Sunday, May 30, 2021

It's Yer Incredibly Prestigious 2021 Giro d'Italia racejunkie Awards!

Yes, the Prosecco's been popped, the confetti's been showered, and Lefevere's discreetly slunk on home to make excuses for Quick Step, so what's left, after three excruciating, glorious, unpredictable weeks through most of Italy?  Well wash that chamois and step on up, because that's right, it's Yer Incredibly Prestigious 2021 Giro d'Italia racejunkie Awards!  The prizes--I swear on Gilberto Simoni--for anyone so egomaniacal, so craven, or so desperate as to claim them: (1) a dashing, custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap for yer head; (2) a passel of handsome racejunkie stickers to adorn yer bike, yer helmet, or yer rival's face; (3) eternal shame; and (4) a genuine sports-related trophy tchotchke with your name and award either engraved, or, budget not permitting, written with exceedingly neat handwriting in genuine Sharpie right on it to proudly display next to your Trofeo Senza Fine, Tour de France honorary plate, or Paris-Roubaix cobblestone.  So fold down that middle finger, own the low-down things you've done the last three weeks, and let's get this Giro-pink party started!

The Entire Universe Completely !@#$in' Sucks Gut-Punch of 2021: look you bitter, cynical haters, I don't even want to *hear* a buncha crap about how he can never hold it together for three weeks or he courts disaster like Casanova courts chicks or whatever heretical anti-Carrot !@#$ you're spewing--Mikel Landa was happy, on the form of his life, and, may I repeat to you still suck Movistar, *happy* when he was taken out by the race's second-unluckiest man, the innocent previous-day's stage winner birthday-boy Joe Dombrowski, when the latter nearly plowed into some barely-marked road furniture, and, after several minutes of staying terrifyingly still, was loaded into an ambulance and whisked away with a thrice-broken collarbone, a nearly collapsed lung, and a pile of broken ribs, the perfect race and his perfect GC chances shot to hell.  !@#*dammit*, UCI,  can you either remove this !@#$ from the roadway or mark it with more than an invisible flag-bearer so nobody else has their triumphant win and maiden Grand Tour victory ruined already? 

Class Act o' the Race: yap, he's washed up, yap, he should be home tottering around his garden in Sicily, yap.  He's won the entire show twice while you were still figuring out where you were supposed to apply yer chamois cream, Bucko, he started the Giro with a broken wrist and zippo for training, and, through rain, snow, sleet, and idiot barreling team car, he still honored the race by getting out there and busting what was left of him to thank the tifosi, the race organizers, and the entire damn country as best he could.  More, after he crashed hard and hurt himself even worse, he stuck it out when no-one could've blamed him for climbing off his bike and heading off into the sunset.  But he's Vincenzo !@#$in' Nibali, and that's why the rest of the universe cowers before him.  Take a bow, Squalo, even if yer armchair critics haven't the grace to do it in front of you!

Fan !@#$wit Award: sure, it's gotta be both weird and unpleasant being pursued by wingnuts with growling chain saws, screeched at by an attention-whore in a mankini, or smothered by some dimwit with smoke flares, but what's *really* beyond the pale of ordinary bike-fan enthusiasm? Yep, thrusting yer maskless pestilence-ridden gob at and highly indecently mauling poor helpless Lorenzo Fortunato, about to take his first-ever pro win for his legendary bosses Alberto Contador and Ivan Basso after a miserable slog and incredible triumph on the iconic Zoncolan.  But a kid couldn't ask for a more ardent defender than two-time Giro campione Gilberto Simoni, who, not taking disrespect of his home stomping grounds lightly, piled on the interloper with the help of his wife and cousin and dragged him off.  Sempre grande Giboooooooooooo!  

Dumb-!@# Crash o' the Giro: look, I don't appreciate lurid crash porn, but occasionally, something so unutterably stupid and mercifully not life-changing happens that *someone's* gotta call it out.  This year, it was UCI's unbearably boneheaded anal-retentive rule-making that wouldn't let a rider dispose safely and sensibly of his rain jacket, leading the clueless BikeExchange team car, whose DS was distracted by coordinating the jacket's return with a passing neutral support vehicle, to plow right into the back of faultless and frankly perfectly visible rider Peter Thierry.  What the !@#$ is *wrong* with you, UCI? Now quit dodging that phone call from his lawyers, nut up, and take the (hopefully expensive) consequences!

Small Slice o' Marginally-Less-Pointless-Stupidity Thumbs-Up Emoji: and, to be fair--and believe me, that pains me--those idiots *are* to be somewhat commended, or at least, minimally less vilified, for bowing to near-universal outrage that they've taken all the fun outta cycling by not allowing the almost-always-super-generous riders to reward charming moppets, and the parents who just spent 7 hours freezing on a mountain top listening to their whining, with a prized, if slightly spit-covered, mobile souvenir, and permitted an approximately two-meter window for that to happen without incurring a huge penalty and lifetime imprisonment in some decrepit dungeon.  Well done UCI--Jaysus, would you *please* not DQ Bernal for his sock height til he's collected the trophy in Milan?

Brad Wiggins Memorial Bike Throw Hissy Fit Prize: yes, I spent the greater part of the race defending the kid from the ridiculous pressure and ludicrous weight of expectation dumped upon him, but still, you can't deny that jailbait needs to learn how to keep his cool--mm-hmm, a thoroughly distanced Remco Evenepoel angrily jerking out his radio--and thus the helpful, encouraging voice of his DS--as Egan Bernal blasted the time away on the strade sterrate of a legitimately epic stage 10.  You are, in fact, a humungous talent--but you ain't Contador yet, princess, so listen up when you're told to or else! Corollary Resentful Domestique Award: Joao Almeida, tersely acknowledging he was "disappointed" at having to schlep back to help the undeserving little twerp, despite being 4 minutes back on *him* on GC already on the first place.  That must've been one awkward dinner table that night--anyone got video?

Smack-Talk o' the Race: Stage 12. A rare opportunity (for second and third place, but whatever), as Andrea Vendrame capitalizes on some tactical dithering between George Bennett and Gianluca Brambilla to surge ahead unchallenged for the win. And after dangerously swerving to cut off Bennett to punish him for (arguably reasonably) not working in the chase, leading to relegation for jerkfacery, it was Brambilla lamming into Bennett to the cameras, sniping "just ask George Bennett how to lose the race. Sometimes it's better to watch some racing on TV so you know how to do it."  Still, Bennett does deserve kudos for managing to haul his musette for 60 kilometers to the line like he was about to ditch the corsa rosa for a leisurely stop at a farmer's market a few stages later.  Punk he may be, but litterbug he ain't!

Holy Cow That Could've Been Uncomfortable Mechanical of All Eternity: y'know, sometimes someone just drops a chain or gets caught on the wrong wheel to derail their sprint, and sometimes, you're about to be impaled with a giant titanium rod up your !@#.  This time, it was the latter, and monster points--and a fine save o' the delicate nether regions--by Fernando Gaviria on stage 13 for having the quick reflexes and mad bike-handling skills to stay airborne, upright, and miraculously uninjured after being startled by the snap of his seat post and subsequent unwanted ejection of his saddle with less than one kilometer to the line in a hotly-contested sprint.  Get that man a beer--and get his mechanic the hell outta Italy!

Shut-Yer-Eyes Save o' the Giro: sure, Astana's made a specialty out of attacking downhill under the slipperiest most treacherous conditions, usually, like Movistar's fruitless tactics, to no avail whatsoever.  But you gotta admire we love ex-and-ever-Euskaltel rider Gorka Izagirre, who came within a gnat's whisker of a painful face-plant into a roadside van skidding out on a Stage 6 descent in the Dolomiti before he pulled his foot outta the pedal and the rest of him fortunately outta harm's way.  Oh, give it up, you were too so either covering your eyes the whole time, there's no shame seeing that just in replays! 

Liar Liar Pants on Fire Statuette: yes, their team leader got knocked out early, so Bahrain-Victorious was honor-bound to do something special for him and salvage the race.  But an early stage win by Gino Mader, a second on Monte Zoncolan by Jan Tratnik, and a solo stage win and second on the overall podium by unsung worker-bee Damiano Caruso?  *That* was one bitchin' tribute, and no, you can't rewrite history and pretend you saw any of that coming.  Well done boys--now get a nice rest before you all humbly propel Landa to victory in the Vuelta!

Punk-!@# Move o' the Race: normally, this goes to Alejandro Valverde for ostentatiously undercutting his own team captain by attacking during a nature break, 'not seeing' his leader'd lost his wheel despite high-volume in-ear screaming from his outraged team car, or slipping a coupla doses of Ex-Lax into his bidon, but with Bala saving up for the Tour de France, this one goes to glamour-boy fan favorite and resurgent creaky old guy Peter Sagan, who, having the power and authority within the peloton to do so, relentlessly cut off and squelched any lowly peon with breakaway ambitions who could even remotely be a threat to his maglia ciclamino with such obnoxious efficiency that even UCI had to take notice and fine 'im.  Aw, he batted his eyelashes--wait, was that the Cutest Rider Ever Award we were giving him?

Like a Virgin Prize(s): Fortunato. Taco van der Hoorn. Alberto Bettiol.  Vendrame. Lafay. Mader. Schmid. Dan Martin.  Nizzolo, after 11--count 'em, 11!--second places at his home Grand Tour.  About 5 other guys you never get to hear of (I *know*, everyone's heard of Martin, I *know*).  This year's Giro, just about everyone who's never won a professional race, much less a Grand Tour stage,  and in particular a bunch of riders who spend 99% of their lives busting their rumps in obscurity for other, more heralded superstars, managed to take a Giro d'Italia victory, and even the occasional maglia rosa, from the expected usual suspects.  Love it, love it, love it--gentlemen, collect yer prizes!

Moral Outrage of the Giro: Sure, even Mario Cipollini was known to bail on the Giro rather'n 'honor the race' by facing the fruitless agony of his home-race mountains.  But when wee sprinter Caleb Ewan cuts his losses after a doppio of stage wins? Heresy! Aw, c'mon, he *said* he was only here to take a stage in every Grand Tour this season, and there pretty much *were* no other sprint stages left--*you* wanna be the teammate dragging his resentful carcass to the finish line within the time cut every day?

Last But Not Least, Domestique o' the Race: y'know, I was all set to hand this one to the fearsome Filippo Ganna, who has every reason to act like a complete snot of a prima donna and whose selfless unstoppable pounding of the terrified tarmac led the way for the most trouble-free fight for GC since the Armstrong PostalDiscovery train was--and I'm 100% sure this is a total coincidence--at the height of its, um, natural powers.  And Dani Martinez' inspiring yell and fist-shake into a lightly-cracking Egan Bernal's face at a desperate moment is the photograph that dreams are made of. But watching Bahrain-Merida's presumptive successor-captain we love Pello Bilbao grind to a near-halt on the final climb of the penultimate day to help ensure outta-nowhere Damiano Caruso's stunning second on the overall podium--and a gorgeous solo stage win to boot--it's pretty impossible to pick anyone else.  Well done ever-Carrot Pello--now let this guy off the leash for a stage win next year!

Well, time to dismantle the multilayered Giro shrine in my living room, mourn what wasn't (oh Mikel!), and celebrate what was til the Vuelta, or I guess that golden hype-fest in July's on too.  Anyway, thanks to all for sticking it out for a fabulous race, and congrats to all our worthy honorees--whether you should be proud of what you won for, or not!

Tuesday, May 25, 2021

It's Yer Giro d'Italia Rest Day Due Roundup!

 1. Welp, there's your final maglia rosa.  Barring Egan Bernal's back locking up or a major crash that is, both of which we dearly hope won't happen.  Even better, the kid's win was assisted when he had to outrun two !@#$in' nutwhacks chasing him with chainsaws. Sure, your team's an Evil Empire of doping cheating RadioSkank-train scumweasels, but you honor the race and speak fluent Italian, so we love you anyway Egan!

2. On a related note, Bernal may still be a whippersnapper, but that was extremely respectful and canny--as well as a smashing dope-smack to your competitors--to ditch the rain jacket without crashing to show off the maglia rosa when he won coming off Passo Giau.  *That* visual's gotta hurt Yates!

3. Speaking of fan bull!@#$, who was that who grabbed that screaming shoving germ-vector !@#$wit who damn near knocked Fortunato off his bike, and almost out of the Giro, a little over 1k out on his agonizing win on the Zoncolan? *That*'s right, mother!@#$ers, it was two time Giro d'Italia campione and personal Zoncolan victor we love smack-talking Gilberto !@#$in' Simoni, who together with his wife went all Bernard Hinault on his !@# and dragged him away from Fortunato to take the win.  Don't !@#$ with a guy whose grandmother sends him coke-tainted candies to enjoy, you hear?

4. Bahrain-Victorious sure hasn't let Mikel Landa's forced retirement (waaaaaaaaaaaah!) get them down.  A stage win, a second place on Zoncolan, *and* the utterly unexpected Damiano Caruso in second overall.  !@#$, well done guys--I hope they bring you all back to support Mikel in the Vuelta! 

5. And yes, I know Bernal's skipping the Tour so will take on the Vuelta, so stuff it Landa haters.  All that !@#$ Ineos is on has gotta wear off eventually, amirite?

6. What the !@#$ was that stupid crash 3k out on Stage 14? Poor Buchmann!

7. So after the preemptive cancellation, and resulting gutting of the decisive Queen stage, of the vicious Fedaia and grinding Pordoi climbs due to the invocation of the otherwise-useless UCI's Extreme Weather Protocol, RAI cheerfully broadcasted pics of the perfectly tranquillo, if mildly damp, top of both passes.  As a result, the riders' union, race organizers, governing bodies, and teams, who earlier in the day were all over each other grabbing credit for thoughtfully protecting the riders from hypothermic skating-rink total destruction, immediately began eating their own young blaming each other for the dumb!@#$ decision in the first place, with a few joyless holdouts among the tifosi forgivingly protesting that, after all, riders shouldn't be putting their frozen extremities and personal safety on the line simply to appease the sadism of a buncha sick freaks watching the spectacle from the warmth and comfort of their armchairs.  Crybabies!  Anyway, let the recriminations, half-truths, and history rewrites as to whose fault that was begin! 

8. Lay off Evenepoel, willya? He's not even old enough to drown his freakin' sorrows in Prosecco, and heck knows that erratic jackwagon Lefevere could drop that supportive bull!@#$ on a dime and feed his carcass to an actual pack of ravening wolves.  Evenepoel made no excuses, he's got the grinta to offer to stagger on, and he's still got one or two Grand Tours left in 'im before he ages out at the new geriatric standard of 23.  You go, boy!

9. There is absolutely nothing, *nothing* unusual about every climbing record ever set at the Giro during the height of the mindbogglingly uncontrolled EPO era being smashed by guys who are completely and virtuously clean.  Nothing.  But my, that's some powerful freakin' Muesli they're all eating at breakfast!

10. !@#$in' hell, cycling gods, *please* let Bauke Mollema win a stage.  What else does he have to do, barge into the time trial course and cattle-prod Filippo Ganna out of the way for a breakaway to stick? 

11. Heck knows I've had my issues with Basso and Contador over the years, but Alberto's howling 5-minute video reaction to Fortunato's win on top of the Zoncolan was both adorable and priceless.  But look, just because Eolo-Kometa earned its keep on its first Grand Tour outing doesn't mean you race organizers are excused from inviting Euskaltel back next year, RCS you punks!

Well fans, technically, it ain't over yet.  We've still got an anything-goes battle for second and third, the terrifyingly-named Splugenpass on the penultimate day, *and* the final individual time trial, in which wee Bernal needs a cushion of approximately 14 months to guarantee the final Trofeo Senza Fine in Milan. And it's the Giro, so heck knows anything could still happen.  No, not Evenpoel for Chr*st's sake--I told you all, lay off the kid!

Monday, May 17, 2021

It's Yer Giro d'Italia Rest Day Uno Roundup!

 All right, the riders've been cleared, the confetti's gone off, and, after Stage 9's fireworks, the fight for the maglia rosa is officially on.  So what've we learned, and what the hell's going on, and will?  This!

1. G$%mother!#$%ing b#$%^ c!@#theentire^&*!inplanetisouttogethimDAMMIT, right when he's on the form and in the spirits of his !@#$ing LIFE since he left Euskaltel, we love Mikel Landa is taken completely and bone-breakingly out a in Stage 4 crash in which he was just utterly pointless race-wrecking collateral damage. Also, it wasn't Dombrowski's fault. Still, you SUCK universe--*!@#$* !

2. On a related note, UCI, if you !@#$wits keeps focusing on stupid !@#$ like sock length and souvenir bidon-tosses and don't get this !@#$ing road furniture bull!@#$ in order I am going to lose my mind.  These guys are eyeball-locked on each others' wheels in a dead-on rush to the finish line and you can't be bothered to flash a !@#$ing flag at 'em til they're literally impaled on some steel pole?  When I issued my "revised UCI protocols" I didn't mean for you clowns to take 'em seriously. @#dammit!

3. On another related note, I am now all-in for we love fellow ex-Euskaltel rider Pello Bilbao on GC. Shut up, can so! Or Mikel Nieve or Gorka and every other ex-Carrot.  Please, just *one* for the orange army, boys!  Or several, that's cool too. Aupaaaaaaaaaaaa!

3. Considering that even a prominent Italian sprinter or two has been known to bail out at the first sight of high mountains in the Giro road book, it's kind of unfair to single out Caleb Ewan for monster tweet-slagging when a Grand Tour stage-win triple crown has been his stated aim all season.  Sure, it's blasphemy and he oughta honor the race by suffering through every last millimeter to Milan, but all this fuss at the Giro over a *sprinter*? 

4. On the other hand, Vincenzo Nibali of course is suffering even more miserably than expected from his crap broken wrist, but is *he* running home crying to mamma?  No, because he's Vincenzo !@#$ing Nibali, and everyone else is worthless and weak.  We love you Squalo!

5.  With his palmares, no one could really blame Filippo Ganna if he were a total princess prima donna who sat around the team bus whining between time trial victories, but you gotta hand it to him, he'll gut himself for his team any day.  Class!

6. Speaking of Skineos, it's nice to see Egan Bernal bouncing back from his endless excruciating back pain, despite the horrid team he rides for.  Okay, so the final podium is maybe a formality--with Landa out, who gives?

7. Sagan, man.  Hope Lefevere didn't already sign that check, you might be able to squeeze a few more euros outta him after today!  And anyone else think those taps of apology and congratulations after the argy-bargy to the finish line maybe weren't so friendly on some riders' ends as it seemed?

8. Viviani, man.  *Something's* gotta turn that ship around!

9. Nibali's right, that intermediate sprint today won't mean squat.  Sure was entertaining though--and I'd hate to be the rider whose estimate for the final time trial is three seconds off!

10. Contador and Basso's boys are making a very fine showing so far for their first Grand Tour outing.  So are they forgiven now, or is it still open season on the steak jokes?

11. If you're not happy that a guy named Taco, a totally unheralded kid from Cofidis, and a man who literally kisses his maglia rosa farewell won stages, I honestly don't even know what species you are.  Is there ever a more gorgeous setting for a first-ever-or-even-just-infrequent stage win than the Corsa Rosa?

12. Bauke Mollema.  Like you don't want him to take a stage after all that work he's put in?

13. Extreme Weather Protocols.  Watching these guys skid over the tarmac like drunken Ice Capades rejects, is anyone else convinced that they're pretty much bull!@#$ ?

14. Finally, UCI, while we're thinking about stupid !@#$ you do, what the !@#$ is these stupid new rules where it's better to have a support vehicle and a DS dispose of a freakin' rainjacket properly than to *avoid running over an actual human cyclist*?  If they can't do this stupid crap without turning the riders into bowling pins, back the !@#$ off so they don't have to fear being whacked at 30 miles an hour! 

Anyway, I know I've missed out on buckets, but them's mine.  Good luck in the Dolomites suckers, and vai vai vai Pellooooooooooooooo! 

Friday, May 07, 2021

It's Yer Giro de Italia in Preview, Part Tre: The Sprinters, the Stage Hunters, and a Dance Performance for the Ages!

 Holy crap tifosi, we made it--it's just one day til the fabulous Giro d'Italia!  The teams are presented, the coffee-table shrine to hot pink glory's in place, the spritz is ready to be poured--so let's plunge in for our last minute preview of Giro Stuff We Really Wanna Happen!

1. The Sprinters: well, wee Caleb Ewan sez he's all-in to win at least one stage in the Giro, Tour, and Vuelta this year, and if his form so far is any indication, for once, this isn't any of that casually arrogant sprinter bull!@#$ that sent me screaming toward the discreet exploits of the mountaineers who let their legs (and an occasional well-chosen insult) do the talking when first (and frankly, by far still) I got into this sport. So why not? Forza Caleb!  Of course, it's all overshadowed now by the bitter dispute between horrific face-smashing crash survivor Fabio Jakobsen and accidental near-career-destroyer Dylan Groenewegen, who appeared to reach detente after some incredibly gracious statements by Jakobsen, some serious time to heal, a controversial 8-month UCI ban and careful withdrawal by Groenewegen, some tentative forgiveness from the peloton, and, just yesterday unfortunately, a harsh rebuke of an apparently wholly unapologetic and unself-aware Groenewegen bragging about a productive, brotherly, and theoretically confidential meeting with Fabio that Jakobsen himself took a totally and far-less congratulatory view of.  Please just let Fabio heal inside and out, whatever else happens between you boys! Other fast men to watch this year, at least til they hit the base of the Zoncolan and have the sense and self-preservation to say "!@#$ this !@#$ !": Elia Viviani, coming off a coupla crap seasons with buckets to prove and who will stick it out to the end anyway to honor the race; Dylan Groenewegen, who better watch his back as well as the wheel in front of him; Giacomo Nizzolo and Fernando Gaviria, equally eager to and capable of delivering for the home crowd; that punk Moscon, on very good form; and, of course, not-a-pure-sprinter-but-you-better-not-!@#$-with-him Peter Sagan, freshly shorn, wily as hell, and, of course, with the kind of legendary panache the Giro lives for.  Forza Elia--just watch out for those dumb!@# motos this time, willya?

2. The Stage Hunters: as usual, there are several opportunities here for breakout stardom: days when the route is hilly but not so treacherous as to waste the time and energy of the GC contenders; and days when we hit the highest high passes and the childhood dreams of triumphant mountaintop glory are coldly shunted aside in favor of marking one's GC rivals and simply squashing any dangerous pretentions of podium-place one-upmanship.  You want flowers, or you want the Trofeo Senza Fine, pal?  Anyhow, we've got a plethora of big talent here, some in the twilight of their careers, some at the beginning looking to justify the hype and up their contract-season bargaining power, and the occasional, unknowable breakout shocker with his heart on his sleeve and--well, just don't !@#$ this up with an illegal supertuck, punk!  My picks, and yes, they're 90% ex-Euskatel who SHOULD BE HERE YOU INGRATES: we  love Gorka Izaguirre, as bro Ion takes a well-deserved rest; Filippo Ganna, surprisingly vulnerable this season in the time trials but cut him some !@#damn slack whydontcha the man's not a robot which if you all recall is actually a *good* thing; Jai Hindley, who'd love to prove that last year's exploits weren't a freak of weird timing and a !@#$ed-up field; LL Cool Sanchez, who started as a baby with Contador but is still at the front of every break and attack and deserves a last GT stage just for grinta; Nibs, who if he realizes he can't fight for GC will nonetheless crush the pain like a mosquito and go for a yuge mountaintop finale; Basso and Contador's boys in to stretch their legs and impress their legendary bosses at least in the breaks; we love Pello Bilbao, who we'll particularly love if he crushes himself for Landa and still manages the time and good luck to be let out to go for a mere stage win; guys that are unjustifiably hyped for GC like Buchmann, sometimes-not-quites-but-still-really-really-goods like Bardet and Soler; and for me, most of all, I'd love Mikel Nieve to take another stage, because frankly, that victory in 2018 at Cervinia on his 34th birthday 7 years to the day from his last one right in front of me literally made me cry.  Aupa grandeeeeeeeeeees!

3. Ceeeeee-le-brate Good Times, Come On!: finally, I'd be incredibly remiss in my interminable run-on sentences if I didn't stop to praise the remarkable pre-race team presentation, with not only a lovely orchestra, lushly talented singer, parade of otherwise-banned podium babes in those reliable cyclist standbys six inch stilettos bearing flags, and oh, right, the *riders* and even (respectful touch, I thought) the DSes, but also a Cirque-de-Soleil/Madonna-in-her-Vogue-Period/Bondage-esque dance performance, which you really, really oughta look up on the internet because I'm mostly geo-barred here.  So with that, and EF and Bardiani's trippy new kits, searing our eyeballs, time to bust out the Europop, kick back with some lovely Tuscan reds, and get ready for the of course the mountains, but also the gravel stretches that'll probably make or break this whole show!

Wednesday, May 05, 2021

It's Yer Giro d'Italia in Preview, Part Due: the GC Contenders!

 Yes, dear reader(s), it's *still* happening, so with the updated start lists finally out, and everyone who no one gives a crap if they even rode it or not already popped for this year by the ace antidoping enforcers over at UCI, it's time to review our General Classifications Contenders!  The field, with pros and cons:

1. Mikel Landa: Yeah, I said it. And if I read one more twitter poll about who's gonna win that doesn't list him I'm gonna spit--me, a delicate, genteel lady! Anyway, two issues: (1) Confidence. If his !@#$in' DS makes those big sad puppy-dog eyes fill with tears or even crease his brow by slagging him in the press this year you wankers, he will collapse like a souffle' in an earthquake, so you can shut yer freakin' yap with any of that !@#$ing bull!@#$ *right now*, you hear! (2) The second time trial.  FFS Bahrain, you need to pad this boy's lead by at least a minute by the penultimate day or Mikel's gonna be swiped off the podium like a bad Tinder profile.  DON'T mess this up you guys! Strengths: Pello, who's been on fire this year, sez he's committed to having Mikel's back.  Yeah, I've heard that before--but let's hope he really means it!  And the squad is really bringing a bangin' group.  And Mikel genuinely seems a jillion times happier than he was at Team BackStab or SquanderMe. So stay upright Mikel and pace yourself--those final-week mountains are yours!

2. Pello Bilbao: Look, I *love* our dear ex-Carrot, and hope he at least has the luxury of popping off the front for a stage win.  But have you not read a !@#damn thing I just told you in the first paragraph?!  It's like that time Scarponi could've pulled off at the cafe for a beer and a massage and still beaten everyone else to the line but graciously waited for Nibali, or when Sepp Kuss could've taken the stage twice while Roglic was desperately trying to grind back up to him, but they still *did their jobs*.  Aupa Pello--within reason, of course!

2. Vincenzo Nibali: sure, our two-time champ's getting a little long in the tooth as Grand Tour GC winners go, but I mean, not eligible-for-the-old-person's-home-Chris-Horner-bagging-the-Vuelta old, and look how *that* panned out. And of course, Lo Squalo's starting off somewhat hampered in training and form by a busted wrist.  But he *is* the mitico Shark, he adores his home race, and HE WILL HOLD THAT DAMN JOINT TOGETHER WITH DUCT TAPE AND RUSTY NAILS IF HE HAS TO SO UNDERESTIMATE HIM AT YOUR ETERNAL HELLBOUND PERIL YOU QUIVERING WEAKLINGS!

3. Simon Yates: I know.  He doesn't want any pressure either.  And he can't fake out to the peloton that he's really his brother now that they're actually on different squads.  And he's acting awfully nonplussed for someone going after one of the biggest--and definitely the most beautiful--prizes in cycling.  His form looks great, he hasn't been afraid to hit the gas pedal just so he won't tip off his competitors, and he is just floating when he accelerates.  If he doesn't crack after the mountains in the second week--and if he can manage against, or with, other teams that are more formidable on paper, he's gonna be tough to out-ride.  Good luck, but I still hope Landa and Nibali beat you!

4. Egan Bernal: His back.  His back, his back, his poor poor back.  He is a gorgeous climber, and surprisingly not so catastrophically disastrous in the time trial as he oughta be.  So if he can control the pain, it's hard to picture him off the podium.  But Skineos clearly isn't optimistic, because they've named Pavel Sivakov--a very fine rider, but still--"co-leader."  Oh yeah, that !@#$ works--just ask Movistar! 

5. Remco Evenepoel: yes, he still gets age-checked for Space Mountain at Disney.  But 4 is the new 28-to-32-years-old apparently, and despite the fact that he's still coming back from a nasty crash in last year's Il Lombardia, he's carrying a lot of expectations on his back whether his team'll cave to it or not. Just don't throw those things by the side of the road or UCI'll have your !@# !

6. Dan Martin.: Cripes, he almost gets as little respect as Landa.  But no matter what kind of a day he's having, or how much a particular section is blowing his legs out, he is just *dogged*, and over three weeks and at least one stage guaranteed not to be called off until the riders already have massive hypothermia, that's the kind of grinta you need.  He was also fourth in the Vuelta last year--a pretty punishing parcours.  He may not win--but I'm still expecting pretty good things from 'im!

7. Hugh Carthy: He won on the Angliru, and podiumed at the Vuelta.  Whether you think that was due to everyone's weird schedule, everyone's weird form, or an entirely weird race, that is indisputably some badassery.  Maybe not this year--but if things go sideways, and with EF reportedly debuting yet another retina-searing kit that will distract and exhaust the rest of the peloton with screaming nightmares, you can't entirely count him out, either!

Well, them's mine, which virtually guarantees that if you bet on someone else entirely, you're likely to make a !@#$load of cash.  So good luck to all of you, but best luck to Mikel Landa of course--and bring on the mighty Zoncolan!  Last preview coming up: the sprinters and, far more importantly, the high-altitude stage hunters.  Aupa Mikel Nieveeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Saturday, May 01, 2021

Holy Crap It's Really Happening: It's Yer 2021 Giro d'Italia in Preview, Part Uno: La Corsa Rosa!

Yes, in a topsy-turvy but intermittently-hopeful cycling season in which Paris-Roubaix was postponed, La Course was !@#$ed (of course), and Valverde remains a hot young property at the age of 682, the beautiful Giro d'Italia is back in May when it belongs, and with one of the strongest fields and some of the most fearsome mountains in years, it's time to look at the course!  Here, what the boys will be battling, the crowds will be drunkenly socially-distancing at, and the couch peloton will be cheering, this year:

Week One: we start off in Torino with a short, 8.6km time trial in which we find out right off the bat exactly how many seconds dear Mikel Landa is already screwed. Go to hell, he's conserving energy for the Dolomites, you miserable haters! Stage 2: Ciao, velocisti!  The sprinters get an early chance to shine with a flat, 179km chillfest to Novara.  Please, no twitchy, stupid accidents to break our hearts, and bruise delicate peloton skins, this early!  Stage 3: A 190KM bit of a roller to wake the legs up and give the break some leeway til a slightly uphill last k for the finish in bella Canale. Stage 4: sure, enjoy the first half of the day, but the second part of the 187k turns upward, with a wicked ascent up the Colle Passerino just before the end.  Ugh, can you cameras quit sadistically focusing on the poor suffering autobus?  Stage 5: phew, after a nice massage, you can relax til you hit the rotaries and 3 corners as you approach the finish line.  At least it's pancake flat!  Next up: it's yer intro to the Apennines, as we take on some road furniture, and basically a final 15k uphill.  If you've got some early weakness, GC, now's the time to freakin' hide it!  Finally, we wrap up the week with some potential crosswinds along the Adriatic coast and a slightly uphill finale.  And yeah, be grateful while you can, sprinters!

Week 2: Are we in the mountains yet?  Gettin' there, honey, 'cause Stage 8 through Campobasso, up Bocca della Selva, a long leisurely descent, then a final hike to Guardia Saniframondi is gonna ache!  That is, til Stage 9, which tosses in a coupla Cat 2s, a Cat 3, then a Cat 1 finale up to the sarcastically-named Campo Felice, with, as a bonus for the tifosi if potentially tire-pinching for the riders, a sharp uphill gravel finish.  Yeah, they'll be "felice" when they fall off their bikes!  Stage 10 takes it down (literally) a notch, with a short 139k stage from L'Aquila to Foligna, and a long, mostly downhill 38k or so to the curvy, though paved, finale.  Enjoy your rest day, kids!  Stage 11: it's a beautiful amble through the vineyards via the strade sterrate on the Brunello di Montalcino "wine stage". Surely you hard-driving team directors'll allow these boys a decent toast tonight?  Stage 12: party's over as we head down from Siena to a quartet of Cat 3 and Cat 2 passes (including some ouchy little 14% nips on the final climb) til the surprisingly twisty end. Careful out there!  Stage 13 throws a massive bone to the two sprinters who haven't already gone home crying to Mamma on a paper-flat meander from Ravenna to Verona.  *Now* would be a good time to run home crying to Mamma, fast men!  Last but so very not least, Stage 14 brings on the first real splits in GC with the spectacular, and whoa-nelly painful, Monte Zoncolan.  Don't !@#$ this up, Bahrain-You-!@#damn-Well-Better-Be-Victorious!

Week 3: Lord have mercy, or at least the organizers did, 'cause Stage 15 is a trio of Cat-4 lumpers, a final wee 14% gradient as we dip into Slovenia and back into Italia, and even a short section of pave til the last 300 meters of all-out tarmac. That wasn't so bad, was it?  Good, because tomorrow you're climbing Passo Fedaia, *then* the Cima Coppi of the freakin' Pordoi, *then* the massive nut-kick of Passo Giau.  Hey, at least it's downhill to Cortina d'Ampezzo--if you've still got control of your bodily functions!  And if you don't, you got a final rest day to get 'em back.  Don't get lazy though! Stage 17: do you know the way to Canazei?  Well, from, but having largely determined the GC, we relax with a slightly less torturous jaunt to Sega d' Ala with the Cat 1 Passo di San Valentino at 155k in, then a ripping Cat 1 finale starting at 10%, plateauing at 15%, and a few nice stretches of 17 and 18% to really bring on the pain the last 11k of the race.  Mikel, you know what to do here!  Stage 18: it's a snoozy 196k through Cremona til 4 wake-up bumps in quick succession to a silky smooth finish in Stradella.  Ah, that felt nice--or it would've if most of the sprinters were still here!  Stage 19 jars you back to reality, with the Cat 1 skip to Mottarone halfway in and a gorgeous Cat 1 finish up Alpe di Mera.  Don't work too hard though boys--the GC and the podium is sealed, if it isn't already, by a brutal penultimate day with a deceptively chill first half then a cannonball into the pain cave with agonizing last-chance schleps up Passo San Bernadino, the ominously named Splugenpass, and, after a careening descent, your final, if almost forgiving, 10% reward to the top of Alpe Motta.  Seriously, you're gonna DQ me for deliriously tossing a baby fan my last water bottle NOW? Anyway, if you've got enough padding on the clock, time to celebrate, or if not, to totally legally and legitimately ride the best freakin' time trial of your life--it's yer last chance to win or lose the maglia rosa, and welcome, for better or way worse, to Milan! 

Well, that's Yer Preview Part Uno.  Next up: the General Classification contenders!  And no, even *I'm* not that nasty to poor Froomey. Well...Anyhoo, get out your Euskaltel caps BECAUSE IT'S A !@#DAMN OUTRAGE THEY WEREN'T INVITED AND THE ORGANIZERS WILL FEEL OUR PAIN AND PROTEST STRAIGHT FROM OUR LIVING ROOMS OVER THE AIRWAVES INTO THEIR TINY, SHRUNKEN, MISERABLE HEARTS, bust out the Aperol, and let's get this hot-pink party started!