Y'know, I was gonna do my traditional "Year in Review" post, too, but in the end, one month of "Tour Down Under" then 11 months of "Oh, !@#$ !" seemed just too grim. But it's a whole new year, everyone's been busting it to make it as safe and normal a year as possible--and yes, I'm aware that amounts to "still !@#$ed"--and it's time to cover what will be! So mark my words--tho' I wouldn't give 'em any actual credence--and let's get to Yer 2021 Cycling Year in Preview!
January: Team camp time! "Wolfpack" air-dropped into Yellowstone National Park in elk costumes to see if they can outrun the real deal; Bahrain-Victorious changes name to Bahrain-ForGod'sSakeLet'sNotCurseLandaWithThisStupidNameBeforeTheSeasonEvenBegins; Ineos-Grenadiers double-dog-dares riders to lick cold aluminum pole in battle for Grand Tour leadership. Hope you got legs, 'cause you ain't got a tongue any more!
February: The season ramps up! Riders at Tour of Oman hydrated by blasting fire hoses in lieu of bidon hand-outs due to social-distancing concerns; Kasper Asgreen fails to defend 2020 Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne under mistaken belief live racing is on hold, misses whole show by hooking up bike trainer to nonexistent Zwift course instead; Sagan posts video of himself wheelie-ing down Alta Badia giant slalom course, beats World Cup leader Alexis Pinturault by 39 seconds. Ready for the Classics, I see!
March: The cobbles begin! Spectators, press, non-necessary personnel barred from Paris-Nice, 2016 champ Geraint Thomas claims win, saying "how the hell would you know? You weren't there to see it anyway"; torrential rain at Gent-Wevelgem turns Kemmelberg into giant wave, Peter Sagan surfs fan-club sign to victory; Cav takes Milano-Sanremo when Wolfpack hunts down, devours defending champ Wout Van Aert. That's about the only thing that'll stop that kid, anyhow!
April: Nothin' but Classics, baby! Arenberg cobbles purloined sometime during 2020, Paris-Roubaix quickly re-routed to some guy's suspiciously lumpy new driveway; Paris-Roubaix women's ra--aw, we know *that's* not gonna happen, peloton greeted by big UCI sign saying "NEENER NEENER!"; Alaphilippe sweeps Ardennes by sneaking on to courses night before, painting fake finish lines for Primoz Roglic, causing him to raise arms in victory prematurely. Take *that*, beeyotch!
May: It's the Giro it's the Giro It's the Giro! Riccardo Ricco' granted one-time reprieve from lifetime ban, busted in sting operation when mistakenly confuses watermelon Slushy bought from some guy outside a 7-11 for legitimate blood bag; Elia Viviani sweeps sprint stages after Cofidis teammates slash tires of every dumb!@# moto within 50 meters of him; Landa wins Giro after Movistar chases down GC rivals in usual pointless act of self-destruction. Viva Mikel, viva il Giro!
June: Pre-Tour prep time and Road nats! Riders arrive to quarantine ahead of Tour-bubble lockdown, drink entire year's national Champagne output in two weeks; Alexander Vinokourov crowned surprise Kazakhstan men's champ because "if you don't like it, *you* go tell 'im"; Toms Skujins wins Latvian men's road race, misses podium ceremony when distracted by nearby frites truck.
July: It's the Grande Boucle, honey! 3-year-old Belgian toddler in debut road race wins Tour de France GC because "damn, that !@#$ is getting better every day"; Pogacar-Roglic rematch results in shared Lanterne Rouge when mark each other too closely, miss time cut on stage 1 by record-breaking 14 hours 28 minutes; riders solve rescheduled Olympics/Tour de France conflict by running screaming all the way to Tokyo when realize they have to climb Mont Ventoux *twice*. And what the !@#$ do you mean the Giro Rosa isn't a WorldTour race, you sick freaks?!
August: Are we still racing? It's the smashing Vuelta a Espana, baby! Sturdy Classics guys who benefited from 2020 Vuelta reschedule to November vaporize in brutal Basque mountain heat, no riders left to take on cobblestones next April; Kuss gets bored waiting for exhausted Roglic, pulls over for a nap, wakes up in 2023 and still takes stage win for self; Euskaltel sweeps podium after at least getting invited to *this* race, fer heck's sake. Aupa grandeeeees!
September: Time for the World Championships! Mads Petersen summarily awarded men's road race on finish line "because he never even got to show off his World Champion stripes last year"; van Vleuten new women's road champ despite being incapacitated by broken wrist, strained hamstring, swollen kneecap, severe gout, and chronic hangnails; Filippo Ganna first human to break the sound barrier by non-motorized transport during men's time trial, located 2 days later in New Zealand.
October: Il Lombardia, honey! Beloved "Race of the Falling Leaves" becomes "Race of the Falling Ice Shelf" due to freak El Nino weather pattern, race organizers decline to invoke extreme weather protocols, Nibali chisels way out to victory three weeks later with mangled seat stay fragment; women's peloton storms UCI headquarters, threatens to openly discuss menstruation and other scary lady stuff in front of board members, cowering misogynist ninnies immediately declare three-week women's Giro, Tour, and Vuelta for 2022. Victory!
November: Transfer season! confusion as Marc Hirschi linked to UAE, Ineos, Cofidis, AG2R, Manchester United and New York Mets; van Vleuten decides to ride solo with only small handlebar bag for support in 2022 "just to keep things interesting," still takes top of World Tour rankings; Froome to--!@#$ you haters, I am so still riding!
December: Team Kit reveals! 83 percent of 2022 races called wrong because no-one can tell every team's boring identical blue kit apart; Androni-Giocattoli ditches much-critized over-logoed 2021 outfits by demanding riders get all-body sponsor tats instead; EF replaces weird 2021 duck motif with kits made of actual, living ducks, riders repeatedly pulled off-course in 2022 by kit lunging after bread crumbs thrown by rival teams' soigneurs. Maybe we'll just make it a nice, simple blue kit next year!
Well dear reader(s), there's yer 2021. So buckle up, cross yer fingers we actually get and stay going this year--and don't say I didn't warn you!
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