Good morning. We're here today in this isolated, empty hotel conference room to address these scurrilous allegations against us/courteously maintain proper social distancing/so you don't throw stuff at us. First, we'd like to thank Dr. Freeman for his exemplary service to the team/doing exactly what we told him to do all along/lying his #$% off to the narcs. Second, we'd like to unequivocally deny that we ever gave our riders any banned substances whatsoever/point out that you hypocrites knew exactly what we were doing all along/make the ridiculous assertion that these were the rogue actions of a depraved lone wolf. Also, we were were really hoping you'd be distracted by all the lurid testimony about the witnesses' lack of sexual potency/the pandemic/whatever far superior !@#$ the 'new generation' is obviously mainlining.
As to the purported 'evidence' itself, there was absolutely nothing suspicious in the fact that those two key laptops conveniently went missing/the data files were erased by a spy-agency level computer specialist/some guy in a Skineos jacket blasted a hole through them with a Howitzer. Regarding the alleged 'jiffy bags', they were clearly just innocent little snack bags stuffed with Goldfish crackers and a cheery note from Mum/to carry the riders' phones in their pockets so they wouldn't get all sweaty and gross/post-race Haribo gummies in the wacky and totally coincidental shape of testosterone nut-patches. Further, any improvements in rider performance, particularly any untoward "donkey to racehorse" gains of people who were clearly acting on their own without any clearance ever from us, were entirely due to the lavender sachets we tucked into the boys' bedlinens to lull them into a relaxing night's sleep/the particularly strong espresso provided by our peerless team barista/some truly rhino-stunning amounts of cutting-edge drugs.
Finally, we'd like to affirm that we are absolutely committed to clean and transparent sport/going to throw some neopro you've never heard of and we don't care about under the bus instead of the glaringly obvious culprits/going to make our highly-paid lawyers drag this !@#$ out til everyone involved has turned to dust and we're all onto the next disgusting scandal. Thank you, and good day/so long, see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya/!@#$ off!
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