It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Tres: the Climbeurs, the Roleurs, and the Sprinteur(s)!

Okay, we got the course.  We got the crazy-!@#, anything-goes GC.  So who's *not* going for GC but *is* going for some mountains glory, the breaks, and the wholly out-of-place sprints?  These boys!

The Climbeurs: Yes, the Izagirres are there to shepherd Lopez.  But *damn*, can these brothers climb, and *geez*, do they deserve a shot of their own during the Basque Country stages 11-13.  Mikel Nieve, set to back wee Esteban Chaves but a Grand Tour stage winner in his own right and an oldie-but-goodie.  Euskadi-Murias is rightly all in for Oscar Rodriguez, who's had an incredible season and !@#dammit I don't want him poached by some sucky non-Basque squad next year!  Hey, anyone else seeing a distinctly Carrot-tinged theme here?  Damn straight, this is the Vuelta, pal! From Movistar, whichever two tines of the trident get their feelings hurt when Unzue declares them lunchmeat.  Maybe even the all-terrain Tejay, if the stars align. And Little Puma from Cofidis. Aupa Oscaaaaaaaaaaaaar!

The Roleurs: we ain't got that many breaks in this Vuelta, but dang, we've got some heavy hitters to ride 'em.  Quick-Step's last dance with Lotto-bound veteran Philippe Gilbert. Astana's LL Cool Sanchez, who seems to take a stage win in every Grand Tour he rides in.  Degenstache and Haagen-Dasz. Thomas De Gendt.  Dylan Teuns.    Might as well leave the Wolfpack on a high note, Gilbert!

The Sprinteur(s): Look, Sam Bennett and Fernando Gaviria, and possibly Jon Aberasturi aside, most of these guys have already run screaming home and are hiding behind their momma's skirts.  But there is some surprising additional firepower, mainly from Classics guys with the power to be fast on an uphill finish, who also coincide nicely with the Roleurs.  The mighty Degenstache.   Edvald Boassen Haagen-Dasz.  Luka Mezgec, a little Michelton-Scott diversion from the Chaves GC fight.  As for the rest of you studly braggart fast guys--well, there's not *too* much shame in cowering elsewhere til the Vuelta is over!

All right, I've thrown you all what bones I can, but we all know it's all about the Carrots, past and future.  No offense to darling little Chaves, but screw the GC you're working for--aupa grande Mikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel, and let's get to the mountains already!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Dos: the GC Contenders!

Frankly, I've had enough of teams and riders treating the fabulous Vuelta as the last choice on a filet-mignon-lobster-limp pile of yesterday's suspect shellfish buffet.  But lucky for us, enough bangin' climbers *do* consider this enough of a playground that we've actually got a real race here, so bite it, haters!  So who've we got (and not)?  These guys!

1. The absent: Let's get this outta the way: last year's reigning champ, whichever Yates that is, is not defending his title.  Ingrate!  Also absent: Chris Froome--either recovering from a grotesque injury or laughing his nuts off as he hides his millions in a nameless bank at an undisclosed Caribbean hideaway before he disappears entirely off the grid before the narcs can bust his !@#; Tom Dumoulin, still recovering both from an actual injury and a bad breakup with Team Sunweb (though already on the rebound with Jumbo Visma); Romain Bardet, nursing a crappy dispirited end to his season and hopefully refreshing for next year; and Mikel Landa, who as you all know should've set this as his season objective instead of the Tour de France.  Last year's podium finisher Enric Mas. Dan Martin, who surprised darn near everyone I imagine with his 2020 move to ICA.  Okay, enough space blown on the lazy no-shows--on, in no particular order, to the players!

2. Nairo Quintana.  Honestly--Arkea-Samsic?  WTF is*that*?  Anyway, since he threw the fans into a total redemption frenzy just by not passive-aggressively sucking wheels on 1 outta 21 stages at the Tour for chrissakes, he'll probably win it just to punish Unzue for COMPLETELY CODDLING HIM FOR YEARS WITH NO RETURN and to piss me off.  Argh!

3. Richard Carapaz: he won the Giro, most politely.  He's Ineos-bound, so he might as well enjoy his career while he can before it inevitably flames.  He did well at the Vuelta a Burgos.  And, he doesn't owe Quintana a !@#damn thing.  If Nairo doesn't sabotage him and Valverde feels like helping, he's got a fighting chance.  If not, you can certainly count on a stage win!

4. Alejandro Valverde: wait, now hear me out!  He's wearing number 1 with last year's top two staying home.  He's *won* this race before.  And lest anyone still around from the 13th century when he was born think his age is still a problem, we got PhilGil over there signing a new (well, re-new) gig with Lotto 'til *he's* older'n Moses, so who sez geezerhood is an obstacle?  Plus, he is one *wily* s.o.b.  Downside: his tendency towards catastrophic one-day meltdowns.  Just don't lose your !@#$ in the mountains, Bala!

5. Miguel Angel Lopez: yeah, I *know* Jakob Fuglsang is riding for Astana.  But this is Miguel's terrain, he's won stages at the Vuelta before, *and* he's got both Izagirres to stomp the field into submission in the high Basque passes.  Just don't forget to let one of those boys take a stage win Miguel!

6. Primoz Roglic: beats me how a freakin' ski jumper is suited to the brutal sun of the Vuelta climbs, but here he is, and I expect a decent--if not necessarily winning, because I can't fathom the certainty the rest of the internet seems to have on this point--show.  We'll see if he can hold on for three weeks--and if Kruijswijk's legs don't pose a threat from his teammate!

7. Esteban Chavez: He's been *tired* this season, no?  with occasional flashes of excellence, and a recent boost to his self-esteem from his Giro d'Italia stage win.  Let's hope he can keep up the excellence part, and end up with a *reason* for being so smiley!

8. Rigoberto Uran: Yeah, me neither.  But he can sure aim for the podium, and EF's backing him up with a bangin' squad.  And really, *wouldn't* you love it if he surprised us all?

Alrighty, them's my picks--and yes, UAE's Aru and Pogacar are riding, too.  So with just the stage hunters to round up, c'mon, let's get this show on the *road* already!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Uno: The Course!

Yeah, I *know*, the Tour didn't suck this year.  Champagne popped, alright? But *now*, it's time for the *always* smashing Vuelta a Espana, where the serious climbers come out to play, the roleurs come out to crack like walnuts when they realize a "breakaway" stage is an every other races "I'm completely !@#$ed" stage, and the sprinters, well, they just cry until their empty husks are bundled into the team car at the side of some sun-baked HC beast and they're tucked in for their defeated flights home.  Woot!  So what've we got on tap for our enjoyment and the riders' downright misery?  This!

The Time Trials: ugh, a cowardly, shameful part of me is almost (not actually, go to hell!) glad Mikel's not here, so at least he can't get screwed *again.*  There's two: a 36k individual time trial on Stage 10 that starts (and startles) the specialists with an uphill almost right out the gate, then proceeds with a couple 'nother deceptively nippy lumps before the final 4 k or so plateau, and every flyweight's nemesis, the team time trial on Stage 1, which actually at 13-odd k you'd hope wouldn't hose anyone you care about before the race even begins, but then again, famous last words, the GC's been gobsmacked by less.  Just--*please* don't let those twitchy legs derail you the first day, gentlemen!

The Sprints: hey, quit laughing!  There's allegedly six, which are sadistically scattered mostly later on about stages 3, 4, 14, 17, 19 and 21, either to make those lazy flat-landers suffer completely needlessly through mountains they can't get up without a ski lift until the very last damn day, or to--well, that's pretty much the only reason I can think of!  Bonus !@#$-youlerry--Stage 17 from Aranda de Duero to Guadalajara, though theoretically mercifully after the second rest day, is also by far the longest stage, at 219 kilometers. This ain't no foregone prance around the Champs with all (well, both) the other fast men you started with--good luck making it to the last one, or even past Stage 14, suckers!

The Rollers: 2, 5, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? The breakaways, the breakaways, yeeeaaaaahhhhhhh!  By contrast to this relative sprint fest, there's a mere 4 "hilly" stages, which means that all the Classics guys looking for a late-season playground are gonna realize as they're excitedly ramping up for their inevitable win that they've actually got about 58k to go and dammit, it's all uphill. On the plus side, it *is* the Vuelta, so there's a significant chance the GC guys will be saving their firepower and/or their post-finish line utterly gutted projectile vomiting for another day, and at least one of your little gruppos will be allowed to take a victory.  You go, boys--no, seriously, *go*, because if you all start d*cking around after 5 1/2 hours out front and get caught 500 meters before the line, there *will* be DS hell to pay!

And Finally, The Mountain Stages: yes, the Alpe d'Huez is *big*. And it's iconic.  But it's not *here*, so forget the freakin' Tour already and look towards what the Vuelta *really* has to offer, which is gradient, sunbaked high-altitude desert, gradient, spontaneous human combustion, and *gradient.* First, we ease on down the road with Stages 7, which gives you a pan-flat introductory 80k before tossing a few easy Cat 2s and Cat 3s yer way before the nasty final climb to Mas de la Costa, and 9, which throws you helpless roadies onto 4 k of gravel before the final climb to Cortals d'Encamp, only to completely !@#$ your mojo up with the first rest day and the Stage 10 idiot individual time trial immediately thereafter.  Having totally destroyed your legs by design, welcome to a triumvirate of agony on Stages 11-12-13 in the beautiful Basque Country, with "light" mountain stage 11 making you do a stupid circuit, Stage 12 welcoming you on a steep downhill to Bilbao after a tightly-packed and surprisingly leg-snappin' pile of Cat 3s, and a truly brutal Stage 13, dragging you up and down for 159k like a miserable self-propelled rollercoaster til the HC ending up Los Machucos. Wait, won't that *completely* blast out all my energy in the middle of my race for no reason, leaving me with squat in the tank for Stage 15's 3 Cat 1s plus a bonus new mountaintop finish to Santuario del Acebo, and Stage 16's later-stage pain caves, much less the absolutely monstrous and purportedly decisive Stages 18, with its frightening shark's-tooth profile and a mean little uphill to the finish line, and 20, which while on paper not overly formidable does not give you a single flat meter to chill on and is still enough to screw the GC if you're one gel--or ill-timed mechanical--short?  Yep, that's the plan, Stan--why they decided to play devil's advocate--or hell, just plain devil--with the Vuelta's main attractions is beyond me, but hey, at least *we're* gonna enjoy watching you from the comfort of our sangria-lubricated homes! 

Well, there's your course for 2019.  So while you digest (and if you're about to be riding it, regurgitate) that, let's get ready for what's next up In Preview: Yer GC Contenders!  Because really, do I *need* a whole damn post about the sprinters for this unforgiving race?