And the Wheels On the Bus--Uh, Bike--Go Ronde and Ronde: It's the Tour of Flanders, Baby!

Yes, after a truly unspeakably tragic week, cycling--heavy-hearted as it is--is healing the best and humblest way it knows how, by taking on the glory, the pain, the blood, and the sheer leg-crunching suffering of the cobblestones at the revered Ronde van Vlaanderen. Pre-race controversy: no, not whether Sagan shaved his freakin' legs you prurient pervs, but some squads were apparently *not* allowed to recon certain sections of the course and, as a result, are not only spittin' fire but already preparing their post-race press-conference justification for how it's all the jerkface organizers' fault for not even allowing them to prep enough to win. Anyhoo, on tap for the gentlemen: And for the women: And even in "tiny", honey, that spells "agony"!

On form for the men: well, after what seems to be a mathematically endless series of Fabs-vs.-Tom articles and soft-porn photo-spreads, all bets are on the retiring last-stand Cancellara for a historic 4-peat vs. the tactically-blockheaded but uncontrollably powerful Peter Sagan, tho' if it comes down to the motivator of "rider most likely to be beaten senseless with a cobblestone by his rabid foaming oligarch team boss if he loses," it's clear we ain't looking at Trek-Segafredo here for the win. Me, I'm thinkin' last year's king Kristoff is just too marked as never before, I'm rooting pointlessly for we love Tom Boonen who shut up and go to hell is just holding it all back for Roubaix, not getting at all the hate for Greg Van Avermonster, and still holding onto the fond delusion that dashing if perpetually underperforming bon vivant Pippo Pozzato's got enough legs to (1) fit in a nice new trophy tat somewhere and (2) seriously stick it to those unappreciative snots at Lampre, at least with an upgrade to the podium. Yeah, yeah, Saganator's got it, forza Pippo, even tho' I hope Tommeke still kicks your !@#!

For the women: holy crap have we got powerhouse city here, with a huge percentage of the likely contenders being both uninjured and on spectacular early-season form, between reigning rainbow jersey and so far absolutely uncursed and unbeatable Lizzie Armistead, surprise (to me anyway, but I'm just yer average eejit) Gent-Wevelgem winner/Armistead teammate Chantal Blaak, and, of course, defending Ronde ruler Wiggle's Elisa Longo Borghini, and as a reminder, last year's podium roundout of Jolien D'hoore and Anna Van Der Breggen. We'll see who's still standing (or crawling) on the Paterberg--but go Lizzie, how can you not root for someone with so much talent grit and total bad-!@#ery?

And in case you forgot, here's how it played out last year for the men: and the women:


Now, off to the races, kids--may your tires never puncture, your bike not spontaneously combust, your bidon never be empty, and most of all, may Fabian Cancellara have mercy upon your doomed, desperate souls!

Now Win Flanders For Me, Sagan, Or I'll Grind You Into Dog Meat!: It's Your Ronde in Preview! #rvv

No Pressure: let's face it: our little Sagz has lost some of his joie de vivre. Whatever tactical sense he had has disappeared like a dirtbag ahead of a drug test, he's got squat in the tank when he needs it most, and the poor kid's been so down he hasn't even had the heart to pop a wheelie onto Contador's head. So you've got *one* day to get your mojo back before your desperate boss Oleg goes completely crazy-!@# on your overpaid overhyped has-been butt--but no pressure!

Oh Tommeke!: and, it goes without saying that a Flanders without Boonen and Cancellara is a party without a cake, so while I dry my maudlin tears and grab a cold one to scream my head off watching everyone else slug it out, I gotta say, I know furry bad-!@# Luca Paolini's justly working for strongman Alexander Kristoff and all, but if *I'd* just won Gent-Wevelgem in total dominating fashion, I'd be sending that guy back to the team car to get me a refreshing lemonade while the rest of squad carried me on my shoulders on a palanquin all the way to the line up at the front of the race tomorrow, which, among other issues like a complete lack of athletic ability, is why I'm a selfish !@#hole and not an incredible gracious cycling champion. So this leaves us with a wide-open race with a slew of guys who've been absolutely blossoming in the absence of Fabs and Tommeke's long shadows, like just-dented John Degenkolb, Van Avermaet, Stybar, gutsy E3 Harelbeke winner Geraint Thomas, and former shock champ Stijn Devolder, as well as, well, realistically, everybody else in the peloton from Belgium. My dark-horse fave? Niki Terpstra. My guilty-pleasure-no-chance-in-hell-but-I-still-love-to-watch-him-anyway? The all-style GQ king Pippo Pozzato. Still, forza grande Luca!

The Forecast: 48 F and sunny. Like even *that's* gonna help you poor bastards!

Ow, !@#$!: finally, your course map is here, and while it's gonna be a bangin' bucket o' excitement from start to finish for us, it is, as always, a study in total !@#$ing bone-jarring suffering for the peloton, including three trips up the Kwaremont, a spin up the Paterberg, and, of course, the fearsome pave of the Koppenberg. Me, I'm hoping someone smashes apart a potential bunch sprint by a daring far-out attack. And to remind you, like you needed it, here, your tribute to Fabs' decisive 2014 victory, as the big guy (get well soon!) brings it in:

So good luck boys--both winning the race, and just plain staying upright in one (especially your collarbones) piece--let the pain and glory begin!

It's Yer 2014 Classics Awards!; And, Yer Bonus 2014 Classics Mystery

1. Best Classics Rider of the Season: Watch out Sagan, there's a new kid in town, and with this boy towards the front of damn near everything this spring, he's already blitzed these races more'n you: baby phenom Michal Kwiatkowski. You better quit poppin' wheelies and start poppin', well, many dedicated training hours, kid!

2. Being Clean Is the Best Revenge Award: Okay, Alejandro Valverde's got punch, he can climb, he's one smart tactical s.o.b., hell, he can even sprint if he has to. But c'mon, man--7 years *after* the bloodbagathon of Operacion Puerto and the guy's *now* on the form of his life? F!@#$in' good espresso, is all I can say. And I hope, against all odds, that's all ever I have to!

3. No Guts No Glory Prize: his breakaway mates fell off like wilting leaves, but at Liege, only Giampaolo Caruso clung on, to the very last second no less. Not a win, but clearly a victory--bravo Giampaolo!

4. Shut Up! Could've Too So Either! Prize: oh Thor Hushovd. Now that BMC's actually got Philippe Gilbert outta his funk and back to some results, maybe they could do the same for you too? Ok, they're not gonna give a crap about you 'til at least after the Giro, but there's still time left in the season then!

5. Crash o' the Season: no, it didn't break the most bones or derail the whole campaign or even, well, happen 'til the last moments of the last spring Classic of the year. But was I the only one who leapt outta my chair screaming at the video stream when it happened? Yep, Dan Martin's agonizingly pointless slide-out just a few hundred meters from victory at Liege. Suck, suck, suck!

6. Holy Crap It's Not Just Hyperbole Award: y'know, I think Vincenzo Nibali is actually right calling bull!@#$ on the teams' safe'n'sound race tactics. Except for the last kilometer of every race, has there ever been a more cautious, measured, even dull Classics season than this one?

7. Domestique o' the Classics: yes, Tom Boonen nut-whackingly earned it for a time propelling--however inadvertently--Niki Terpstra to his Paris-Roubaix win. But we love Samuel Sanchez, with your leg-rippin' work for Gilbert, this puppy's for you. So c'mon, BMC, you gonna let Samu ride for himself--and get someone else serious to ride for him--at the Vuelta at least?

8. I (Don't) Got You, Babe Prize: jeez, it's been depressing watch Andy Schleck fall down the pit o' sub-mediocrity and despair--I don't think the poor sod's even finished a race all season, much less ones he used to dominate or at least enliven. Remember when Frank used to ride for Andy? Yeah, hindsight is 20/20--what a freakin' disaster for poor Frank!

9. Magic Marker Award: Fabian Cancellara, you nailed it in Tour of Flanders, but whoa moly, you couldn't catch a break 'notherwise this whole season. You're just too damn marked by everyone--but don't worry, they'll be preoccupied with Tommeke again next year!

10. Save a Prayer for (the Giro) Now Prize: aw, I guess even Purito Rodriguez needs to be able to breathe to win a race. But he's tranquillo for the Giro d'Italia--and with 10 days to go and an estimated 4-5 days needed to heal, Cadel Evans, don't get too comfy!

And Finally, Yer Bonus 2014 Classics Mystery: if Sky is scarfin' all this Tramadol, and if it really does enhance performance, why has Sky sucked all year?

All right, it's been bitchin'--now on to the fabulous Giro d'Italia! C'mon, it's the official song (again)--sing!

It's Your 2014 Tour of Flanders Awards!

Hardman of the Race: holy !#$, are they holding Stijn Devolder's shattered carcass together with duct tape at this point? About 38 hard, *hard* crashes, the man looks like a rotting arm-dropping zombie outta the Living Dead, and still he just keeps on coming back. No, he didn't "win"--but yeah, he *won*!

Newbie o' Flanders Award: I can't believe this is Taylor Phinney's first time here. A Ronde of applause for his stellar ride with Darryl Impey!

Crash of the Race (Fear o' God Edition): half of Saxo-Tinkoff goes down all at once in a perplexing, slow-to-fix tangle. If they didn't break any bones *in* the crash, Oleg Tinkov's gonna do it for 'em!

Crash of the Race (Aw, Suck Edition): The great-hearted MTN-Qhubeka, an African squad's first broken collarbone (anyway, sure looked it) in their first ever Flanders. Get well soon kid!

Panic at the Roadside Award: OH MY GOD NIKI TERPSTRA'S DOWN! THIS IS A CATASTROPHE FOR OMEGA PHARMA QUICKSTEP! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAVE--oh, he's just peeing. Um, look, over there--cows grazing!

What the !@#$ Is He Doing There? Prize: really. Wiggins?

Cha-Ching! (In Reverse) Award: Peter Sagan, you rakish, *very* youngster, *you* may not be feeling the Classics pressure--but trust me, come 4-million-euro contract time, your price, and your commission-hungry agent, will be. You better start thinking about next weekend, pal!

The Player's Club Prize: Bjorn "I Only Tested Poz for Testosterone Because I Was Just This Very Minute Doing My Girlfriend" Leukemans' failed attack at 23k. Yep, this obnoxious joke is just too easy, even for me!

Insult-to-Injury Award: oh, there was a women's Ronde Van Vlaanderen all right--not that we'd know it from the guttural footnote to the breathless high-pitched coverage of the menfolk's. And Ellen Van Dijk soloed to win it. BROADCAST WOMEN'S CYCLING DAMMIT--LIKE THE SAME FREAKIN' CENTURY IT HAPPENS!

The Decline and Fall of the American Empire Prize: why the !@#$ can't we get contemporaneous non-!@#$ coverage in the US without blacked-out screens pop-up porno 2-pixel visuals and a stream that jerks like a--well, let's just leave that there? *This*, this is why this country is going to hell in a handbasket, I say!

Now *Them's* Fightin' Words Award: the BEIN Sports commentator who cheerily sent us "back to Magnus Baxter." TWICE. Right, along with "Bernard Hiny" and "Eddy Mertz", you insufferable twit!

Layoff Tommeke You Bastards!: okay, not a prize exactly, but nonetheless, a mandate. You just wait--he'll be 100% at Paris-Roubaix!

And Finally, Debbie Downer of the Race: yeah, I mean Spartacus winning it. I know, I know, he's amazing--but I didn't want the predictable to happen. And really, while that was a bit of a scare there at 2.6k to go, it was over at 13k when Cancellara took off. And the last k's damn-near track-standing--annoying!

Well, them's mine--it was a predictably twitchy start, it was unpredictably sunny, and sincere best wishes to all who were hurt. Now, it's on to the Vuelta a Pais Vasco, and next week's Hell o' the North!

You Down With O.P.P. (Other People's Pave')?: It's Yer Flanders in Preview, Baby!

Oh yeah, we're down to serious business, baby, because there's both the men's and women's Ronde van Vlaanderen are this weekend, and there's already drama by the buckets! The score:

The Gossip: Belgian cops totally coincidentally kick Peter Sagan off the Kwaremont while he's reconning the course today, link here. Nothing personal! Next up: authorities bust into every non-Belgian team and rider's hotel rooms at 3 a.m. on Sunday with battering rams, billy clubs, bullhorns, stun guns, cattle prods, smoke grenades, and those spazzy little hand-buzzers you buy at the joke shop. Oops, wrong room--nighty-night, sorry to disturb you!

The Cobbles: fans love 'em, riders fear 'em, and Tom Boonen picks 'em out from between his teeth after a leisurely lunch. You know it: Molenberg, Kwaremont, Paterberg. Why the !@#$ won't a profile pic load? A close-up view of the pain on the Kwaremont: And beyond-bangin' preview of the women's race on Velofocus. Yep, it's gonna be just as vicious out there!

The Forecast: lookin' like rain. Oh, man, I can almost *hear* the sound of hitting the stones...

The Contenders: Nairo Quintana. Alberto Contador. Chris Froome. Just kidding! Tho' Alejandro Valverde's already reconned some cobbles ahead of his Tour de France bid. Tom Boonen vs. Fabian Cancellara, both downplaying their chances but ready to rumble. Peter Sagan, under heavy sponsor pressure to giddyap with a major Monument this season. Critic's darling Sep Vanmarcke. One thing's for sure: if you give Cancellara a single bike length ahead of the pack, he's gone for good, and all you're fighting for is a podium place. Eyes open, Tommeke! For the women: geez, can we get a definitive start list? Defending champ is Marianne Vos. Elisa Longo Borghini. Podiums Emma Johansson and Ellen Van Dijk. Last year's women's roundup:

The Dark Horses: who *doesn't* love ponies? We love Sylvain Chavanel. Pippo Pozzato. Luca Paolini. Niki Terpstra and Stijn Devolder. And a host of other Belgian badasses waiting to grit it out and take advantage if the favorites over-mark. Oh, like Pippo wouldn't look just *adorbs* with that trophy!

The Absentees: Nick Nuyens, gobsmacked by flu. Ian Stannard, stuffed into a back brace. There'll be a lot more before Sunday's over though, honey!

The Fans: beer, beer, and beer. And if you can see through the gorgeous Flandrian flags smothering the sidelines, you might even see some bikes go by. Wait, *who* just ran into me when I stumbled into the course?

Well, time to place yer bets--and for you undecideds, look who got it last year!

It's the Vuelta a Pais Vasco!; and, For !@#$'s Sake, "Buttgate"

Hey, It's the Tour of the Misogynist Little !@#$!--Uh, Flanders: yep, leave it Peter Sagan to overshadow Fabian Cancellara's win (however dull) at the venerable Tour of Flanders on Sunday: Sagan's pigfest podium ass-grab, and resulting shotgun-apologies (including a wholly lame tweet and sorta-improved regret video), have taken the cycling world and heck even the normal media by storm, as the international comment-n-twit-sphere seems actually somewhat divided between "eh, big deal" and "yes, big deal!" Still, even the offended podium attendee, Maja Leye,magnanimously took the high road in chastising Sagan, noting, in what is either a sincere mistranslation of the word for "apology" or an entirely delicious dope-smack, "excuses accepted." Am I on drugs, or do I just keep missing the footage where the female cyclists pinch a butt's-worth of the local dignitary giving them *their* trophies? Now keep groveling, Peter, and be glad if she lets you up off your knees with your nuts intact or we let you up to ride the Ardennes! Here, some video of the women's race, !@#dammit:

Hey, It's the Tour of the Basque Country!: meanwhile, in *race* news, Contador, Porte, Tejay, and we love Samuel Sanchez (bite me! dear Euskaltel's just warming up! stuff it!) faced off today at the beautiful Vuelta a Pais Vasco, with Euskaltel crushing me spiritually by failing to ride towards the front and getting caught behind a crash *again*, but fortunately, however, their redemption still to come in the upcoming mountain stages. I SAID, THEIR REDEMPTION STILL TO COME IN THE MOUNTAIN STAGES! DID YOU HEAR ME, EUSKALTEL? I SAID...

Tejay, Way Classier Act Than He Needs To Be: and, as Cadel Evans seemed to be already conceding defeat at the 2013 Tour by announcing he'll ride the Giro as well--what the hell is it with all the GC guys thinking this stupidity this year?--indispensable lieutenant Tejay Van Garderen almost immediately chimed in by gamely affirming he's only in it to support Cadel for the win. Jeez, Wiggo, you might want to find out what Cadel's doing so right with this kid--unless you *want* Chris "The Anti-Tejay" Froome to keep trying to bushwhack you again this year!

It's Flanders, Baby!--Has Ever a Race So Beautiful Become So Snoozy?

Can we get to the point? This circuit !@#$ and skipping the Muur just sucks. Why not just let the peloton have a nice relaxing brunch the first 5 hours then start from 20k out? Anyway, it is still Flanders, so let's recap:

1. !@#$!: Tom Boonen down, stitches impending, and his Classics totally !@$#ed at 30K. Despite the fact that I was rooting for Boonen anyway after his crap season-so-far, and 80% of Boonen is still 120% of anyone else, am I the only one thinking that the Classics just ain't the Classics if Tom and Fabian can't slug it out in full form? Here, Belgium breaks its heart:

2. Notable Mechanicals: Rear wheel puncture for Fabian at 53k out. Flecha mechancial at 34k. Really, is that gonna take either one of 'em out?

3. Yep, It's Flanders All Right: walkin' on the Koppenburg.

4. The End is Near: Fabian and Sagan are marking at 34k! Argy-bargy at the foot of the Kwaremont! Roelandts ditches Hinault at 18K! Chavanel falling back!

5. Okay, You Can Turn Off the TV Now: Cancellara jumps again as Sagan hits the hurt locker at 17k! All over at 13k as Sagan and Roelandts settle for a slugfest for second.

6. Vooooos!: yep, it's Marianne Vos for the women. Damn, does she even need a bike to ride on--that woman could just win races walking and pickin' daises!

Well, that's what you missed, unless seeing Fabian Cancellara--who is brilliant, yap yap yap--pull the same one-length-and-he's-gone trick can keep you entertained for every race on the planet. Me, not so much. Bring on Roubaix, and for God's sake, some other freakin' tactic!

Aw, *Suck*! And, Tommeke Tommeke Tommeke!

Not Fab-ulous: aw, crap, Cancellara looked great, and there he is two seconds later, on the floor in the feed-zone, his whole Classics in the toilette! Could anyone see what happened--an errant musette, a nimrod with a bottle to the wheel, Johan Bruyneel's cursed everyone from SaxoBank and should just burn right in hell from now on? Anyway, it was a lousy way for Cancellara to lose and a great honorable ride by Ballan Pippo (who I honestly thought might have it the last ten seconds) and of course Tom for the win. But wouldn't have it been interesting to see how the tactics would've played out with Cancellara still in the race? And incidentally, for that school-boy jailbait Sagan to have as many mechanical mishaps as he did and still go so bangin' means that he and Vanmarcke I'm convinced will be brass-knucklin' it out for a good decade to come. Anyhoo, get well soon Fabian, Thor please pick a team that won't absolutely crush you next year, well done Judith and Kristin, you rock Hincapie for completing no. 17 even if you still have to renounce that tool Armstrong, screw you NBCSports for cutting off the podium, congrats to Boonen on the recovery of your long-lost mojo--now time for that post-race massage! Oh, and here's the men's PODIUM !@#dammit:

It's Yer Tour of Flanders Preview, Baby!

On to the Ronde!: yes, as evil computer-hacking criminal mastermind Floyd Landis gets a November appeal date in French court on the grounds he can barely master a rotary phone, much less infiltrate a seriously-secured computer network, and the past and present Barbie-sparkle-princesses at Lampre get ready to defend against systemic doping accusations, it's time for the Ronde van Vlaanderen, baby, so let's take a look at this weekend's bloody battlefest!

1. The Course: ow ow ow ow ow !@#$in' flat ow ow ow ow ow !@#$in' derailleur ow ow ow ow ow ow OW MY !#@$IN' COLLARBONE ow ow ow oh !@#$ I'm glad it's over! Oh right, and they've bagged the Muur and seriously shaken up the route. And it doesn't help *anyone.* Oh, and watch out for nails, suckers!

2. The Players:
--Fabian Cancellara: look, he's gonna kick someone's !@#$; it's just a question of when. If he gets more than two bike lengths on anyone, including Boonen, it's over. Plus, someone's gotta save RadioSkank's season!
--Peter Sagan: right, he's just here training. But damn, this boy's on form! The stealth candidate no-one ever seems to notice 'til he's already smooching the podium babes. Top 3!
--Thor and Gilbert: hard to believe Hushovd could be any more screwed than he was with Vaughters at ungrateful Garmin, but frankly, he ain't lookin' like I hoped. And hopefully Gilbert'll heal up from his toothache by the Ardennes. Come on come on come *on* Thor--what the hell?! And while we're at it, go Hincapie!
--The Dark Horses: yes, Stijn Devolder, Pippo Pozzato, Freire, and a slew of even more recent bad boys are there. And Sylvain Chavanel is blazin' if Boonen sacks out. Me, I like newbie Sep Vanmarcke--not yet maybe, but soon!
--Tom Boonen: Marked like dog on fire hydrant, but clearly, our charmer is back. It's this, or Roubaix. Take yer pick Tom, but one of 'em is yours! Here, let's encourage dear Tommeke by reminding him just how refreshing a long hot shower can be after a cold, hard race:

3. The Prize: well, apparently they used to give out massage oil, but these days, you have to settle for eternal glory. And a trophy. And podium babes!

4. The Latest Headlines: oh, those halcyon days when Bjorn Leukemans was gettin' so much action he couldn't keep his testosterone levels low enough to pass a doping test; now, the poor boy's a monk. Indeed, straight from the official Ronde site and the man himself comes this quote:"Whether I'm dry? Maybe You Should Ask My Girlfriend". Uh, no thanks Bjorn--but good luck in the race and all!

Off to Flanders--sticking it out til the finish line, that's a whole 'nother question!