It's Yer 2020 Cycling Year in Preview (Yeah, You Read Right)!

Yes, 2020 is finally here, so it's time for the riders to preen in their dashing new team kits, the mechanics to swap out their old sponsors' superior components, and the crack electricians to get started wiring the mo--uh, spankin' new espresso machines into the team buses.  So what can we expect from Road Season 2020?  This!

January: Team camps begin! 4 Cofidis riders seriously injured in rap-video mishap; Ineos boys tour new plastic-baggie sponsor's factory; Alberto Contador announces new bike line SBNA (Shoulda Been Nicer, Armstrong); Qatar debuts "Holy !@#$ It's Hot Out Here 100," entire American gravel delegation welds permanently to tarmac. Hey, they needed an iconic cycling statue over there anyway!

February:Classics prep! John Degenkolb triple-dog-dares Greg Van Avermaet, Peter Sagan into facial-hair-growing contest, all three eliminated for season in training crashes when elaborately styled moustaches tangle into derailleurs; Movistar demands iconic Koppenberg cobbles be replaced with giant marshmallows. Still won't win on 'em, though!

March: Classics time! Entire Quick Step Wolfpack hunted down, eaten by UCI Team Jurassic Park's reconstituted alpha-predator Tyrannosaurus Rexpack; Milano-Sanremo's cancelled landslide-covered Poggio climb back on when Andre Greipel climbs off bike, uses pinkie finger to clear 840,000 metric tons of boulders, debris from road with one poke. Go go Gorillaaaaaaaaa!

April: Oh yeah, it's more cobbles, baby! Alaphilippe completes Fleche-Wallone hat trick when other riders figure "lay off him, it's not like he's gonna win the Tour de France anyway";  Sagan wins Paris-Roubaix while writing autobiography, scuba diving in the Bahamas, commentating Giro d'Italia and assisting fan in labor on roadside to deliver baby girl while popping wheelie across finish line.  Take *that*, van der Poel!

May: It's the Giro it's the Giro it's the Giro! No contenders for maglia ciclamino as confused sprinters all show up for defunct Amgen EPO Tour of California instead; Landa tricked into skipping Tour, riding Giro despite record number of time-trial kilometers as race organizers assure him "crono" really means "giant pile o' super-steep mountain stages;" Nibali takes GC after shocking selfie-stick-wielding nimrod out of way with cattle prod on brutal stage 20 climb to Sestriere. Ah, the sweet (tifoso) yelp of victory!

June: pre-Tour preparations! Flailing arachnid Froome to secluded barnyard to cheer up lonely pig with witty web messages, lays egg sac, 400 mini-Froomes emerge in time to swarm France, terrorizing arriving peloton; Alexander Kristoff out of Tour when gains 64 kilograms in one week due to UAE nutritionist's controversial "barrel-o'-pork lard" diet. Oh, well, who wants the Champs-Elysees anyway?

July: It's the Grand Boucle! Women's peloton dons wigs, pornstaches, completes 14 stages before someone figures out "hey, that's not Viviani in that sprint"; Egan Bernal fails to defend Tour de France title after new teammate Geraint Thomas generously offers to do his laundry, mistakenly uses itching powder instead of detergent for 21 consecutive days, causing extremely distracting irritation in sensitive areas; Olympic women's road race shortened to 50 yard loop around parking lot because "the hell with Mount Fuji, you delicate flowers can't possibly even handle *this*." !@#$ all y'all!

August: The fabulous Vuelta begins! Extreme Weather Protocol invoked, Stage 4 cancelled after Belgian UCI exec opines, "my, it's hot out here!" as Stage 6 Ice Age-inducing meteor strike wallops peloton; Fundacion Euskadi bags 13 consecutive high-mountain stage wins; Primoz Roglic stripped of second consecutive title for whanging journalist who asks him about his prior sporting career upside head with custom 10-foot jumping ski. Ouch!

September: It's the Worlds, baby! Toms Skujins 50 meters from historic World Championship road race win when distracted off-course by passing frites truck; UCI declines to broadcast "boring" women's race in favor of endless-loop 6-hour repeat of empty pre-race men's podium, Vos, van Vleuten commandeer camera moto, satellite feed, race entire thing again for swooning fans worldwide. !@#$ all y'all!

October: Late-season roundup! Operation Dumb!@# nabs 13 Austrian cyclists who all retired in 1989 anyway; Nibali takes Il Lombardia after declaring "FFS, we can't let that geezer Valverde back on the podium"; Landa announces 5 year contract with some ungrateful team that's going to screw him, *again*.

November: Vacation time! Ineos to unnamed doctor's house for three-week do--uh, dodgeball tournament; Vino sends Astana boys to "WHEREVER THE HELL I TELL YOU TO GO, !@#DAMMIT'; AG2R heads for fun in the sun at--aw, it's not gonna help 'em, wherever it is!

December: Team kits revealed! Quintana debuts--wait, is he still even *riding*?; EF infuses LSD into psychedelic fabric, entire squad on massive trip during promotional photo shoot; Jumbo-Visma team runs screaming when manufacturer delivers kit made from actual bees. I said "look like" them, numbnuts!

Well, there's your Year in Preview--onwards to 2020, and don't say I didn't warn you!