Yes, it's almost Thanksgiving in America, that deeply troubling holiday whose contradictory ideas of gratitude and shameful atrocity we can only assuage by watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, gorging ourselves into an overprivileged, pants-unbuttoning stupor, watching giant overpaid padded jocks crash into each other for our perverse enterntainment and their almost certainly latent future permanent injury, and trying not to nut-punch Uncle Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist when he belatedly informs all 30 people he's just infected that he's refused to be vaccinated because of something some !@#$wit former MTV host pulled out of his !@#, all before a frenzied next-day internet spending spree buying crap we don't want or need but can't get anyway due to problems with the supply chain. Ah, the holidays! Anyway, we've nonetheless got a lot to be thankful for here at racejunkie--at least in our happy little bubble of pro cycling fandom--and of course a few we're not, so let's get crackin' dear reader(s)!
Things We're Thankful For:
1. The Giro d'Italia 2022 Course. With several intimidating mountain stages, about 4 smashing mountaintop finishes, and a puny less than 30k of time trialing--and some of that even hilly!--there's even *more* to love than usual about this year's Corsa Rosa. Frankly, it's almost Froome-ishly tailor-made for we-dearly-love-so-you-faithless-haters-can-just-!@#$-right off Mikel Landa. Now Bahrain, you encase that fragile boy in a mile of bubble wrap and cocoon 'im with teammates so no-one can take him out in some stupid crash next May, you hear? And play him some happy music and keep any stupid demoralizing comments outta the press, while you're at it! And buy him a teddy bear! And...
2. Holy crap Elisa Balsamo is the new road World Champ!
3. Holy crap Alapanache is the new road World Champ!
4. Euskaltel. Didja see what a nice season they had this year, didja? And with an annual budget of Peter Sagan's one-night benders, no less! My little orange heart near bursts with excitement when these wee things take a flyer on the steeps. Aupaaaaaaaaaaa grandes and let's make our case for the World Tour in 2022!
5. Movistar. Yeah, you read right! Why? Because their inevitably !!@#ed-up Grand Tour tactics--no matter who they have as riders in any given year--are a flat-out gift even to teams that don't nearly look so strong for GC on paper. That, and Mikel escaped Team Craphole, so why should I care what happens? Keep it up, kids--but do let that wily ol' guilty-pleasure battle-ax Valverde bushwhack his team leader in peace for at least one more Vuelta stage!
6. Patrick Lefevere. Down on your luck? He's got your back--albeit with a knife in it. Surging with a career-capping, record-tying, press-thrilling string of prestigious victories absolutely no-one thought you might be capable of anymore? He's first in line to remind you that you *still* suck! And don't even get me started on the utterly reprehensible analogies he'll make when you bail out for your old squad after he's humiliated you in the press all season. Stub your toe, poor baby? Well, put a !@#$in' ice cube on it, give me back all my contract money, and just be grateful I'm not dropping a Paris-Roubaix cobblestone on yer head, you ungrateful piece of !@#$! Here, let me pose with that trophy of yours...
7. Women's Paris Roubaix. It may have taken over a century, and they may have cut out the legendary Arenberg--alarmed by all the uteruses that scattered the roadside after the delicate ladies tried it out on a recon ride, apparently--but still, it's great to have one at last! Only other gripe: yes, I *desperately*, *desperately* wanted GOAT Marianne Vos to take it, because if she doesn't ever get to because of a stupid twist of fate and bad timing, it'll be a horrid, horrid shame. But now, there's always next year--you got this Marianne!
8. The Giro Donne. It's in the World Tour, it's outta the World Tour. It's broadcast, it's not broadcast. But the closest thing we've got to a real women's Grand Tour is one of the most beautiful races on the planet, and is indeed back in the highest ranks for 2022 where it belongs. Minor issue: it's scheduled the very same *month* as the Women's Tour de France. Giro-Tour double, anyone?
9. Peter Sagan's Publicity Team. Drunk off his !@# and socked a cop in April, and it didn't even become public until November? Damn, that's some nice work. Bet Tom Boonen wouldn't have minded that kind of help a few years back!
10. And Last But Not Least: My dear reader(s). Over a decade--geez, like 15 years!--of dreck and obnoxious tweets, my relentless apologism for randomly favored riders, and miraculously, and generously, you--whether singular or plural--have somehow, somewhy stuck with me. Thank you ever so much, and here's to a smashing 2022!
And A Few Things I'm Damn Well Not:
1. What?! Mikel Nieve honest-to-God doesn't yet have a contract yet? He's an ex-and-ever-Carrot! He's a phenomenal mentor to whippernapper riders! He's only 37--that's like 6 in Alejandro Valverde years! He won a humungous mountain stage in the 2018 Giro for chrissakes! #HireMikelDammit you clowns!
2. We love Andre Greipel retired this year. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
3. We love Anna Van der Breggen retired this year. Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
4. The Women's Tour de France. Yap, I'm grateful, yap. But it's not like they can't handle 21 stages--there's an entire group of van-supported women who've been racing the *entire damn course* *every damn year* ahead of the men, without a billionth of the adulation that Lachlan Morton gets. Can we just concede they all aren't witches or whatever stupid sexist medieval crap is holding this up, and get this *entire* show on the road? Y'know, !@#$ it--let's just expand the Giro Donne first, and get a women's Vuelta underway!
5. What?! Mikel Nieve honest-to-God doesn't have a contract yet for next year? Yes, I *know* I'm repeating myself--but this !@#$ing *sucks*. #HireMikelDammit or burn in hell--or have to listen to Evenepoel whine about how oppressed he is, whatever--for all eternity!
Well folks, them's mine. Whatever you celebrate, or don't, this fine holiday season, let's skip the stupid American football, crank up some 'cross, and wait for Sagan to dish up more sleazy gossip this year!
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