The Sky Is Falling (A Lot)! Gorilla Glue! Tom Thumb! Purito! Degen-kold-stone-killer! A Danged Mess for the Roadies

Carnage on the Cobbles! Well, it was a crash-filled finish--and a crash-filled road to get there--at the venerable men's Gent-Wevelgem this morning, as Sky boys were flying into ditches or into concrete all over the road, the race kept stopping dead around mid-group pile-ups, and Cancellara and half the other strongmen who looked to thrash it out for an incredible sprint were caught behind a road-diving Tyler Farrar and his collateral damage Andre Greipel, who remarked thoughtfully of his likely broken collarbone and certain screw outta the rest of the Classics, "It's not normal. Fuck." A man of few yet effective words, that Gorilla! Already riding wounded but nonetheless grabbing an impressive fifth: thumb-smarting big Tom Boonen. Triumphant or at least still standing: a victorious and always-underrated John Degenkolb (and a very lively reaction from his team car), Demare, and a really bummed (for the second time this week alone) Peter Sagan. On the women's side (and only the third edition of the race for them at all): an upright finale, so you gents might want to take some stability tips from the ladies, and a road-rippin' finish for US's Lauren Hall. Woo-hoo Hall and Degenkolb--and Sky, whatever the hell happened to Ian Stannard and the rest of you, I hope you're taped up pieced back together pain-medsed and back in action soon! No video of the women's finish as usual, but at least we got the podium, and where those guys with high heels tiny skirts and lots of lipstick are is beyond me: And here's the men's action:

*Now* Can They Get Some Hot Cocoa?: meantime, over at the Volta a Catalunya, the half-frozen Grand Tour contenders finally made their way in over a nasty 8 circuits, with Purito Rodriguez takin' the whole show despite a desperate final attack by Contador while Alberto and Chris Froome still enjoyed the lion's share of the attention, Alberto got the reassurance of clutchin' his few extra seconds over Froomey, and Froomey still gets to lord his 2013 win over Alberto ahead of July. I'm callin' that just about even! Now, the trippy tribute to last-stage winner Liuwe Westra:

Screw You, UCI!: and, a giant "bite me!" to UCI for bamfoozling poor Pippo Pozzato, still confused by UCI's picky new rules over when you can and can't evade the cobbles for the nice smooth roadside, which might've come in handy, say, today if he and the furry Luca Paolini hadn't gotten jerked to a stop behind a mass pile-up at Gent-Wevelgem. What's next UCI, no more sneakin'in a forbidden late-race bidon or hoping your aero position hides you from the helicopter cameras while you draft for twenty minutes behind someone else's team car? Oh, just rip the very spirit of sportsmanship outta the sport, whyndontcha...

And, Yer I'm-Gonna-Regret-Puttin'-This-Up-On-The-Internet-Someday Pic o' the Race: Fran Ventoso, a tad scraped(but luckily not a bit broken) after Gent. Dang, I hope it's legal for this guy to take an aspirin!

It's the Abominable SnowClassics!; and, Baby Schleck on an Upswing

Watch Out, Big Boys!: well, if there was any doubt that Peter Sagan was ready to win a big race, presumptive Classics kings BMC Quick Step and (thanks to Fabian) RadioSkank are scared straight now: the boy not only had the strength, but even seems to be developing a little tactical sense this week, to take a snow-snapped Gent-Wevelgem. Speaking of which, am I the only one totally pissed at how Thor Hushovd's going this season? Time to earn your damn paycheck o "God o' Thunder!" As for Tommeke, it looks his 2012 win streak has totally gobsmacked him out of any luck whatsoever this season. Dagnabit! Of course, the Terminator finished off in grand style, this time wielding an imaginary lasso and popping a trademark wheelie across the line. Sure, he's cocky--but doesn't it still make you want to smack him a lot less than when Contador pulls that "Pistolero" crap? Here, poor Tom:

Woo-hoo, He's Saved!: meanwhile, just as I was about to drop a bucketload o' mercy and resolve a Voluntary Rider Insult Moratorium on sad-sack bar-fly Andy Schleck until he finished a race, he *did* finish one this weekend by golly, coming in a respectable 57th out of 60 at Criterium International at only 22 plus minutes back. Start quakin', Alberto--after all, you're the one knocked out with the sniffles this weekend! However, I really do wish him a total physical and mental recovery for July. But it ain't still gonna help if you don't learn to descend and time trial, Andy!

Et Tu, Wiggo?: thinking of Chris Froome, who took the stage and GC from teammate Richie Porte at Criterium International on the last day, am I the only one thinkin' that Brad Wiggins actively wants to !@#$ over Froomey at the Tour by saying he now plans to ride the Vuelta as well as the Giro? Sure, Wiggins, he maybe tried to pull a Cunego to your Simoni at the Tour de France--with a ton of ungracious whinging at that--but you still couldn't surpass 'im with this year's parcours so why be a bitch about it? Either help or stay home, and just upstage 'im in France with your rock-band entourage or somethin' instead!

Gent-Wevelgem--Semi-Classic, All-Bitchin'!

Tommeke Tommeke Tommeke!: yes, he may be sportingly pegging Cancellara for Flanders and Roubaix, but ya gotta say (aw rats, *now* I've cursed 'im), after his wins at E3 Harelbeke and the bone-rattlin' Gent-Wevelgem this weekend, resurgent pinup Tom Boonen's lookin' preeeeeeeety sweet out there! Meantime, we're clearly seeing the more annoying side of Mark Cavendish losing the Edit button on his internal word processor, as he wanks away about losing a wheel on the Kemmelberg like it was that guy's fault and not just taking his lumps for being the fastest man on the planet (not a bad thing to be, by the way) but descending for less'n squat today. Giant bonus points for the mellow Edvald Boassen-Hagen for whacking an assclown who drove him sideways in the sprint and, especially, for the announcers at Sporza for having, so far as I could tell with my doofus American nonlanguage skills, an approximately five-minute argument on how to pronounce "Tyler Farrar." Here, the fabulous Tommeke finishes it off: Ga Boonen!--and if Google Translate just made me insult your grandma, sincerest apologies big guy!

Cadel Evans: Saving BMC's Butt Since 2010: and, congrats to defending Tour de France champ/hardworkin' new dad Cadel for a well-earned win in the Criterium International, even though Jens should've won it but clearly Johan Bruyneel has destroyed the career of everyone from CSC/SaxoBank ever, which just goes to show that Andy Schleck oughta start cryin' in his beer, and/or Frank's, right about now. Just hold out for a Tour without a time trial, Andy--I'm sure they'll fix the course for 2013!

Euskaltel Takes Off: last but not least, I'd just like to point out that while Albasini actually won the Volta a Catalunya, it was Samu Sanchez for the win ahead of the bunch sprint no less on a genuine wreck of a stage 6, and, since I'm gonna gloat all season every time they win anyway, we might as well get started right now. And speaking of Euskaltel, what the !@#$'s the sponsor wailing about making 'em change their team kit next season--don't fix what ain't broken you goons, I like their Halloween team kit just dandy!