All righty, Cycling Year 2021 is now just a fond-ish, if also deeply weird, memory, and it's time for a fresh start to the year! So, without further ado (and I know both my faithful readers are used to a lot of ado from me), It's Yer 2022 Cycling Year in Preview!
January: Team kits 'n' team camps! UCI forces Jumbo-Visma to immediately destroy all 10,000 pairs of iconic black-and-yellow "Killer Bee" team kit and replace with English Springer Spaniel-patterned kit "because we're UCI, and we can"; EF still can't decide on final kit design, Lachlan Morton announces "!@#$ it, we're all going 'au naturel' this season" because he's Lachlan Morton, and he can; Patrick "I Support Women's Cycling" Lefevere debuts new ladies' Wolfpack kit consisting of hoop skirts, corsets, ruffled petticoats, and parasols; Ineos to Roman Colosseum for to-the-death gladiatorial battle to decide Tour de France team leadership between Bernal, Thomas, Carapaz, called off after Thomas, Carapaz eaten by lions. Oh well, that decides it I guess!
February: warming up for the big guys! Omloop het Niewsblad renamed *again*, entire peloton accidentally competes in some random guy's "Omloop het My Driveway"; outrage at Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne as cobbled sections replaced by "Slip-n-Slides"; Vuelta a Andalucia postponed for second consecutive year as Miguel Angel Lopez refuses to defend title until given preferred flavor of lollipop.
March: *Now* we're crankin'! Max Schachmann repeats overall victory at Paris-Nice as snotty rivals underestimate him, *again*; van Aert pips Alaphilippe at line at Milano-Sanremo as Julian catches sight of self in moto mirror, stops to scrutinize, trim goatee. Don't forget yer Seven Deadly sins, Alaphillipe!
April: Woo-hoo, it's Cobbles, baby! Paris-Roubaix delayed by 24 hours when entire peloton belatedly realizes "oh !@#$, it's *not* in October again this year?"; Sagan takes home the men's prize as rivals hallucinate from sight of Team TotalEnergie's psychedelic rainbow kit; Arenberg restored to women's race as Marianne Vos singlehandedly lifts entire cobbled section and sets it down 1 kilometer from neutral start. Victory is hers!
May: It's the Giro it's the Giro it's the Giro! Mikel Landa evades crashes with specially modified "Ejector" saddle, accidentally shot up into lower Earth orbit, lands safely to take the final maglia rosa in Milan; Giro Donne extended to 21 stages, moved to proper month in road calendar as peloton decides "if we can't have a real Grand Tour in July, we can at least knock one out in May;" Dumoulin takes one stage, second overall because I'm not gonna root for anyone but Landa but geez, that nice boy deserves *somethin'*. Well done Dumo!
June: yeah, it's the run-up to the Tour! Controversy at Belgian national road championships as Evenepoel demands that van Aert, Theuns carry him on their shoulders the entire course in golden palanquin; Pogacar, Roglic preemptively attempt to decide Tour de France winner via arm-wrestling match, thwarted when realize that as cyclists, neither one of them can arm-wrestle for !@#$. Okey-dokey, battle it out on the road it is!
July: What else? Marianne Vos rides every men's Tour de France stage before breakfast while guys are still shaving their legs and applying makeup to suspicious needle holes; Cav flips off Lefevere, joins Tour squad, takes 4 sprint stages, green jersey, Lefevere derides as Cav as "loser"; fans banned from Alpe d'Huez over crowding, COVID concerns, soigneurs dispatched with unleashed dogs, uncontrolled toddlers, neon banana-hammocks, and Viking hats to shove climbers, throw warm beer, urine on rival teams' GC riders. Dodge that, Pogacar!
August: the Vuelta begins! Red leader's jersey reverts to old gold one because that arrogant Tour de France shouldn't dictate what the Vuelta does; Landa sensibly decides on Giro- *Vuelta* double; Thor Hushovd wins Arctic Tour of Norway because IDGAF he retired like 15 years ago, I still miss him in the peloton !@#dammit!
September: It's the Vuelta it's the Vuelta it's the Vuelta! Oh right, and the Worlds. Euskaltel takes all mountain stages, decides to ride, win 2023 Giro, Tour, Vuelta mountain passes immediately after end of race "so we can just chill out and enjoy the summertime next year"; Anna van der Breggen bails out of Dutch team car to grab bike on course from startled van Vleuten, takes 3rd world road title; Filippo Ganna DQd from time trial victory after breaks sound barrier, escorted out of Australian airspace by fighter pilots.
November: Last gasp for contracts! Bernal signs with Movistar til 2032 in violation of existing Ineos contract on grounds that "cripes, I really can't stand that squad either"; Ineos introduces new "hexadent" leadership strategy, unfortunately leaves no domestiques available for any of next year's Grand Tours; entire Astana squad out of contract as Vinokourov signs complete contingent of 25 mini-Vinos secretly grown in unregulated lab.
December: Time to chill! Bahrain-Victorious delivers entire container ship of bubble-wrap to Landa for Christmas, assigns 28 staff members to roll him up in it for 2023 calendar; Toms Skujins corners entire world potato market with 2022 stage winnings, supplants Jeff Bezos as "World's Richest Man", offers Mads Petersen 35 million euros for side gig as personal frites chef; Chris Froome joins "Dancing with the Stars", drops out on night of premiere from "unnamed tropical illness" after disastrous dress rehearsal. Ugh, can't it be 2023 already?
Well folk(s), them's my predictions, and woe unto the eejit who bets against 'em--and riders, don't say I didn't warn you!
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