It's Yer Super-Quick Pre-Tour Guide to Peloton-Speak, Part Deux! #TdF

Well, you've got the first round of pre-Tour de France smack-talk down pat, so what's that leave us with? *That's* right, a whole *new* week's worth of bloviating, bluster, and total bull!@#$ from the GC contenders for July, and more! Ergo, Yer Super-Quick Pre-Tour Guide to Peloton-Speak, Part Deux!

Chris Froome: "I'm looking forward to the showdown on the Alpe d'Huez" = "Pay no attention to that button I'm clicking on my handlebars"

Esteban Chaves: "I'm so happy to be here!" = "DIE, MOTHER!@#$ERS, DIE!"

Richie Porte: "Some teams really didn't want me to win" = "I Rode For Froome All Last Year And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"

Alberto Contador: "The sensations are good" = "Now if only my own team doesn't !@#$ me like last year"

Mikel Landa: "The team is sending me to the Tour de France so I won't be going to the Vuelta this year" = "I'll ride for a freakin' development squad to get out of this craphole"

Nacer Bouhanni: "I'm feeling good" = "I haven't broken my hand on anyone's jaw yet"

Alejandro Valverde: "I think my form is improving well for next month" = "They'll never !@#$in' pop me again, so maybe I'll try for the green jersey this year"

Peter Sagan: "I work really hard to do well every race" = "Did you *see* me in the mountains last year? You're *all* my b*tches now!"

All the Riders: "I appreciate all the work the organizers put in to make the race safe for everyone" = "No !@#tty old barriers that stick out at the feet, don't !@#$in' plow in to us with a moto, put a !@#damn flag on the road furniture, it's not rocket science you !@#$wits!"

UCI: "As a result of the team's two doping positives immediately prior to the Giro, Bardiani is being severely punished with a six-week suspension for the whole squad" = "Take all the dope you want! Here, have a shopping bag! Wait'll you see the !@#$ we've got for the U23 kids! Hey, for 20 euro a pop we can get you a vial of clean urine you can snug up against your nuts to fool the testers with..."

And, now that we're all enlightened--listen to what these guys are *really* saying, and pay attention every danged day til the Tour!

My Fantasy Team Astana/UCI Press Conference

Alexandre Vinokourov: Good afternoon. We're here today to discuss UCI's controversial decision not to strip Team Astana of our WorldTour license, despite a string of doping busts that make the entire US Postal squad look like they were just poppin' a few Tic-Tacs for some extra race-day pep. First, I'd like to say, NEENER NEENER NEENER! Further--(aide taps him on shoulder, hands him phone)--dammit, I *told* you only to call me on that untraceable disposable cell phone! No, not *that* !@#$, the *other* !@#$! (hands back phone)--I'd like to point out that I've been firmly assured by UCI that this decision had absolutely nothing to do with my omnipresent screaming threat to rat every other team out and bring the entire !@#$ing hypocrite WorldTour down with me if I have to spend one more !@#$ing minute listening to this total hypocrite scapegoat bull!@#$ about *my* squad. Right, Brian?

Brian Cookson (smiles brightly): That's right, Vino! This decision had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that this entire sport would collapse, *again*, if you actually followed through with your threat!

AV: Additionally, the UCI's decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the incredibly powerful Tour de France organizers looking like a pack of complete incompetent !@#holes if the TV coverage every day had to run embarrassing Landis-esque recaps of why the 2014 Tour champ Vincenzo Nibali of Team Astana wasn't there to defend his title. Right, Brian?

BC (smiles brightly): That's right, Vino! This decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the Tour de France looking like a pack of incompetent !@#holes when the TV coverage runs an endless series of reminders why the defending Tour de France champion isn't there!

AV: Well, at least we never injected baby formula into our veins or whatever weird quack-doctor !@#$ Van Avermaet or whoever was accused of doing, ha ha! Finally, I wish to address UCI's warning that they will, instead of actually *doing* anything, be "watching us carefully" from now on. Hey, UCI, watch this! (pulls pants down, moons audience)

The Sky Is Falling (A Lot)! Gorilla Glue! Tom Thumb! Purito! Degen-kold-stone-killer! A Danged Mess for the Roadies

Carnage on the Cobbles! Well, it was a crash-filled finish--and a crash-filled road to get there--at the venerable men's Gent-Wevelgem this morning, as Sky boys were flying into ditches or into concrete all over the road, the race kept stopping dead around mid-group pile-ups, and Cancellara and half the other strongmen who looked to thrash it out for an incredible sprint were caught behind a road-diving Tyler Farrar and his collateral damage Andre Greipel, who remarked thoughtfully of his likely broken collarbone and certain screw outta the rest of the Classics, "It's not normal. Fuck." A man of few yet effective words, that Gorilla! Already riding wounded but nonetheless grabbing an impressive fifth: thumb-smarting big Tom Boonen. Triumphant or at least still standing: a victorious and always-underrated John Degenkolb (and a very lively reaction from his team car), Demare, and a really bummed (for the second time this week alone) Peter Sagan. On the women's side (and only the third edition of the race for them at all): an upright finale, so you gents might want to take some stability tips from the ladies, and a road-rippin' finish for US's Lauren Hall. Woo-hoo Hall and Degenkolb--and Sky, whatever the hell happened to Ian Stannard and the rest of you, I hope you're taped up pieced back together pain-medsed and back in action soon! No video of the women's finish as usual, but at least we got the podium, and where those guys with high heels tiny skirts and lots of lipstick are is beyond me: And here's the men's action:

*Now* Can They Get Some Hot Cocoa?: meantime, over at the Volta a Catalunya, the half-frozen Grand Tour contenders finally made their way in over a nasty 8 circuits, with Purito Rodriguez takin' the whole show despite a desperate final attack by Contador while Alberto and Chris Froome still enjoyed the lion's share of the attention, Alberto got the reassurance of clutchin' his few extra seconds over Froomey, and Froomey still gets to lord his 2013 win over Alberto ahead of July. I'm callin' that just about even! Now, the trippy tribute to last-stage winner Liuwe Westra:

Screw You, UCI!: and, a giant "bite me!" to UCI for bamfoozling poor Pippo Pozzato, still confused by UCI's picky new rules over when you can and can't evade the cobbles for the nice smooth roadside, which might've come in handy, say, today if he and the furry Luca Paolini hadn't gotten jerked to a stop behind a mass pile-up at Gent-Wevelgem. What's next UCI, no more sneakin'in a forbidden late-race bidon or hoping your aero position hides you from the helicopter cameras while you draft for twenty minutes behind someone else's team car? Oh, just rip the very spirit of sportsmanship outta the sport, whyndontcha...

And, Yer I'm-Gonna-Regret-Puttin'-This-Up-On-The-Internet-Someday Pic o' the Race: Fran Ventoso, a tad scraped(but luckily not a bit broken) after Gent. Dang, I hope it's legal for this guy to take an aspirin!

We've Got Our New (Old) Women's World Road Champ! Lance Sez "Huzzah," But Should He? And, Yer Men's Preview!

Holy Crap, She is Just One of the Best Athletes in the World Right Now: yep, after a select winnowing down to a field of 8--including three Italians, Longo Borghini, Ratto and Guderzo--2 Dutch and the best of the rest of the world including the US' Evelyn Stevens, then a wily spit out the back of two Italians and one last rider, then a desperate return of the three and two more cracked by a brilliant attack from Marianne Vos, then a frankly worried-looking Vos 3.5k solo from the line, it was Vos, with actually plenty of time to enjoy the win, then a fifteen-seconds distant Johannson and Ratto to round out the podium. Let's be frank--the quality of the women's peloton right now *far* outweighs the respect, dough, and treatment they're given in this sport. You wanna support women's cycling, UCI? Well you've got the Muhammad Alis of cycling to bring it home for you--you better not !@#$ this up, Cookson, and congratulations Marianne!

Hallelujah!: meantime, after a whole lotta nasty political wrangling yesterday which in my view could've been settled way less fussily with just a good ol' Thunderdome cage-fight, Pat "Dick" McQuaid was finally ousted, with Great Britain's Brian Cookson winning the hearts and votes--though actually, not by *that* much--to be our new UCI prez. Happy campers--tragic Op Puerto victim Alejandro "Bloodbag" Valverde, and hero Lance Armstrong, who bizarrely tweeted "Hallelujah!", and was immediately rewarded with Cookson cheerfully announcing now's a *great* time for "Truth & Conciliation." Uh, I know that glory-whore McQuaid hocked you into the gutter like a lougie after you embarrassed him, Lance, but weren't you maybe still better off with him in the end than someone who *wasn't* once your greatest swooningest cheerleader? Be careful what you wish for, new heralds o' clean cycling--looks like someone wants to clear out the garage!

You Better Not !@#$ This Up, Bettini!: and, tomorrow's time for the men's race, and it looks pretty much like this: either the sprinters barely survive the climbs, and Sagan who can already climb anyway takes it, or the sprinters choke on the climbs, and whoever's not too gutted out from the Vuelta takes it. Alternative: Gilbert, underestimated, is poorly marked. Last alternative: Vinokourov, still pissed at Nibali for blowing the Giro, jumps in in full Astana colors, takes the gold medal in fist-pumping triumph, and immediately whacks the Shark unconscious with it. Italy's problem: if commissario tecnico Bettini doesn't get *someone* a victory on home soil--and no, even Ratto's fine bronze today won't cut it--he's gonna be discarded like a nut-sweaty testosterone patch and tarnish his great rider legacy. Me, rooting for Nibali or impossibly Gilbert tho' I am (and yes, I'll be wrong by the time both of you read this, stuff it), I'd almost love for Alejandro Valverde to grab the win. Wouldn't *that* be a great start to our shining new era?

Wiggo Loses Time! UCI Hates Dopers (Now)! And, It's the Amgen EPO Tour of California!

Purple (Well, Pink) Rain: holy moly it's been a oil-slick crashfest at the Giro d'Italia, with presumptive (presumptuous anyway) final maglia rosa Brad Wiggins already losing most of what he's likely to gain tomorrow in the after a scary if harmless slide-out and subsequently Schleck-slow descent in the mountains, desperate disaster-mitigation by Sky management, and Nibali, Cadel, Samu', and half Wiggo's own teammates accordingly ready to pounce after the inevitable obliteration they no longer need fear *quite* so much tomorrow. Also in the mix the last few days, creeping everybody out in his own country no less: returning Lord o' the Masking Agents Danilo "Strawberry Shortcake" DiLuca. Am the only one wondering why, say, the Spaniards aren't equally freaked out by Alejandro Valverde? Meanwhile, classics strongman Pippo "The Abs" Pozzato is keeping the peloton entertained while he awaits his own chance for a stage with lurid Italian Vanity Fair love-triangle gossip and some pretty Cipolliniesque photos there. OMG, even Ivan Basso didn't get this kinda media play posing shirtless for Gazzetta dello Sport back in 2006. Anyway, forza Nibali--but watch out for Cadel, that boy can really handle a bike! And didja see the new maglia rosa is former Euskaltel rider Benat Intxausti?

Watch Out Dopers--Uh, From Seven Years Ago: boy, UCI still really *is* lookin' to deflect ongoing worldwide scorn from Pat "Dick" McQuaid's fawning Armstrong-coddling fiasco: yes, it's decided to go to war to preserve the notorious Op Puerto blood bags of damn near everyone already riding back before half today's peloton was even outta diapers. *That'll* show the current crop of clowns getting away with the AICAR and !@#$ the dumb or broke ones are just getting busted for this season--um, that they might get their !@#es handed to 'em in a sling well after they retire! Oh, UCI, just pack up shop already...

Schleck Lovers Unite!: last but not least, he-lloooooo Amgen EPO Tour o' California, which heads out May 12 with this handy guide to which rider specializes in what. Actually, I think it's a great idea to introduce new spectators to the truly powerhouse field they've got this year (screwing the Giro, *again*)--but can these misguided freaks explain to me why Jens Voigt is listed under "Time Trialists" instead of "Gods"?

A UCI Love-In! A Spanish/Italian Bloodbagapalooza! A Saganarama!

Age of Aquarius: yes, it's just all peace, love, and--surprise!--total impotence at UCI, as they finally confront on the hard questions like, how much exactly did you cover for Armstrong? why do you only go after cyclists who piss you off? and, how come you haven't caught anyone higher'n a cul-de-sac tricycle rider for the last five years? with this scorched-earth, once-and-for-all solution to the scourge of doping in cycling: come bang on a snare drum in the woods chanting around a campfire wearing a loincloth, and, like, share your innermost feelings with us, man! Gee, *thanks*, Captain Love-In, *that* oughta solve all our problems! Oh, fine, break out the body paint Pat "Dick", we can all just paint flowers and peace signs on each others' torsos while you ignore everyone who could possibly change cycling for the better, *again*...

"Danger" to Public Health? But Fuentes Doped Me Up Just *Dandy*, Thank You Very Much!: and, as Ivan "So Close, But Yet So Far" Basso tries to sell the same ol' "I only attempted to dope" snake oil again, and the far more plausible we love (shut up! is too! I'm in my happy place!) Joseba Beloki claims never to have met Dr. Eufemiano "Gyno to the Male Stars" Fuentes at all, legendary pin-up/sprint icon Mario Cipollini has just dodged a close one: apparently, the Italian narcs are already calling off their new investigation into his highly suspicious links to Fuentes because, the good Dr. has reportedly testified, the 70,000 euros Cipo gave to him was not for blood doping, or even the notoriously bull!@#$ "training advice," but for a strict and highly complicated regime of chest-hair waxing. Saved by the manscaping, Lion King--now cough up who frosted your highlights, or we're gonna slap your !@# in prison!

Hasta la Vista, Baby!: finally, in actual race news, it sure looks like Peter "The Terminator" Sagan is getting ready to whomp on his fast-men competitors in the big races, as he starts his season off with a sharp attack and the lead at the Tour of Oman. Watch out, Cav, and don't get too smug, Classics men--swooning fan club or not, this flashy kid's set to take you *on*! Here, the win on the day:

Uh, "Truth And Reconciliation" Means *I* Get Amnesty, Right?; and, Andy Schleck Throws a Snit

Pat "Dick" McQuaid, Cowardly Tool: so, having successfully emasculated its own "Independent Commission" looking at UCI links to the Lance Armstrong doping affair, UCI has now managed to use its own sabotage as an excuse to shut the thing down entirely, saying since unfortunately USADA and WADA no longer have faith in the inquiry, they'll just have to form a general Truth and Reconciliation Commission instead, which, sadly, won't see the light of day til at least the end of the year. Pat, I'm so *glad* you're part of cycling's New Clean Era--at least, I sure bet Armstrong is!

Man, When Jens Calls You Out, You *Know* You !@#$ed Up: meanwhile, as cool arch-rival Contador nailed a hilly stage win at the Tour de San Luis, and just days after a charmingly optimistic Andy Schleck waxed poetic about his return to the peloton after his disastrous 2012 season--raising hopes he was not only physically but, for once, mentally ready for the challenges ahead at the Tour--Andy not only DNFd at the Tour Down Under on the final day's circuit due to a mechanical problem, but also flew into a petulant snit and unsportingly skipped the podium for the team classification, which RadioSkank, thanks to Jens being a god, actually won. Anyone else concerned that at this rate, if Andy don't get his *exactly* his way in July, he's gonna pull an Armstrong and be a petty little beeyotch to Contador on the podium? Here, not to rub it in or nothin', but Alberto goes for the win:

Now *That's* a Post-Racing Career: Can't quite score one of those rare-yet-lucrative DS gigs, haven't got the mad skills to be a ProTour mechanic, and don't want to be a lowly also-ran drug-mule for the cycling starts of today? Well, then, ex-riders, follow the ultra-cool example of former Lion King lead-outPaolo Fornaciari, who not only opened his own gourmet gelato shop after retirement, but also just won the World Championships in the discipline. For those of you (okay, us) with gelato fetishes, his winning concoction, "Macho Macho" (named after the ingredients, not, surprisingly, Cipollini's chest hair) was an almond gelato base with ribbons of bitter-orange marmalade and chocolate fondant, covered with slightly caramelized toasted almonds. Complimenti Paolo--and Landis, *see* what you could've become instead?!

UCI Celebrates Lance's Silence: Truth and Reconciliation Can Suck It, Baby!

Woo-Hoo, Let's All Go Out for a Pint Instead!: yes, in their strongest effort yet to clean up and keep clean the sport we love, the UCI independent commission on Fixing This Whole !@#damn Mortifying Mess is really putting the hammer down on a petrified peloton--they're...uh, well, it's flurrying out today, so they're not gonna meet at all. Y'know, when Pat "Dick" McQuaid was a whippersnapper, he had to trudge to and from UCI headquarters uphill, in both directions, barefoot, through 3 feet of snow, a blinding blizzard, a howling nor'easter, biting sleet, beating sun, two tornadoes, three hurricanes and an earthquake, and he *still* managed to protect and enable every single cash-cow doper-celebrity cheater-dirtbag in the entire peloton, you quivering cowering whimpering weenies! Oh, man, better just draft a buncha Belgian hardmen to get the job done instead...

Injury Alert!: and holy cow (hmm, I should've saved that for some ancient-history Contador crack), best wishes for a speedy recovery for Classics god Tom Boonen, whose innocuous scrape on the elbow during a mountain-bike ride apparently turned into a swollen season-threatening mess and was just operated on in Belgium. Get *well*, Tommeke--if Fabian or any of those guys are gonna try to take you down on the cobbles, it's only fair they have to beat you at your best!

And We're Off!: finally, as Alberto Contador contemplates the hopeless Giro-Tour double--what, you *trying* to give Andy Schleck some false hope for July, you wisenheimer?--the indomitable Jens has started off the season in grand fashion at the Tour Down Under pre-crit, figuring "I may as well do something stupid and get it going.” Not to be outdone, Cav, Petacchi, Rodriguez (still tragically stuck with Katusha), Tejay, Thor (come back, Thor!) and Nibali test the legs, try the new lead-outs, and size up the competition at the Tour de San Luis. Please, dear peloton, *anything* to purge the last two weeks outta every lovin' cycling fan's head--now get on the road, get crackin', and remind us why we keep watching you clowns! Here, Saxo-Tinkoff gets its groove on:

UCI: Hypocritically Hosing Bitchin' New Teams Since 2013

You suck, UCI!: as if there weren't already enough reasons to loathe narc-supremos UCI, woo-hoo! now, there's even more, as UCI gives a pointless and gigantic hosing to cool new South African Pro Continental squad MTN-Qhubeka, which helps give bikes to children in rural areas in return for work done to help their environment and their communities. How'd UCI screw 'em? Well, if UCI don't sanction races, a Pro Conti squad can't race in anything but its own national championships, and that just really sticks it to a squad. Y'know, I get--heck, I downright admire--UCI's wholesome rule on refusing to ok races sponsored by organizations promoting cigs, porno, or beverages with an alcohol-by-volume percentage over 15. So it might almost make sense, in the interests of protecting grown-up human beings from the nefarious, nay, near-criminal influence of South Africa's Tour of Richelieu--named for, and sponsored by, a brandy company--for UCI not let it be a UCI-sanctioned gig. Until you think o' this: why, then, do you schmoes sanction the Amgen "EPO" Tour o' California every year? No doubt, Amgen is a fine and noble company, and EPO, used for its intended purposes, has greatly helped the lives of many people. But the very same UCI rule also prohibits sponsorships promoting "any other products that might damage the image of UCI or the sport of cycling in general." Uh, I don't know if y'all at UCI have heard, but illicit use of EPO has actually been linked to some preeeeeeeeeeettttty major damage to the sport (and you clowns, too) of late. I guess the devil liquor is the real danger to the sport, all right! Next up: UCI sanctions the Dr. Michele Ferrari "Dope Your Blood Up" Tour o' Chem Labs. You suck, UCI--free MTN-Qhubeka!


Oh, and Lance is reportedly considering admitting to his doping. Because he feels guil--uh, because he wants to be able to compete in triathlons again. Glad to see his "conscience" is kickin' in!

Some Friendly Suggestions for Our Pals At UCI

Well folks, there's been a lot of controversy in the cycling world the last few months, and sad to say, poor ol' UCI, faithful arbiter of clean sport and benevolent blesser o' squads 'n' races, has cruelly borne the brunt of an awful wunk o' critique. So, in the spirit of love, forgiveness, and charity that characterizes the season, I kindly offer my 7 Friendly Suggestions For UCI This Year:

1. Don't even bother going after Armstrong now. Really. You just look like !@#es.

2. Awarding ProTour licenses so late in the year, after the squads have already blown their entire budgets, is bull!@#$. Just look what you've done to Purito! Of course, *he'll* get an invite to any race he wants. The smaller but still treasured personal ambitions of the poor domestiques who otherwise toil selflessly for him all year--screwed!

3. Okay, you didn't give Katusha a license because ex-Lance lieutenant/loyal apologist Eki fails the morals clause. So you give one to Bjarne Riis instead? For god's sake, man!

4. You wanna talk "4 pillars" of butt-covering snake oil with cycling's "stakeholders?" Include the whistleblowers and journalists you !@#$ed--and no killing the messenger this time!

5. Women's cycling. Lemme get this straight--the women already barely get paid enough to keep themselves in chamois creme and Tampax, much less the high-end designer dope the boys are using, and now you wanna make it so expensive for races to test 'em the only alternative is to cancel them entirely? Wah, wah, exceptions, wah--why not spend the dough *yourself* on someone you might actually bust, you cheapskate enabling freaks? Oh, wait....

6. Ask not what Greg LeMond's done for cycling the last 25 years. Ask what you've done to destroy it. Then, we can maybe get somewhere!

7. Resign. It's too late for rehab, Pat. You've disgraced the organization, the sport, and above all, the people who care about cleaning it up. Just...resign.

Well, them's my suggestions--but I'm sure Pat "Dick"'ll take (well, need, anyway) all the help he can get!

Greg LeMond for Prez! Cyclist T&A Update! Save the Giro Donne!

Greeegggggg!: just as Johan Bruyneel feared, that big pack o' "douches" who don't want cycling to be an open encouraged cesspool of stinkin' dopers met to talk sport, and, as Jonathan Vaughters made nice with Cofidis' Eric Boyer after Boyer accused Vaughters of not giving a crap as head honcho when the greed-enabler teams immediately snapped up post-ban drug-weasels as soon as Op Puerto was over, a new white knight has emerged: yes, none less than 3-time Tour de France winner Greg LeMond, routinely derided in Lanceville as a bitter, angry nobody (I mean, for !@#$'s sake, people), is gonna challenge impotent rump-kisser Pat "Dick" McQuaid for UCI supremacy. Frankly, clean as his rep is and sincere his desire to fix the sport he loves, LeMond could've beaten Hinault with a two-foot syringe stickin' right outta his shorts and I'd *still* love to see 'im on the job just to piss Lance off. Greg for President--woo-hoo!

A Philosophical Q: Look, I truly think doping's really, really bad. And given how pissed everyone is they couldn't afford to dope half so well as Armstrong force-fed his crew, I mean, how horrible everyone feels about the garbage-pail days and how eager they are to change things now for the young ones, I really think the teams all hoppin' on this Movement for Credible Cycling thing is great. But Rabobank, Lampre, Astana--all these disgusting clowns are now *begging* to join the kids they used to pick on at the nerds' table. Am I *really* the only one at all suspecting that clean new era, yap, yap, yap, this is just a bunch of kum-ba-yah s'mores-makin' campfire-singin' bull!@#$ and five years from now we're all going to be reading some "shocking" new expose' of their cutting-edge test-evading blood-doping practices? Okay you sweet little innocents, I guess it's just me then--at least, I hope so!

Save the Giro Donne, !@#dammit! Okay, the women already get paid squat, their teams dissolve every fifteen minutes, the glorious Giro Donne is under threat--and don't even get me *started* on why there's no women's Vuelta or Tour--and now, hot on the heels of Vino & Co partying with the newly-elected "Miss Ciclismo," a buncha cyclist babes are 'helping' the sport by posing for calendars straddling giant mountain-bike tires with electrical tape on their racks? Oh sure, it's usually Cipo or Pippo takin' it off for the cameras, and Petacchi can pose in a silk man-nightie with a hot model velcroed onto 'im and still retain his peloton cred--but really, can't we just give these women a *raise* and some *races* to ride in? Since the answer, sadly, appears to be "no," I hope you'll all join me in my new campaign, "Randomly Send Gobs o' Money to Marianne Vos, Mara Abbott and Giorgia Bronzini," c/o this post. *Please*, please save this phenomenal race--just *look* at what we'll all be missing!

It's Yer Sissy-Boy Slap-Fight o' the Week!; and, Andy Schleck Puts on His Big-Boy Pants

Like Carlos Barredo Whanging Rui Costa Over the Head With a Bike Wheel, Only Bloodier: yes, the blame game for Lance Armstrong's monster--and happily abetted--fraud continues, with WADA tying UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid to a chair in a bare concrete cell lit by a single glaring lightbulb a for a two-day "well *we* ain't takin' the heat, you moron" smackdown, and Pat "Dick" shrieking that just because he's the most disgusting obsequious doping-enabler ever known don't mean it's not even worse that Floyd Landis and Tyler Hamilton are "scumbags," and he doesn't even like their haircuts to boot. Meantime, UCI continues to restore its credibility with it's new anti-doping hotline, whereby riders are helpfully encouraged to either (1) turn themselves in and wreck their own careers or (2) rat out other guys who are doping better than they are for slimeballian tactical advantage. Unfortunately, the only calls the hotline has received so far are a reported 253 voice mails from the Spanish peloton proclaiming that "Lance Armstrong is a great champion" and they "still support him 100%." Best of all, in UCI's strongest attempt yet to crack down on cheats, it's just invested over $1 million in cutting-edge lab equipme--uh, spent a huge wad of cash to hire itself a freakin' PR firm. Way to clean up the sport, Pat--damn, why not just *buy* everybody performance-enhancing drugs?

Out Here On My Own: meanwhile, it's a darn good thing Andy Schleck's starting his season extra-early at the Tour Down Under to build his form back and, way more importantly, learn to ride confidently on his own outta the guiding protective slipstream of his elder brother, 'cause Frank's proceeding on his 2012 Tour de France doping poz has been delayed again. If I've said it once, Frank, I've said it a hundred times, if yer gonna use a banned diuretic to ease those, uh, menstrual cramps, at least get a Therapeutic Use Exemption from yer ol' friend Dr. Eufemiano "Gyno to the Male Stars" Fuentes first! You *go* Andy, you can do it by yourself--at least til you start blaming Contador for something...

Yer Downright Disconcerting Headline o' the Week: lastly, a huge congrats to Velonews for its hugely squick-inducing story title "Astana finds trainer for Nibali as he aims at the 2013 Giro." Oh, come *on* Vinokourov, Vincenzo Nibali's *such* a nice hardworking kid--I don't care if you hired Santa Claus to help 'im, you *trying* to get him woken up out of his much-needed rest by the narcs for a needle attack at 2 am every night of the race?

UCI, Opposing Doping "Since the Dark Period of Lance Armstrong"--Because It Sure Didn't Police It for !@#$ Back Then

Right On, UCI!: so in response to a cool $2 million lawsuit by a disgruntled cycling sponsor, UCI's come out swinging: sure, it was useless *then*, but boy oh boy, are they on the warpath against doping *now*! The proof? Yep, UCI's...uh, investigating Alexandre Vinokourov for allegedly buying the 2010 Liege-Bastogne-Liege from Kolobnev. Take that, dopers! Y'know, leaving aside that UCI's got more important things to do at the moment--like, dissolve--I think you gotta *admire* Vino for his open-minded ability to change with the times. You can dope? You dope. You get accused of doping? You tell 'em to !@#$ off *and* threaten to rat 'em out. You can't dope anymore? You *buy* yourself a damn Monument! Look, not to get all political here, but isn't this the very essence of the free market we all know and love? So Kolobnev decides it's more in his economic self-interest to take a giant pile o' cash from Vinokourov than to wait and see if his Liege win pays off with a better contract next seas--um, notices that he's actually got a wicked leg cramp 6 centimeters from the line, big whoop! Oh, Vino, skeezebag of my heart, the peloton is gonna be *so* dull without you--Cav sending his goons up to bushwhack the competition just *can't* compare! Here, the fateful "win":

The Dumbest Freakin' Anti-Doping Idea *Ever*: and that's sayin' a *lot*, as Rabobank rider Juan Manuel Garate suggests that the peloton police itself, mainly by the deeply chastened elder riders thoroughly teaching the innocent younger tots what not to do. Like what, how not to safely store a bag o' yer own blood in the hotel-room mini-bar or how not to apply a drug patch to your nuts? Damn, between Indurain and Contador and Valverde and (sob!) Samu supporting Armstrong, and now Garate weighing in, the Spaniards are just *begging* to be brought down by the narcs nowadays...

Michele, My Belle: meantime, congrats to presumptive Giro champ Michele Scarponi, finally 'fessing up to taking two "training tests" with notorious doping doc Ferrari back in 2010 (and we all know the peloton had already stopped doping by then), but asking for some slack on the grounds that he didn't know Ferrari was on the banned list just because, oh, skywriters traced it in smoke over every !@#$in' race since like 2002, you idiot! I gotta say though, this mighta been plausible if (1) the authorities hadn't audiotaped Ferrari tellin' you you coulda won the Giro "with a bag" and (2)the Italian cycling fed were completely lobotomized...geez, just shut the hell up while you're ahead whydontcha?

You Suck, UCI!: finally, thanks again to UCI for wrecking the career of another hardworking domestique, this time the fine Joost Posthuma, with your dumb-!@# points system that's already destroyed my darling Euskaltel. Well, Froomey, at least with Wiggo's WorldTour points you've still got some backup left for the Tour de France next year--now can UCI fix this outrageous UCImess before it's just them and Contador for the grand tours?

Yer What the !@#$ Are They Thinking? Peloton Roundup

Yes, we've most of us made it through the apocalypse, and the survivors are, predictably, wiggin' the hell out, so I'm thinkin' it's time for us to take a *wee* step back and consider things rationally:

1. Christian Prudhomme. So Lance's Tours "have no winners?" Sure they do--Joseba, Ullrich, and Iban. Euskaltel and T-Mobile didn't have half the dough to do that !@#$ as well as Postal, so a level playing field it wasn't. As a bonus, those riders are, while clearly imperfect, also not colossal witness-intimidating !@#holes. Oh, bite me you Puritans!

2. Pat "Dick" McQuaid, Tyler Hamilton, Bjarne Riis. Okay, I'll solve this stupid war: *none* of you has any place in cycling. Tyler: you benefited, you got busted, you talked. It's great you finally did, and I hope the sport changes, too. But can't the book just stand on its own by now? Pat "Dick": you enabled it, either actively or incompetently failed to confront it, or all three. *Go* already! Bjarne: how the heck is *this* guy any better than Bruyneel? Am I the only one who remembers CSC? Damn!

3. Pat "Dick" Again. "UCI would accept donations from riders in the future." What?! Okay, maybe Millar'd just donate because he's a sanctimonious pain in the works, but like no-one else'd just be expecting a wink and a nod next time? Look, *I'll* freakin' donate if you actually prosecute someone besides Franco Pellizotti and some dimwit neo-pro buying toxic unregulated scam-garbage off the internet, how's that instead?

4. Michele Ferrari. You look like a *massive* tool for saying to tuttobici you only provided your riders with "dietary strategies." What the hell kind of "diet" involves stickin' an IV full of drugs in your !@#? On the plus side, it's swell you're still friends with Lance!

5. Cadel Evans. On a related note, holy crap, he may well *be* the only man in cycling who got just "training advice" from Ferrari. We believe in you Cadel!

6. Jens and Samu. I will always love and 100% back Jens Voigt and Samuel Sanchez. However, on the Armstrong issue, they both appear to have been taken over by aliens. Please, can't someone get those pod people outta their brains?

7. Tom Boonen. No matter what anyone else says about your own history, we still love you Tommeke--'cause we don't think you took all that coke to improve your performance!

8. Rabobank. Hilarious. *Now* they're pissed?

9. Philippe Gilbert. Am I the only one the least bit skeptical that the "new generation" everyone's yappin' about is really way cleaner? Look at all the amateur pozes this year for heck's sake! Yep, just as after Festina there was Puerto, after Puerto there was the Great CERA Scourge of 2008-2010, after that there was this, 5 years from now there'll be some vomitous scandal again...

10. And Finally, Some Kind Advice: Alberto Contador, for your own good I beg you, not a word. NOT A SINGLE 'NOTHER WORD ON THIS ENTIRE SUBJECT, EVER, YOU UNDERSTAND ME? Dang, someone's gotta protect these boys from themselves!

Okay, on to 2013. Hey, it can't be any more of a trainwreck than 2012, right? I know, famous last words...

My Fantasy UCI/Pat "Dick" McQuaid Press Conference

Good morning. As you may know, I am Pat "Dick" McQuaid, proud president of UCI, the preeminent pro--uh, anti! anti!--doping organization in cycling. I apologize for the lousy audio feed, but as you can imagine, here in the unmapped rainforest in Borne--uh, I meant Brazil! I meant Brazil!--where I'm in hiding, there's not exactly primo cell phone coverage. So good luck tracking me down to face criminal charges, mother!@#$ers!

Anyway, I've called this press conference to address the very serious and upsetting USASA report on Lance Armstrong. First, I'd like to say what a privilege and pleasure it's been all these years of willfully blind slutty obsequiousness to ride to personal fame, glory, and untold wealth on Lance's golden-jersey anti-cancer-hero coattails. Now, of course, I'm gonna have to pull a Nike and completely throw his dirty doping !@# under the bus even though I absolutely knew--uh, heard! with shock and disbelief! through third-hand rumor and innuendo only!--he was a cheating scumwad the entire time. In that vein, I hereby blame everything on honorary UCI prez/former head honcho Hein Verbruggen, who, despite my personally grabbing Lance for a urine sample every six seconds which was then immediately tested in the half-million dollar testing machine that Lance bought for us and totally coincidentally very generously calibrated by hand himself prior to each test, totally thwarted my every sincere and noble effort to substitute pig urine for Lan--I mean, to catch that filthy druggy cheat every race. And naturally, we won't be appealing the decision on Lance to WADA, primarily because I won't be here to give a cra--uh, provide the in-depth commitment of time and analysis that a thorough pursuit of justice requires.

I next want to address the ridiculous allegations that UCI treated certain riders more favorably than others, which is not only offensive, but downright inaccurate. If you look carefully, you'll see that it's not the *riders* I treated unfairly, it's the *teams*. Look, did Tyler or Floyd or Heras ever come up positive while they were still riding for Lance? No! I only went after their sorry !@#es when Lance ordered me to after they left his service at USPostalDiscovery--I mean, when the testing protocols caught up to their nefarious actions! And that snotty little twerp Contador--when he was still smart enough to stay Lance's meek little beeyotch, uh, when he was just an innocent boy trying to navigate the treacherous roiling waters of the peloton, did I *ever* get on his case? Nyet again! Apropos of nothing, however, I think it's very interesting that a recent statistical analysis shows that Hein Verbruggen, by contrast, routinely nailed individual riders in direct proportion to their personal failure to provide him with piles of cocaine, conflict diamonds, spa weekends, and booze.

Despite the clear slanderousness of the unjust witch-hunt against me, and in order to protect the sanctity of my untraceable and ginormous Swiss bank account--uh, to spend more time with my friends and family! yeah, them!--I have decided to resign from my cherished position at UCI to accept a new gig as a DS-in-absentia for my fellow anti-doping advocates at Garmin-Sharp. Therefore, I hereby announce that my replacement at the reins of UCI will be Lance Armstrong himself. Just kidding!--it's Frank Schleck.

Well, I see this call is about to become traceable, so unfortunately, I won't be taking any questions. Thank you and goo--holy !@#$, is that a freakin' panther up there?!--(call ends with sounds of shrieks, chomping)

Sure, I Can Bull!@#$ A Lie Detector Test; and, No-One Cares if I Did It Anyway!

Lance Just Keeps Getting Classier: yes, as official confirmation of what pretty well everyone except dear Phil Liggett already thought for years continues to sink in to the pure and innocent peloton--the two USPostalDiscovery riders who weren't deemed important enough to be Lance's beeyotch anyway--Lance's defense keeps gettin' more weird and skeezy, with his attack-team now saying (1) Lance'd probably be perfectly willing to take a lie detector test, since if yer garden-variety in-bred criminal sociopath can pass one due to lack of a recognizable moral compass, the far superior Lance could totally do it even better, and (2) nobody in hero-worship-central--y'know, AMERICA, which hates cancer and commies unlike those effete spandex-wearin' wussies over in Europe--even cares that he *did* dope, anyway. Ha-ha! Yep, it just proves that we here in AMERICA do it better'n everybody else--again! It ain't *our* fault those mo-rons in Franceland or Spainville or whatever can't do nothin' right--now pass me some Bud, gimme them nachos, and turn the TV on to a *real* sport, like FOOTBALL!

Your "No !@#$, Sherlock!" Comment o' the Week: and, many thanks to former WADA prez Dick "Dick" Pound for his sage observation that UCI *must've* known something was going on with Lance and Postal for years on end, mainly because, y'know, it's funny how Postal riders in particular were left alone for 18 hours before and after they won a race before they were escorted to doping controls, or, uh, nobody questioned the pack mules carrying large boxes labeled "EPO" to the team bus in the Alps, or, well, it *was* maybe a little odd that "room service" was dressed in lab coats every time they delivered IV bottles full of "champagne" and "condiments" contained in little syringes that apparently got injected into the "hamburgers" with long sharp needles. Jeez, no *wonder* the poor bastids who had some narc lookin' over their shoulder every time they had to get up to pee in the middle o' night their whole careers are so outraged! Man, next thing you'll be saying the anti-doping agencies found nothin' weird about all those bags of medical waste being found in team musettes in the hotel dumpster after every Tour stage...

Oh, Right, We Watch This For the *Racing*: last but not least, many compliments after a hugely crap week for the sport to we love Joaquim Rodriguez, Chris Froome's--uh, Brad Wiggins'--Team Sky, and the fabulous nation of Spain for their officially-awarded (if previously-actually-known) UCI WorldTour wins. Am I the only one just slightly, slightly, slightly rooting for Astana to kick everyone's !@#es next season? Oh, yeah, forza Vinokourov--even if you aren't pulling all that crazy !@#$ on the actual bike any more!

Yer Point/Counterpoint on the Lance Armstrong Doping Report; Including, the Hincapie Conundrum

Jane, You Ignorant Slut: yep, the USADA report is out, the links are here, and let's get straight to the arguments (and counterarguments) flooding the twitsphere with outrage:

1. It's Hearsay From a Bunch of Lying D!@#chebags!: No, it isn't. It's *direct observations* from a bunch of lying d!@#chebags. And USADA made it perfectly clear which d!@#chebags they believed. Move on.

2. USADA's Lawyers are Tangentially Associated With Big Tobacco!: Frankly, who gives a !@#$? It's not like they're personally dressed in a cute cartoon-character costume named "Smoky" passing out cigs to 10-year-olds. And no, Lance, it *doesn't* mean they're bad because they "defend cancer" and you're good 'cause you fight it. Really, taking legitimately life-saving (or life-extending) drugs for a banned purpose just to win a !@#$in' bike race is any *less* morally reprehensible?

3. He's a Hero to Millions!: Noted and duly appreciated. Everyone knows someone who's been touched by cancer, and inspiration for people who need it is good. It's still not cool to use your advocacy for a noble cause as both a shield and a weapon against your wrongdoing. It also doesn't mean that as athlete, you're not a cheat and an ass.

4. Everyone Else Was Doing It!: Not as well, they weren't, so yes, it still matters. Honestly, does anyone think a magnificent train wreck like Jan Ullrich could've held it together to do this !@#$ so well? And don't *make* me make some priggish analogy about jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge just because your friends all did it, you lemming!

5. The French Are Just A Whiny Pack o' Whiny Elitist Socialists Pissed Off That an American Kicked Their !@# for 7 Years!: Yes, they are. They drink wine instead of p!@#-water beer, they eat cheese instead of "cheez," and they haven't won their own Tour in a generation despite having their own disgusting cheat-weasels in the ranks. Lance is still a cheating thieving jerk, so what's your point?

6. Hincapie and Those Guys Did It Too!: Yes, it seems they did. And everyone loves them, and it sucks. Who doesn't want to root for a time-trial genius who still plays with action figures at age 35 or a guy who was *so close* to the GC at the Tour de France or a really, really humble and dog-loyal mentor to a whole younger generation of cyclists? The question is, though, what becomes of them now. And I don't actually think it's crap they got *some* sort of a deal for talking. Strip their wins from them? Sure, why not, especially since most are on the verge of retirement anyway, some of 'em managed to pile up some pretty stellar palmares in their own rights (or wrongs), and a simple ban now won't mean that much. But punish 'em as hard as Lance? No. Lance was offered a deal. He rejected it, as is his right, he actively fought the charges, as is his right--hey, no hard feelings. But he also openly--and really quite viciously--tried to destroy anyone who tried to tell the truth, which is completely !@#holian. Omerta exists for more than one reason, greed and the desire for personal glory among them. Fear, though, is an even greater reason, and *that* is what has damn near destroyed this sport. If Lance was its worst enforcer and its greatest beneficiary, why *shouldn't* he go down the hardest?

7. He Never Tested Positive!: Yes, he did. Just not the way that holds up a ban. And while I generally think that total stupidity *should* be a jailable offense, I don't think you give a guy bonus points for being a cheating dirty pig really, really well.

8. It's a Witch-Hunt!: no, it's not. It's a buncha people doing the job that those disgusting glory-whore enablers at UCI completely failed, or were unable, to do. Justice is often messy, dirty, lengthy, and complicated. And yes, you're going after Lance over anyone else. You glorify yourself as a hero and a saint and just the bestest bestest athlete ever to walk the planet, you go for blood on everyone who correctly called you out, you lose your right to bitch about it when people reasonably ask questions. Really--the witch hunt was *against* Lance, not *by* him? Tell that to Frankie Andreu!

9. It's Too Far in the Past! There's No Point!: yes, there is. Somewhere, right now, in the !@#-end of the autobus, is a really talented rider who dreams of winning races but knows he can't because the sport is *still*--however improved, if it even is--tainted, and he doesn't want to, or is just afraid to, dope playing a buncha life-threatening games with his body. And it would be awful, awful nice too, if you could count on the governing bodies that are supposed to police the sport weren't sticking their noses so far up the butts of their favored riders that their noses are pokin' out the other end. So if *this* blows over, why would that rider think all the little stupid things that add up poison the sport *now* won't blow over?

Okay, fanboys 'n' girls, cynics and romantics, deniers and paranoid conspiracy theorists--have at. Me, I'm gonna go back to wondering where that dreamy Cav is gonna end up!

UCI Wins Big Against Landis! Too Bad They Still Look Like !@#holes

It's a Brand New Drinking Game!: yes, a Swiss court has issued a stinging ruling in a defamation case by noble defenders o' cyclist virtue UCI against vocal critic/remorseful ex-doper Floyd Landis: Landis is now and forever strictly barred from calling UCI, crusading prez Pat "Dick" McQuaid, or former ruler Hein Verbruggen, "corrupt", "terrorists", "fools", "full of shit", and "clowns", or saying they're no different than "Colonel Muammar Gaddafi." That's OK Floyd--if it makes you feel any better, by my crack legal reckoning, you *can* still call 'em "d**chebags," "wankers," "tools," "putzes," and "mimes," and say they're no different than "Mitt Romney!" Best of all, since Landis has to take out ads apologizing in the Wall Street Journal (along with, for some odd reason, some cycling publications), he gets to repeat all his accusations all over again so long as they're simply preceded by the word "aren't." Oh, sure, he's already gonna appeal--but in the meantime, I call next person who comes up with a new name you *can* call Pat "Dick" has to drink--last one upright wins!

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Ride the Tour de France: yeah, watch out Sandy Casar and Philippe Gilbert: according to CNN, and thanks to some scumwad owners who oughta have their pets taken away, that Golden Retriever or Newfoundland wandering out on the course while you're going 60k an hour ain't just stupid, it's high as a kite, and god forbid it hallucinates you're a cat or some !@#$, 'cause now it'll go all Cujo on your !@#! Oh, man, now we gotta get the *spectators* off the drugs, too--ain't UCI overwhelmed enough *already*?

No, Giro, No!: in total suck news, one of the most exciting underdog GC contenders we've seen in years, Purito Rodriguez, has apparently decided to bag the Giro d'Italia in favor of the Tour this year because the Giro's crappy excess of time trial kilometers makes it a fruitless waste of his time. Hey, I understand wanting to intentionally exclude, say, the Schlecks with those shenanigans, but we love Purito? Really? Oh, Giro, you will always be my first true Grand Tour love--don't break my trusting innocent heart this way, please!

Back in Black: finally, and speaking of whom, there's *some* good news for the injury-plagued Andy Schleck and his lost season: he's already been back in action in the peloton (however briefly) this week, and is now set to take on the Tour of Beijing. Don't sweat it, Andy, at least Jen, Fabian, and your big brother Fra--uh, at least Jens & Fabian'll be there to help you next year!

Cycling Goes to War; or, Pat "Dick" McQuaid, Defender of Virtue

Except If He's Kissed Your !@# For the Last Decade, That Is: yes, folks, from WADA to USADA to UCI, cycling's now found itself in a grand conundrum: whether to look honestly if ashamedly at the problem of doping in the sport by one of its greatest heroes, a 7-time Tour de France winner, warrior against cancer, inspirational figure to millions, and blindly-adored national icon, or whether to look like a repulsive rump-nosing selectively-prosecuting obsequious hypocrite weasel toady so desperate to keep the fame it has won that it--well, he--will do damn near anything north of pimping his own grandma to protect the guy who donated huge wads of cash to his organization, provided him with a life-changing outlet for reflected personal glory, and, totally coincidentally, is alone among the team he minutely controlled in every detail in being clearly absolutely innocent of doing absolutely anything as an internationally-revered anti-doping-by-other-people's organization's completely objective investigation would inevitably determine. Wanna guess which route UCI president Pat "Dick" McQuaid has taken?

Look, I get the crap about "this is pointless so late in the game" and "everyone else did it anyway" and "who the hell's a !@#$in' Vino fan to take the high road on this?" But frankly, there's value for the sport--and more importantly, for less-flashy but still talented riders--in determining whether winning is even in part a luxury purchase for the most loaded and sophisticated buyer, and I'll take any cyclist who at least calls bull!@#$ on the favored-nations status of certain popularity-contest publicity sluts over a bunch of crocodile-tear-spewing whingers who dedicate themselves to policing everyone else's purity only after their own !@#es are forced to compete on a level playing field. So Pat, I beseech you--even if you really, truly wanted to--and let's face it, that's a big freakin' if--you can't evaluate Lance objectively. You can't even appear to, if you could. Because you courted him so relentlessly, your legacy is inextricably entwined with his, and there is no possible way on this earth you don't know that. Worse, you openly went after any rider who threatened you. USADA, at least, has been nothing but ripped to pieces for asking uncomfortable questions and is screwed no matter which way it comes out--so why not let it do its job?

Holy !@#$! Frank Schleck Nailed By Narcs, Out of Tour

Okay, I'll say it: I'm gonna totally give Frank Schleck the benefit of the doubt on UCI finding the banned diuretic Xipamide in his urine, because straight up, when those severe menstrual cramps and bloating kick in, a man'll do just about anything to stop the pa--uh, sorry, Frank, I got nothin' for ya! On the plus side, I believe this also mandates an immediate stop to all Schleckian whinging about (1) his form; (2) his Giro; (3) his Tour; and (4) all those meany downhills. Woo-hoo!

Meantime, reactions have been pouring in, not least from a gleeful UCI and a mortified self-defensive RadioSkank, whose official press releases are below:

UCI: *Burn!*

RadioSkank: This would never have happened while Lance was riding. I mean, he's a rogue, a rogue I tells ya!

Last, a kind word of advice to our disgraced and now lonely boy: Frank, if you're *gonna* dope, at least don't dope and *suck.* Cheers!