Ready, Aim, Siiiiiiiiiiing!: yep, not content with being (1) retired (2) obscenely wealthy despite screwing an entire sport into eternal ignominy or (3) yappin' to BBC how he'd dope again anyway, fallen hero Lance Armstrong is yet again ho-ing himself for the limelight, now appearing in a close rocker friend's hi-larious new video, including, according to the fine folks at cyclingnews, a voice mail message in which he cautions the listener to "step the !@#$ off, Lance." !@#$, he's threatening poor Tyler Hamilton *again*? Anyhoo, here, Lance sings his eponymous hit single:
BMC, They're Totally Cool Again: and, in Team BMC's continued redemption from having hosed we love Thor, Philippe, *and* Samuel Sanchez the last couple seasons, the squad is bringing its A-game to Cadel Evans' official farewell to the peloton in his Cadel Evans Great Ocean Road Race, including, of course, Cadel and new re-sign Samu. Now bow to him at the Grand Tours BMC and you'll *really* have earned your keep already this season!
It Pays to Beat Mark Cavendish: finally, congrats to youngster Fernando Gaviria, who recently beat Mark Cavendish in a sprint at the Tour de San Luis, because thanks to his win over a most formidable opponent, he's reportedly now considering offers from both a Belgian and a French World Tour squad. Belgian, huh?--so *that's* what Cav's gonna do, absorb the boy into his 2015 lead-out train at Quick Step! Fast *and* smart, that Manx Missile is...
Showing posts with label cadel evans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cadel evans. Show all posts
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Crikey, Cadel! A Farewell Career-in-Review
Look, I'll admit I thought of Cadel Evans for some years as rather a wheel-sucker. But then I realized I was a nit, and it must've just been his famous tenacity--because later in the game, he finally did start attacking, often under the worst possible conditions, and when he did, it was beautiful. So in honor of his final WorldTour race, and a certain place of honor in the history books, here's a brief retirement farewell Career In Review:
Cadel the Whippersnapper: far from beginning as a pampered roadie princess, Cadel started out as a mountain biker, which likely explains his bangin' later performance on crap road conditions that make yer average slick-dweller run whimpering to the team bus as fast as his wraithlike legs can carry him. Two time mountain bike world cup champ back in the day, with a couple of top-ten Olympic finishes as bookends, and tests show he's some sort of oxygen-absorbing genetic freak to boot. Really, his nickname was "the Lung"?
2000: Cadel gets some training tutelage from later-controversial Dr. Michele Ferrari. Oh, don't shoot the messenger for Chrissakes, by all accounts it was (1) actually training advice and (2) a one-off!
2001: Cadel joins Saeco and bags the Tour of Austria--nails it again in 2004. His fine road palmares begins!
2002: Cadel starts working with revered Italian roadie god Aldo Sassi. 1st stage at the Tour Down Under, a stage at the Settimana Ciclistica, and a top-15 and a day in the maglia rosa in the glorious Giro--woo-hoo!
2006: Top 10 in the Tour de France, Cadel also smacks both Alejandro Valverde and baby prodigy Alberto Contador in the Tour of Romandie. Not bad considering the !@#$ Valverde was apparently on in that dark Operacion Puerto year!
2007: a time trial win at the Tour de France and 2nd overall to Alberto. Holy crap, this guy is really serious!
2008: Scandalous dopeland Astana--and Contador--are out of the Tour, but it's dear little Sastre who takes the overall as Cadel takes 2nd after one disastrous crack. But 4 days in the maillot jaune ain't nothing to apologize for Cadel! And what's not to love about a guy who threatens to cut the head off anyone who steps on his dog after a particularly crap day on the bike, and sells t-shirts with the slogan on his own website to boot?
2009: A horrible Tour sez he's counted out for good, but a very fine Vuelta and a day in gold sez otherwise. Plus, his place in history is sealed--it's the Worlds, beeyotches!
2010: Maglia rosa, points classification, and a truly epic--truly--win on stage 10 on a miserable mudfest over Alexander Vinokourov. This cements it--I mean literally, he looked like he was covered in cement! Also holds the maillot jaune with a fractured elbow in July, though his overall Tour's a disaster. No race for crybabies--right on Cadel!
2011: Yeah, almost everyone thought he was out, after his nauseating see-saw in the GC the past few years--but he won his Tour de France, Australia's first too and the oldest winner in the modern era. First of many for the Aussies, too, judging by the boys he inspired after him!
2012: Another tough July at the office, with repeat bonks, a struggle with illness or exhaustion--and still a top-10 finish that would be the crown of most riders' careers. We still believe in you Cadel!
2013-2014: Will you cut the guy a little slack? He's a !@#$damn World Champ and Tour de France winner for !@#$'s sake!
2015: Twilight my !@#--the man just pulled off a podium spot in his home race and the last--besides his namesake one--of his career. A fine sendoff to one of the grittiest men ever to stick it through in the peloton--congratulations and thank you Cadel!
Cadel the Whippersnapper: far from beginning as a pampered roadie princess, Cadel started out as a mountain biker, which likely explains his bangin' later performance on crap road conditions that make yer average slick-dweller run whimpering to the team bus as fast as his wraithlike legs can carry him. Two time mountain bike world cup champ back in the day, with a couple of top-ten Olympic finishes as bookends, and tests show he's some sort of oxygen-absorbing genetic freak to boot. Really, his nickname was "the Lung"?
2000: Cadel gets some training tutelage from later-controversial Dr. Michele Ferrari. Oh, don't shoot the messenger for Chrissakes, by all accounts it was (1) actually training advice and (2) a one-off!
2001: Cadel joins Saeco and bags the Tour of Austria--nails it again in 2004. His fine road palmares begins!
2002: Cadel starts working with revered Italian roadie god Aldo Sassi. 1st stage at the Tour Down Under, a stage at the Settimana Ciclistica, and a top-15 and a day in the maglia rosa in the glorious Giro--woo-hoo!
2006: Top 10 in the Tour de France, Cadel also smacks both Alejandro Valverde and baby prodigy Alberto Contador in the Tour of Romandie. Not bad considering the !@#$ Valverde was apparently on in that dark Operacion Puerto year!
2007: a time trial win at the Tour de France and 2nd overall to Alberto. Holy crap, this guy is really serious!
2008: Scandalous dopeland Astana--and Contador--are out of the Tour, but it's dear little Sastre who takes the overall as Cadel takes 2nd after one disastrous crack. But 4 days in the maillot jaune ain't nothing to apologize for Cadel! And what's not to love about a guy who threatens to cut the head off anyone who steps on his dog after a particularly crap day on the bike, and sells t-shirts with the slogan on his own website to boot?
2009: A horrible Tour sez he's counted out for good, but a very fine Vuelta and a day in gold sez otherwise. Plus, his place in history is sealed--it's the Worlds, beeyotches!
2010: Maglia rosa, points classification, and a truly epic--truly--win on stage 10 on a miserable mudfest over Alexander Vinokourov. This cements it--I mean literally, he looked like he was covered in cement! Also holds the maillot jaune with a fractured elbow in July, though his overall Tour's a disaster. No race for crybabies--right on Cadel!
2011: Yeah, almost everyone thought he was out, after his nauseating see-saw in the GC the past few years--but he won his Tour de France, Australia's first too and the oldest winner in the modern era. First of many for the Aussies, too, judging by the boys he inspired after him!
2012: Another tough July at the office, with repeat bonks, a struggle with illness or exhaustion--and still a top-10 finish that would be the crown of most riders' careers. We still believe in you Cadel!
2013-2014: Will you cut the guy a little slack? He's a !@#$damn World Champ and Tour de France winner for !@#$'s sake!
2015: Twilight my !@#--the man just pulled off a podium spot in his home race and the last--besides his namesake one--of his career. A fine sendoff to one of the grittiest men ever to stick it through in the peloton--congratulations and thank you Cadel!
Friday, January 23, 2015
BMC Doesn't Bite It Anymore! Carnage at the Tour Down Under! Landis for the Quote o' the Year!
Woot Woot Samu!: okay, The Squad Whose Team Kit Shall Not Be Showcased is officially out of the doghouse--as dear tweeps leapt to inform me, BMC's come back to their once-addled senses and re-signed we love Samuel Sanchez for another season. I hope you made them pay for their waffling Samu! Anyway, our ex-Euskaltel Holy Crap He's Still An Olympic Gold Medalist And Did You See That Tour de France King of the Mountains Jersey climber will be back at the Grand Tours where he belongs, and for my money, a guy who can bag a top-ten result when he's theoretically there just to mentor the whippersnappers is a bitchin' grab indeed. Woot woot--now help Cadel get one last stage win and be nice to Philippe Gilbert and you are *really* gonna redeem yourselves, BMC! 
The Bone Collector: in the suckier side of pro cycling, the early-season body count's already piling up at the Tour Down Under after a crash near the line yesterday, with sternums, ribs, hands and wrists fractured, considerable road rash incurred, and, for Kenny Dehaes, a nasty mangling finger-catch in his own wheel taking him outta the race. !@#$, first some clown sucker-punches 'im last year, now this misfortune--can't the finish-line gods cut this poor boy some slack already? Get better soon everybody--and remember, the season's just beginning, so I'm sure you'll be back in one piece in plenty of time to enjoy the rest of it!
Landis on LeMond: meanwhile, disgraced ex-Tour winner Floyd Landis has laid into Greg LeMond for supporting Lance's lifetime ban while also palling around with doping-era suspect miscreants like Hinault and Indurain, and, in the early preemptive win for the 2015 Racejunkie Awards Quote o' the Year, blamed such favoritism and hypocrisy (along with, y'know, such fine team doctors as Rabobank's, and briefly Sky's, Geert Leinders) for legit sponsors fleeing the sport so that now it's being bankrolled "primarily by bored wealthy men who need a reason to give their wives about why they spend so much time with young leg-shaving men in tight pants." Really, it wasn't headlines like "PHONAK SPONSORS GIANT DOPE FIENDS" or "DISCOVERY--OUR GUYS HEART PEDs" that did it? Geez, Landis, you already had to keep outta France so they wouldn't prosecute your !@#, now you gotta stay a half-step ahead of easily irritated bored wealthy men like Tinkov talking smack like that too? Yep, takes a brave man to speak out--but it might explain a *little* bit why more discreet gents like, say, Van de Velde are still gettin' some love from the sport!
The Bone Collector: in the suckier side of pro cycling, the early-season body count's already piling up at the Tour Down Under after a crash near the line yesterday, with sternums, ribs, hands and wrists fractured, considerable road rash incurred, and, for Kenny Dehaes, a nasty mangling finger-catch in his own wheel taking him outta the race. !@#$, first some clown sucker-punches 'im last year, now this misfortune--can't the finish-line gods cut this poor boy some slack already? Get better soon everybody--and remember, the season's just beginning, so I'm sure you'll be back in one piece in plenty of time to enjoy the rest of it!
Landis on LeMond: meanwhile, disgraced ex-Tour winner Floyd Landis has laid into Greg LeMond for supporting Lance's lifetime ban while also palling around with doping-era suspect miscreants like Hinault and Indurain, and, in the early preemptive win for the 2015 Racejunkie Awards Quote o' the Year, blamed such favoritism and hypocrisy (along with, y'know, such fine team doctors as Rabobank's, and briefly Sky's, Geert Leinders) for legit sponsors fleeing the sport so that now it's being bankrolled "primarily by bored wealthy men who need a reason to give their wives about why they spend so much time with young leg-shaving men in tight pants." Really, it wasn't headlines like "PHONAK SPONSORS GIANT DOPE FIENDS" or "DISCOVERY--OUR GUYS HEART PEDs" that did it? Geez, Landis, you already had to keep outta France so they wouldn't prosecute your !@#, now you gotta stay a half-step ahead of easily irritated bored wealthy men like Tinkov talking smack like that too? Yep, takes a brave man to speak out--but it might explain a *little* bit why more discreet gents like, say, Van de Velde are still gettin' some love from the sport!
Monday, January 19, 2015
Cav Takes the Low Road! Ex-Doperama Wild Cards at the Giro! Yep, This Is the Cycling We Know and Love
And It's Mark Cavendish for the Cheap-Shot!: Don't like a journalist's perfectly reasonable question as to the current state of cleanliness of the sport--not even about your own? Well, here's yer perfectly reasonable response: don't answer, *and* suggest that his spouse is bangin' someone else. Keepin' it classy, Cav! Fortunately, before actual blows were exchanged as to the journo's wife's virtue, karma caught up with the graceless rider as he immediately lost his first sprint of the season at the Tour de San Luis to someone, Fernando Gaviria, he'd never heard of. Did you see Mr. Kittel's race yesterday, Mr. Cavendish? Hey, who you calling a !@#$% ?! Here, via Veloropa, the friendly exchange, and world champ Michal Kwiatkowski's impressively contained reaction:
Giro d'Holy Moly How'd These Clowns Get In Here?: y'know, I fully support the smooth reintegration of genuinely remorseful former dopers and vicious vengeful cornered badgers, like Lance Armstrong, back into the peloton. Especially when it's at the expense of an up-and-coming squad of as-yet-unbesmirched climbers who already lit up one Grand Tour to spectacular, and groundbreaking, effect. And of course, nobody can take issue with the Giro d'Italia organizers wanting to support the smaller, if not historically perfectly clean, squads of Italian cycling. So why the big mean unsportsmanlike hoo-ha over a wild card like CCC Sprandi, home of 43-year-old uber-offender Davide "Gee, I Guess All That Crap Acts as Preservatives, Too" Rebellin and Stefan "I Guess It Did Look Bad to Beat Cancellara In Two Consecutive Time Trials" Schumacher getting to ride in the show? Okay, *maaaaaaybe* Nairo Quintana shouldn't've so openly dissed the beautiful Giro in favor of the overhyped Tour de France this year...but geez, punish his whole freakin' country for it whydontcha?
Pozzato Watch! finally, good news for rakish, if lately resultsless, Lampre king Pippo Pozzato: he's worked hard all winter, he's tons skinnier, and therefore, he's ready and rarin' for a back-to-winning 2015. *Pictures*, Pippo, pictures--it's not like you've been shy posting 'em all in the past!
P.S. Go Cadeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel--and we love the Tour Down Under!
Giro d'Holy Moly How'd These Clowns Get In Here?: y'know, I fully support the smooth reintegration of genuinely remorseful former dopers and vicious vengeful cornered badgers, like Lance Armstrong, back into the peloton. Especially when it's at the expense of an up-and-coming squad of as-yet-unbesmirched climbers who already lit up one Grand Tour to spectacular, and groundbreaking, effect. And of course, nobody can take issue with the Giro d'Italia organizers wanting to support the smaller, if not historically perfectly clean, squads of Italian cycling. So why the big mean unsportsmanlike hoo-ha over a wild card like CCC Sprandi, home of 43-year-old uber-offender Davide "Gee, I Guess All That Crap Acts as Preservatives, Too" Rebellin and Stefan "I Guess It Did Look Bad to Beat Cancellara In Two Consecutive Time Trials" Schumacher getting to ride in the show? Okay, *maaaaaaybe* Nairo Quintana shouldn't've so openly dissed the beautiful Giro in favor of the overhyped Tour de France this year...but geez, punish his whole freakin' country for it whydontcha?
Pozzato Watch! finally, good news for rakish, if lately resultsless, Lampre king Pippo Pozzato: he's worked hard all winter, he's tons skinnier, and therefore, he's ready and rarin' for a back-to-winning 2015. *Pictures*, Pippo, pictures--it's not like you've been shy posting 'em all in the past!
P.S. Go Cadeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel--and we love the Tour Down Under!
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Phil! Paul! Holy Crap It's We Love Robbie McEwen! The Road Season Finally Kicks Off #cycling
Yep, Still Rocks: sure, part of the reason we love legendary sprint god Robbie "the Pocket Rocket" McEwen is his pronounced tendency to actually physically rip the face of any unfortunate s.o.b. who !@#$ed with him, but we will take him being back as a commentator instead since we have to, and to all you Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen haters ticked over some minor detail like being a complete perpetual Lance Armstrong apologist and occasionally lately misnaming a rider who surely wasn't really so important anyway, stuff it, 'cause with the dulcet tones of Phil and Paul and Robbie to shout out the Aussies for the Tour Down Under's preview race, the 2015 road season is officially underway! First blood: Marcel Kittel, over Juan Jose "Can You Believe a Sprinter Who Can Come In Second to Kittel Got His Start at Freakin' Euskaltel?!" Lobato, though I note that chief smackdown rival Cav is *not* on hand, so Cavendish loyalists, not to worry just yet! On the women's side: Melissa Hoskins takes the day while Italian teammate Scandolara holds the GC. Forza ragazza--but watch out, Bronzini was already fifth in the sprint!
Boonen's Year Starts Off Right: and, congratulations to casa Boonen, as he and his companion Lore are now proud parents of wee twins Jacqueline and Valentine. Aside from, y'know, the life-changing experience of being a parent and all, what a great psychological boost to the start of the year for Tommeke--if his body doesn't now collapse from the impending total lack of sleep!
Gratuitous Fabian Cancellara FanBoy (and Girl) Swoonfest: meantime, as the heat-loving hardmen get ready for action in Australia, Trek stud-pup Fabian Cancellara, fresh off deciding to bail on his hour record attempt, is training in balmy Mallorca with Frank Schleck and co. Look--sheep--yeah, I figure none of you'd've noticed the background!
All right, on to the Tour Down Under--yeah, yeah, I get that Richie Porte's supposed to win the thing, but here's rooting one last time for retiring former Tour de France champ/ex World Road Champ/general gritty bad-!@# Cadel!
The Diss of Being Nibali: finally, yet another Tour de France GC contender, Nairo Quintana, has weighed in who he expects to be his biggest rival in July--yep, last year's crash-out Alberto Contador. Y'know, it's about the umpteenth interview with these guys, and not *one* of 'em's picked Nibali as the number-one dude to fear. If you were Nibali, wouldn't *you* be getting awfully pissed off by now?
Boonen's Year Starts Off Right: and, congratulations to casa Boonen, as he and his companion Lore are now proud parents of wee twins Jacqueline and Valentine. Aside from, y'know, the life-changing experience of being a parent and all, what a great psychological boost to the start of the year for Tommeke--if his body doesn't now collapse from the impending total lack of sleep!
Gratuitous Fabian Cancellara FanBoy (and Girl) Swoonfest: meantime, as the heat-loving hardmen get ready for action in Australia, Trek stud-pup Fabian Cancellara, fresh off deciding to bail on his hour record attempt, is training in balmy Mallorca with Frank Schleck and co. Look--sheep--yeah, I figure none of you'd've noticed the background!
All right, on to the Tour Down Under--yeah, yeah, I get that Richie Porte's supposed to win the thing, but here's rooting one last time for retiring former Tour de France champ/ex World Road Champ/general gritty bad-!@# Cadel!
The Diss of Being Nibali: finally, yet another Tour de France GC contender, Nairo Quintana, has weighed in who he expects to be his biggest rival in July--yep, last year's crash-out Alberto Contador. Y'know, it's about the umpteenth interview with these guys, and not *one* of 'em's picked Nibali as the number-one dude to fear. If you were Nibali, wouldn't *you* be getting awfully pissed off by now?
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Five Days to Go: It's Your Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Uno: The Course, and the GC Contenders!
Let's face it: the guys in GC contention for the Vuelta are either guys who really wanted to do the Tour, but weren't allowed to; who crashed out of the Tour, and are trying to make up for it; and Purito Rodriguez. And oh, right, last year's vaunted "OH MY GOD HE'S THE MOST ANCIENT FOSSIL TO WIN A GRAND TOUR EVER" winner probably wants it pretty bad too. That said, it is one bangin' field, so let's take a quick preview of the course and get straight to our main contenders:
The Course: Pain. Sun-sweltering, near-vertical, leg-cramping steeps o' pain. Thirteen--that's right, thirteen!--hilly and outright freakin' mountain stages with a total of 40 mountains, 5 flat stages to satisfy the two sprinters and whatever halfway-decent sprint-friendly carcasses are left after the mountains kick in, two individual time trials to screw Purito, and an opening 12.6k team time trial to put someone in the red jersey and find out which already-jacked GC team captain's gonna be beating his teammates over the head with a wrench that night. Don't !@#$ this up, Katusha!
The General Classification Contenders: injury-plagued or not, this is a pretty deep field, kids. Who's who:
Purito Rodriguez (Katusha): he crashed out of the Giro, rode the Tour to make up some miles, and now has his eye on his other big goal, his home Grand Tour. Strengths: he can stick in the climbs, even when he can't attack. Weaknesses: he ain't getting any younger, and one bad crosswind and he's chum at a shark festival. Root for Purito or bite it for all eternity, you faithless unbeliever!
Nairo Quintana (Movistar): Movistar was probably right to hold him back from the Tour one more year to gain experience, and he rewarded 'em, despite his disappointment, with a winning Giro d'Italia. Strengths: at a drenched-wet weight of approximately 13 ounces, he is an incredible attacker, and--if you believe he wasn't being an opportunistic punk-!@# during his controversy-plagued downhill surge at the Giro--a damn good descender as well. A bit disconcertingly, he also can pull off a decent time trial. Weaknesses: he's still got a lot to learn--though for a newbie he's done all right I guess!
Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): oh, yeah, he's still pissed about missing the podium at the Tour, so he's got something to prove--but has promised to be a good little helper to Nairo. Strengths: the man may creep us all out by this, but he's had an amazing season, and he is one canny s.o.b. Weaknesses: if there's ever been a Grand-Tour-screwing catastrophe in the vicinity, Valverde will manage to find it. And don't start getting any ideas about the top of the podium unless and until Nairo's blown it!
Chris Froome (Sky): his Tour was a cold, rainy, crash-marred disaster, but he didn't destroy anything that kept him from training again for too long, and he'd love to prove he was right about how he'd've pounded Nibali if he'd stayed upright. Strengths: for someone who flaps around on the bike like a drunk-!@# pelican, he is one hell of a climber. Weaknesses: Sky this season is a miserable, disjointed trainwreck. Hey, at least Wiggo's not pretending he wants to be there to help you!
Alberto Contador (Tinkov): oh, please. Even he's got his physical limits, and it did take him a couple seasons there to get back into his post-ban groove. But quiet as he is, he is one of the most competitive riders that's ever been. Strengths: this ain't his first ride on this pony--he knows what it takes to win his Vuelta. Plus, he's got a strong team to back him, and even better, Oleg'll kick his butt to the back of the line behind Sagan if he doesn't at least salvage something in the race's final week. Weaknesses: well, he *did* just break his leg. Even for Contador, that's gotta take *some* kinda toll!
Cadel Evans (BMC): ah, the Old Man of the Mountains. He had a pretty dispiriting Giro, and wasn't allowed to ride his dear Tour. Plus, he's riding with BMC, which this year has been the Graveyard of Champions. Weaknesses: you read 'em. Strengths: one day of crappy weather, and he'll gain multiple minutes on his cringing rivals. Go get 'em Cadel you hardman!
Samuel Sanchez (BMC): Shut up! Can so either! Especially since we still haven't heard if he's signed a contract for next year. Woo-hoo, Samu--a stage win at least should be yours!
Chris Horner (Lampre): quit laughing--he may be older'n Moses, but he did win this race last year, and no matter what the field or vagaries of luck he was up against, that just don't happen if you suck. Strengths: he is just so *dogged*, man. Weaknesses: I love 'em, but Lampre? Up against these other squads? I don't know pal...
Well, I'm sure I'm missing someone you're pulling for, and of course, everyone from Euskaltel (oh Euskaltel!) is on *fire* this season. Next up: the climbers. Yes, there are other ones besides the GC guys! 'Til then, it's the Vuelta's Official Promo to get you into the groove:
The Course: Pain. Sun-sweltering, near-vertical, leg-cramping steeps o' pain. Thirteen--that's right, thirteen!--hilly and outright freakin' mountain stages with a total of 40 mountains, 5 flat stages to satisfy the two sprinters and whatever halfway-decent sprint-friendly carcasses are left after the mountains kick in, two individual time trials to screw Purito, and an opening 12.6k team time trial to put someone in the red jersey and find out which already-jacked GC team captain's gonna be beating his teammates over the head with a wrench that night. Don't !@#$ this up, Katusha!
The General Classification Contenders: injury-plagued or not, this is a pretty deep field, kids. Who's who:
Purito Rodriguez (Katusha): he crashed out of the Giro, rode the Tour to make up some miles, and now has his eye on his other big goal, his home Grand Tour. Strengths: he can stick in the climbs, even when he can't attack. Weaknesses: he ain't getting any younger, and one bad crosswind and he's chum at a shark festival. Root for Purito or bite it for all eternity, you faithless unbeliever!
Nairo Quintana (Movistar): Movistar was probably right to hold him back from the Tour one more year to gain experience, and he rewarded 'em, despite his disappointment, with a winning Giro d'Italia. Strengths: at a drenched-wet weight of approximately 13 ounces, he is an incredible attacker, and--if you believe he wasn't being an opportunistic punk-!@# during his controversy-plagued downhill surge at the Giro--a damn good descender as well. A bit disconcertingly, he also can pull off a decent time trial. Weaknesses: he's still got a lot to learn--though for a newbie he's done all right I guess!
Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): oh, yeah, he's still pissed about missing the podium at the Tour, so he's got something to prove--but has promised to be a good little helper to Nairo. Strengths: the man may creep us all out by this, but he's had an amazing season, and he is one canny s.o.b. Weaknesses: if there's ever been a Grand-Tour-screwing catastrophe in the vicinity, Valverde will manage to find it. And don't start getting any ideas about the top of the podium unless and until Nairo's blown it!
Chris Froome (Sky): his Tour was a cold, rainy, crash-marred disaster, but he didn't destroy anything that kept him from training again for too long, and he'd love to prove he was right about how he'd've pounded Nibali if he'd stayed upright. Strengths: for someone who flaps around on the bike like a drunk-!@# pelican, he is one hell of a climber. Weaknesses: Sky this season is a miserable, disjointed trainwreck. Hey, at least Wiggo's not pretending he wants to be there to help you!
Alberto Contador (Tinkov): oh, please. Even he's got his physical limits, and it did take him a couple seasons there to get back into his post-ban groove. But quiet as he is, he is one of the most competitive riders that's ever been. Strengths: this ain't his first ride on this pony--he knows what it takes to win his Vuelta. Plus, he's got a strong team to back him, and even better, Oleg'll kick his butt to the back of the line behind Sagan if he doesn't at least salvage something in the race's final week. Weaknesses: well, he *did* just break his leg. Even for Contador, that's gotta take *some* kinda toll!
Cadel Evans (BMC): ah, the Old Man of the Mountains. He had a pretty dispiriting Giro, and wasn't allowed to ride his dear Tour. Plus, he's riding with BMC, which this year has been the Graveyard of Champions. Weaknesses: you read 'em. Strengths: one day of crappy weather, and he'll gain multiple minutes on his cringing rivals. Go get 'em Cadel you hardman!
Samuel Sanchez (BMC): Shut up! Can so either! Especially since we still haven't heard if he's signed a contract for next year. Woo-hoo, Samu--a stage win at least should be yours!
Chris Horner (Lampre): quit laughing--he may be older'n Moses, but he did win this race last year, and no matter what the field or vagaries of luck he was up against, that just don't happen if you suck. Strengths: he is just so *dogged*, man. Weaknesses: I love 'em, but Lampre? Up against these other squads? I don't know pal...
Well, I'm sure I'm missing someone you're pulling for, and of course, everyone from Euskaltel (oh Euskaltel!) is on *fire* this season. Next up: the climbers. Yes, there are other ones besides the GC guys! 'Til then, it's the Vuelta's Official Promo to get you into the groove:
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Tinkoff Gets Staffed, Euskadi Gets Stiffed, and Sky Gets Dissed
I Heart Oleg: yep, Alberto Contador's team boss Oleg Tinkoff is on the rampage again, mocking Nicolas Roche for bailing for crap squad Sky, claiming he's got 4 or 5 of the non-suckage Sky riders signed for Tinkov, and generally proclaiming (probably not inaccurately) that Sagan is gonna kick everyone in the nuts in the Classics next year. But don't worry, Contador, he totally loves you too--if you hadn't crashed out, you'd have wiped the floor with that amateur Nibali by a good 3 minutes and, of course, you *are* highly likely to pound the field next year. Of course, Oleg himself put in a lazy 130k today and twitted his tired legs to prove it, so we presume that despite some weenie broken tibia you're doing the same. And pay no mind to that little savior-o'-the-team's-Tour Majka nipping at your heels all of a sudden--I'm sure he'll stay a happy domestique for you the next few seasons. Just ask Brad Wiggins how great that works!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!: and, let's bow our heads for a moment o' sniveling misery for last-Basque-holdout continental squad Fundacion Euskadi, all finished up at the August 13-17 Vuelta a Burgos and no dear Euskaltel for the youngsters to move up to. Damn, they can't *all* keep going to Movistar--anyone else willing to chip in a few bucks to start 'em up again? New directeur sportif gets a free pair of socks!
It's Le Tour! No, It's La Course! No, It's La Route!: well, whatever it is, it's not a freakin' women's three week Grand Tour yet, but back in France, we love amazon speed demon Giorgia Bronzini has bagged a fine stage-3 sprint at La Route, breaking (however briefly) Marianne Vos' record of consecutively winning everything ever and proving, yet again and in addition to its name, why Team Wiggle-Honda rocks. Now, add a Team "What-the-Hell-Catastrophically-Happened-To-You-Guys" prefix to Team Sky, and we've *really* got truth in advertising. Anyhoo, forza Giorgia grande campionessaaaaaaaaaaaa!
The Vuelta's a-Comin'!: last but not least, everyone who blew (or won) the dear Giro or crashed outta the Tour--and I stand by my opinion that anyone riding the Vuelta as some sorta grim sighing back-up plan oughta be thwapped--is finalizing their plans for the Vuelta, with Chris Froome waxing poetic on his next-year's Tour de France return and, as you know, Cadel Evans having just smoked two high stages in the Tour o' Utah. Me, I'm rooting for Purito and Samu'--as to the former, anyone who only rides the Tour 'cause they crashed out of the beautiful Giro when they were also intending to do the fabulous Vuelta gets serious brownie points from me!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!: and, let's bow our heads for a moment o' sniveling misery for last-Basque-holdout continental squad Fundacion Euskadi, all finished up at the August 13-17 Vuelta a Burgos and no dear Euskaltel for the youngsters to move up to. Damn, they can't *all* keep going to Movistar--anyone else willing to chip in a few bucks to start 'em up again? New directeur sportif gets a free pair of socks!
It's Le Tour! No, It's La Course! No, It's La Route!: well, whatever it is, it's not a freakin' women's three week Grand Tour yet, but back in France, we love amazon speed demon Giorgia Bronzini has bagged a fine stage-3 sprint at La Route, breaking (however briefly) Marianne Vos' record of consecutively winning everything ever and proving, yet again and in addition to its name, why Team Wiggle-Honda rocks. Now, add a Team "What-the-Hell-Catastrophically-Happened-To-You-Guys" prefix to Team Sky, and we've *really* got truth in advertising. Anyhoo, forza Giorgia grande campionessaaaaaaaaaaaa!
The Vuelta's a-Comin'!: last but not least, everyone who blew (or won) the dear Giro or crashed outta the Tour--and I stand by my opinion that anyone riding the Vuelta as some sorta grim sighing back-up plan oughta be thwapped--is finalizing their plans for the Vuelta, with Chris Froome waxing poetic on his next-year's Tour de France return and, as you know, Cadel Evans having just smoked two high stages in the Tour o' Utah. Me, I'm rooting for Purito and Samu'--as to the former, anyone who only rides the Tour 'cause they crashed out of the beautiful Giro when they were also intending to do the fabulous Vuelta gets serious brownie points from me!
Monday, May 26, 2014
It's Psycho(logical) Warfare in the Peloton! And, The Alps Are *On*, Baby! #giro
The Giro GC Talks Smack!: Yep, the general classification contenders are gettin' twitchy, which means they're getting nasty: oh, wee Nairo Quintana *seems* innocent enough, but even as he's complimenting countryman Rigoberto Uran, Nairo's pointing out both that he's a "better climber" than Uran *and* that Cadel seems to be weakening, Cadel's delicately professing doubts as to whether Rigo can even hold it together in the third week, Uran's making it clear he's not feeling any threat whatsoever, and Pozzovivo seems just disdainful of everybody. Well, the next few days are gonna tell us a lot, boys--just try to stay upright, so we can *really* judge who's just talking crap!
Ice Ice Baby: meantime, the Giro's already takin' a big step for 2015: in a move destined to bring even !@#$ier weather than what decimated the peloton in dear Ireland in the first few days of the Giro, the race is reportedly starting in the Netherlands in 2016. As for the more immediate problem of tomorrow's crucial stage up the snow-covered Passo Stelvio and the Gavia: the road's clear enough, we're going for it! Here, the passes this morning:
It's Yer Rider Insult Roundup!: finally, if you think Team Sky is already an imploding, stinking cesspool of prima-donna face-clawing simp-slapping infighting, you're right, they're a pack o' snarly sixth-grade alpha-gir--uh, you are just so *wrong*, as Chris Froome's tender Chris-rules-Brad-drools screw-you autobiographical paean to despised team leader Wiggo virtually guarantees that either (1) Wiggo isn't gonna ride the Tour de France at all this year or (2) Sky's gonna have to encase Froomey in a protective shark cage and repeatedly jab Wiggins with a cattle prod to get Brad to do his damn job without personally killing his captain. Keep up the good work, Froomey--maybe, with a little forethought, you can make your *other* backup riders wanna slash your tires and accidentally loosen all the screws on your time trial bike just in time for July, too!
Oh Yeah, It's Week Tre of Our Giro d'Italia Contest: so enter to win here!
Ice Ice Baby: meantime, the Giro's already takin' a big step for 2015: in a move destined to bring even !@#$ier weather than what decimated the peloton in dear Ireland in the first few days of the Giro, the race is reportedly starting in the Netherlands in 2016. As for the more immediate problem of tomorrow's crucial stage up the snow-covered Passo Stelvio and the Gavia: the road's clear enough, we're going for it! Here, the passes this morning:
It's Yer Rider Insult Roundup!: finally, if you think Team Sky is already an imploding, stinking cesspool of prima-donna face-clawing simp-slapping infighting, you're right, they're a pack o' snarly sixth-grade alpha-gir--uh, you are just so *wrong*, as Chris Froome's tender Chris-rules-Brad-drools screw-you autobiographical paean to despised team leader Wiggo virtually guarantees that either (1) Wiggo isn't gonna ride the Tour de France at all this year or (2) Sky's gonna have to encase Froomey in a protective shark cage and repeatedly jab Wiggins with a cattle prod to get Brad to do his damn job without personally killing his captain. Keep up the good work, Froomey--maybe, with a little forethought, you can make your *other* backup riders wanna slash your tires and accidentally loosen all the screws on your time trial bike just in time for July, too!
Oh Yeah, It's Week Tre of Our Giro d'Italia Contest: so enter to win here!
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
It's Yer Deep Thoughts 'n' Important Questions Peloton Roundup! and, Enter to Win! #giro
Yes, tomorrow's the 46-odd k rolling race o' truth at the Giro d'Italia, where the GC contenders will find themselves either (1) still in or (2) completely screwed and forced to issue a press release about how they've really only been targeting a week 3 stage win the whole time anyway. But not to worry, Nairo and Rigoberto can probably hold themselves up pretty well against Cadel at least! So 'til the tears start flowin':
1. Am I the only cycling fan listening to these stories from (American) football and baseball about doping and painkillers and thinkin', "what a !@#$in' pack of amateurs"?
2. !@#hole quote o' the week: Olympic gold-medalist trackie and fierce proponent of women's equality in sports Jason Kenny, opining that a women's Tour de France would result in "deaths" for the ladies involved. Also, they'll start growing chest hair, refuse to cook dinner for their husbands, and their ovaries will shrivel into Raisinettes. The horror!
3. So Chris-Anker Sorensen doesn't remember a good 20k of the race today after his crash. *Please*, DSes, if you see a boy whang his head, *take him off the bike* for heck's sake--you *know* these masochists are conditioned to ride no matter how hurt they are!
4. Oh, Jan Ullrich. You were *such* a lovable mess as a rider. Please, *please* look at what happened to some of your contemporaries--avert that downward spiral, whatever it takes!
5. Sagan's win at the Tour of California was nice and all, but he ain't lookin' like no 4 million euro man just yet this season. Unless you're Oleg Tinkov, in which case that's just the pocket change you leave the waitress at the diner. Get 'im while he's still celebrating Mick Rogers' win, kid!
6. Speaking of whom, I feel just a *little* dirty being so happy to see Mick take the win at the Giro today. But not as dirty as I do when I cheer on Contador.
7. Right, Armstrong has to testify. Is there anyone who *doesn't* assume he'll continue to be a delusional self-justifying sack of crap?
8. Everyone quit bitchin' about Fernando Alonso buying a World Tour gig for his new squad. If he hires Samuel Sanchez to do anything higher'n washing riders' underwear next year, he can buy whole races for all I care--hell, that wily bastard Vinokourov (allegedly) did it, and we still love *him*!
9. *Really*, BMC--you're not even fielding *anybody* at the Tour of Norway? Kick Thor Hushovd in the nuts whydontcha--I mean, Caja freakin' Rural is riding it!
Well, onto the Ride o' Destiny tomorrow--and enter our Giro contest here to win, because the wine's amazing! The time trial:
1. Am I the only cycling fan listening to these stories from (American) football and baseball about doping and painkillers and thinkin', "what a !@#$in' pack of amateurs"?
2. !@#hole quote o' the week: Olympic gold-medalist trackie and fierce proponent of women's equality in sports Jason Kenny, opining that a women's Tour de France would result in "deaths" for the ladies involved. Also, they'll start growing chest hair, refuse to cook dinner for their husbands, and their ovaries will shrivel into Raisinettes. The horror!
3. So Chris-Anker Sorensen doesn't remember a good 20k of the race today after his crash. *Please*, DSes, if you see a boy whang his head, *take him off the bike* for heck's sake--you *know* these masochists are conditioned to ride no matter how hurt they are!
4. Oh, Jan Ullrich. You were *such* a lovable mess as a rider. Please, *please* look at what happened to some of your contemporaries--avert that downward spiral, whatever it takes!
5. Sagan's win at the Tour of California was nice and all, but he ain't lookin' like no 4 million euro man just yet this season. Unless you're Oleg Tinkov, in which case that's just the pocket change you leave the waitress at the diner. Get 'im while he's still celebrating Mick Rogers' win, kid!
6. Speaking of whom, I feel just a *little* dirty being so happy to see Mick take the win at the Giro today. But not as dirty as I do when I cheer on Contador.
7. Right, Armstrong has to testify. Is there anyone who *doesn't* assume he'll continue to be a delusional self-justifying sack of crap?
8. Everyone quit bitchin' about Fernando Alonso buying a World Tour gig for his new squad. If he hires Samuel Sanchez to do anything higher'n washing riders' underwear next year, he can buy whole races for all I care--hell, that wily bastard Vinokourov (allegedly) did it, and we still love *him*!
9. *Really*, BMC--you're not even fielding *anybody* at the Tour of Norway? Kick Thor Hushovd in the nuts whydontcha--I mean, Caja freakin' Rural is riding it!
Well, onto the Ride o' Destiny tomorrow--and enter our Giro contest here to win, because the wine's amazing! The time trial:
Monday, May 19, 2014
It's Your Giro d'Italia Rest Day Due (and ATOC) Roundup! and, Enter to Win! #giro
Yep, the Giro boys got a day to chill, spin, and nurse their aching bloody carcasses, so let's catch up before we hit the road again!
1. Quit asking Cadel Evans if he feels bad about missing the Tour. What's the !@#$in' maglia rosa anyway, chopped liver?
2. Agony Update: Angel Vicioso, the worst-hit from the tarmac with a busted femur, is already standing. Meantime, Purito's got a coupla pins in his thumb. Forza ragazzi--ci vediamo alla bellissima Vuelta!
3. Tweet o' the Week: "Bling" Matthews apologizing "Sorry about showing my ass to the world today #pinkjersey to #pinkass." Now *that's* a rider with an excuse for slurping some Tramadol!
4. Ivan Basso. Lookin' better'n you thought he would, right?
5. FDJ--I don't think you can afford Nacer Bouhanni any more!
6. Really, he looked promising--but who the hell saw Diego Ulissi coming? Well, now everyone will!
7. Under new rules, anyone running alongside the racers in those hideous Borat banana-slings can now have it nut-crackingly snapped by the nearest aesthetically-offended GC contender. Thanks, UCI!
8. Am I the only one who expected Elia Viviani to bag a stage or two by now? *One* lil puppy's in the Cannondale doghouse, I bet!
9. Quit *whinin'*, Scarponi!
10. Uran did well not to cut off *all* his hair. As for Quintana, bruised or not, if he had a good day today, I wouldn't count him out. C'mon, at least don't leave this *whole* race a foregone conclusion!
11. No freakin' way is Wiggo gonna voluntarily domestique for Froomey at the Tour de France. At least not without trying to bushwhack 'im outta contention first!
12. If *I* were Floyd Landis, listening to Christian Vande Velde get a sweet-payin' commentator gig at the ATOC after watching Landis twist in the wind for years knowing the whole time the guy was telling the truth while enjoying a full career with a no-punishment post-retirement ban, I'd probably be bull!@#$. Pays to go to charm school, I guess!
13. Enter our Giro contest here, and win stuff! Why? Because if you love the Giro, you deserve it!
Well, onto a coupla days of relative relaxation--then back to the mountains again, woo-hoo!
1. Quit asking Cadel Evans if he feels bad about missing the Tour. What's the !@#$in' maglia rosa anyway, chopped liver?
2. Agony Update: Angel Vicioso, the worst-hit from the tarmac with a busted femur, is already standing. Meantime, Purito's got a coupla pins in his thumb. Forza ragazzi--ci vediamo alla bellissima Vuelta!
3. Tweet o' the Week: "Bling" Matthews apologizing "Sorry about showing my ass to the world today #pinkjersey to #pinkass." Now *that's* a rider with an excuse for slurping some Tramadol!
4. Ivan Basso. Lookin' better'n you thought he would, right?
5. FDJ--I don't think you can afford Nacer Bouhanni any more!
6. Really, he looked promising--but who the hell saw Diego Ulissi coming? Well, now everyone will!
7. Under new rules, anyone running alongside the racers in those hideous Borat banana-slings can now have it nut-crackingly snapped by the nearest aesthetically-offended GC contender. Thanks, UCI!
8. Am I the only one who expected Elia Viviani to bag a stage or two by now? *One* lil puppy's in the Cannondale doghouse, I bet!
9. Quit *whinin'*, Scarponi!
10. Uran did well not to cut off *all* his hair. As for Quintana, bruised or not, if he had a good day today, I wouldn't count him out. C'mon, at least don't leave this *whole* race a foregone conclusion!
11. No freakin' way is Wiggo gonna voluntarily domestique for Froomey at the Tour de France. At least not without trying to bushwhack 'im outta contention first!
12. If *I* were Floyd Landis, listening to Christian Vande Velde get a sweet-payin' commentator gig at the ATOC after watching Landis twist in the wind for years knowing the whole time the guy was telling the truth while enjoying a full career with a no-punishment post-retirement ban, I'd probably be bull!@#$. Pays to go to charm school, I guess!
13. Enter our Giro contest here, and win stuff! Why? Because if you love the Giro, you deserve it!
Well, onto a coupla days of relative relaxation--then back to the mountains again, woo-hoo!
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
He's Got Le-e-e-e-gs/He Knows How to Use Them! Where's the Beef? and, Enter to Win! #Giro
Lookin' Good, Purito!: yep, the slick bloody carnage of the early Giro sprint days are over, and it's time for the *real* purpose o' the race, the hills! First, anyone who sez we love Samuel Sanchez lost time today for anything but the sole reason of his selfless service to Cadel Evans is a lying sack of hell-bound crap who oughta be power-noogied into total abject apologetic submission, *and* thwapped upside the head with a loaded musette. Second, leaving aside the fact that Purito's still gotta make up 1:32 already through no fault whatsoever of his own, he showed today he's feeling *strong*, baby! Third, while anyone who makes it clear they're riding the beautiful Giro only reluctantly because their bosses won't give 'em the Tour should be banned from cycling for life, Cadel Evans does at least work like a dog to honor any race he's in and does look great for the top spot in Milan. Nice work BMC, but pedala, pedala Purito--like some winky little 8-hour time deficit is gonna hold *you* back once we hit the serious mountains? Here, whippersnapper Diego Ulissi shows the Italians who they're gonna root for on GC a few years down the line: Tomorrow: somethin' about having to divert around a landslide. Which still sounds a hell of a lot easier than gettin' over the Gavia's gonna be, if today's any indication! 
Well, At Least He Ain't No Shrinking Violet: and, Contador boss Oleg Tinkov, in what can only be reasonably construed as a giant "!@#$ you" to the noble guards o' virtue over at UCI, has actually signed on a beef sponsor for the squad. And yes, it's heck funny. But why is this even controversial--Amgen EPO Tour of California, anyone? Next year: Floyd Landis' new UCI Pro Continental Team Steaming Testosterone Nut-Patch. Put 'em all together, and you rogue old-generation dopers've got yerselves a paaaar-*tay*!
Enter to Win!: What? every week, answer the question right, be drawn from the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and win bitchin' stuff! Why? it's the Giro for chrissakes! Where? enter here--and in bocca al lupo, the lot of you!
Well, At Least He Ain't No Shrinking Violet: and, Contador boss Oleg Tinkov, in what can only be reasonably construed as a giant "!@#$ you" to the noble guards o' virtue over at UCI, has actually signed on a beef sponsor for the squad. And yes, it's heck funny. But why is this even controversial--Amgen EPO Tour of California, anyone? Next year: Floyd Landis' new UCI Pro Continental Team Steaming Testosterone Nut-Patch. Put 'em all together, and you rogue old-generation dopers've got yerselves a paaaar-*tay*!
Enter to Win!: What? every week, answer the question right, be drawn from the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and win bitchin' stuff! Why? it's the Giro for chrissakes! Where? enter here--and in bocca al lupo, the lot of you!
Sunday, May 04, 2014
It's Your Giro d'Italia in Preview, Part Due: the Maglia Rosa Contenders!
Yep, it's just five days to the fabulous Giro d'Italia, and now that we've covered the course, the jerseys, and the fan basics, it's time to look at the likely candidates for the maglia rosa! Exciting new UCI rule: anyone riding the Giro d'Italia for the sole reason that they think they can't win the Tour de France will be nut-kicked daily immediately upon sign-in each morning. That'll force you to genuflect to the superior Giro, unworthy swine! So, Your General Classification Contenders:
Defending champ Vincenzo Nibali: not here. Of course, *why* one would save oneself for July as opposed to peaking now is an annoying mystery, but then, he's clearly got a little more work to do anyway. It'll still be here for next year, Vincenzo!
Cadel Evans (BMC): sure, he's older than the actual Dolomites, but for a primordial fossil, he's sure got legs. Strengths: rides well in extremely foul conditions, including rain, sleet, snow, mud, dust, and plague of locusts; time trials well, and there's actually quite a bit of that this year. He's also got the strongest team of all the GC contenders, which is absolutely going to matter in the bone-deep grind of the third week, including, of course, Euskaltel team captain/former Olympic gold medalist Samuel Sanchez, who, as we've already seen by his service in the Classics for Philippe Gilbert, is willing and able to tank himself blasting apart the field on a climb. Cadel, you *better* be nice to 'im! Weaknesses: how dare you suggest that anyone with Sanchez on his team has "weaknesses," you faithless heretic weasel!
Purito Rodriguez (Katusha): he's been *so* close to the top of the podium at *so* many (well, several, which is more than most people without the benefits of a Tramadol line permanently implanted in his butt) Grand Tours, and Purito, as long as Samu gets a stage win, I hope this one is yours. Strengths: damn, can he climb, and just when you think he's cracked for good, he claws his way back again every single time. Weaknesses: hates the cold, and usually, you can count on one GC-busting blizzard in this race. Bundle him *up*, Katusha--and keep some extra warm gloves in the team car!
Nairo Quintana (Movistar): you saw him at the Tour last year. 'Nuff said! Strengths: inexhaustible climber, and with so many mountaintop finishes, that gives him plenty of opportunity to jump on a rival's moment o' crisis. Weaknesses: aside from one or two freak efforts, like other pure climbers he can't time trial for !@#$. Plus, he's made it clear he's only riding the Giro because Movistar's making him to get him a little more seasoning (tho' to be fair, Cadel's been clear he'd rather be up for the fight in July). If someone else wants it more--and there are people that do--those two things could knock him back on the podium.
Yer Outsiders: yes, Dan Martin and a few other guys could do well on their own and step up if there's some misfortune. But even so, it's mostly:
Michele Scarponi (Astana). Oh, he'll probably podium, with all the Valverdean intestinal discomfort that'll naturally induce in the rest of us, but he does have a tendency to attack rashly then blow up when someone else counters. Might keep the narcs distracted though if Scarponi has the sense to fly a bit under the radar, which certainly can't hurt!
Ivan Basso (Cannondale): some rehab job, right? Like Cadel, gettin' a little old for this sort of thing, and no, he won't win by the disconcerting margins of the past, but a top-five likelihood nonetheless. Strength and Weakness: Cannondale is bringing blooming youngster Elia Viviani for the sprints, and given his repeated ass-whuppin' of Cavendish this week, the Giro's wholly over-the-top number of sprint stages, and depending on Ivan's legs, they might be tempted to throw just a wee bit too much of their resources behind Elia. But Basso's a two-time champ, and suave as hell, so don't count out the combination of passion and style!
Rigoberto Uran (OPQS): Strengths: stays upbeat under all kinds of pressure, like Samson his flowing locks give immortal powers, and he rhymes with the greatest band of the 80s. Weaknesses: hasn't quite proven himself up to the other GC contenders over the long haul yet, hasn't got as strong a team behind 'im, and again like Samson, if anyone cuts off his hair in the middle of the night, he'll crumble. Forza Rigoberto!
Well, them's mine, and as usual I'm probably wrong so you can all place yer opposing bets with utter confidence. I guess I oughta cover the sprinters next--but geez,this *is* the Giro, after all!
Defending champ Vincenzo Nibali: not here. Of course, *why* one would save oneself for July as opposed to peaking now is an annoying mystery, but then, he's clearly got a little more work to do anyway. It'll still be here for next year, Vincenzo!
Cadel Evans (BMC): sure, he's older than the actual Dolomites, but for a primordial fossil, he's sure got legs. Strengths: rides well in extremely foul conditions, including rain, sleet, snow, mud, dust, and plague of locusts; time trials well, and there's actually quite a bit of that this year. He's also got the strongest team of all the GC contenders, which is absolutely going to matter in the bone-deep grind of the third week, including, of course, Euskaltel team captain/former Olympic gold medalist Samuel Sanchez, who, as we've already seen by his service in the Classics for Philippe Gilbert, is willing and able to tank himself blasting apart the field on a climb. Cadel, you *better* be nice to 'im! Weaknesses: how dare you suggest that anyone with Sanchez on his team has "weaknesses," you faithless heretic weasel!
Purito Rodriguez (Katusha): he's been *so* close to the top of the podium at *so* many (well, several, which is more than most people without the benefits of a Tramadol line permanently implanted in his butt) Grand Tours, and Purito, as long as Samu gets a stage win, I hope this one is yours. Strengths: damn, can he climb, and just when you think he's cracked for good, he claws his way back again every single time. Weaknesses: hates the cold, and usually, you can count on one GC-busting blizzard in this race. Bundle him *up*, Katusha--and keep some extra warm gloves in the team car!
Nairo Quintana (Movistar): you saw him at the Tour last year. 'Nuff said! Strengths: inexhaustible climber, and with so many mountaintop finishes, that gives him plenty of opportunity to jump on a rival's moment o' crisis. Weaknesses: aside from one or two freak efforts, like other pure climbers he can't time trial for !@#$. Plus, he's made it clear he's only riding the Giro because Movistar's making him to get him a little more seasoning (tho' to be fair, Cadel's been clear he'd rather be up for the fight in July). If someone else wants it more--and there are people that do--those two things could knock him back on the podium.
Yer Outsiders: yes, Dan Martin and a few other guys could do well on their own and step up if there's some misfortune. But even so, it's mostly:
Michele Scarponi (Astana). Oh, he'll probably podium, with all the Valverdean intestinal discomfort that'll naturally induce in the rest of us, but he does have a tendency to attack rashly then blow up when someone else counters. Might keep the narcs distracted though if Scarponi has the sense to fly a bit under the radar, which certainly can't hurt!
Ivan Basso (Cannondale): some rehab job, right? Like Cadel, gettin' a little old for this sort of thing, and no, he won't win by the disconcerting margins of the past, but a top-five likelihood nonetheless. Strength and Weakness: Cannondale is bringing blooming youngster Elia Viviani for the sprints, and given his repeated ass-whuppin' of Cavendish this week, the Giro's wholly over-the-top number of sprint stages, and depending on Ivan's legs, they might be tempted to throw just a wee bit too much of their resources behind Elia. But Basso's a two-time champ, and suave as hell, so don't count out the combination of passion and style!
Rigoberto Uran (OPQS): Strengths: stays upbeat under all kinds of pressure, like Samson his flowing locks give immortal powers, and he rhymes with the greatest band of the 80s. Weaknesses: hasn't quite proven himself up to the other GC contenders over the long haul yet, hasn't got as strong a team behind 'im, and again like Samson, if anyone cuts off his hair in the middle of the night, he'll crumble. Forza Rigoberto!
Well, them's mine, and as usual I'm probably wrong so you can all place yer opposing bets with utter confidence. I guess I oughta cover the sprinters next--but geez,this *is* the Giro, after all!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Oh, I Can't Wait One More Minute: It's Your 2014 Giro d'Italia in Preview, Part Uno!
All right, screw Romandie--it's a mere 8 days 'til the fabulous Giro d'Italia, so get yer pink on!
The Course: one word--mountains, beeyotches! You ever seen Monte Zoncolan? You need a !@#damn Batman setup to climb the thing!
Three days in smashing Ireland before a rest day to get back home. And oh, yeah, an opening team time trial to put someone in rosa and scare the hell outta probably at least one squad's GC contender, 2 individual time trials to unnerve 'em even more, 8 stages for Marcel Kittel--uh, sprinters. The rest are mountains, 5 medium agony, 5 major agony replete with summit finishes, including the Queen with Zoncolan. Cadel Purito Uran Uran and Nairo sure are tough, but these just might be even tougher!
The Jerseys: Here:
Rosa: the leader's jersey, natch. Don't bag this too soon Purito! Blue/Azzurra: king of the mountains, honey--c'mon, Cadel, Samu's already won it at the Tour, surely you can let 'im off the leash to at least get a day in this at the Giro as a reward for all his work for you, right? Red/Rossa: Points Classification! Special new rule for 2014: bonus points will be awarded for the first rider to whack the fan running screaming next to him in an idiotic hat and a neon Speedo upside the head with a full bidon. Break my line I'll break yer face, you TV-whoring road-hog! Bianca/White: young riders. If they're young now, they'll sure have aged a few years by the time they hit Milano. Get yer future maglia rosa contenders here! 
The Tifosi: expect heavy turnout from the ever-loyal Fans Club Cunego, a pile o' Aussies rooting for Cadel for the win, and pretty much everyone having way better wine 'n' food than we have at home. And as always, I expect the Devil--the fan, not that dopey little !@#$ Riccardo Ricco!
Next up--Part Due: the Contenders!
The Course: one word--mountains, beeyotches! You ever seen Monte Zoncolan? You need a !@#damn Batman setup to climb the thing!
Three days in smashing Ireland before a rest day to get back home. And oh, yeah, an opening team time trial to put someone in rosa and scare the hell outta probably at least one squad's GC contender, 2 individual time trials to unnerve 'em even more, 8 stages for Marcel Kittel--uh, sprinters. The rest are mountains, 5 medium agony, 5 major agony replete with summit finishes, including the Queen with Zoncolan. Cadel Purito Uran Uran and Nairo sure are tough, but these just might be even tougher!The Jerseys: Here:
Rosa: the leader's jersey, natch. Don't bag this too soon Purito! Blue/Azzurra: king of the mountains, honey--c'mon, Cadel, Samu's already won it at the Tour, surely you can let 'im off the leash to at least get a day in this at the Giro as a reward for all his work for you, right? Red/Rossa: Points Classification! Special new rule for 2014: bonus points will be awarded for the first rider to whack the fan running screaming next to him in an idiotic hat and a neon Speedo upside the head with a full bidon. Break my line I'll break yer face, you TV-whoring road-hog! Bianca/White: young riders. If they're young now, they'll sure have aged a few years by the time they hit Milano. Get yer future maglia rosa contenders here! The Tifosi: expect heavy turnout from the ever-loyal Fans Club Cunego, a pile o' Aussies rooting for Cadel for the win, and pretty much everyone having way better wine 'n' food than we have at home. And as always, I expect the Devil--the fan, not that dopey little !@#$ Riccardo Ricco!
Next up--Part Due: the Contenders!
Friday, April 25, 2014
I Rode for Lance For 7 Years, And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt (And Millions of Dollars. And a TdF Stage Win. And...)
Jive Talkin': He denied doping. He said some awfully ungentlemanly things about former teammate/betraying rat Floyd Landis. And as one of the bulletproof riders of USPostalDiscovery and Armstrong's most loyal lieutenant, he profited hugely off an unquestioningly adoring press corps and fan base of his own, only to skate off with a ridiculous 6-month post-retirement ban for a career's worth of cheating and pretty much the same level of adoration and success he enjoyed in the first place. Yep, George Hincapie's ready to 'fess up now, and he wants your dough! Jaysus, am I the *only* one who's willing to pay people who already profited so handsomely from omerta' to shut the hell *up* already at this point?
Walk Like a Cav, Talk Like a Cav, Dress Like a Cav My So-o-o-on: Can't sprint as fast as the Manx Missile, but want to look like you could, without all the blindingly expensive dental work it'd take to get his killer choppers? Well, now you can: Mark Cavendish's got his own dashing new clothing line here!
Next up: Marcel Kittel's Hair Club for Men. Oh, the glorious mane you'll have--it's the next thing to being on the podium, without that annoying 200km of riding to get you there! 
Holy Crap It's Two Weeks to the Giro and It's Already Shaping Up!: finally, Cadel Evans has already dope-smacked the Dolomites and atomic-wedgied his competitors for the Giro d'Italia at the leg-grinding Giro del Trentino this week, and with unwilling Giro competitor Nairo Quintana already presumptively screwed by the last-minute suck cancellation of his training race the Tour of Asturias, oldie-but-goodie Cadel's chances are looking increasingly good. More bad news for Italian cycling: Pippo Pozzato's Classics season was such a downer Lampre's apparently going to keep him out of the Giro d'Italia. Irrelevant Trentino bonus: former Euskie mountain goat Mikel Landa grabbing a monster stage win. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeel--uh, Astana, whatever!
Walk Like a Cav, Talk Like a Cav, Dress Like a Cav My So-o-o-on: Can't sprint as fast as the Manx Missile, but want to look like you could, without all the blindingly expensive dental work it'd take to get his killer choppers? Well, now you can: Mark Cavendish's got his own dashing new clothing line here!
Next up: Marcel Kittel's Hair Club for Men. Oh, the glorious mane you'll have--it's the next thing to being on the podium, without that annoying 200km of riding to get you there! Holy Crap It's Two Weeks to the Giro and It's Already Shaping Up!: finally, Cadel Evans has already dope-smacked the Dolomites and atomic-wedgied his competitors for the Giro d'Italia at the leg-grinding Giro del Trentino this week, and with unwilling Giro competitor Nairo Quintana already presumptively screwed by the last-minute suck cancellation of his training race the Tour of Asturias, oldie-but-goodie Cadel's chances are looking increasingly good. More bad news for Italian cycling: Pippo Pozzato's Classics season was such a downer Lampre's apparently going to keep him out of the Giro d'Italia. Irrelevant Trentino bonus: former Euskie mountain goat Mikel Landa grabbing a monster stage win. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeel--uh, Astana, whatever!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
It's the Alpe d'Hell With That!; and, Yer Paranoid Conspiracy Theory o' the Week #tdf
You Know The Nearer Your Destination The More You're Slip-Sliding Away: First, nice ride Froomey, right on Cadel for promising some fireworks in the Alps, and bummer for poor young Mollema. Tomorrow's alleged parcours: 2 trips up the legendary Alpe d'Huez, and Chris "Prima Donna Rising" Froome, who fears no attack, is already demanding that one trip up and down the mountain be eliminated which, totally coincidentally, would only further serve to totally insulate him from any GC threat that frankly right now doesn't even remotely exist. Well, at least Froome bitches for a purpose! Tomorrow's forecast: rain, hail and fog on the Alpe, tornadoes, hurricanes, typhoons, floods, volcanoes, earthquakes, a plague o' mosquitoes and a geological-era-ending meteor strike on the rest of the course. Oh, just pull on a vest and suck it up, you whiners--you guys got helmets, the hail'll bounce right off your heads!
Not As Good As the "I Was Boinking My Girlfriend Excuse", But Close: and, in actual-tested-dirty-doper news, Tour of Turkey winner Mustafa Sayar, who got busted for EPO, claims his poz is a giant French conspiracy so one of *their* riders'll win the race. Uh, not to discount the importance and beauty of the fine Tour of Turkey here, but if the French'd frame another rider for *anything*, doesn't it stand to reason they'd do it for the, well, Tour de *France*? Y'know, it's a bike race, in France, it lasts three weeks, they haven't won it for even a quarter century, it's a pretty big deal over there, I hear tell....
Free Euskaltel!: and, slammin' ride by the younger Izagirre brother today, and Samu's ready to take on Giro champ Nibali at the Vuelta. Send me (or them) dough to Save Our Carrots!
Not As Good As the "I Was Boinking My Girlfriend Excuse", But Close: and, in actual-tested-dirty-doper news, Tour of Turkey winner Mustafa Sayar, who got busted for EPO, claims his poz is a giant French conspiracy so one of *their* riders'll win the race. Uh, not to discount the importance and beauty of the fine Tour of Turkey here, but if the French'd frame another rider for *anything*, doesn't it stand to reason they'd do it for the, well, Tour de *France*? Y'know, it's a bike race, in France, it lasts three weeks, they haven't won it for even a quarter century, it's a pretty big deal over there, I hear tell....
Free Euskaltel!: and, slammin' ride by the younger Izagirre brother today, and Samu's ready to take on Giro champ Nibali at the Vuelta. Send me (or them) dough to Save Our Carrots!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
It's Yer 2013 Tour de France In Preview, Part Un!: The GC Contenders
Yes, the 100th Tour de France is just days away, and it's got a pretty bangin' field to boot. So before 3 weeks of fun, pain, and general chaos gets underway, let's review the overall contenders to watch:
1. Chris Froome: apparently, he's on the BBC right this minute explaining how Contador's a no-threat weenie and his Tour victory is all but assured. Keep it up, you eejit! Aaaaanyhoo: Strengths: openly bushwhacking his own team leader; climbing; time trialling; damn near anything but sprinting. Also, he's got his whole Team Sky frankly starting to look disconcertingly like the ol' US Postal Stepford-wife androids. Attrition through metronomic beat-down, baby! Weaknesses: uh...maybe he peaked a little too much a little too soon? And for !@#$'s sake, kid, shut yer *yap* til you gain more sense!
2. Alberto Contador: y'know, this guy's actually *won* a few of these things already, so I don't know why he seems to be presumed DOA. Strengths: he is attentive, he is experienced, and he doesn't melt down like a Schleck at every setback. And while he hasn't shown this season that, well, mutant capacity for constant consecutive light-n-lively 21% gradient uphill attacks he had, well, before, if he's got it back, the rest of the field's just screwed. Weaknesses: so...can he do what he used to do if he needs to, or can't he?
3. Cadel Evans: Strengths: no matter how tired, the man is a tick on the backs of even his strongest rivals, the gracious Tejay's not gonna stick a Froomeian knife in his back, and he can triumph in the most miserable conditions the Tour or any race on earth has to offer. Weaknesses: yeah, he's old. He was old when he won it the first time. So what?
4. Alejandro Valverde: sure, he's a mid-race car-wreck-in-waiting at every Grand Tour he's in, and of course his riding well still creeps us all out, but he is one wily tenacious s.o.b. with a simply ravenous team of near-daily stage winners and unholy mountain beasts right with 'im. Allez Alejandro--if only to see the outraged race organizers go all bull!@#$ when you take it!
5. Purito Rodriguez: no, he hasn't won his Grand Tour yet. Yes, he's always about to. Aiming for the podium but capable of the top step, it's only a matter of time, luck, and maybe someone else's ill-timed crack. Strengths: one of the most brilliant climbers of his day. Weakness: won't be whacked as hard as usual by this year's rolling time trial, but on a flat stage, the man's basically got to be hauled by donkey cart. Just someone grab hold of his jersey so he doesn't get blown off the course by a crosswind, and he'll be okay!
6. Dark Horses: no, Ryder, Voeckler, or Van den Broucke won't win, but they'll sure put a scare into everybody at least one point in the race. And no, he won't be French. But for a twist, Andy Schleck is coyly promising a surprise. Just finish and let Jens off the leash, and that'll be surprise enough!
Well, there's yer faves. Me, I'm getting shameful Vinokourov flashbacks just thinkin' about rooting for Contador, but I'm sure there's no reason for that. So let the debauchery begin, and may you all stay safe and test clean!
1. Chris Froome: apparently, he's on the BBC right this minute explaining how Contador's a no-threat weenie and his Tour victory is all but assured. Keep it up, you eejit! Aaaaanyhoo: Strengths: openly bushwhacking his own team leader; climbing; time trialling; damn near anything but sprinting. Also, he's got his whole Team Sky frankly starting to look disconcertingly like the ol' US Postal Stepford-wife androids. Attrition through metronomic beat-down, baby! Weaknesses: uh...maybe he peaked a little too much a little too soon? And for !@#$'s sake, kid, shut yer *yap* til you gain more sense!
2. Alberto Contador: y'know, this guy's actually *won* a few of these things already, so I don't know why he seems to be presumed DOA. Strengths: he is attentive, he is experienced, and he doesn't melt down like a Schleck at every setback. And while he hasn't shown this season that, well, mutant capacity for constant consecutive light-n-lively 21% gradient uphill attacks he had, well, before, if he's got it back, the rest of the field's just screwed. Weaknesses: so...can he do what he used to do if he needs to, or can't he?
3. Cadel Evans: Strengths: no matter how tired, the man is a tick on the backs of even his strongest rivals, the gracious Tejay's not gonna stick a Froomeian knife in his back, and he can triumph in the most miserable conditions the Tour or any race on earth has to offer. Weaknesses: yeah, he's old. He was old when he won it the first time. So what?
4. Alejandro Valverde: sure, he's a mid-race car-wreck-in-waiting at every Grand Tour he's in, and of course his riding well still creeps us all out, but he is one wily tenacious s.o.b. with a simply ravenous team of near-daily stage winners and unholy mountain beasts right with 'im. Allez Alejandro--if only to see the outraged race organizers go all bull!@#$ when you take it!
5. Purito Rodriguez: no, he hasn't won his Grand Tour yet. Yes, he's always about to. Aiming for the podium but capable of the top step, it's only a matter of time, luck, and maybe someone else's ill-timed crack. Strengths: one of the most brilliant climbers of his day. Weakness: won't be whacked as hard as usual by this year's rolling time trial, but on a flat stage, the man's basically got to be hauled by donkey cart. Just someone grab hold of his jersey so he doesn't get blown off the course by a crosswind, and he'll be okay!
6. Dark Horses: no, Ryder, Voeckler, or Van den Broucke won't win, but they'll sure put a scare into everybody at least one point in the race. And no, he won't be French. But for a twist, Andy Schleck is coyly promising a surprise. Just finish and let Jens off the leash, and that'll be surprise enough!
Well, there's yer faves. Me, I'm getting shameful Vinokourov flashbacks just thinkin' about rooting for Contador, but I'm sure there's no reason for that. So let the debauchery begin, and may you all stay safe and test clean!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
It's the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards!
Yep, three glorious weeks of rain, sleet, snow--and oh right, bike racing--are past, and before the overhyped Tour de France sucks the life outta the cycling universe, it's time to honor the best, the worst, and the just plain weirdest for the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards! Yer winners:
M-M-M-M-M-M-My Poker Face Award: He wins. He's tranquillo. He loses. He's tranquillo. His rivals crack. He's tranquillo. His rivals surge. He's tranquillo. He's actually being chipped out of a giant block of ice on top of Tre Cime, he's tranquillo. Vincenzo Nibali, you ain't called the Shark for nothin'--anyway we can only *assume* you're actually happy today, so complimenti on a fabulous win!
Andy Schleck Memorial Whining Award: It's rainy. It's sunny. It's windy. It's descendy. I got caught out behind a crash. I got caught out in front of a crash. HOW DARE YOU NOTICE RIGOBERTO URAN INSTEAD OF ME FOR ONE SECOND YOU IGNORANT DIRT-DWELLING PEASANT! Oh shut *up*, Brad Wiggins--you cherry-picked your course, you still got beat, for chrissakes quit whinging already!
Total Tool o' the Race Auxiliary Prize: congrats, Brad, it's a two-fer! You lose your mojo, and you not only insult the iron-tough grievously-underpaid and distinctly-underpampered entire women's peloton in an effort to justify your own inadequacy, but you start being a merely tepid support to yer !@#-saving corsa-ripping Colombian domestiques and immediately spend the rest of the race--before you quit--trying to steal back the Tour defense you never even really cared about (uh, sure!) from Chris Froome. *Please*, Sky, don't let this spoiled princess screw your second straight Grand Tour this season...
American Idol Award: Ryder Hesjedal, this one's for you! Something bad--really, really bad--was going on out there, yet you doggedly honored the maglia rosa you were defending until there wasn't a single pedal stroke left in your legs. And *still* some misguided soulless goons gave you crap. Salute, Ryder, now rest up and get well soon--you done Canada, your entire swooning continent, and most of all the beautiful Giro d'Italia proud!
The Agony and the Ecstasy Prize: y'know, say what you want about John Degenkolb's chances had a hideous crash not taken 3/4 of the riders down without 'im, but Degenkolb's utter gutted exhaustion as he collapsed after the line was the epitome of what it takes to win. Geez, man, I hope you got your breath back by *now*!
French (Are) Toast Statuette: from Paolini to Visconti to Pirazzi to Santambrogio to, oh yeah, some "Nibali" character, the Italians were just *stompin'* in their home race this year. Could the French, in their home Grand Tour, say the same for, say, the entire last quarter-century? Step it up, kids--you've got til July not to shame your own country!
Divine Comedy Prize: oh, Danilo Di Luca. After your return from pipi-degli-angeli exile, it was awful fun of you to animate the race so frequently--tho' it was even skeeving out your own hometown journalists by the end of the first week. But when Lance-freakin'-Armstrong has the moral authority to call you an "idiot" for doping (well, getting caught anyway), you *know* you're a class-A chump. Che cretino, Danilo--you couldn't summon the brains to do this right just *once*?
Run! Run Away! Run Children! Run for Your Life! Award: Cadel Evans' mechanic--I don't know yer name, and if I were you I'd sure as hell change it, but this is a cash prize to buy a lifetime's worth of camping gear and a ticket to a remote landing strip in some deserted impenetrable craphole. Trust me, after Cadel's bike blew up on him on Tre Cime, you're better off there anyway!
Euromullet Award: not since the great days of Mario "the Chest" Cipollini have so many flowing locks taken so much aerodynamic advantage away from the GC contenders. But of all of 'em, Rigoberto Uran's take the hairspray. Welcome back 1980s--hell, half the squads already brought back the eye-gougingly flourescent team kits!
Twit-pic o' the Giro: okay, those snaps o' the riders covered in icicles *were* diverting. But in the midst of all the media hoopla about Pippo Pozzato's "mafioso" tactics and, well, leisurely approach to his profession, and in a scene straight outta some desperate 1960s "seduce yer man" playbook, Pippo wrapped himself in Saran Wrap for the cameras. Heck, that's twice as much as he usually wears--better luck next time I guess, fanboys 'n' girls!
Sweet Gesture Award: no snark, just admiration--for Cav's dedication of his stage win to the fallen Wouter Weylandt, and Benat Intxausti's to his lost friend Xavi Tondo. You done well by them, gentlemen--and such a kind gift to their families!
No-Show o' the Race: oh, sure, Cav never got his Petacchi, and poor Ivan Basso couldn't even start--but breathless near-daily team reports on the state of his ginormous nuttal cyst certainly kept us in the know. Nope, this win belongs to dark-horse pre-race press-darling Robert Gesink, finally bailing in total dejection (and obscurity) within the very sight of the finish line. Well, the boy is still a whipper-snapper--just bag a few short stage races, and they'll have your back again next year!
The Fine Colombian Award: geez, what a giant mark these few guys made in the race--between Betancur snagging the young rider's jersey on the penultimate day, to Henao's brave rides before he finally faded, to unexpected-team-leader-then-surprise-podium-runner-up Rigoberto Uran Uran, notice has formally been given to Sky and AG2R that they better waaaay-improve their contracts or lose 'em to greener pastures next year! Did we mention that if these wee climbers can halfway learn to time trial they'll be particularly hard to beat? Particular congrats to Uran for also taking this year's Diplomat o' the Race Award for (okay, maybe he did needlessly slag Froome a bit) remaining so discreetly humble in the face of Brad's increasingly-obnoxious desperation and his own increasingly-obvious supremacy!
Oh, Just Go *Home* You Wannabes Award: he won five--five!--sprint stages--with and without the lead-out train he so extravangantly credited--and, despite a little on-camera swearing amidst the argy-bargy at the intermediate sprint points, even snatched his red jersey back from the ravages of the cold snowy mountains--and Vincenzo Nibali--literally in the last few moments of the race. Mark Cavendish, you are simply unbeatable--well done, and Elia Viviani, there are way worse guys you (and every other helpless fast man in the peloton) can lose to!
Game-Changer o' the Race: yes, Nibali probably--almost certainly--had the maglia rosa tied up by the second-to-last mountain stage. But we'll never *really* know for certain, because the Gavia and Stelvio stage was cancelled, and even the Tre Cime stage took some serious kilometers outta the course. And in the Giro, as poor Cadel found out yesterday, and even considering Vincenzo's Abominable-Snowman imperviousness to snow, anything--from crash to mechanical to just plain bonk--could've happened. Damn, Mother Nature, if you wanna run the Giro in December instead just say so!
Class Move o' the Giro: finally, well done to 2013 champ Vincenzo Nibali, who generously gave his traditional victory show-off to the great, retiring 2000 winner Stefano Garzelli. No matter how anyone thinks you won this jersey, Vincenzo--and I'm not saying I'm among them, both because you're the current subject of a Rider Insult Moratorium and because Vino might break my kneecaps--they sure can't deny your grace!
Well, that's another great Giro d'Italia in the bag, some serious wine 'n' prosciutto in the stomach, and some major prosecco to suck down for our champions. Gentlemen, enjoy your trophies--may the Battle o' Brad'n'Froome begin!
M-M-M-M-M-M-My Poker Face Award: He wins. He's tranquillo. He loses. He's tranquillo. His rivals crack. He's tranquillo. His rivals surge. He's tranquillo. He's actually being chipped out of a giant block of ice on top of Tre Cime, he's tranquillo. Vincenzo Nibali, you ain't called the Shark for nothin'--anyway we can only *assume* you're actually happy today, so complimenti on a fabulous win!
Andy Schleck Memorial Whining Award: It's rainy. It's sunny. It's windy. It's descendy. I got caught out behind a crash. I got caught out in front of a crash. HOW DARE YOU NOTICE RIGOBERTO URAN INSTEAD OF ME FOR ONE SECOND YOU IGNORANT DIRT-DWELLING PEASANT! Oh shut *up*, Brad Wiggins--you cherry-picked your course, you still got beat, for chrissakes quit whinging already!
Total Tool o' the Race Auxiliary Prize: congrats, Brad, it's a two-fer! You lose your mojo, and you not only insult the iron-tough grievously-underpaid and distinctly-underpampered entire women's peloton in an effort to justify your own inadequacy, but you start being a merely tepid support to yer !@#-saving corsa-ripping Colombian domestiques and immediately spend the rest of the race--before you quit--trying to steal back the Tour defense you never even really cared about (uh, sure!) from Chris Froome. *Please*, Sky, don't let this spoiled princess screw your second straight Grand Tour this season...
American Idol Award: Ryder Hesjedal, this one's for you! Something bad--really, really bad--was going on out there, yet you doggedly honored the maglia rosa you were defending until there wasn't a single pedal stroke left in your legs. And *still* some misguided soulless goons gave you crap. Salute, Ryder, now rest up and get well soon--you done Canada, your entire swooning continent, and most of all the beautiful Giro d'Italia proud!
The Agony and the Ecstasy Prize: y'know, say what you want about John Degenkolb's chances had a hideous crash not taken 3/4 of the riders down without 'im, but Degenkolb's utter gutted exhaustion as he collapsed after the line was the epitome of what it takes to win. Geez, man, I hope you got your breath back by *now*!
French (Are) Toast Statuette: from Paolini to Visconti to Pirazzi to Santambrogio to, oh yeah, some "Nibali" character, the Italians were just *stompin'* in their home race this year. Could the French, in their home Grand Tour, say the same for, say, the entire last quarter-century? Step it up, kids--you've got til July not to shame your own country!
Divine Comedy Prize: oh, Danilo Di Luca. After your return from pipi-degli-angeli exile, it was awful fun of you to animate the race so frequently--tho' it was even skeeving out your own hometown journalists by the end of the first week. But when Lance-freakin'-Armstrong has the moral authority to call you an "idiot" for doping (well, getting caught anyway), you *know* you're a class-A chump. Che cretino, Danilo--you couldn't summon the brains to do this right just *once*?
Run! Run Away! Run Children! Run for Your Life! Award: Cadel Evans' mechanic--I don't know yer name, and if I were you I'd sure as hell change it, but this is a cash prize to buy a lifetime's worth of camping gear and a ticket to a remote landing strip in some deserted impenetrable craphole. Trust me, after Cadel's bike blew up on him on Tre Cime, you're better off there anyway!
Euromullet Award: not since the great days of Mario "the Chest" Cipollini have so many flowing locks taken so much aerodynamic advantage away from the GC contenders. But of all of 'em, Rigoberto Uran's take the hairspray. Welcome back 1980s--hell, half the squads already brought back the eye-gougingly flourescent team kits!
Twit-pic o' the Giro: okay, those snaps o' the riders covered in icicles *were* diverting. But in the midst of all the media hoopla about Pippo Pozzato's "mafioso" tactics and, well, leisurely approach to his profession, and in a scene straight outta some desperate 1960s "seduce yer man" playbook, Pippo wrapped himself in Saran Wrap for the cameras. Heck, that's twice as much as he usually wears--better luck next time I guess, fanboys 'n' girls!
Sweet Gesture Award: no snark, just admiration--for Cav's dedication of his stage win to the fallen Wouter Weylandt, and Benat Intxausti's to his lost friend Xavi Tondo. You done well by them, gentlemen--and such a kind gift to their families!
No-Show o' the Race: oh, sure, Cav never got his Petacchi, and poor Ivan Basso couldn't even start--but breathless near-daily team reports on the state of his ginormous nuttal cyst certainly kept us in the know. Nope, this win belongs to dark-horse pre-race press-darling Robert Gesink, finally bailing in total dejection (and obscurity) within the very sight of the finish line. Well, the boy is still a whipper-snapper--just bag a few short stage races, and they'll have your back again next year!
The Fine Colombian Award: geez, what a giant mark these few guys made in the race--between Betancur snagging the young rider's jersey on the penultimate day, to Henao's brave rides before he finally faded, to unexpected-team-leader-then-surprise-podium-runner-up Rigoberto Uran Uran, notice has formally been given to Sky and AG2R that they better waaaay-improve their contracts or lose 'em to greener pastures next year! Did we mention that if these wee climbers can halfway learn to time trial they'll be particularly hard to beat? Particular congrats to Uran for also taking this year's Diplomat o' the Race Award for (okay, maybe he did needlessly slag Froome a bit) remaining so discreetly humble in the face of Brad's increasingly-obnoxious desperation and his own increasingly-obvious supremacy!
Oh, Just Go *Home* You Wannabes Award: he won five--five!--sprint stages--with and without the lead-out train he so extravangantly credited--and, despite a little on-camera swearing amidst the argy-bargy at the intermediate sprint points, even snatched his red jersey back from the ravages of the cold snowy mountains--and Vincenzo Nibali--literally in the last few moments of the race. Mark Cavendish, you are simply unbeatable--well done, and Elia Viviani, there are way worse guys you (and every other helpless fast man in the peloton) can lose to!
Game-Changer o' the Race: yes, Nibali probably--almost certainly--had the maglia rosa tied up by the second-to-last mountain stage. But we'll never *really* know for certain, because the Gavia and Stelvio stage was cancelled, and even the Tre Cime stage took some serious kilometers outta the course. And in the Giro, as poor Cadel found out yesterday, and even considering Vincenzo's Abominable-Snowman imperviousness to snow, anything--from crash to mechanical to just plain bonk--could've happened. Damn, Mother Nature, if you wanna run the Giro in December instead just say so!
Class Move o' the Giro: finally, well done to 2013 champ Vincenzo Nibali, who generously gave his traditional victory show-off to the great, retiring 2000 winner Stefano Garzelli. No matter how anyone thinks you won this jersey, Vincenzo--and I'm not saying I'm among them, both because you're the current subject of a Rider Insult Moratorium and because Vino might break my kneecaps--they sure can't deny your grace!
Well, that's another great Giro d'Italia in the bag, some serious wine 'n' prosciutto in the stomach, and some major prosecco to suck down for our champions. Gentlemen, enjoy your trophies--may the Battle o' Brad'n'Froome begin!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Danilo Wants a Do-Over; Lance Chimes In; and, Last Chance to Call the Podium and Win!
So Are We Pissed 'Cause He Doped, Or Pissed 'Cause He Just Doped Stupid?: yes, the Giro d'Italia stage was canceled but the drama went on: Danilo "Strawberry Shortcake" Di Luca, previously busted for using so much masking agent he topped out with lower testosterone levels than a Ken doll, was nailed yet again for EPO. Danilo's take? He's optimistically--if delusionally--waiting for the B sample before he talks. Peloton reaction was, natch--and surely on the iron-fisted advice of their PR folks--swift. My fave tweet: Movistar's recent stage winner Benat Inxtausti telling Di Luca discreetly, in Italian, to shove it up his !@#. Hey, you ever suggest that to yer incredibly clean teammate Alejandro "Bloodbag" Valverde? Thought not! Lance Armstrong, of course, got all the attention, calling Di Luca a "f___ing idiot," but apparently just for getting nailed, not the actual cheating. Geez Lance, if Danilo had your power, your sponsorship dough, your expensively stoked-to-the-gills domestiques to fuel your astonishing palmares, *and* yer machiavellian mastermind Johan Bruyneel in his pocket, maybe *he* could have afforded the obscenely huge $$$ to be as "smart" as you too! Friendly note to nearly-deadly-inept drug-stuffing life-banned mountains freak Riccardo Ricco': coincidental timing or not, tweeting a pic of you and Danilo riding together is *not* doing the boy any favors. you're *not* doing Danilo Di Luca any favors tweeting a pic of the two of you riding together. !@#$, just post photos of the two of you with syringes in your rumps giving the camera a big thumbs-up whydontcha? 
It's the Mountain o' Truth, Baby!: finally, while Cav sits tight awaiting his inevitable win on Sunday, there's now just one truncated day left for the podium fighters to make their cases, so I, for one, am expecting a full-on attackfest brawl between Cadel, Rigoberto, Michele and (for the stage win--shut up! will too!) Samuel Sanchez. So enter here, brownnose me about the superior fabulousness of Euskaltel, grab eternal glory, and win yourself a cycling cap! The profile (so far this evening):
Forza, forza Cadel and Samu--and watch out for those neon snakes at Lampre!
It's the Mountain o' Truth, Baby!: finally, while Cav sits tight awaiting his inevitable win on Sunday, there's now just one truncated day left for the podium fighters to make their cases, so I, for one, am expecting a full-on attackfest brawl between Cadel, Rigoberto, Michele and (for the stage win--shut up! will too!) Samuel Sanchez. So enter here, brownnose me about the superior fabulousness of Euskaltel, grab eternal glory, and win yourself a cycling cap! The profile (so far this evening):
Forza, forza Cadel and Samu--and watch out for those neon snakes at Lampre!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
It Ain't Over 'Til Scarponi Whangs a Musette Into Uran's Face to Try to Grab a Podium Spot
Or Worse, Into His Hairdo: yes, just as I was about to screech like a swooning Schleck-fan over we love Samuel Sanchez' smashing uphill time trial at the Giro, maglia rosa Vincenzo Nibali crushed him--and Cadel's Giro-winning hopes--spiritually, but the podium's still wide open, 'cause (1) any freak thing can happen in this race and (2)either way, between Cadel Uran and Scarponi, at least with the snow-slammed Gavia and Stelvio out, and the merely rain-and-snow-slammed Passo del Tonale in, and even Saturday's stage profile damn near anyone's guess, there's plenty o' room for carnage. And *so* close Samu'--glad to see you're getting your legs, and your confidence, back! Tomorrow's revised corsa rosa: 
You Ask Him--No, *You* Ask Him: meantime, gracious as Cadel was in today's defeat (and I hope he don't have to start defending his newly-confirmed Tour leadership to boot), the predictable "is he or isn't he" speculation is already a-swirl around poor hardworking Nibali, which, though certainly both healthy and reasonable, ought soon be quieted anyhow when Vinokourov sends a pack o' truncheon-wielding goons around to beat down everyone's computer and/or smartphone til they splinter into useless jagged smithereens. Uh, he's innocent Vino--we believe you, we swear it!
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Celebrity-Whoring Enabler Scorned: yep, never fear, faithful cycling fans: according to none other than UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid, since no-one's even doping anymore, minor problems like "barely any current effective testing" needn't worry you, and cycling is back from the abyss, baby! Oh, and did Pat "I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M--UH, I REALLY HATE LANCE!" McQ mention he *really* hates Lance Armstrong? Please, can't *someone* get this tool outta cycling--oh wait, Ireland tried to--nice job there Switzerland for saving his !@# and prolonging this farce!
Languedoc Ain't For Wussies: finally, congrats to Brit badass Emma Pooley for bagging the "chaotic" Tour de Languedoc, and even more, calling out the race organizers for the entire trainwreck. I'd love to show you some video, but then, this is women's cycling, so unfortunately, we seem to be screwed. All the same, right on Emma--maybe now they'll fix it for next year!
You Ask Him--No, *You* Ask Him: meantime, gracious as Cadel was in today's defeat (and I hope he don't have to start defending his newly-confirmed Tour leadership to boot), the predictable "is he or isn't he" speculation is already a-swirl around poor hardworking Nibali, which, though certainly both healthy and reasonable, ought soon be quieted anyhow when Vinokourov sends a pack o' truncheon-wielding goons around to beat down everyone's computer and/or smartphone til they splinter into useless jagged smithereens. Uh, he's innocent Vino--we believe you, we swear it!
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Celebrity-Whoring Enabler Scorned: yep, never fear, faithful cycling fans: according to none other than UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid, since no-one's even doping anymore, minor problems like "barely any current effective testing" needn't worry you, and cycling is back from the abyss, baby! Oh, and did Pat "I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M--UH, I REALLY HATE LANCE!" McQ mention he *really* hates Lance Armstrong? Please, can't *someone* get this tool outta cycling--oh wait, Ireland tried to--nice job there Switzerland for saving his !@# and prolonging this farce!
Languedoc Ain't For Wussies: finally, congrats to Brit badass Emma Pooley for bagging the "chaotic" Tour de Languedoc, and even more, calling out the race organizers for the entire trainwreck. I'd love to show you some video, but then, this is women's cycling, so unfortunately, we seem to be screwed. All the same, right on Emma--maybe now they'll fix it for next year!
Monday, May 06, 2013
Brad Wiggins Gets Smacked; Ryder Hesjedal Takes No Crap; and, Euskaltel Is Totally Innocent, Natch
Blazing Saddles: yeah, baby, the Italians are *smokin'* out there at the Giro d'Italia, as Luca Paolini makes it 2 outta 3 pink jerseys for the home team (nation, whatever), Michele Scarponi was--well, he was hosed, but anyway, they're still kickin' !@#--really, can, say, the French claim as much about their own Tour for the last quarter century? Meantime, all the squads that lost time today to Ryder Hesjedal are on a complete high-school-bathroom bitch-fest that they completely screwed themsel--er, that Ryder really blew it like a neo-pro chump-wad wasting so much energy on a stage that didn't even really get him anywhere and will surely jack his GC ambitions overally. Maybe, but Ryder sure begs to differ! Other winners on the day--Cadel, suddenly looking far more promising that we've had any reason whatsoever to suspect; the always-attentive Vincenzo Nibali; and we love Euskaltel's Samuel Sanchez, thrown yesterday not by cluelessness but an ill-timed puncture by Remaining Exhausted Time Trial Carcass No. 5 and clearly unfazed this morning. Aupa Samu', and stuff it, Orange haters! Tomorrow: a long one, and our first hilltop finish of the race!
And here, the final run to today's line: Oh, Ryder, I sure do *hope* you didn't blow your legs out...
Sky Lays Down The Law: meantime, in an effort to instill harmony and avert my proposed duel between Brad Wiggins and Chris Froome (which offer I still stand behind--I'm ready to set you a date, boys!), and to avoid a truly terrifying sissy-boy harangue from Froome, Team Sky stated definitively today that it's backing Froomey for leadership at the Tour de France, which means Brad will simply refuse to ride in support of that backstabbing little bast--uh, will suddenly develop an utterly incapacitating intestinal complaint on the evening of June 28 which will tragically prevent him from starting the Grand Boucle. Get well soon, Brad--I assume you'll be feeling aaaaaaaaaall better as soon as you leave Chris with just a little less support in scenic France! In other news, Froome today set a world's record for "fastest-ever maiden scouting-climb of Mont Ventoux," which achievement he reportedly celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne, mooning Wiggo's blameless soigneur, and defacing the iconic mountainside with a Brad-themed spray-painted obscenity. Glad to see you two getting along now that all the confusion's been sorted out, kids!
Predict the Giro!: and again, nail the question, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and win stuff here!
And here, the final run to today's line: Oh, Ryder, I sure do *hope* you didn't blow your legs out... Sky Lays Down The Law: meantime, in an effort to instill harmony and avert my proposed duel between Brad Wiggins and Chris Froome (which offer I still stand behind--I'm ready to set you a date, boys!), and to avoid a truly terrifying sissy-boy harangue from Froome, Team Sky stated definitively today that it's backing Froomey for leadership at the Tour de France, which means Brad will simply refuse to ride in support of that backstabbing little bast--uh, will suddenly develop an utterly incapacitating intestinal complaint on the evening of June 28 which will tragically prevent him from starting the Grand Boucle. Get well soon, Brad--I assume you'll be feeling aaaaaaaaaall better as soon as you leave Chris with just a little less support in scenic France! In other news, Froome today set a world's record for "fastest-ever maiden scouting-climb of Mont Ventoux," which achievement he reportedly celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne, mooning Wiggo's blameless soigneur, and defacing the iconic mountainside with a Brad-themed spray-painted obscenity. Glad to see you two getting along now that all the confusion's been sorted out, kids!
Predict the Giro!: and again, nail the question, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and win stuff here!
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