* day: !@#$ if I'm gonna be the only sap in the peloton who goes down for this!

3. I acted alone: because I'm really, really praying I can score a ginormous deal with a deep-pocket better-microdosing team when my two-year ban is up. Anyone want to suggest any names?

4. You get really tired riding the Giro clean, so you have to dope for the Tour: 'cuz as long as you don't embarrass yourself on Italian soil, who cares if you screw the French?

Peking Duck: yep, the number of riders continuing to bail on the Olympics (not including such inadvertent exclusions as world champ Marta Bastianelli, busted for taking a banned diet supplement--and after Jan Ullrich got so relentlessly !@#$%-slapped as a fat lazy cycling-hating pig every year every time he put 5 kilos on in the off-season, can we really blame her? after all, her cycling fed doesn't!) continues to rise, as Thor Hushovd claims lingering illness (bad timing considering Credit Agricole's tank, tho' I hear Lotto could use a sprinter if you don't mind getting ignored on the team bus like the most uncoordinated kid being picked last in gym class for the dodgeball game) and Damiano "Not Tonight Honey, I Have a Headache" Cunego withdraws from lingering, if rather weird, effects from his nasty late-Tour crash in the Big Show. You know Damiano, perhaps you just oughta use this time to reflect on your recent years' struggles and triumphs--you took your Grand Tour already, there's really no shame and truly quite a bit of glory in copping to being a Classics man!

The Tifosi Weigh In: needless to say, the Italian faithful are already placing their bets for the Olympics, tantalized by the Bettini-Rebellin combo o' foreigner-crushing death, rushing to offer the tenderest best wishes for a speedy recovery to the same Cunego they've been pounding on as a heinous failure since he took the Giro, still pissed that basically every Spaniard on earth is riding the Games while pouty-lipped pin-up Ivan "I Only Tried to Dope" Basso is still stuck at home for what who gives a rat's !@# if he did it or not, and, in the very essence of good sportsmanship and bitchy nationalist smirking, warmly congratulating Alejandro Valverde, his dog Piti, and Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes for his win at Clasica San Sebastian yesterday and any impending victory in Peking. Forza we love Paolo Bettini!

Freak-!@# Cycling Quote o' the Week (Jan Ullrich Gone-But-Not-Forgotten Edition): "pointless, magic squander, pumped my cycle as smartly as Jan Ullrich jazzing through the Tour de France. My climax quickened the..." (From Woman: An Intimate Geography, by Natalie Angier)

Welcome Back, Doper: finally, a warm welcome back to Operacion Puerto victim/Manolo Saiz protege (like you know who! except this boy got nailed) Michele Scarponi, who returns to the peloton at the Giro dell'Appeninno by apparently defiling we love Gilberto Simoni's Diquigiovanni squad, like Gibo doesn't have enough problems with his association with that moron Ricco'. You might amp up the bawling-and-kissing-babies gig now Michele--without Basso's dreamy hotness or Millar's ostentatious sobbing (or either of their palmares, while we're at it), you've still got some serious rehab work to do!


Anonymous said...

You manage to make even the depressing news funny, thanks for that!
Keep up the great work, huge fan of your blog!

Anonymous said...

Any comments regarding Gusev's dismissal from team Astana? I am shocked that any rider of Johan's would be let go for "irregular blood values". Isn't internal doping programs supposed to take care of this stuff before we get wind of it? I am surprised that he is the first casualty at Astana because I didn't expect that team to have any public doping problems.