Yes, it's nigh about Thanksgiving in the US, where we celebrate our shameful colonial past by gorging ourselves with such venerable 17th century feast-staples as sweet potatoes with tiny marshmallows melted on top and a Doritos casserole recipe we found on some health-destroying godforsaken Big Agribusiness website, waiting to see if the giant inflatable emoji balloons soaring over 5th Avenue in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade are gonna break loose and terrorize the elves on the Santa float, quarreling politically with our !@#$wit relatives we have NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER OF CONVINCING EACH OTHER WE'RE RIGHT AND THEY'RE !@#$WITS, watching giant steroid-stuffed Hulks whang into each other painfully in football games for our sick enjoyment for the grotesque enrichment of a privileged few, and, oh right, taking a moment to reflect on what we are truly grateful for this year. So what, in our beloved sport of cycling, merits our love and gratitude this year (and a few what-doesn'ts)? This!
1. Euskaltel rising, again. Right on Mikel Landa!
2. One more year for we love big lug Andre Greipel. Go gooooooooo, Gorilla!
3. The bad-!@# women of the peloton calling bull!@#$--on harassment, abuse, crap wages, and general disrespect--throughout the sport. All Hail the Queens!
4. Team Skineos' house-o'-marginal-gains cards finally starting to fall down. Though it's not like the sport hasn't been spotlessly clean since Operacion Puerto went down!
5. The beautiful men's and women's Giro (well, Giri). Now make the women's race longer dammit!
6. The Vuelta. Arid, gorgeous, and *steep*. Aupa Euskadiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
7. The continuing tradition of riders raising their arms in triumph only to be pipped at the line by a wily--and dogged--competitor. How else can us armchair strategists feel smugly superior to those who actually *get* their !@#es off the couch and *do* stuff all season?
8. Nairo Quintana to Arkea. Hell, now Valverde doesn't even need an *excuse* to bushwhack 'im at the Tour!
9. Domestiques. No, their job ain't pretty. But every stunning sprint victory, every thrilling GC-deciding mountaintop upset, every dream-destroying echelon split is because of *them*. Thank you, brave and talented souls--you know who you are, even if most cycling fans don't!
10. The ageless Alejandro Valverde. Because I basically have no soul.
11. Cross season. 'Cause how the hell else would we survive the excruciatingly long dry spell between October and January?
And a Few I'm Damn Well Not:
1. Mikel to Bahrain-Merida. !@#DAMMIT, this kid needs a !@#damn break!
2. Paranoid conspiracy theories o' the week. Froome didn't really crash. Froome *did* crash, but really only needed a little Spiderman Band-Aid. When Froome crashed, he got wicked bad road rash, and his true praying-mantis creepy exoskeleton was shockingly revealed to all. Aw hell, I *am* thankful for all this !@#$!
3. The Amgen EPO Tour of California is 'on hiatus'. Forget the damage to US cycling--how else can you repeatedly use the words "EPO" and "cycling" in close proximity without getting sued by a prominent rider, or team?
4. The British Cycling/Team Sky doping scandal. Seriously, did I *need* to see testimony about whatsisface's, well, gentlemanly stamina problems, and his wife's secondhand but forceful denial of same? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Well, dear reader(s), them's mine. So Happy Thanksgiving, and I raise a drumstick to you all--that is, if that greedy !@#$ I'm sitting next to doesn't selfishly grab it first, as usual!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
